Feedback: I'm just dying to know what everyone thought of this.
Summary: An POV resulting from that scene in TPM which took on
a life of its own.
Disclaimer: I am not a genius like GC so these nice characters
dont belong to me, I'm only playing and make no money off this.
Author's Note: This story was inspired by the lyrics of Sarah
Mclachlans wonderful Do what you have to do, I would
recommended listening to it along with this. This is my first
attempt at SW slash although I am no slash virgin I have not
posted fic any where before so be kind.
I dont know how to let you go
I watched as you feel, our love disappearing before my eyes,
I'm ashamed to admit it but after I cried out my despair, I
felt the hate and anger build inside me and I welcomed it, feed
off it, I almost threw away all my Jedi training and gave into
the darkness.
As I fought against that monster I felt you through our bond,
your fear of losing another to the darkside, it was then I
remember how you had changed my life, everything you taught me,
the years together, the love that grew over those years. I know
you would reason with me that the force has led us here, but
I'm not ready yet, I cant accept this fate I see. I know you
always followed your heart and that fate has a part in
everything. You always did what you had to do, but at this
moment I resent it, resent that this path is going to take you
from me.
Still even now you are doing what you feel you have to do,
especially with the boy, and now as I fight on against your
attacker I can feel you doing what you think you must, using
all your energy not to heal yourself as I want you to, you know
I need you to, instead you are focusing all your energy on me,
sending me your reassurance, strength and love, it keeps me
going, keeps me in the light, I know what I have to do, If I
can finish this now I will be in time to heal you, there will
be time for me to show how much I love you, you will be there
to share in my joy of becoming a knight and you will be able to
train the boy. You will be able to do what you have to do.
After I vanquished our attacker I finally got to hold you,
comfort you, try to heal you, make you hold on anything to stop
you from leaving me, I'm not ready to face the world without
you, I cant face a new day alone, I know I'm not ready to let
you go, no matter if you have accepted your fate or not I will
not let you leave me, not yet.
As I hold you, cradle you against me, promise to train the boy,
anything to make you happy, make you want to stay, fight to
stay with me please. You reach up and touch me and I know you
don't want to leave me, I'm not ready to let you go but that
doesn't slipping away, I hold you closer to me as if by sheer
will I can make you stop, stop you from hurting, keep you from
returning to the force on which we both strive, no matter how I
hold onto you I cant stop you from weakening, as your body goes
limp in my arms the only thing I can do is pull you closer and
bring my head down onto yours, kiss your forehead lightly and
weep.
It feels as though part of me has been ripped away and it has,
you have been a part of my life for so long but more than that
you were part of my soul, my being, our bond has not weakened
in death, I can still feel you, although not physically.
Evens now that they have taken you from me I feel you, hear
you, and see you everywhere. I hold to that, to all the
memories, the number of times you held me over the years, first
as a father comforts a child, then as a friend and eventually
as a lover, I remember the times you kissed me, loved me,
touched me. I can still feel your breath on my skin, the feel
of your hair, the texture of your skin, your voice, your eyes,
your hands, your body. During the day I try not to think about
you, even as you follow me, whisper in my ear I resist, but I
know I still can't let you go.
I try to quell the yearning to be with you, the wish that I had
let go and feel into the shaft or had been run through as well,
I know I cant be with you, not yet, still you are with me, for
now I do what I have to do, I train Anakin as I promised you, I
hear your voice telling me how to instruct him, how to change
his stance, his technique. The same advice, phrases you used to
teach me roll off my tongue, I hear you reassuring me, you show
me how to teach him best.
I can almost feel your touch now. I do what I have to do but
still I hold onto you, your memory, your spirit, I know I cant
let you go, I cant let go of the need to be near you, to join
you, I don't know how to let you go, even if I did I don't
think I could or would want to.
I know I should let go and move on, I fool everyone around me
into thinking I'm ok, that I am letting go and moving on. But I
cant, I still hold onto you, now even tighter than ever,
especially at night, in our quarters our bed, I wake up and
reach out for you, expecting to find you lying beside me, to
feel your arms around me, my head against your chest, the heat
of your body pressed so closely against mines that we are
almost one person, I reach but my hands do not connect with the
solid graceful form of your body, instead I find cold sheets,
instead I wrap my arms around myself and weep my body wracked
with quiet sobs, sometimes Anakin is there to comfort me, he
misses you too, he tries to understand what I am feeling but he
cant comprehend the extent of my despair, he doesn't know what
you meant to me, no one did.
Only we were aware of our bond, how completely we had become
inexplicably intertwined around each other's souls. Still I
hide my pain. I hold myself high as you would want, I don't let
those around me see how broken I am, I do what I have to do,
what I promised you, a promise I will give my life, my soul to
complete. I train the boy he is doing well, he seems to have
accepted your death and is trying to move past it, you would be
proud of him. Of course you were right about him as you always
were, It would certainly be too dangerous not to train him,
such power untrained, who knows what the result could be. Still
I wish the same could be said for me, I will never get over you
leaving me, although I don't want to because then I would have
to let you go, I would no longer hear your voice, feel your
touch which gets more solid with every passing day, see your
shimmering form hovering in front of me.
Now as I lay in our bed I would not be able to say that I can
now almost feel you next to me, to feel your arms wrap around
me and pull me into your familiar embrace, your scent
surrounding me. I open my eyes and I see you smiling down at
me, I don't care anymore if this is real or I'm going crazy
with grief, I can feel your soft lips brush mines and I have
the sense to recognise, I don't know haw to, wouldn't want to,
wont let you go.
When you first appeared to me you were only a faint glimmer of
your former self, I know that this is either a result of my
mind overwrought with grief but I hope in my heart that it is
the extent of our bond, our love. That since your death it has
been building inside me, feeding of my memories of you,
thoughts, love and grief, that it feed our bond and the force.
It started like an glowing ember, burning hot and slow like the
growing of our love, the forming of our bond and now it has
gradually brought you back to me, just me.
Deep inside I fear that I might just be loosing my mind, I push
that thought away and lean back against you, I feel you behind
me, solid in spirit as you were in life. I'm struck by the
realisation that it is your presence around me which is keeping
me alive, that I live only to be with you but that doesn't
matter. I am sane enough to know that I can't be with you, I
can't join with you in the force, there are things I have to do
but I can still have you with me.
I no longer reach out during the night and connect with cold
sheets instead I am pulled into strong arms as strong hands
glide lazy circles across my back. I still don't know how to
and I don't want to know how to let you go, I know I cant be
with you but I will still do what I have to do, I will keep my
promise to you, you will help me keep it. I don't know how to
let you go, I wont until my duty here is done, only then I will
be able to join you in the force, then we can once again exist
as one soul. Until that time our bond will keep us together as
it always has throughout the years. I know I will be with you
and I will never have to let you go. I smile sleepily at you as
I feel your familiar heat pressed against me, I kiss you
lightly before I drift off knowing that I will never have to
let you go.
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