Master Apprentice
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Imitations of a Jedi Master
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Summary: A lover once told Padawan Kenobi that sex could be as perfect and natural as two great warriors duelling. Instead, he has always found it a disappointment. When interest kindles with the legendary Master Jinn, he fears the greatest disappointment yet.
Categories: Q/O, and O/others. Angst, Romance, Chan, Alternate Reality
Rated NC-17 for adult themes and teenage sex. Warnings: Non-explicit sex with 14yos, explicit sex with 16yos.
I welcome all kinds of feedback: brief, rambling, kind, critical. I invite it inside, get it drunk and give it a good grope.
The Jedi galaxy and everything in it and all the profit it generates are the property of George Lucas, and my contribution is a pus- filled boil on its arse.
This story was originally published in the zine "Songs of Innocence, Songs of Experience," in February 2005. It sparked from a thread on the m_a list on alternatives to the standard 'two bedroom apartment with kitchenette and balcony' cliche. The beginning quite simply fell out of my head, and then it stagnated until I took a long, close look at Gail Riordan's poem 'Meditations on a Cloak', originally published in the zine Rituals and Meditations, and now available on the Master and Apprentice archive.
Thank you as always, to Gloriana. I would never consider any story I cared about to be ready for publication without her input. And thank you to Laura McEwan, lightning copyeditor and general sweetheart.
Imitations of a Jedi Master by Dr Squidlove
My earliest memories are of pulling a blanket over my head, in the fashion of a hooded robe, and gliding about the creche in my best imitation of a Jedi Master. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Knight of the Jedi Order. In that, I did not differ from any other child in the Temple. To the initiate children, the Masters are godlike, perfect. Omniscient, omnipotent. Our own magical transformation seemed a lifetime away.
I have known him by name, at least, since those early days, and I have vague memories of people pointing out Master Jinn across the teaching rooms. I would never have dared to speak with him until Master Tandau took me as padawan: they were casual acquaintances from their sleep hall.
Tiny Master Tandau took me on shortly after my fourteenth birthday. He was no taller than me even then, except for his delicate, towering eyestalks. He helped me to sort through my childish belongings and led me from the senior initiates' creche to the Knights' sleep hall in the south-west wing.
Initiates never have reason to visit the Knights' sleep halls, and I think that in all the excitement of finding a Master, this room overwhelmed me the most. Four rows of twelve two-bunk beds, room to sleep almost a hundred Jedi Knights, from the newest padawan to the most senior Master. I would no longer be sleeping, dining and learning with my agemates. Peer relationships were important for children, but a padawan had a wealth of Masters and seasoned Knights to guide him.
Master led me to a bunk in the middle, by the wall, showed me the locker that would be mine and explained that I would have the bottom bed until we went on a mission. At that time our lockers would be stored, and we would find a new place each time we returned. No point keeping cold beds for Jedi who went away for months at a time.
The bed above me was occupied by a green-feathered senior padawan, who leaned over the edge to smile down a welcome and whisper a promise to show me all the best ways for a padawan to get in trouble. I liked her at once. To my right was an older Knight, a small, dark-haired man who nodded his greeting and went back to studying from a compad. And so began my first night as a Jedi padawan.
The Jedi are not prudish. We are taught about sex and sexual customs from our early years in the creche until our blushes are worn out of us, but theoretical lessons are never quite the same as experience. One can write papers on biology, on cultural expectations and social mores, but there are always details missed, habits taken for granted, gaps that a student never imagines to fill.
Jedi accept and embrace the desires of the body; enjoy casual sex and sometimes longer relationships; offer mutual pleasure with respect and gentleness. From the day an initiate ascends to padawan, that Jedi is considered of an age to seek the companionship, comfort and guidance of older Jedi who might teach them in more practical detail.
In time, they may themselves accept the advances of juniors, accept their bodies, provide comfort and wisdom in turn. Simple, alluring words to a young boy, enough to make me wonder how, and why, and who, but never vital details like where.
Not until my first night, when the lights dimmed and I heard the creak of beds, soft feet moving past me, all around the room. I had never thought to wonder what I might hear, alone in my bed, listening to the whisper of cloth only metres away, quiet fleshy sounds that I couldn't yet match to things I'd learned in class. The green-feathered padawan had slipped down the ladder with barely a creak to go somewhere else; there was a second person with the man to my right, and in the darkness I could just make out the rocking of a body, hear fast breaths. The room was filled with sex, the sounds of sex, soon the smells of it, so much richer than the rare smell of release in the creche, and I had myself in hand, rubbing the atmosphere into my skin until I was part of it.
It was so every night, the fading of the lights precipitating a flow of bodies. By morning everyone back in their beds, not so much a secret as a matter for discretion.
The green-feathered padawan, Taraku, went visiting most evenings, sharing her attentions between three or four different young Knights. She would secretly point them out to me as we waited for lightsdown, with a tiny, pleased smile.
The dark-haired Knight was joined in the evenings by a woman whose identity I couldn't guess from her quiet cries. She returned each night for three nights until he left for a mission. His bed was empty for only two days before it was taken by an older Knight, almost my Master's age, called Hahtgi.
Knight Hahtgi was my first. He had a joke for everything, could turn an awkward event into an amusing one with the perfect word of humour, never cruel. The day I tripped in the mealroom, spilling my tray, he insisted there had been an earthquake, and I knew he was just the one I wanted. I spent the night wrestling my courage, until first light dawned and I caught him before he could leave, asked if I might visit that evening. He grinned, startling white teeth in his black skin, placed two fingers on my chin and said he would be honoured by my company.
He was just as I expected, gentle and kind, kissing my embarrassment away when I cried aloud, introducing me to the pleasures of hands, on later nights guiding me gently in taking him in my mouth, and slowly, slowly preparing me for the evening when he would penetrate me.
That was less than I expected, and I'm ashamed that he felt my disappointment. He whispered softly in my ear that I shouldn't worry, that it was something that developed with practice. First sex is awkward and clumsy, like the first days of learning to spar, but I would learn, and one day it would be as perfect and natural as two great warriors duelling.
I saw Master Jinn that day, wielding his saber against Knight Mundi as a crowd watched in delight, and I tried to imagine sex like that, like wind and fire and Force, but I remembered the mechanics, the weight on my body, the uncomfortable twist of my thighs, and I felt hollow.
