Archive: MA and anyone else who wants it! (Just ask first
please!)
Category: Angst, POV
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon come together after all. (Set
before TPM)
Feedback: Please please please please! I need some enouragement
and constructive crit badly! (You can direct those here or to
my other email address up above)
Note!!!: Heh this is my first fic that I've written all on my
own. Some of you might recognize me from the Obi/Bruck story
"First Night", which I'm writing with Justis. (And don't worry,
we'll get another piece of that out soon hopefully. nudges
Justis)
Just want to add a warning onto the story, because it was
pointed out to me that the story was in need of one. The story
contains a debatable semi-consensual erotic scene. It's not
flat out unwanted, but it's not the ideal romantic and loving
scene either. Mostly it's just upset over the fact that it
didn't happen the way one or the other wanted it to because of
a play of power. That's the best I can do in describing it.
Hope it helps some.
Disclaimer!! (something I forgot dhe first time, why do I
always do that? Gee...Freudian slip I guess) All characters
herein belong to Lucasfilm etc etc. Making NO profit from this,
just a fun amateur effort.
Part 1
(Obi-Wan)
I toweled dry my hair, letting out an exhausted sigh as I came
out of the fresher, moisture and steam still clinging to my
bare skin and swirling about in the cooler air of my sleeping
quarters. I would be glad to finally be able to sink down into
my mattress and fall into a deep sleep. Any minute now. I
just...had to slip on my sleep clothes. My eyelids were
drooping even as I dropped the towel on the floor and pulled up
my loose leggings. Ah, this was good enough. I dropped into the
bed with a contented exhale and rolled over onto my side,
pulling a sheet with me. The small lamp beside my bed was still
on and was pouring a glow of soft pinkish light directly onto
my face, but it no longer mattered.
I must have been asleep quite instantly, for I don't recall
hearing any small noises. I'm surprised I didn't wake, although
I'm sure somewhere, I sensed there was no danger whatsoever,
and so my body was allowed to sleep through it.
I did awake, however, when I was suddenly turned, thrown over
on my stomach, the sheet ripped away. It was rough, but I only
bounced into the soft mattress. Before I had time to react save
for a small yelp of surprise, I was pressed down by a heavy
weight surging over my back. My wrists were yanked back with a
bit of pain, and held tightly in one large and very strong,
hand.
I was, at that point, just a little scared, but quite instantly
after I realized the fear, I became aware that the weight was
very familiar, despite the fact that I'd never felt it in this
manner before. I relaxed under the pressure, turned my head to
the side so I could breathe better and let out a soft laugh.
"What are you doing, Master?" I asked through a smile,
straining to lift my head and look at him.
My head was pushed down immediately by another large hand. I
frowned at the pang of tingling it sent through my neck.
"Don't speak." His voice was unusually throaty, slightly gruff
and...urgent, perhaps.
It was then that a wave of concern hit me. Was something wrong?
Was I to keep quiet because someone or something was coming? I
froze, didn't move at all. //What's going on?// No response. I
felt my words thrown back at me as if an echo, but the emotion
behind them was absorbed. How odd.
I felt his weight on me shift. He was straddling my waist now,
sitting on me without mercy, considering just how heavy he
really was.
Now confusion replaced the concern. Nothing was wrong, he'd
have told me so...
"Master...?" I questioned him again, this time letting my
confusion be heard.
His weight shifted again just slightly and I felt the silkiness
of the ends his hair, unbidden by the usual tie, trace along my
bare back. My muscles quivered and tensed under the soft tickle
of it. Oh, what was he doing? I couldn't bring myself to ask
again, it felt too good suddenly. And ah! Qui-Gon! What! His
mouth had latched onto the back of my neck, warm and
unbearable! A shiver stretched its way through my body,
radiating from the point of his touch, as my body responded. I
squirmed then, squeezing my eyes shut and unable to stop the
moan that escaped my lips as I tried to pull away from the
excruciatingly good sensation.
As much as I wanted to give into it, as much as I'd been
waiting for something like this (from this man!) for what
seemed my entire life, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to
believe that this was real, that this was anything but just
another beautiful wet dream. But this one...this one was beyond
anything. It was...real! It was! My eyes snapped open once
again, wildly searching the room with my limited field of
vision.
