I Must Have Loved You

by Susan Anthony

Title: I Must Have Loved You
Author: Susan Anthony (LdyGossamer@aol.com)
Pairing: Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan
Archive: Master_Apprentice, my site at http://www.geocities.com/area51/keep/8613/artists.html
Category: Drama, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Rating: PG
Spoilers: TPM only
Summary: Obi-Wan never allowed himself to grieve for his master.
Feedback: Very welcome.
Notes: This plot bunny has been hovering over me for years. If you haven't heard the song, "Ghost Story", by Sting, I always thought it was perfect for Obi-Wan. The lyrics follow the story.

More Notes: This is my response to the MA thread "Is anybody still reading Q/O" My answer is yup and we're still writing it too.

Warnings: M/M relationship, Naboo happened.

Disclaimer: The Boyz aren't mine. More's the pity. This story is for the pleasure of the readers only. I don't make a thing.

The western sky was rich with clouds streaked with the colors of the setting sun. Obi-Wan sat, still and silent, as he watched the colors bleed onto the snow white hills beyond his shaded campsite. His expression was blank as he tried to meditate on the dying light beyond the horizon but his eyes were troubled with thoughts of the past.

Most recently, he was troubled by the reasons he was here now, alone on this sparsely populated planet that his master had so loved.

Master Yoda, in his all-seeing and all-knowing wisdom, had decided that after four years, it was now time for Obi-Wan to take a sabbatical from the Order. When he had been informed of this, the knight had just blinked before he glanced around at the other two Councilors who had gathered for his mission report.

"For what, Master?" he'd asked, his voice even.

Master Yoda had gazed at him for a long moment, fingering his gimer stick gently with his stubby little claws.

"Grieve, you must," he had finally stated.

An eyebrow had risen just a bit before Obi-Wan had smoothed out his expression again.

"Master, I know Anakin is in the infirmary after this mission but he is completely out of danger. There is no need...."

"Grieve for Qui-Gon, you must," Yoda had interrupted him, his old voice strong.

Obi-Wan had felt, for just a moment, as though a saber had been thrust into his chest. But it was for just a moment and then he had completely crushed the feeling, pushed it away and sealed it tight within his mind.

Yoda had watched the knight's expression go blank again and the old councilor had nodded before he gestured with his gimer stick at Obi-Wan. "Held onto your grief, you have," he'd stated his green eyes sad. "Face it, you must. Face your feelings, Obi-Wan, and accept. Only then will you be allowed to take up your place and padawan again."

Knight Kenobi had stiffened but then forced himself to relax before he continued. "Master Yoda, I promised my master that I would train Anakin," he's began, but Master Windu had interrupted almost gently.

"You shall train him, Obi-Wan," the dark-skinned Councilor had stated firmly, his tone reassuring. "Considering what you've had to work with, you've done well with the boy. But we think you need time alone. Time to face what you haven't allowed yourself to face since you lost your master." Mace's eyes were compassionate but his words were firm. "For the next month, you are free of Order missions. Pack a bag and leave the Temple. Find someplace to go and relax."

"Listen to your feelings, Obi-Wan," Master Billaba had added softly as she leaned forward and caught the stunned knight's eyes. "I think that you have not done so in too long a time."

Obi-Wan glanced from one Councilor to the other before he pressed his lips together and realized he wasn't going to get out of this...assignment. He certainly didn't need to face anything. He'd done his grieving and then braided Anakin. Their first mission had been two weeks after the Naboo fiasco and Obi-Wan hadn't had any issues since then.

But he'd go. He'd take the time and return as quickly as he could. Missions just weren't going to accomplish themselves.

"What of Anakin, Masters?" he'd finally asked, struggling to keep his tone even.

"Keep him at my side, I will," Yoda replied as he leaned back in his chair. "Teach him about the Temple, I will, since he's been so little in residence."

Knight Kenobi had just nodded and then bowed before he turned and left the Council Chamber. He didn't understand why the Council was insisting on this sabbatical but Obi-Wan was going to take the time. He'd explain to Anakin what was happening and then charter a transport. By the time he'd returned to his rooms, he knew exactly where he would go and packed accordingly. The last thing he'd packed was an old battered Jedi cloak. It was still sturdy and warm though much too big for Obi-Wan's smaller frame. But he wanted to take it with him since there was little chance he might lose it on this mission.

Now he sat beside a small campfire he had painstakingly built, huddled in the over-large dark brown cloak as he watched the stars appearing in the winter sky. It had been a five-day journey from Coruscant to this remote mid-rim planet and he'd spent most of that time mildly cursing the Jedi Council for thinking he needed this time off at all.

In those five days he and his padawan could have already been well into another mission, his mind occupied with plans and strategies. But now, all he could do was stare at the gray walls of the space ship the Temple had chartered for him and wonder what the hells Yoda was thinking.