I remained friends with Knight Hahtgi, but I didn't visit his bed again. I tried others, Knights and Masters who were patient and kind, and I enjoyed myself, made valued friendships but never managed to shake that quiet disappointment of penetration, the certainty that this could never make me feel the sheer joy of settling in the Force in battle or meditation. With every taking, my discomfort grew.
I went on missions, spent my Temple days studying, grew to know my Master as though we'd always been together, his habits and thoughts ingrained in me. I mimicked his quiet certainty, and was relieved to find that strangers afforded us equal respect.
I came to know Master Jinn as well, from crossing paths in the washroom in the mornings, and sometimes standing behind my Master as they spoke in the hallways. Master Jinn would always acknowledge me with a smile and a small bow. Whenever he was in Temple, I kept a close eye on the training rooms and took any opportunity to watch him with his saber. He practiced often, sometimes against droids but usually against other Jedi Masters, and he was rarely matched.
Master Tandau found me in the central training room one day, watching Master Jinn duel with Master Gallia.
Master Gallia dodged a strike and leapt over his head, but Master Jinn was already there, swinging high. "Do you think I might be that good one day, Master?"
He leaned beside me on the railing, watching them with equal wonder. "I think you could be, with one of them to teach you."
One of them? Teaching was the first and most pleasurable duty of a Jedi, we were always told, but to ask Master Jinn... "He must have so many padawans clamouring for his time."
One eyestalk tipped forward to steal my attention from the battle. "Have you ever seen one?"
I had not. I had never seen even a junior Knight spar with Master Jinn.
"If you wish to learn, he will not come to you." The duty of a student is to seek, not to wait.
Master Tandau left me then. I watched for an hour, until Master Gallia was called away and Master Jinn caught up a towel to pat the sweat from his face and hair. It was the best opportunity I would have, so I let go of the railing and made my way down to the floor.
He greeted me with a smile and a wave of the towel before I even reached him. "Padawan Kenobi."
I bowed. "Greetings, Master Jinn."
"How may I be of service?"
"I have admired your saber skills since I first saw you in flight, Master Jinn. If you have time in your schedule at some point, may I impose upon you for guidance in my battle training?"
His eyes lit, crinkling around the edges. "I have time right now, if you are not required elsewhere?"
Our training became a regular arrangement whenever we were both in Temple. I loved his exacting standards, the drive he put in me to perfect my skills. If I worked hard - as I always did on his precious time - we would spend our final minutes in open battle. This was perfection, feeling his power unleashed, giving my all, and he could disarm me effortlessly but I would expect no more of myself against a Jedi Master. It was satisfying enough that each time we fought, with all my practice time in the intervening months, I managed to hold my own a few seconds more.
I wondered if sex might ever be like this, as sweet and intimate as crossing sabers with Master Jinn, sweaty and heavy-breathed and eyes meeting with fire, but I couldn't imagine.
I didn't think to consider the man until the day I almost bested him.
It was luck, of course; I was sixteen and no match for him, but Master Jinn had returned from a mission only the day before. It had been a draining mission from the looks of him, eyes deep and face a little too thin. I would never have been so bold as to request a session so soon, but he saw me in the corridor, offered a tired smile and insisted that he observe how I'd progressed in the months since we last sparred.
He over-stepped and I took the upper hand, held him on the defensive for half a minute before he wrested back control, another minute or two before I was on my back, weaponless, conceding. He offered a hand to pull me up, the burn of battle still in his eyes, and I didn't realise what it was until I was on my feet, and his hand still held mine. He wanted me.
"May I come to you tonight?" The words were past my lips before I thought them, and he started, surprised. His eyes lowered to our joined hands and for a moment I thought he would refuse, but he nodded.
"I would like that, Padawan Kenobi." His hand squeezed mine before letting go.
I had never been desired that way, before. I had felt passionate night-time caresses, of course, had seen anticipation in the eyes of my lovers as we prepared for bed. But this was new. This was strange and exciting.
As night approached, I began to regret the request. Master Jinn was special. I desired him, grew hard as I thought of pressing against his body, of kissing him, of pulling his hand down to stroke my shaft, but then I would think of the rest and turn cold. I didn't want to feel with him as I'd felt with the others. A Jedi Knight is ever kind, and patient, and understanding with an inexperienced padawan, but as much as I hate the discomfort of being taken, I hate that heavy pause of disappointment when you guide a partner to something less than they expected. I now spent most of my nights in my own bed.
I didn't want to feel that disappointment from Master Jinn. I had almost convinced myself to create an excuse as I waited in my bed for lights out, but he came past, and he looked up to give me a soft smile, promising and... I couldn't be sure but perhaps... perhaps a little nervous. I stared at the back of his head as he walked sedately down to his bunk at the other end of the room.
No one had ever been nervous of me. Knights were full of confidence, sure of themselves, ready to share their skills and experience. They calmed the nerves of younger partners. This was one of the greatest Masters in the Order.
When the lights went out, I wriggled from my shorts and ignored the ladder, my feet the first to hit the smooth wood floor. I barely noticed the other Jedi moving about me, all of them as naked as I was.
I laid a hand on the edge of the bunk above his when I reached him, sensing that it was empty, its occupant already ensconced in another bed. I ducked beneath to find Master Jinn lying on his back in the centre of the bed; I cautiously felt for space, and he lifted the sheets to pull me in, so I lay balanced atop him, his calves between my feet. He was huge. Larger than he ever seemed upright, dressed. His skin was hot, his penis thick beneath my thigh but not yet erect, his hands heavy as they stroked my back, and then touched my hair to guide my head into the hollow of his neck. He smelled good. No other Master or Knight had held me like this, as though the press of skin was enough. My limbs relaxed, but anticipation fluttered in my stomach. I hadn't imagined that Master Jinn would be different.
He was a senior Master, with wisdom and experience far beyond any of my previous lovers. Of course he would be different.
I could hear the soft sounds from neighbouring bunks, but we stayed, my body rising and falling with the swell of his lungs, his hands sliding over my back, my hands cupping his enormous shoulders. He was more comfortable than my own bed - the thought made me smile against his skin. Who would have imagined the intimidating Master Jinn would feel so beautiful?