I thrashed suddenly, and felt my master relent, as he tasted
the flood of emotion I was feeling. He allowed me to turn
halfway onto my side. He released my wrists and rested some of
his weight on my hip, the majority of his weight on his
knees--which were squeezed tightly around me. I turned my head,
finally able to face him. My eyes widened slightly when I saw
him, saw the look in his eyes. Lust, unadulterated. I moaned at
the sight. These were the eyes that haunted my dreams, only I
never imagined that they'd be this beautiful. I felt myself
harden to complete fullness, my erection nudging Qui-Gon's
knee.
He felt my understanding of his intentions, and the excitement
it gave me...in more than one way.
I began to lift my arms, reaching for him. I wanted to kiss
him, had to kiss him. I had to taste him like I'd never tasted
him before. My hands had just touched his beard, lightly
cradled his chin, when he pushed me onto my stomach again,
holding me firmly in place.
I whimpered with the disappointment and reached back, rubbing
my fingers over his knee as best as I could. It was a plea.
He made a small noise with an indistinguishable meaning and
then leaned over me again, pressing his chest against my back.
Oh how I longed to no longer feel the soft material of his
tunic, but the living warmth and resilience of his skin.
His mouth was at my ear now. A breathy whisper issued from it.
"Don't move. Don't touch."
I moaned with despair.
"That's not fair..." It was more of a whine than anything else,
but I didn't care. I was beyond caring. I was damn near in
tears in fact. How could he deny me this? I needed to taste him
or I was going to shrivel up and die!
"Hush," but his voice was soothing, persuasive.
I could sense a holding back in him. As if...what? As if he
didn't want to allow himself too much from this, and yet, that
he needed it as much as I did. But why was he doing this? Oh,
Master...
His tongue was tracing around the shell of my ear suddenly,
dipping down into the crevasses and under the fold. I gasped
and bucked slightly as it slipped into the hole of my ear, and
all thoughts of questioning were gone.
He taunted me, kissing down my jaw until his beard was
prickling my neck and I had to moan. His lips were so close to
mine and I tried to turn my head to capture them, but his hand
prevented me again. Another whimper from me and he moved his
lips even closer, kissing the corner of my mouth. I snaked my
tongue out quickly, managing to slurp his lips before he pulled
away.
Please. Oh, please. My brow furrowed with my silent pleading.
"Obi-Wan," he released my head.
Ah, my name, from his lips, in that tone! It sent a shock of
electricity through me. I shuddered, hands balling into fists
where they were held behind me.
I tensed suddenly. Wait. What was that? I gasped as I realized
that my hands were touching Qui-Gon--there! And he was
very...very aroused. I could barely breathe!
He kissed the furrow on my brow, making it relax and disappear.
I sighed very softly.
"You will obey me as if this were a training session."
That was the most he'd spoken so far. The command in his voice
both aroused me more and angered me. But did I really have much
choice? No. And if I disobeyed, he may stop altogether and
leave. I most certainly did not want that. So, I acquiesced.
Satisfied with my surrender, he released my hands and folded
them at the wrists, one over the other. He then began kissing
his way down my back, scooting himself lower, until he was
sitting on my ankles.
A small smirk spread over my lips and I wiggled my feet,
eliciting a gasp and a twitch from him. I nearly giggled and he
swatted me directly on the rear--therefore eliciting from
me, suddenly silenced laughter replaced by a long moan.
I decided to try it again. If that got me a swat...maybe I'd
get another. I bit my lower lip to keep from laughing aloud and
wiggled my feet harder. He was ready that time, and he swatted
me much harder. Oh, that hurt! I yelped and then shoved my face
into the pillow as I moaned again when the pain began to fade
to a tingle. How humiliating.
Qui-Gon was amused however. This I knew, for I heard his soft
rumbling laughter. That eased my embarrassment and I turned my
head to the side again, smiling coyly.
He slowly lifted each of my hands off my back and placed them
at my sides one at a time.
"So tense, Obi-Wan. Here I have the best masseuse in all of
Coruscant, and he must suffer with none."
I could hear the smile in his voice. And then he began to
massage my neck, my shoulders. He hit a painful spot just under
my shoulder blades.