The fire cracked and popped, drawing his gaze away from the sky and down into the fiery yellows and oranges. He remembered Qui-Gon showing him how to start a camp fire here in this very place and his lips curled into a small, unfamiliar smile. He'd been fourteen then and had never been to someplace so remote and unpopulated. His master though had liked to come to this retreat the few times they had actually had time off between missions.

They had been here both in summer and winter but Qui-Gon had always preferred the quiet of the winter season; the gleaming, snow-covered hills, the icy vastness of the winter sky. Qui-Gon had pulled his shivering young apprentice to his side and patiently taught him about using the Force to keep oneself warm and how to read the stars to tell where exactly they were in the galaxy.

Obi-Wan blinked the water from his eyes as the wind shifted a bit and smoke blew into his face. He looked away for a moment and shivered as he purposefully turned his thoughts away from that pleasant time.

He glanced in the direction of the caretaker's small cottage, wishing he could just go there now and arrange for a ride back to the spaceport. He'd only arrived this afternoon but already he was wishing to be elsewhere. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be thinking these thoughts or remembering.

Though he couldn't deny that the moment he'd stepped off the ship into the small spaceport, he'd felt...almost a welcome in the chill winter air.

Obi-Wan sighed and rubbed his forehead for a moment. He reached down to catch at his braid, thinking to curl it around his fingers. Only a second later, he remembered it was no longer there. It was gone as surely as Qui-Gon, burned on the same pyre as his master, curled around Qui-Gon's stiff fingers.

His eyes closed and he forced his hand into his lap. He took a deep breath, scenting the smoke on the wind from his fire and the sharp chill on a winter's night.

Idly, Obi-Wan considered the time just after his master...just after Naboo. He actually didn't remember much about those weeks, other than the frantic thoughts of how he was going to train his new padawan when he'd barely been a knight himself. He vaguely remembered time spent just after Qui-Gon's death, silently cursing his master for giving him a new padawan and leaving him.

He didn't leave, of course. He died. The Sith killed him. He died.

Obi-Wan's teeth clenched together as he suddenly remembered Yoda granting him Anakin as his apprentice. He'd gently touched Obi-Wan's wrist and then left him in the small, graceful tower in Theed palace. Obi-Wan had watched him go, completely still and silent until he'd leaned down, bowed his forehead to the stone floor and cried. Great, heaving sobs that Obi-Wan had quickly stifled. A Jedi was not allowed to show such emotion, not even when they were completely alone.

And he was.

Alone.

"No!"

The word was just below a shout as Obi-Wan's eyes started watering again. He glanced towards the campfire, thinking he might have to move should the smoke continue to blow into his face but the rising white tendrils of smoke were floating off to the west.

With a sharp gesture, he wiped the water away and pulled his master's cloak tighter around his body. Using the Force, he pulled more warmth into his shivering form and tried to push his mind in the direction of his padawan.

Anakin was upset that Obi-Wan was being sent off without his apprentice but the promise of down time in the Temple was a bit appealing to him though he said nothing outright. Obi-Wan had been a little surprised as he hadn't felt their schedule had been too arduous. But he had to admit the pair of them had been moving from mission to mission with little time between.

He and Qui-Gon had often gone for several months without rest as his master had been so in demand. And Qui-Gon would never refuse a mission where he'd been requested personally.

Obi-Wan remembered the last such mission, the last one they'd had before Naboo. It had actually been a quiet negotiation mission and Obi-Wan had enjoyed every minute of it. The people of that planet firmly believed that all business was conducted during the day at specific times. All other time was spent with family or friends, at parties or gatherings. He and his master had spent more time just resting and talking together during that mission than they had the two years previous. He remembered his master just watching him with a peculiar smile on his rugged face.

Outside of his Padawan Kenobi persona, Obi-Wan had always been somewhat shy, somewhat skittish about being around other people. That had never been a problem around his master though. Qui-Gon had always been comfort, warmth and security to his padawan. At that moment, though, seeing that smile on his master's face, Obi-Wan felt...shy, almost bashful.

"The Council will be setting your Trials soon, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon had said quietly as he sat down beside his apprentice on the huge couch where Obi-Wan had settled himself to read. "Soon you'll be ready for missions on your own."

Obi-Wan had blinked and then closed his book as he gazed up at his companion.

"But Master, surely it will be a few years or more before the Council allows that. I have so much more to learn."

Qui-Gon had reached out and tangled his fingers in Obi-Wan's long braid for a moment. Then he leaned back and smiled that off smile again. "Some things are learned after knighthood is given, my padawan," he said. "Some things *have* to wait until then."

Obi-Wan glanced down at the book he held tightly in his lap. He studied the cover intently, fighting off that strange bout of shyness that was rushing over him.

"We've spoken of the trails before, Master," he finally said, forcing himself to look up and meet Qui-Gon's blue eyes. That gazed seemed almost amused but Obi-Wan plowed on, hoping his master wasn't amused at what he was about to suggest. "But can't a padawan choose to...stay with his master if they work well together?"