Creaking from a nearby bed, the slap of flesh; I grew hard.
I could remain still no longer. I lifted my head and searched in the dark until our noses bumped, and I knew where to find his lips. His moustache tickled me, but his lips were soft and dry, and deeper in he was wet and softer still, and he tasted clean and sweet. Our hips rocked; I shifted until our erections were pressed together and I was stretching my neck just slightly to keep his mouth. I burned; it wasn't enough but it was exactly right, this constant simmer, his hands on my hips to keep me close to him, to keep the rhythm steady.
It went on forever. Most of the other beds were quiet, all steady breaths or regular snores, and still we rocked, sometimes kissing, sometimes simply with my cheek pressed to his whiskery jaw, electricity building slowly but never the pace until Jinn took in a breath and he didn't let it out, his hips pushed up to mine and stayed, and my belly was wet. He'd come, and it filled me with a rush of heat that took me by surprise. I buried my face in his neck as waves of sweet pleasure chased through my body, my own fluids mixing with his between us.
I was gasping still as he took my head in his hands to bring me back for more kisses.
The next day passed in a blur. I only remember checking the chrono over and over.
Lights barely dimmed and I was halfway across the room, shorts dropped on the floor and he welcomed me in, deep hot kisses as though we were old long-parted lovers. Exploring hands; when we could bear to part our lips he rolled me onto my back and proceeded to trace me, tucking his huge body into a corner of the bed to feel the length of my calves, the girth of my thighs, stroking my shaft just a moment before moving on to the planes of my belly and chest, pulling my fingers to his mouth. Sucking my fingers, oh, to feel that on my-
I caught my breath, shocked, silencing my thoughts as though he might overhear. A Jedi Master like Qui-Gon Jinn does not fellate a junior padawan, or anyone. I barely caught my moan as I imagined pushing this man's face down to my groin, his mouth as hot and wet and tight as it was on my thumb, and I had to pull my hand away.
He didn't move, for a moment, and I realised I'd confused him with my withdrawal. I caught his hands and pulled them back to my chest, silently asking him to touch me more. Gentle touches, fingers dancing on my neck, along my collarbones, dipping to pull at my nipples, and then he was lying beside me, dragging my hands to him, to touch him. Long, strong limbs, fine hair on his firmly muscled arms and coarse hair down the length of his bony shins, long fingers and toes, and then he rolled over and I explored the rest, the sweet backs of his thighs, the narrow curve of his hips, the regular bump of his spine. I sat astride his buttocks to reach his shoulders, felt him relax as I stroked them, so I settled in to massage away the knots, drinking in his murmurs of pleasure. He made sounds like sex, until he rolled onto his back to kiss me, thick and slick and full of desire and his erection pressed at my groin.
Would he try tonight? I clenched at the thought. Not yet.
To be certain, I slid down his body and pushed his heavy leg until he lifted it so I could rest my head on his muscular thigh. He smelled down there the way he smelled at the end of a hard training session, of sweat and musk, and it aroused me completely.
I took him eagerly in my mouth. He was big, filling; I liked his taste and soon his reassuring pats on my head became needy tugs. I lifted a hand to stroke his belly and I could feel the muscles there quivering, and I felt them draw tight and hard moments before his shaft began to pulse. I stayed, letting his erection soften on my tongue as his legs softened beneath me.
I lingered there, cleaning him with tiny cat licks until he tugged at my shoulders to bring me up where he could kiss me, mouth gentle though his hands kneaded my back and thighs.
I was as satisfied as I'd ever been. I would have been quite content to fall asleep on his chest, but his tongue was trailing softly through my mouth, and the pressure of his hands was pushing my erection into the hollow of his hip. Soon enough I was grinding against his powerful body, his hip bone digging into my groin, his reawakened shaft digging into my leg. I squeezed his corded thigh between mine, loving the rub of skin growing damp with sweat, loving the desperate clutch of his enormous hands on my buttocks, but it was the sudden wet flow of come between us and his deep-throated gasp that pulled me over.
I looked up from the library terminal, smiling as I saw Master Jinn. He was striding towards me like a silent figure of myth, tall and solid and beautiful. The exhaustion that had allowed me to challenge him only two days earlier was gone. Dropping a chair beside my own and sinking into it, he asked, "Studying?"
"Yes, Master Jinn. Master Tandau has me researching ethical discussions on interference, before we begin a run of peacekeeping missions."
One of his hands rested on the back of my chair. "You will have to tell me what you think of the long-running argument between Sool and Chekych."
He looked all the part of a great Jedi Master, and yet under those clothes, I knew how he felt. I had seen him with my hands. I'd never thought of that, with any of my previous partners. I'd never been so excited by anyone else. And amazingly, he seemed pleased to be sitting with me, a spark in his eyes that matched my racing heart.
"I look forward to comparing our thoughts." For long moments, we only smiled at each other.
"Tell me, Padawan Kenobi, have you ever toured the Hall of Ghosts?"
"No, Master, I have not. I'm not really one for Jedi history."
"I shall change that. Would you consider spending a few hours in my company?"
I immediately cut my work to a datapad and stood. "I would like that a great deal, Master Jinn."
The Hall of Ghosts was not what I expected. Jedi live on written information, and we breathe the spoken word. Information is reduced and packed: priority and precision allow us to do the work we do. I learn all I can in the huge, silent cavern of our library. I expected as much from this, but Master Jinn led me down dim, abandoned corridors to a heavy wooden door somewhere deep in the Temple, as deep as I'd ever been. He swung the door open and guided me though, his hand warm on my lower back. For a long moment we stood in utter darkness, and then it was suddenly lit by a glowing orb in his other hand. "Welcome to the Hall of Ghosts."
They were catacombs. Long, uneven tunnels, so low Master Jinn rarely straightened. His face was close to mine as he lifted the globe to illuminate pictures that covered the walls. They were endless. Thousands of pieces of Jedi history, painted right onto the walls by thousands of anonymous artists, events of Master Yoda's lifetime intermingled with murals that dated back to the days before the Jedi had a name, when they fought with metal blades.
