Master Apprentice Archive The Jedi Guardian: There is no privacy, only scandal.
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The Jedi Guardian: There is no privacy, only scandal.

by Various Authors (mostly Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com )

Rating: S for sillyness

Archive: Don't think we will complain

Feedback: Will make us happy, even probably if we

Summary: Tabloid insanity one night in #bic

Archivists Note: I have put hot links on the headlines which have had stories written to go with them, but everything is going to be in this one file unless it gets too big. Authors' names are listed after each story.

Come now to a channel, where sanity is just a memory and boys are chained to the very walls. Nine ladies, regulars to this channel, in the wake of too much sugar and caffeine, had an idea for a Star Wars tabloid. Contained within is a list, in no particular order of the titles they came up with.

Today's Headlines:

Compiled by: Bant, Epeeblade, Gaia, Ladyhawk, Mali Wane, Marguerite, Nimori, Sage, and Sheltiesong

It's confirmed: George Lucas is really an Ewok.

LOS ANGELES---Xenobiologists have finally confirmed what many Star Wars fans have already suspected: that film producer George Lucas is not human. Lucas was captured by the LA animal protection agency Tuesday on Rodeo Drive and taken to a nearby veternarian clinic for study. After six hours of tests, Lucas was tagged and released into Yellowstone National Park, where he will remain until NASA can negotiate with the planet Coruscant for his trip back to the moon of Endor, the home of his species. Eeth Koth, xenobiologist from Coruscant, and Mark Hamill, veternarian student from LA conducted the tests. Koth reported to the press conference that "Although he appears vaguely human, George Lucas is furry, tribal, and can make cute squeaking noises. He is obviously an Ewok."

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

Lord Vader found in compromising situation with Moff Tarkin.

DEATH STAR---Today the Empire was shocked to learn of the sordid affair between two of the most powerful men in the Galaxy, Lord Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin. The two politicians were discovered in a bathroom near the 'secret weapon' section of the sphere. According to Naith Darkon, the Lieutenant who found them, "Tarkin was on his knees, taking all Lord Vader had to give him." Tarkin, who up to this point, has only been found raping captured humans and subspecies, said of Lord Vader "I never knew how powerful his lightsaber could be." Vader could not be reached for comment, as he was planning ways of seducing his 18 year old son.

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

"My male Master dresses like a dancing girl," confesses tearful Padawan.

JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT---Last night, Mace Windu, Jedi Council member and Master to Padawan Shara Quuir was found passed out on the front steps of the Jedi Temple from alcohol intoxication. When he was found, he was dressed in a two piece outfit normally found on Twi'lek dancing girls. "Yes, my master dresses like a dancing girl," confessed Quuir, as tears streamed down her face. "But you shouldn't look down on him. He's actually very good at dancing. He performs in the Senator's Quarter." When asked why she was crying, the Twi'lek Padawan replied "He's gotten semen stains all over my favorite outfit!" To see Master Windu perform, contact The Temple Underground, Senator's Quarter, Coruscant. Tickets are 24 credits.

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

Han Solo's secret love: C-3PO.

CORUSCANT, NEW REPUBLIC SENATE SECTOR---The galaxy was shocked to learn today of the breakup of the New Republic's favorite couple, General Han Solo and Senator Leia Organa. When the Jedi Guardian questioned the Senator about the breakup, she would only say "Speak to my protocol droid about it." General Solo, however, was more forthcoming. He said that their relationship had been on the rocks for many months due to the strain of overseeing the creation of the New Republic (Organa) and helping the new defense fleet (Solo). When asked if he was seeing anyone new, the General replied "Yes. I guess I've been in love for many years with someone other than Leia and didn't realize it until we broke up. Now I'm free to pursue him. In fact, I just asked C-3PO out on a date yesterday and he accepted. He's a good droid, and he doesn't need conversation. He does all the talking himself." When C-3PO was asked to comment, he launched into a 3 hour lecture on the mating habits of humans.

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

C-3PO dating Lt. Cmdr. Data.

STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS, SAN FRANCISCO---The Starship Enterprise shocked the whole Milky Way Galaxy today when Captain Picard announced the engagement of his second officer, Commander Data to C-3PO of the Lucas Galaxy. Commander Data, android and son of Dr. Noonian Soong, has served Starfleet for 35 years. C-3PO, droid, was built by Anakin Skywalker, reputed to be one of the most evil beings in the Lucas Galaxy, next to Emperor Palpatine and Lucas himself. The two met in a time-space bubble between the two galaxies, which had captured the shuttlecraft Commander Data was piloting. It also captured the Millenium Falcon, whose captain, Han Solo was just shoving C-3PO out the airlock at the time. The Commander proceded to beam the droid aboard his craft, where they spent the 3 months it took to get out of the bubble. When asked about his relationship, Data said "C-3PO is a loyal and respectable droid. Unfortunately, he has been abused by Captain Solo, Mr. Lucas, and others. I hope to help him by showing him what love is. C-3PO in turn said of his mate "R2 will be so envious of me!" The couple plans to marry on July 13 Terran time and will reside on Mudd's Planet, with the androids discovered by Captain Kirk 100 years ago.

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

Qualla frost is voted best lube flavor.

JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT---Padawans at the Jedi Temple today gathered to choose the type of lubrication they would carry on missions with their Masters. In an earlier report by the Jedi Guardian (see Issue 00-0), the Jedi Council admitted that it requires that Padawans carry lubrication to seduce difficult public officials and to accomodate their Masters when they must pose as slaves. Because the younger Jedi often end up tasting the lubrication gel in their tasks, Master Yoda has decided to let them choose the flavor of the standard lube pack. After six hours of intense voting, the ballots were counted and the winner chosen. Qualla frost, a treat made famous by the bonded Jedi couple Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, was chosen as the favorite lubrication flavor. When asked about the choice, Kenobi said "Now, hopefully, every Padawan can have as much fun with their Masters as I've had with mine."

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com

Council requires Padawans to carry lube.

JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT--In a statement that is sure to shock the entire Galaxy, Master Mace Windu of the Jedi Council today admitted that Jedi Padawans are required to carry sexual lubrication gels as part of their standard mission packs. This was reported after Bruck Chun, a senior Padawan, had to be rushed to a Healer because he had an allergic reaction to the gel while helping negotiate a treaty with Boss Nass, ruler of the Gungans. Windu reported that "Padawan Chun is fine and will recover fully. The oil-based gel we issued him is very good for seducing Gungan officials. Unfortunately, Chun is allergic to it. Next time we will issue him a water-based gel." When asked what the gel is used for, other than helping in the seduction of public officials, Windu replied "It is also used in training the Padawans. The students must always keep their Masters happy." Windu's Padawan, the Twi'lek Shara Quuir, is reported to carry a caf-flavored lube gel and always dress in a dancing girl outfit.

by Ladyhawk: lhflu@yahoo.com