"I know why that spot is so tender," Qui-Gon spoke again, and I
stayed perfectly silent, trying to quiet my breath, which
seemed deafening. I wanted to hear his voice clip the clear
silence. "You've just so recently lost your angel wings,
Padawan." He finished, moving his hands lower.
I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it was said so
lovingly, I couldn't help but smile softly in response.
His hands were so firm, but so gentle. Absolutely controlling,
yet yielding to the tender spots on my back. I felt...
possessed by him, without even having him yet claim me.
The hands I so adored were touching me, but it wasn't a mere
touch, it spoke volumes of unwritten verse and prose of
long-suppressed desires. Every deep circle expressed something
deeper than words, something I never thought I'd feel from him.
Something I felt for him, but kept hidden in the deepest
shadows of my mind.
He made his way to my lower back where I especially had spasms.
He let out a long breath, causing me to do the same in
reaction, and just then, my muscles let go. He made a soft hum
of approval and snaked his hands around my waist, purposely
driving me crazy by rubbing the spot at which my legs met my
torso. Maddening!
My breath caught in my throat. He was so close. Just...Just a
small fraction closer.
I gasped loudly, hands clenching. There was the sudden contact
I'd longed for. His hand was over my erection. No! Just a touch
and he moved on! Oh, that was no mistake, Master, you lingered
just a little too long!
I ached with the need for his touch.
Again, another brush, only this time, his hand swept up the
entire length of my erection. I groaned, scooting my hips a bit
lower, trying to gain that contact again, but he placed his
free-hand on my rear and held it firmly in place.
The other hand, meanwhile, continued in its vicious teasing,
driving me to the edge of insanity. I could no longer stay
quiet, nor keep still. He was fondling me without hesitation
now, and I was powerless to it, unable to bring myself the
release I so desperately needed.
I was nearly there when he stopped. It was as if he sensed it
like a predator senses the slow approach of the death of its
prey. Or as a torturer, knowing the very limits to push his
victim to before they will break. I cried out my protest as his
right hand rejoined the left on the backs of my ankles, and
together, they slid up my legs, sliding over and off the backs
of my thighs to continue up along my outer thighs. Onwards to
my hips where he paused, palms pressed flat against the padded
flesh. I was trembling uncontrollably, hair darkened with
sweat, skin no doubt glistening with it in this soft pinkish
light.
In a quick movement, two of Qui-Gon's fingers of each hand
hooked under the ribbing of my leggings. I tensed again with
the anticipation.
"Relax, my Obi-Wan."
My Obi-Wan.
My eyes fluttered at that endearment.
My master saw that I had not relaxed yet (How could I?), and he
ran the heel of his palm strongly up the middle of my back. I
could feel each muscle relax under that touch, obeying him
until my hands slowly uncurled, completely limp.
I was rewarded with a thinly pressed tongue trailing up my
spine to the hollow where my arm met the shoulder socket.
There, eventually, a kiss was placed followed by a hard suck. I
started at the sharp pressure--definitely painful enough that
it would leave a bruise. I smiled to myself, eyelids slipping
half-shut with the ecstasy that simple gesture gave me. I would
carry his mark on me for some while now.
He collected himself then, drawing away. For a moment I was
afraid he'd left the room, so silent it was.
But no, he returned, having shed his clothing. He stretched his
body completely out over my back. There was his erection, bare,
pressing through the thin fabric of my leggings, directly into
the crevasse of my ass. I gasped and arched my back, crying out
wantonly. I couldn't help it.
"Master! Yes! Please!"
My leggings were ripped down my legs finally. I heard the sound
of ripping cloth and I nearly came right there. Control. Oh,
control Obi-Wan! But my heart was thudding in my chest. I was
going to explode in orgasm first, and then my heart was going
to explode.
He was nudging at my entrance. Hesitant. I pushed against him,
urging him, but suddenly he pulled away, rubbing me with fierce
speed with his hand, enough so that it was painful, but
nevertheless, I exploded in his hand, crying out with the
agony.
And just then, he was gone.
As he fled the room, I found myself weeping not just with the
physical pain, but, more truly, with the emotional.
"Master!" I called out to him desperately, but he was gone. And
I had to obey. Had to obey...
I felt angry. Betrayed. Overpowered...used...even violated in
that his power was used against me. His status as "Master" used
to control me. No, I wasn't going to obey. He'd broken the code
and he knew it. And I was going to use it to my advantage.