Master Jinn seemed to know them all, though he chuckled when I remarked on it. "Not even close, Padawan Kenobi. No one knows them all. See, this one." He guided me over to a small illustration, a little larger than his hand, so low he had to crouch to light it. "The style appears to be of the Yenga period. Analysis of the paints used supports that, but these people in the background: I don't recognise them, or the planet."
"You can't know every planet."
"Look: it's a tri-star system. The Jedi know of only eight, and this is none of them."
I was less interested in the planet than in the two Jedi in the foreground. A Zabrakian padawan no older than I stood facing us, his head turned toward the Knight behind him. The Knight held a lit white saber in his left hand, and his right rested protectively on the padawan's hip. "Do you know who they are?"
He touched them, reverently.
"I wish I knew. They have an incredible union."
"A union?"
He smiled, eyes never shifting from the picture as he reached to take my hand and press it to the image. "Can't you feel it?"
It felt... like the bittersweet quiet at the end of a perfect day.
"Sometimes, Jedi lover-pairs stay together for life. For just a few of those, their union is something more: some say they are Force- ordained."
His hand settled on my shoulder, heavy and warm as we examined the picture, and then it was pushing, turning me almost to face him. "Will you come to me tonight?"
"Yes."
He wasn't supposed to ask me, but he had, and I was glad.
As we made our way back through the maze, I thought of the Zabrakian in the picture. Could there be permanence in us? Jinn- Kenobi, united pair? To be Master Jinn's junior mate for life: it was fantastic, and disturbing.
Every kindness fed my fear of the event to come. If I had ever wondered before this, I would have been sure that being taken under the wing of one such as Master Jinn would fill me with strength and certainty, but I cowered at the prospect of disappointment, and I could not imagine which would be worse: his, or mine.
Yet, even as penetration loomed, I craved his company. I wanted more afternoons such as this; I awaited eagerly our next sparring match.
It was surprising that it caught my eye, through my flight of fancy. "That is you."
"Yes."
I stood on my toes to see it better, grateful when he brought the light close. A finely brushed mural in muted colours, longer than my arm but only a handspan high.
Master Jinn was young - Knight Jinn, so difficult to imagine - standing on a tree stump before a mass of worn-looking people with chains clutched in his hand. There was tremendous detail in the image, from the thousands of weary, raggedly-dressed figures clutching meagre possessions, to the burning ruins of a city in the distance. Even as a slim and spiky-haired youth, cloakless and dishevelled, Knight Jinn's authority was unmistakeable.
I turned to see him with that strange, almost nervous look I had seen on our first night. "Master, you have a place in the Hall of Ghosts."
"I have been privileged to see some great events, Padawan Kenobi, but I am only a man."
I could not help a soft laugh. "You are a Jedi Master. One of the greatest living - a legend already."
He looked to the mural, a strange light in his eyes. "That comforts you."
"Of course it does. Every mission I am a little terrified at how much there is still to learn. And yet, you were young once, and uncertain. You are the assurance I need, that with time will come the confidence to be a Knight."
He squeezed my shoulder, and slipped his hand across my back to lead me up into the main Temple.
He escorted me back up to the library where my Master was waiting. Master Jinn granted Master Tandau a half-bow and a warm smile in greeting as he bid me goodbye. I stared at his billowing robes as he walked away, suddenly taken aback once more by his size and presence.
"You set your sights high, Padawan."
My blush was inevitable, but I turned valiantly to face my Master. "He is very... He took me to see the Hall of Ghosts."
Surprise, curiosity, worry, one after the other. "Master Jinn took you?" His eyestalks swivelled a glance in the direction Master Jinn had gone. "Is there something you have yet to tell me?"
My nightly activities were something we rarely discussed, but perhaps this was something different. "I have lain with him."
Round eyes on me, then I was led to a corner. "You are lying with Master Jinn, these days?"
"Only two nights, Master."
A long look, a little wonder as he read me deeply. "Is this a serious relationship?"
I thought of the Zabrakian, of Master Jinn's hand on my back. "I think I would like it to be."
He nodded, and he reached to smooth the collar of my tunic, needlessly. It was an odd gesture. "It would be an honour indeed, to be the junior mate of one of the greatest living Jedi."
"Yes, Master."
"It would not be a commitment to take lightly."
My cheeks burned. "I would not take it lightly, Master."
"Of course." His antennae bobbed. "You are deeply independent, Padawan. Already, you chafe at my direction. I never imagined that you might consider a permanent junior role."
I bowed, regretting my defensiveness. "Such thoughts are far off, Master, but I promise if our relationship continues, I will approach it with a serious mind."
"He is an extraordinary Jedi, Padawan. It is my hope that you might one day transcend the ordinary."
"Me?"
"Perhaps he is the one to show you that path."
Master Tandau's concerns were valid. I had not looked so far into the future. It was difficult to look so far as the night he would ask to breach me.
I meditated in the aquarium room that evening with the lights turned low, my thoughts lulled by the silent flow of phosphorescent sea life.
Master Jinn was a Jedi Master. Not only a Master - he was one of the greatest names in the Temple, and I had lost sight of that, through my fears and insecurity. The future of our relationship - if he wanted one - was something to be contemplated at length. For now, it was an honour to be welcomed to his bed, and it would be an honour if he asked to penetrate me.
I had been thinking of the act as though it was inevitable that it would be a disappointment.
Two nights of Master Jinn's caresses, his patience, his forgiveness. He had given me nothing but pleasure; he had warmed me in a way no lover had before. Surely, I insisted, I would like it if he did it to me. Surely, the best course was to do it soon, so I could put the fears from my mind.
Penetration had never been a trauma. Every one of my lovers had been considerate and gentle. Experiences that were awkward and uncomfortable were not reason enough for drama. If the act was as uninvolving as previous encounters, then it was perfectly endurable. And surely it was an acceptable hope that with Master Jinn, it would be different.
A Master does not live at the beck and call of a padawan. Night- time couplings do not create an equal partnership. As a padawan, I had chosen to court the attentions of one of the senior Jedi of the Order, a man who dined with Councillors and performed the most sensitive of missions. And yet, it was an injury to hear from Master Tandau that Master Jinn had been seen striding to the Transport Centre, mission-bound. I swallowed my regret as best I could, as unwarranted as the effort might be before my Master. It was a tribute to his gentleness that he refrained from reminding me of Master Jinn's status and schedule.