Qui-Gon studied his padawan silently for a few moments in which Obi-Wan had just about convinced himself that his master wasn't going to answer in order not to hurt said padawan's feelings.

"A master and padawan team can continue to take missions together once the padawan is knighted," he finally said with a nod, "As long as the master doesn't take another padawan."

Obi-Wan had just started to grin when Qui-Gon had added the last stipulation. He looked a bit alarmed.

"Are you? Going to take another padawan?" he asked his tone plainly worried. Qui-Gon reached out and ran his fingers down Obi-Wan's braid again before touching his cheek.

"After you, I think I'm all padawaned out," he stated with something approaching a smirk - that is if Jedi masters smirked.

Obi-Wan just stared for a moment, trying to decide if he should be offended or not.

"Besides, Obi-Wan, I think you'll find that once you're knighted, there will be whole worlds of information that I would be pleased - and honored - to share with you," Qui-Gon continued, his smirk smoothing out into that odd yet hopeful smile and an intense look in his blue eyes that had haunted Obi-Wan...for a long time after.

"I look forward to that, Qui-Gon," he'd replied almost formally with an odd smile of his own.

A faint pop in the dying fire brought Obi-Wan's focus back to his dying fire. His eyes were watering again - from the smoke, of course - but this time he didn't bother to wipe the dampness from his cheeks. Chill, white puffs of air were coming from his panting breaths as he strove to calm the emotions he didn't want to acknowledge. And yet knew he couldn't avoid it any longer.

He glanced up into the sky, his heart heavy with regret that seemed to emerge from the very bottom of his mind and close in around him. There was a thin fingernail of a moon descending towards the far horizon followed by the faint lightening of the sky. He'd been lost in thoughts and memories all night and still he felt no different from when he arrived.

He didn't feel any regret, any pain, any grief for the loss his master. He didn't. It was the way of the Force. People lived and then they died. As a matter of fact, there is no death, right? How many times had he read that? How many times had he heard it?

So he didn't really need to grieve as his master wasn't really dead. Correct?

He was just gone, just burned to ashes on that damned Naboo.

Just gone.

Obi-Wan leaned back and let out a long, wailing scream that echoed eerily across the lightening winter landscape. He felt all the pain, grief and sorrow, all the lost hope, love and affection he'd buried so deep within him burst forth and fill his scream with his indescribable loss.

Then there was only the slumped form of a lost padawan wearing his master's borrowed cloak, trying to be the knight he knew he had to be. The broken words that followed that out-pouring of pain were almost lost in the still silence of pre-dawn.

"I loved you, Qui-Gon. Why did you leave me?"

And then there was the long-lost comfort of his master's arms folding around him, pulling him back into the warmth and security of a very familiar cloak.

"I never left you, Obi-Wan," the words were whispered into the air around him even as those familiar arms tightened. "You just didn't want to see."

Obi-Wan blinked several times but his watering eyes just kept offering him the vision of his master's faintly glowing face and his body just kept feeling his master's form curled tightly around him.

"Master?" he asked faintly as he saw that same affectionate smile his master had shown him so many times before. "I don't understand," he stuttered.

"You held onto your pain and sorrow," Qui-Gon said quietly. His form seemed almost transparent in the growing light of morning but his arms were just as strong as Obi-Wan remembered. "You wouldn't acknowledge your feelings but buried them instead. With that weight holding you down, you couldn't - you wouldn't see me."

Obi-Wan glanced away from the intent eyes of his master. He felt his breath starting to come in pants again as he leaned back and closed his eyes.

"It just hurt so much, Qui-Gon," he whispered as his fingers tightened around his master's arms. "I couldn't breathe. I couldn't function. I couldn't do what you asked me to do. I had to lock it away until I could face it again." Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "Honestly, I didn't think that day would ever come."

"But that day is here now, my Obi-Wan, and I will help you through it," his master's voice whispered to him. "You are ready."

Obi-Wan turned to look at the beloved face he'd thought lost to him. Qui-Gon smiled down at him, reassurance and love filling the Force around them so much so that Obi-Wan wondered how he'd do without this once he had to leave.

"I will be with you always, my Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon answered that absent thought with a ghostly caress of his fingers. "You may not always see me but I will be there."

"I missed you so much, Qui-Gon," the young knight said in a low rough tone. "I must have loved you for years and didn't know how much until you were gone."

"I am here, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said again as another phantom caress smoothed across Obi-Wan's cheek. "And I love you too."

Ghost Story
written sung by Sting from the CD "Brand New Day"

I watch the western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying south
It sets me thinking.
I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher

I feel the winter come
His icy sinews
Now in the firelight
The case continues
Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked

The shadows close me round
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers
Why was I missing then
That whole December?
I give my usual line,
I don't remember

Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep
And all these differences
A cloak I borrowed
We kept our distances
Why should it follow that
I must have loved you?

What is the force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide?
Never could find a place to hide
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail

The moon's a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I'm thinking
That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention

You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
Of buried treasure
If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
Its time that I confessed

I must have loved you
I must have loved you