With a determined set to my face, I rose from the sticky sheets
and went to his room.
Part 2
(Qui-Gon)
What made me do it? What in Sith Hells had I been thinking?!
I was trying to meditate. Trying and failing quite horribly.
It had been one week since the "incident". What else could I
call it? I shook my head in disgust. I hadn't only fled
Obi-Wan's room that night, I'd fled the entire Temple. And yes,
I had heard my Padawan's cries for me. I didn't return until
the next morning, and when I did, I came home to a very sullen
Padawan.
I did this, I had thought to myself.
He wouldn't meet my eyes during the entire of breakfast, and it
had been a silent affair. Things had carried on that way for
most of the days until now. I thought that perhaps I had
escaped the true consequences. Thought that perhaps the mere
silence would be all I would suffer with, and I knew that
wouldn't last forever. It couldn't.
Alas, I had been correct insofar as the silence went, however,
this morning, just so short a time ago, my sweet innocent
Padawan propositioned me with a threat of blackmail!
Ah, now you see why this old man is so on edge.
Back in my body, back in the Temple Gardens, I felt Yoda step
closer to me, felt him raise the infernal little stick--about
to thwap me with it as he always found reason to do.
"Don't.Touch.Me." I gritted the words out abruptly, jaw muscles
going into spasms as I forced the locked joint to move.
When had I ever been this quick-to-mouth? Well, perhaps that
was not the right description for my mood.
Try again, Qui-Gon. You'll get it right if you calm yourself.
No such luck.
I let out a loud sigh as I heard the expected disgruntled
"hrrmmm...", and opened my eyes, awash with new unsettle. I
didn't, however, turn to look at him where he stood, behind me
to the right.
"I apologize, Master. That outburst was uncalled-for. There is
no need to tell me thus, for I am already very aware," I
stressed the word. That was quite an understatement even so.
Painfully aware, was more like it. Agonizingly aware! Siths be
damned!
I didn't let my thoughts betray me as I spoke, "...And I am
taking steps to calm the unease within me." I continued before
he could get a word in. "If I need your help, I shall seek it
when ready."
A long stretch of silence followed, that found me growing even
more agitated. Yoda must have sensed this, for he backed off,
turned and hobbled away, grumbling something that which I was
unable to hear. I sorely hoped he didn't decide to become
involved "behind my back" as it were, due to my strange
behavior. Yoda definitely knew something was off balance.
I assured myself, however. By the time Yoda found out, I will
have eradicated the problem. Quite a simple thing,
really...although it would take all my willpower with which to
do it. I didn't really want to do it, you see, but I had to.
I'd made a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to pay the
consequences. No, the price was far too dear. To lose my rank
as a Jedi Knight was one thing, but to lose my dear sweet
Obi-Wan? Death couldn't come quickly enough to me if that were
to ever happen.
My eyes closed again, without my will this time, thoughts and
memories flooding the darkness that swam behind my eyelids.
"Don't speak."
Yes, don't speak my beautiful one...don't ruin it.
"Master...?"
Oh that voice. So throaty and sexual without meaning to be.
Those cultured, rounded tones of his speech nearly bring me to
my knees in the most innocuous of situations. His voice is a
silky purr. Obi-Wan, my pet, my sex kitten. Ah, by the Force,
I'd love to feel your tongue with mine as you spoke and shaped
that one word, that title you seem to speak so reverently, no
matter what the situation. If only I could.
It'd all started out a perfectly normal day, and now this
shame. It was almost unbearable. This was why! That's why I
always held myself back! I berated myself. I should have had
more control over myself, then I wouldn't have had to
exert control over him. Alas, the beautiful night I'd
fantasized about for months looked as if it was never to be. I
don't know why I lost control. I don't know how it was
possible, but it happened. Thank the Force I didn't do any
physical harm...Thank the Force I was finally able to seize my
body back and flee from the room. Ah, but when he had thrashed
that night, he had been looking at me with such unabashed
longing...
Back in the garden.
I had risen suddenly to my feet before I knew what I had done.