How quickly I had grown used to him. I washed and dressed for a night alone, glancing down the main room to see his bed not yet filled, though his locker had already been spirited away for storage. There was no telling how long Master Jinn would be away, or if we would still be in Temple when he returned. I might see him again in days or months.
I climbed up into my bunk, and all my childish complaints were swept away. He had left an audio chip. I lay back with the chip gripped tight in my hand, waited impatiently for the lights to dim. I wanted my Master Jinn in darkness. The last few lockers gently closed, the last few Jedi climbing abed, and then the room went black and I stared at the ceiling, listening to the brush of bare feet across wood, the creak of beds, soft breaths of greeting. I burrowed beneath my blankets and held the chip to my ear, turned low.
"Padawan Kenobi, it is my regret that I have been granted such brief notice of a new mission." The regret was clear in his warm and gentle voice.
"I thank you for your company these last few nights and days. I hope you have no doubt that I would gladly resume our friendship when we meet again, if that is your wish."
I stroked myself, gently, as I thought of him, never reaching completion before I fell asleep.
It was my good fortune that our next mission was brief. Master Tandau and I had been in Temple for three days when Master Jinn returned from his, two months after our last parting.
I was crossing the western grand hall with newly-apprenticed Padawan Tel when I saw him, deep in conversation with Senior Councillor Windu. They were concealed to their necks in their robes, arms folded in their sleeves. Master Windu's _expression was grave, Master Jinn as forbidding as I'd ever seen him. Foremost in my memory had been the gentle hands that touched me at night, the storyteller from the Hall of Ghosts; now I was startled by this intimidating reminder of the way this man was seen by other padawans - and by many senior to me.
Padawan Tel looked to me, likely wondering if I would approach him. For all our traditions of discretion, my relationship with Master Jinn had somehow been news enough that it stirred even the initiate ranks. Padawan Tel had been unashamedly awed at my boldness in inviting myself to Master Jinn's bed, and suddenly I was, as well. It would be wiser, perhaps, to seek his attention at a later time.
I had barely reached the conclusion when Master Jinn looked up to see me, and I felt my world shift a little further as his features gentled. It was the incentive I needed; I approached and bowed deeply. "Master Windu. Master Jinn."
"Padawan Kenobi." Master Windu knew my name?
Master Jinn smiled at me, and turned to Master Windu. "I thank you. If we might continue this discussion at dinner, I have matters to discuss with Padawan Kenobi."
I nodded my farewell to Padawan Tel and his curious gaze, falling in step behind Master Jinn. Others dipped their heads in respect as we passed, but Master Jinn glided like a cruiser between them, his cloak drifting behind. He didn't look back until he had found us a room, closing the door behind us with a quiet click.
It was a tiny cell fashioned into a study with a wooden table, no windows, no entrance save the bland wood door. The light was bright, and I had at last the opportunity to see him properly. The lines on his face seemed far deeper than they were when we toured the Hall of Ghosts.
I stepped close without thought, was reaching to trace the crease of his cheek when his hand caught mine, fingers lacing and pulling my hand to the back of his neck as he leaned forward, eyes fluttering closed.
I did not let myself blink. I had never kissed someone in the light before. Master Jinn looked so much younger with his eyes closed and his lips were gentle, gentle on mine. He drew me forward until he could lean against the table, now a little closer to my height. I stood between his legs, let my hands travel over his shoulders and down his arms, feeling the solid muscles, the steady body. Not so forbidding, a Jedi Master but a gentle man, and that allowed me the courage to push at his cloak. He helped, awkwardly, so I threw off my own cloak and then was pulled against him, the whole solid length of him. A soft sound, and he shifted me slightly. "I am glad to see you, Padawan."
I smiled as I kissed him, as I touched his beard, throat, chest, finding the confidence to reach lower, for his belt and sash. I wanted to slide away the clothes and properly see him for the first time, but he was awkward with this too, and I realised why as I parted his tunics.
A fat bruise, as large as my spread hand, black and swollen under the ribs of his saber arm.
Another to match, a little higher, on the other side.
Sharp-edged grazes criss-crossing his chest to his navel.
Two cuts in his shoulder, so deep they had been sewn closed with a dark thread.
Bruises, grazes, cuts. Master Jinn waiting, stoop-shouldered and heavy-lidded and pale. His chest rose under my hand, and when he ducked his head to kiss me I was as tall as him.
"Master, you should see the healers." I murmured the words into his mouth.
"I have been with the Council. I wished to see you first."
"You are injured, Master."
"Those are only bruises. I needed to see you first."
I stared at him, knowing he had just said something I didn't yet understand, but he closed his eyes and kissed me again, again. When our mouths opened I felt his breath curl into my lungs, into my toes, and I was so taken with the tremble in his eyelids, the faint flutter of dark lashes that I almost forgot to kiss him back.
There was an edge of blue... Now I looked, I could see a dark swelling past his hairline, and my fingers skimmed over, and he flinched and then chuckled, but it was a painful sound.
"Master Jinn, what did they do to you?" Nothing I should ask, but he had the power to answer or not, and I needed him to know... to know that I asked.
"I wasn't welcome." His hands stiffened on my back, and his jaw tightened. "Some missions are difficult to leave behind."
"I don't understand."
"You are young."
I stepped back to look him in the eye. "We cannot fix everything, but I know you did what you could. You work in the Light. You do good."
He smiled, still sad, and kissed me again. "You are young."
I was nervous when I approached him that night. It was time, past time that he had me. I had been given a rare gift, to have touched him, to have seen his bruises. It was not entirely appropriate but he had chosen to share time with me, to kiss me in the light before he even saw the healers. It was shameful that I should hesitate to welcome him inside my body.
I washed myself thoroughly that evening. My fingers caused no discomfort, though his size... Not his shaft, but him, his weight on me...
Master Jinn sat up when I reached him, dropping his legs over the side of the bed and guiding me to sit astride him, so my head almost brushed the bunk above. He pulled me close with his huge hands until my soft penis brushed his belly and our chests pressed, and his face rested in my hair.
He surrounded me, I surrounded him and he felt small in my embrace, like a child.
