Warnings: Um, maybe it would help if you imagined it in black
and white. :-) And I *hope* I formatted it correctly; I think
I'm more nervous about that than reaction to the story.
Spoilers: none
Disclaimers: Nope, they're not mine. They belong to Lucasfilm
and the world.
Summary: Quicky, I wanna be in the show!
Feedback: Sure, why not! Thanks.
I don't like to brag, but I happen to know a couple of
Hollywood *insiders,* and a couple of years ago I got a sneak
peek at an early draft of what would eventually become ST: TPM.
It turns out that Lucas' early vision was *much* different than
what we eventually saw up on screen last May. I think it has
been long enough now that I can share this with you without
fear of getting into trouble with my friends.
STAR WARS Episode I: I LOVE OBI
Setting: small, middle class living quarters in the Jedi Temple
in the upper east side of Coruscant.
Premise: Zany redheaded homemaker Obi-Wan McKenobi Quicardo
desperately wants to be a Jedi Knight, but his bondmate, Jedi
Master Qui-Gon Quicardo (known and loved by all as "Quicky")
won't hear of it. Quicky runs a little Jedi nightclub called
the Tropi-scanta, a favorite night spot among Jedi council
members and other knights.
As the film begins, Red headed Jedi wannabe, Obi-Wan, is
sitting at his kitchen table avidly reading a newspaper, when a
door opens from the right.
Shmi-thel Mertz: Knock, knock. Obi honey, can I borrow a cup of
coffee?
Obi doesn't hear her, and continues to read. Shmi-thel shrugs,
and picks up the coffee pot and pours some coffee into a cup.
She then turns back, leans over Obi.
Shmi-thel: Whatya reading?
Obi: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Obi jerks back in fright, causing Shmi-thel to spill her
coffee.
Obi: Shmi-thel! You scared me to death! Don't sneak up on a
person like that!
They both start to clean up the spilled coffee, and Shmi-thel
pours herself a second cup before sitting down at the table
with Obi.
Shmi-thel: Well, I did speak when I came in Obi. What had you
so distracted?
Obi: A story about a group of Jedi Knights who infiltrated a
beauty parlor and captured a rogue hair stylist on Alderaan. He
was forcing women to adopt the most outlandish hair styles.
Obi picks up the paper and shows it to Shmi-thel.
Obi: See look at the picture of this poor girl.
Shmi-thel: The poor little thing! She looks like she has a
couple of cinnamon buns attached to either side of her head.
Obi: That's right. Gosh those Jedi Knights are brave. They'll
face any hazard to guard justice and honor in the galaxy ---
risky space travel, the Sith, a bad perm. Sigh.
Shmi-thel: What's the matter, honey?
Obi: Gee, Shmi-thel. I wish I could be a Jedi Knight!
Shmi-thel: Now, Obi. You know that Quicky would have to say
about that!
Just then from the next room.
Quicky: Obi, I'm home!
Obi and Shmi-thel go through a swinging door to the left and
into the living area, where Quicky is standing next to the open
door. Obi goes to Quicky and gives him a kiss.
Obi: Hi, Quicky. How was work today?
Quicky: Don't ask! We lost one of our acts, and I'm not sure
what I'm going to do about tonight's show.
Obi perks up when he hears this; you can almost see the wheels
in his brain start turning.
Quicky: Oh, hello, Shmi-thel. Where's Mace?
Just then, Mace Mertz appears at the doorway.
Mace: Here I am. Hello, Quicardos! Anyone up for a game of
cards?
Quicky: No, sorry, I can't Mace. I need to get back to the club
and figure out what to do about tonight's show. Chancellor
Valorum has asked us to stage a tribute to Naboo in honor of
Queen Amidala's visit, and one of my acts just ran out on me. A
couple of Neimoidians told me they got a better offer from
something called the Trade Federation.
Obi: Uh, Quicky, honey. I had the tv on the other day, and I
saw someone doing a light saber demonstration with a dual-sided
lightsaber, and well, I think the Queen would love seeing
something like that.
Quicky: And?
Obi: Well, you know, I used to be pretty good with a
lightsaber, and ...
Quicky: Oooooooooo-bi!
Obi: What?
Quicky: You know that I don't want you gettin' 'volved in
Jedbizness!
Obi: [pause] Master Qui-Gon, what happened to you accent?
Quicky: [A little startled himself.] I'm not sure, my
apprentice. But that *is* the way the line is written in the
script.