I blinked several times, disoriented. Sith Hells, I had a
throbbing hardness in my pants where just seconds ago my organ
lay placid. Obi-Wan, what you do to me! I was going to have to
get out of the gardens. I was going to have to go somewhere
private. Should I finally return to my quarters and do the deed
that I knew must be done? Yes, perhaps it was time. No more
delay, no more stalling.
There I stood, just as I had that night. In the earlier time, I
had come here very quietly, sneaking in and standing at the
threshold to Obi-Wan's room. My Padawan had been asleep where
he lay in his bed against the wall. There had been a small
sliver of dim light from the open door at which I stood, and it
cascaded over his body beautifully in such a way that I could
see the contours of his body through that thin sheet. Oh
delectable, he had been!
He had no top on, which wasn't completely unusual, although it
was winter and the chill had seen my Obi-Wan wearing a warm
pullover at night. He was sprawled out wantonly; the arm
closest to me lay curled above his head on the pillow.
Beautiful, was the hair under his arm, exposed to my hungry
eyes. How I wanted to touch that spot, to rub my face in it. To
inhale the masculine scent of my Padawan like I'd never done
before. To slowly snake out my tongue and lick the ticklish
spot until he was begging for me to stop. A smile curved my
lips as I continued to simply watch him. His other arm was
draped over his stomach, which unfortunately, was covered by
the sheet. Alas, not all wishes come true, Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan's fingers twitched, giving a spasm every so often. I
knew he was in a particularly deep sleep. That set something
off in me. The predator, indeed. There he was--vulnerability in
its purest form. But, it had only been mere seconds ago that I
had felt a fatherly protection towards him.
I had, before that night, acknowledged my lust for my Padawan,
and had only begun to contemplate the possibility that it be
more than mere lust, but even now, I cannot be sure if it be
more, or simply so.
That night, however, for one reason or another, my urges got
the best of me, and now...
...And now, I was going to right those wrongs.
"Padawan."
My voice was colder than I'd meant it to be. I hadn't called
him by name since this morning when it had happened.
He looked up at me from the datapad he'd been pretending to
read. I expected to see darkness in that gaze, but there was
none. Surely it was there, if he was propositioning me with
something so blatantly wrong. There had to be a seed of
darkness blossoming within those...beautifully expressive eyes.
But all that was there, was the usual shimmering light.
Somewhere inside I was grateful that the light was still in his
eyes, even if he was falling. At least I would never have to
see the darkness mar his fair countenance should I fail. Or was
it merely growing, and not yet reaching his eyes?
This thing that I was about to do, it would be another
violation of trust, but I had to stop the darkness, if there
was any. Perhaps I was being a foolish old man, far too
paranoid about the trustworthiness of Apprentices. Either way,
what Obi-Wan wanted wasn't going to happen. I was going to end
this. Right now.
Part 3
(Obi-Wan)
Qui-Gon's silence set my heart rate rocketing. Oh
Sith...something was very very wrong here. I couldn't keep the
blinking of my eyes down from the startled rapidity at which
they were moving. I nearly dropped the datapad from my lap as I
sat on the edge of my bed. I swallowed, forced some words out.
"Master...I..."
Don't cry Obi-Wan! I mentally bashed myself the instant I felt
the constriction in my throat. Don't cry, it'll make you look
weak in the face of this man who has never done anything but
teach you to be strong and to overcome your insecurities. At
least give him your learned best...for his sake. For if you
look closer...
Obi-Wan, look what you've done. You've borne anguish into your
Master's usually so-well-guarded expression!
My posture sunk, I wanted to turn away from him, curl up and
hide in the blankets of my bed forever.
And you thought it had been a good idea, Obi-Wan! You thought
that it would bring you all your desires on a silver platter,
that you would have your cake, and damn well eat it too!
Stupid, Obi-Wan, so very stupid.
I had tried to approach him the night, but he was gone.
I stood there in the doorway of his room; nothing was out of
place, nothing that told me he was gone forever. Which of
course, being as insecure as I am, had been the first thought
to enter my mind, as irrational as it was.
Change your pattern of thinking, they always told me. How? How
is that possible when things occur that keep slapping you back
where you know you belong?
I had cried that night. I went to his bed, lay down in it,
basked in the feel of his comforter against my bare skin. I
slept on my stomach, underneath that comforter, buried in the
scent of my Master.