The tickle of his beard on my cheek, chasing out my breath, soft lips and prickly hair trailing up to my temple, and then he cupped my skull to bring me down and he scraped his jaw along my forehead. Silent nuzzling that continued as flesh slapped above us, rocking our bed, and a couple moaned their completion somewhere deeper in the room. Master Jinn's attention never strayed from my face. The hand on my back swept up and I felt his fingers on my cheek, tracing up the side of my nose, under my eyes. I swallowed, stilling the stir in my belly, and stroked his soft hair.
The swelling was gone; this was the invulnerable Master Jinn once more. I wiggled my hips and his hands on my waist pulled me closer, lining our shafts together between us. We both began to fill. His great hands slid down, his fingers reaching around my buttocks, inches from the cleft between.
A deep breath, steady release. I remembered the way he had softened when he first saw me in the corridor. I need not fear pain.
It was not pain I feared. I did not like penetration. I did not like the feel of thick flesh pushing inside me. I didn't want Master Jinn to do that to me. I had to end this and return to my bed to save this burgeoning, precious friendship.
"Hush."
I gasped for breath.
"Shh."
He was lying back, pulling me to lie atop him but I couldn't, I had to go. I resisted but his strong arms enfolded me to his chest.
"Hush, Padawan." His voice was a soft rumble. "What is it you fear?"
I clutched him as I steadied myself, letting my fingers scrabble against his ribs. "I'm sorry."
A kiss to my crown. "No apologies. Speak honestly."
I laid my cheek to his breast, and lifted a finger to trace the dark peak of his nipple. "I am sorry. I don't like to be penetrated."
A moment's quiet.
"Has someone hurt you?"
"No!"
He put a steadying hand on my back, quieting me, pulling me back down to his chest.
I swallowed, remembering where we were, and lowered my voice. "No. I don't want to disappoint you. You are Master Jinn, I should be honoured..."
The hand on my back began to stroke, soothing. "No. Padawan, we all have different pleasures. I like what you are doing to my nipple."
I snorted, and pulled gently with my thumb and finger.
"Let this bed be ours. Let this not be about honour. Just pleasure. Companionship."
I was not sure what to make of that. "Don't you want to penetrate me?"
His head shook to the negative, and suddenly his whisper was strained. "That's the last thing I want tonight." His legs parted so my knees slipped between and we were kissing, needfully.
My gentle, wonderful Master Jinn. Relief prickled at my eyes and we ground together, skin sliding and hips scraping, his hand cupping my arse to pull me tighter to him, and then his thighs fell a little wider. "Padawan, I am glad you are here."
I was bracing my knees to grind harder, our breaths were hitching as we grappled to be closer, not enough and then suddenly his arms wrapped around me, crushing our bodies together. I froze in surprise and confusion, struggling to breathe in his grip, and then I felt his chest shuddering against mine, and his face was pressed into my neck, and my neck was damp.
"Master..." I hissed too loudly in the silent room, and I felt him swallow.
"Padawan Kenobi..." My head drawn down, that he might whisper in my ear. "Padawan Kenobi, would you take me?"
I frowned in the dark, uncomprehending.
His beard brushed my cheek, and his hand slipped between us, blunt fingers skimming my swollen shaft. "Please." A long, shaking breath. "Would you penetrate me?"
"You?"
"I need this tonight."
Four words, to bring everything I knew crashing down. He wanted it.
He wanted to be pressed into the mattress, to have a penis pushed into him. My penis. "Why?" Far too loud in the quiet room, breaking the creaking rhythm from the next bunk.
His breath rushed out. "I should not have asked."
I ran my hand down to his crinkling hair, to his soft round testicles, suddenly startlingly aware of what lay behind. Take Master Jinn like a new padawan?
His hips lifted, and suddenly my hand was full of him, my fingers brushing too far back, and I jerked away.
"I cannot. Master, that is... you are a Master."
"I am sorry."
"It is not my place."
"I am sorry. Hush." Fingers pressed at my lips. "I should not have asked. Please forget."
My mind whirled but he turned me, putting my back to his chest, and wrapped me in his arms, and his hand closed around my shaft, working me quickly to orgasm.
I must have dozed. Somewhere deep in the night I woke to find our positions reversed, my forehead to his broad warm shoulder, my arm flung over his waist, my hips curled around his, my penis pressed against his buttock. He slept deeply, long steady breaths. He wanted to be penetrated. I couldn't imagine.
This enormous, powerful man, this leader of Jedi, welcomed the intrusion I avoided, wanted to be a receptacle like a fresh padawan. I didn't understand it at all.
I lifted my arm to shift position and the movement disturbed him, making him snuffle and turn over, burrowing into the warmth of my body. I found myself on my back, his head on my chest. I wrapped one arm around his shoulders, settled my other hand in his hair, and lay awake for a long time.
"I was not sure you would join me today."
I dipped my head, shaking off my robe and unwrapping my outer tunic. I had not been sure myself.
Master Jinn was stripped to his singlet, had been stretching when I entered the salle, and he had already begun to sweat.
I turned my back to him as I undressed, to keep from staring at the seat of his trousers.
"I am sorry, Padawan Kenobi."
I looked up, surprised, from folding my sashes. I'd expected - hoped - there would be no need for discussion. It wasn't right, to stand before Master Jinn and imagine the cleft of his arse.
"I had no right to ask that of you. No right to burden you."
"It is no burden, Master Jinn."
"Is it not?"
I wished to reassure him, protect the man who had turned to me. Clung to me. But what sort of reassurance was a lie? "I knew Jedi Masters could be injured. I did not know they could be hurt."
"Or shaken."
I was taken, suddenly, with the image of the Temple's columns shaking, dust from the ceiling raining on the floors of the great halls.
We sparred for an amazing hour. I could feel his body moving around me, could sense him in the shift of air, sometimes closed my eyes to fight him better. For the first time, there was no magic in his style, just mechanics and Force and decades of survival. No less beautiful, but it was... less.
Master Jinn wanted me to have the strength that he did not. I, in turn, had looked upon him as the man I wished to become.
All my fretting had come to naught, and yet we were both disappointed after all.
Somehow we both knew this would be the last time we sparred. At the end, Master Jinn nodded to me and I bowed formally to him. We regarded each other gently, and we became strangers again.