Obi: Oh, alright. [He gets back into the spirit of the
argument] Gettin' 'volved in Jedbizness? What's that?
Quicky: Obi!
Obi: We-el. Oh, come on Quicky! You know that I know as much
about the Jedi Business as that Anakin Skywalker you're using
in your act!
Quicky: I don't care. No mate of mine is going to be in Jedi
Business. And that's final.
Quicky stomps over to the couch, sits down and opens up a
newspaper. In the meantime, Mace and Shmi-thel wink at each
other and walk over to Quicky to say something.
Mace: Say, Quicky! My honey bunch and I might be able to help
you with your show tonight. Back when we were in the Jedi
Business we had a little Nubian number that used to go over
pretty well, if I do say so myself.
Mace sings out a "hmmmmmm,"to get them in tune, and then the
two start singing:
Mace and Shmi-thel: [Sung to the tune of By the Light of the
Silvery Moon]
By the light of the Nubian moons!
We want to spoon, and like the Gungans, we'll sing love's
tunes!
Na-boo moons! Keep a-shining in June,
Your bright twin feed, will shine on Theed,
We'll be cuddlin' soon!
By the light of those moons!
Quicky laughs with delight and applauds the pair.
Quicky: That's great, Mertz's! You're in the act. Mace, why
don't you come down to the club with me and we'll talk to the
band about your number.
Obi: What about me, Quicky?
Quicky: You stay here, Obi. [He see that Obi is mad.] Now,
don't pout. I'll tell you what. Tomorrow night, you can put on
your prettiest outfit, and we'll go out for dinner and a show.
As the other men leave, Obi flops down on the couch and angrily
crosses his arms across his chest.
Obi: Ooooooooooh!
Shmi-thel: So, Obi. You want to do something for the next
couple of hours. Play cards? Or maybe watch a pod race on tv?
Obi: I don't know about you, but I'll tell you what I'm going
to do. I'm going to get in that show! I'm going to show Quicky,
and Queen Amidala, and Chancellor Valorum, and everybody just
how Force sensitive Obi-Wan McKenobi Quicardo can be!
Shmi-thel: But Obi. How can you be in the show? You heard what
Quicky said.
Obi: I have a plan .........
The setting switches to the Tropi-scanta nightclub. As the
lights come up, Quicky strides out to midstage, carrying a
white straw hat in one hand, and a lightsaber in the other. The
audience applauds.
Quicky: Thank you. Thank you. I understand that this next
number is one of Queen Amidala's favorites. So, maestro, if you
please. [He puts on the hat and dances with the lightsaber
during the number.]
Quicky: [Sung to the tune of Cuban Pete]
They call me Jedi Qui,
I'm the King of the Force am I,
When I swing my lightsaber I go
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy boom, chic-chicy boom
Oh yes, I'm Jedi Qui,
I'm the craze of the temple am I,
When I start to swing everyone goes
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy-boom
So if you want to sigh, take a lesson from Jedi Qui!
And I'll teach you to
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy boom, chic-chicy boom!
Qui turns for Anakin's entrance, but is shocked when Obi, not
Anakin appears. Obi is wearing a sexy, sequined tunic, and
twirling his own lightsaber. After a few shocked moments, Qui
gets back into the spirit of the act.
Obi: They call me Obi Sweet!
I'm the padawan that's got the heat!
And I want to learn to
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy boom, chic-chicy boom!
Say, Mr. Jedi Qui?
Quicky: Yes, Sir!?
Obi: Have the Jedi a different beat? Can you teach me to
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy boom, chic-chicy boom!
Quicky: Si, Padawan, I know that you would like to
chicy-boom-chic
It's very nice!
So full of spice!
I place my hand on your hip and if you will just give me your
hand then we shall try, Just you and Jedi Qui Aye Aye!
So if you like to sigh,
Take a lesson from Jedi Qui!
And I'll teach you to
Chic-chicy-boom, chic-chicy boom, chic-chicy BOOM!
Wild applause ensues as Quicky twirls Obi around, and gives him
a quick kiss before they bow to the crowd. Just then, Anakin
Skywalker emerges from behind a curtain, gagged and tied to a
chair, which he is awkwardly, and angrily, pushing forward in
short jumping motions.
Quicky turns to Obi, hands on hips and aims an exasperated look
toward his partner, who looks down, with one finger on his
chin, trying to look innocent. Suddenly from the audience...
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