When I woke up, it was to a very disconcerted-looking Qui-Gon
standing over me. At first I didn't know where I was or what
had happened, merely smiled warmly, rubbing at my sleep-filled
eyes. That seemed to lighten his expression, but only a
minuscule.
"Obi-Wan, please go to your room and get ready. You're late for
your first morning's class, you slept in." He stepped back as
if to allow me room to exit.
The flat monotone of his voice snapped me back into reality. It
was then that I saw the lines under his eyes and instantly knew
that he had not slept at all that night. Why had he fled? He
hated me, didn't he? No no, don't jump ahead of yourself,
Obi-Wan.
I sat up, pushing the comforter back.
There was a loud gasp from Qui-Gon, which caused me to start
and look over at him. He was standing over me again in a flash,
yanking the comforter lose from where it was tucked under the
mattress and wrapping it around me.
"Take that with you."
I stared at him for some while, bewildered. There was a sinking
feeling in my stomach.
"Go." His eyes widened to look at me with serious intensity. It
was a direct order, which he rarely resorted to. It was usually
more of a kind asking.
I lowered my eyes, dropped my chin nearly to my chest, and
practically crawled out of the room with my proverbial
tail-between-my-legs.
What was I going to do? Perhaps he did hate me...
The next few days saw nothing to remedy my self-indulgent
thinking. I couldn't seem to do anything right and there were
very few words between us. It all fueled the fear that led me
to the desperate act. Three days had passed since the night of
my dreams had passed.
I tried to bring it up subtly at first. It was early morning, I
was serving Qui-Gon the breakfast I had prepared, and had
resolved myself to speak the moment I sat down. The moment
came, and I found myself simply staring at him nervously. I
picked up my utensil, fingers turning it over and over in their
grasp. Finally, my voice came, just as Qui-Gon took a healthy
bite of his food. I lowered my eyes to the table as I spoke.
"I had someone ask me where I got the bruise on my shoulder
yesterday after practice. We were... showering, and he said it
didn't look like a normal bruise, and wondered also, how it had
gotten in the location it resided." My eyes suddenly flicked to
his, challenging. "Course I didn't tell him that it wasn't a
bruise. But he hasn't been the only curious one..."
The look of surprise on Qui-Gon's face had been expected, but I
surprised myself with the tone I had finished that in. I
kept my eyes intent on his, couldn't break them away.
"I thought you would have healed it by now," his voice was
unusually soft.
I merely shook my head. "Master, I don't think I have to tell
you that...what you did was against the code."
He fairly winced at that. Oh, Master, I'm sorry...But its the
only way to make you see that I too care for you. It's the only
way you'll let me in. And then, when its over, you'll see,
you'll understand!
He didn't look like he was going to say anything. Okay,
Obi-Wan, you've gotten it this far, now what?
I was on the floor on my knees before him quite suddenly.
Staring up at him without a single emotion hidden, I hesitantly
lifted my hand, slowly and trembling, I placed it on his knee.
"I won't tell them if you won't," it came out as a breathy
whisper.
I then ran my hand up his thigh. He tensed under my touch and I
heard a faint groan escape his lips. His eyelids fluttered
momentarily. Yes...give in. Master...please...please... I know
he caught the meaning, I could see him warring with it in his
mind.
Meanwhile, I had gotten my hand up to its goal finally. I
pressed against his member through the fabric of his leggings,
gave a little squeeze, which caused a strange noise to pass my
lips without warning. Oh Force...This was going to work, wasn't
it?
That was when he surged up to his feet, knocking me backward
onto the floor. I couldn't read the expression on his face as I
struggled to pull myself up into a more dignified position. He
was staring at me with what could almost be called horror. Or
maybe disbelief. Or maybe both.
So...he didn't want me. I was so confused I could barely
think.
He sat down again, keeping a wary eye on me, and began to eat
his food very quickly. I averted my gaze and crawled back into
my chair, giving a half-hearted attempt at eating. No way I
could swallow anything. Was he going to say anything to me?
Give me any sort of direction, whether it be straight to
the Council or some other punishment? I was so hopelessly lost
in this silence.
I tried to swallow a piece of fruit, gagged and gave up. I
pushed my plate away, face flushing with shame.
"Go to your classes, Padawan, you're dismissed from the table."