Padawan Linni was the first person I ever penetrated.
I was seventeen. He was a half-year a padawan, tall for his age and solid. I had never considered a junior lover. I had not yet imagined that others might look up to me.
I did not tell him it was my first time. He never suspected that the long, leisurely foreplay stemmed as much from my fear that he would dislike the act as from a patient will to give him pleasure.
He liked it. It was not the magic that Knight Hahtgi had promised, all those years before. I winced at the uncomfortable grunt he made as I entered, and I had to ask if my pace was satisfying him, but he thanked me profusely afterwards and he told me that he strived to be as strong a Jedi as I.
For me it was... better. Certainly I enjoyed sex without the anxiety that came with taking older lovers. More than that, over the next few years I found a satisfaction in coupling with juniors that I had never found in their place. With only a year or two of seniority, I could guide. Comfort. Protect. There was true pleasure in teaching the skills of hands and mouths, and if they enjoyed penetration then I was glad to give it. They trusted me, and all the wisdom of a seventeen, eighteen, nineteen year-old padawan, and I hid from them the fears left behind by a night comforting a Jedi Master. A new padawan did not need to watch his Master and wonder, are there cracks?
I watched mine every day.
I learned how to detect lies and outmanoeuvre politicians, how to examine and understand the culture and will of a population, how to disguise my contempt as I mingled with criminals and despots, all the skills I'd known would come with time.
My missions grew more difficult. Civilians always assume that Jedi training begins with negotiations, investigations, transportations, and are surprised when they see newly-minted padawans in war zones or disaster areas.
War zones are easy, and the devastation of natural disasters easier still. When a powerful culture invades a weaker one, intent on plundering resources and enslaving the people, even a fourteen year-old sees no difficulty in raising his saber in defence. Not far behind are investigations. Challenging as it is to meet the manipulations of politicians and other criminals, the search for truth is a worthy cause.
It was negotiations that gave me sleepless nights. The cold wars. It was the missions where I could not see where the threads of my involvement would lead, where I did not know friend from enemy, where I began to wonder if I was bringing justice or simply order.
Master Tandau never doubted. He always had an answer for every question, a soothing word for every fear. My Master still had the certainty I'd relied on since my first days out of the creche.
On missions like those, I remembered the night when Master Jinn clung to me. I imagined the missions faced by one such as he, and I thought I was beginning to understand, and that chilled me most of all.
I was nearly twenty when Master Jinn returned from Beal. I knew little of it but the outline, a centuries-old land dispute and war of terrorism, moves towards peace hampered by a proliferation of splinter groups. Other Jedi had tried and failed. Master Jinn would not be the last.
I saw him in the corridor, and he nearly saw through me but on a sudden impulse I stepped into his way. I missed him; surely enough time had passed that we might resume our friendship. He slowed, gave me a small bow and a smile. "Padawan Kenobi, I trust you are well?"
"Very well, Master Jinn."
"I hear that your saber-duelling skills have become quite formidable."
"Thank you, Master Jinn."
He looked the same as always, warm, confident, poised, but the soft places beneath his eyes were dark, and he never took his hands from his sleeves. I wondered if there were bruises beneath his robe, and I was surprised to realise how much I wanted to peel away his sashes to see. To heal.
His bed was two bunks from mine. He never looked my way as we all pottered about, laying our morning clothes on our lockers and washing for bed. He was already comfortably ensconced in his top bunk when I climbed up into mine, barely making it before darkness filled the room. I waited, listening to the shuffle of feet until it faded into the gentle smacking sounds of mouths and flesh.
I'd thought of him all afternoon and evening, thoughts whirling in circles without end, but it wasn't until that moment that I knew I would do it.
I had never felt this uncertainty at approaching a lover. Not like this. I had never been so conscious of other people moving past me in the dark, only an armslength away, had never felt so bare before the Jedi who lay in their beds. I'd never wondered if anyone was peering through the dark to read my shape.
At his bunk I hesitated, sensing two people on the bed below. I put my foot on the first rung of the ladder, and then the second and third, and soon I was sitting on the edge of his mattress. I could feel his shape, curled on his side away from me, but at my touch he began to lift. I stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, pressing him to roll onto his back. He didn't know who his visitor was, but then I leaned forward and kissed him and he did. "Padawan Kenobi?"
"Hush."
I slipped my shorts down to my toes and then let them drop to the floor and lay beside him, my body to the length of him, and then I kissed him again, deeply, with all the erotic intent I could muster. He seemed to melt, hard muscles going soft beneath me, two fingers stroking lightly on my shoulder. He fluttered, uncertain, until I squeezed his shoulders, pressing my mouth hard to his and sucking his tongue into my mouth, and then his fingers were digging into my back like claws, and hot wet desire rushed through me. It was like this with no one else. I wanted. I wanted with a hunger, as he did, and in that I found the confidence to reach down and stroke his shaft. He was solid already, his pulse vibrating in him, and my light caress was enough to freeze him for just a moment. I smiled, heady with it, lifted my hand to scratch through his beard as I kissed him again.
Beautiful. Master Jinn in my hand, unchecked desire. I had no place knowing this, but he gave it to me, the vulnerable heart of him.
A last kiss and I squirmed down the bed, sucking his nipples as I went, kissing his hip until I was curled in a ball between his legs. The smell of him just as I remembered, the taste of him I had not forgotten, his soft balls rolled in my hand. I had him moan aloud when I scratched my nails down his inner thighs and he went stiff and silent when I sucked him. He allowed it, welcomed it, so I took a long breath and let my longest finger trace up the space behind.
He could be disgraced for this. He could report me to Master Tandau. He gasped and spread his thighs.
I wished there was more light, wished I could see this, settled instead to wiggle my finger a little deeper into the hot damp crevice, until the skin puckered, no different from the young padawans, a knot that I could loosen and press my finger through, fingers, until I slid my cock in here and it would tighten around me. I could find a place inside Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn's body. It was terrifying, and fantastic.
He was pulling at my wrist, a small bottle in the hand that pulled me, until I lay beside him, and he'd rolled onto his stomach.
"Stay down," barely audible, "they mustn't see."
Witnesses only metres away, and if they looked too closely at our dark silhouette they would know, and there would be scandal. Greater for him than for me, a great Master reduced to boy by a nineteen year-old padawan. Me they would simply watch, to see if I was corrupted by arrogance, if I'd lost sight of my place in the Order.
I wanted to ask if he was sure, but I couldn't. He might say no. So I rested my hand on the mound of his buttock, rubbing gently until I found the courage to take the bottle from him, to tip it up to fill his crack, and then turned my wrist to let my fingers slide between, circling and pressing against him. He was flat on his belly; I on my side, pressed up beside him, feeling him shake, shudder as two of my fingers slid suddenly inside, just the tips, but I was inside him.
It was incredible. I was breathless. He was so tight, his entrance tight but soft within, velvet on my fingers, and he twitched as I moved, his entire body reacting to even the slightest shift of my fingers. His ear was centimetres from my mouth, so I leaned in to press my lips against it. Pulled gently at the lobe, let my tongue sweep around the edge, suddenly determined to know every fold, to know the exact shape with my mouth, even as my fingers explored below, making him loose. Making him quiver.
"Do you like this?" I whispered.
"Yes. Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan. I'd always been Padawan Kenobi, and the intimacy of my name was breathtaking. I wanted him to say it again. I wanted to say his name, whisper it in his ear to see if I could but I wasn't brave enough for that, to push the boundaries further than we already were, so I fastened my mouth to his ear and pushed my fingers deeper. I heard a gasp, felt him part his legs wider, so I pulled out and added a third finger, sliding them steadily inside, not pausing even when his breath shook. His hips were pushing back, and I took that as the proof I needed.
He moved, pulling away, and cold prickles chased through my skin but he only rolled to his side, his back to me, reaching to draw me closer. I shook. He wanted it.
Cautiously, I shifted forward, until the tip of my erection lay against his crack, and I had to stop, dizzy. I was about to breach Master Jinn, to slide my cock inside his body, touch him where he hadn't been touched since he was a youth as callow as I. He trusted me to do this. I could have stayed there forever, just dazed with the promise of it, but his hand was pulling me forward, and then it was moving to his own body, spreading his cheeks, touching his loose hole.
I didn't breathe as I put the head of my cock at that wrinkled opening, as I wrapped my fingers around his hip to hold him steady while I pushed, getting nowhere until he strained back, and I pushed a little harder and suddenly I was just inside, gasping, and he was gasping.
Loud in the sleeping room; I leaned in so my chest was pressed to his warm, broad back, my face buried in his tangled hair, so no one could read our shape. Our lungs heaved together, and then I continued to push, straining into his sweet, hot body until I was home, and incomprehensibly my eyes prickled, suddenly my throat itched; I clung to him, pressing myself to him as though our very flesh might merge.
"Obi-Wan."
The word touched me, like fingers, and I found myself stretching to put my lips to his ear, to whisper so only he could hear. "Qui- Gon."
His breath rushed from his lips. "On top."
And we rolled, I never slipped out, until I was astride his hips once more, lifted a moment while he dragged a pillow under. A moment feeling him between my thighs, and then I moved my legs between his, pushing his knees wider, lying tight against him so I could push deep, take long, deep strokes. His body tightened around me, resisting my entrance, clenching as I withdrew. I kissed his back, slid my hands beneath his arms and he caught them in his own, squeezing my fingers tight.
It was good for him. He managed to keep silent but I could feel it in the grasp of his fingers, in the irregular swell of his chest beneath my mouth. This great Jedi Master liked this, this taking I had never enjoyed, found pleasure where I'd only felt used, and I wanted to give him more. I pumped in and out, going faster and a little harder, sometimes harder still to make his fingers twist around mine. I had never taken someone like this before, never let my desire loose on those children, never imagined the power and freedom of this trust, the way it would make my belly burn, make my shaft harder and fatter than ever before. I wanted him to come, wanted to feel how it felt to him, what brought him such incredible pleasure in this, being opened and invaded, submitting his body to another. I wanted to know that it felt good to be vulnerable to me. I wanted to know that I could do this again.
A high noise; a whimper, quickly suppressed and suddenly his body clenched around me, almost pain but incredible, tightening over and over, my balls turned to liquid and I was coming, emptying myself inside him, coming inside my Qui-Gon.
I found Master Jinn exactly where I knew I would. He stood in the Hall of Ghosts before his own mural, eyes focused somewhere beyond it, and he didn't respond to my approach until I took my place beside him. Wordlessly, he took my hand in his.
"This was Weltin, only three years after I was Knighted. I did good work there." His thumb stroked my fingers. "My next mission was to Arsteen. If we had a hall to commemorate the Jedi's greatest failures, Arsteen would have a mural there."
I shifted closer. "Are they all like you? The other Masters?"
"I don't know."
He stared at the mural, but I watched him. Standing tall with his chin high, he was every inch the Jedi I'd admired since my childhood. "I don't think they are."
His throat bobbed. "Perhaps not."
"The other padawans are not like me."
That earned a long silence, until finally he dipped his head and turned to me. "No. They are not. What we did last night was... It meant a great deal to me, Padawan Kenobi. I would not have asked-"
"You may ask me as often as you wish."
His eyes widened, just slightly, and then reluctantly he shook his head. "It is not appropriate."
Now I squeezed his hand. "I didn't understand then, Master Jinn. I do now. I can be this for you."
"Padawan..."
"I want it." I wanted him to need me, and I wanted to be inside him again. I secretly wondered if he might take me in his hot, wet mouth, but that was a question for the dark. "We have something more. We feel it even in the training rooms, and when we pass in the halls."
He was searching for an argument, so I laid a hand on his chest and let it slide down to the place where his sashes crossed, over the place that was trembling in me. "When you came here this morning, before you came to this mural, I think you went to the other." A light tug to the edge of his sash. "I think there is gravel on your knees from kneeling to touch the Zabrakian padawan and his Knight."
I had surprised him with that. It was true. His gaze flickered over mine, seeming to read my very thoughts. "You are young."
His tone was sober but I could sense the affection beneath, the loosening of his resolve, and I grinned. "I am old enough." Boldly I kissed him, burying my fingers in his hair, and he gathered me close until only my toes touched the ground.
-end-
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