I shivered, a sudden deep chill finding its way to my core. No,
this couldn't be happening. I've ruined everything. I didn't
say a word to Qui-Gon, simply rose from the table as instructed
to do, picking up my plate and glass as I did.
"Leave them. Just go."
I swallowed hard, sparing a glance up at him. He almost
looked...mad with his fury. Setting down the plate and glass
once again, I found a hasty exit from our quarters.
I didn't think I could go to my classes without bursting out in
tears in the middle of the lessons. So, I bypassed the training
hall. The tears were forming in my eyes, if I didn't find
someplace to hide that very minute, I was going to spill it in
front of whoever happened to be roaming the halls. I looked to
my right and quickly ducked into a storage closet.
It felt right, to be in here. I felt as if this was where I
belonged. I sat on a large box and brought my legs up to my
chest, burying my face against my knees as I began to weep.
If I had not have pursued anything I would have still had the
fond remembrances of that night. Now it was nothing but a tiny
drop of light in the bucket of dark woes. It was all
overshadowed by the gnawing fear that Qui-Gon was going to give
me up. Yes, yes, so he had a secret, but I would have never
never told the Council! I wouldn't have done anything to hurt
him or to set myself up to be in a position where I could lose
him. I felt so unbelievably lost.
It was hours later that I returned to our quarters, having
waited until the classes were over, just in case Qui-Gon was
still there. I slipped inside absolutely silent, no sign of
Qui-Gon, so I went to my room, and tried to read. It wasn't
long before he came home...
"Come here, Padawan," he said, after my feeble attempts at
speech.
I couldn't move, however.
"Obi-Wan."
That made me look away. I was suddenly aware that had been the
first time he'd said my name today.
He sounded disappointed now, "Obi-Wan, we can do this easily,
or you can make it difficult."
What? A look of confusion crossed my features as I looked at
him again, silent question on my face.
"I want you to open your mind to me, Obi-Wan. Completely." I
felt his entire stance soften as he tried to gain my trust. He
must have sensed my fear. "I need to see what damage I've
done."
"Master, you haven't...you--"
He interrupted me. "Don't argue with me, Padawan."
I hated when he called me that now. He only used it as
if to remind me of my place. To remind me of the power he held
over me. My jaw clenched and a wave of anger washed through me.
I quite suddenly sent the datapad hurtling through the air in
the opposite direction of Qui-Gon, although I had wanted to
throw it at him. It crashed into the wall, leaving a dull mark.
"No!" I was shouting. "You listen to me for once! I'm
tired of never getting a word in! Master, I'm not a
child anymore!!" I took several heaving breaths, struggling to
calm myself.
Qui-Gon looked stunned, as if suddenly shoved into the bright
light of a stage from the dark wings aside.
When I spoke again, I was much calmer, but the edge was still
there. I spoke between deep breaths as my anger calmed.
"You...always...leave...before I can even begin to tell you
what I'm feeling."
Oh tears. Now I couldn't stop them.
"The only way... that I am going to come to you, is if you
promise to love me." I was shaking my head adamantly. My voice
had thickened with the tears and it was getting harder to talk.
"Then, and only then, will I do absolutely anything you say. As
long as I always have that love. And I'm not talking about a
fatherly love, Qui-Gon! I want you to kiss me...I want you to
t-touch me. Why can't we have that? You think I make
things difficult! Why do you have to make it so
difficult for me when all I want is to love you and be loved by
you? I can't bear it any longer!"
I was trembling then, barely able to choke out the last words.
"I can't stand to be around you if I know you don't feel the
same. You confuse me...I...just..." I didn't finish,
didnâ?(tm)t try.
Force, I hadn't had this kind of emotional break down for as
long as I could remember. I slipped from the bed and sunk down
to the floor in a huddled mass, weeping without shame. I
couldn't speak anymore, it hurt too much both physically and
emotionally.
Part 4
(Qui-Gon)
Oh no. No, no. This wasn't what I had intended. I looked down
at the mass of robes that was my Padawan on the floor. Weeping.
He was weeping!
I was on the floor kneeling beside him in an instant.
"I knew it. I knew that I'd damaged you, Obi-Wan. Sith hells,
come here. We're going to the Council. I don't care what they
do to me, we have to fix you. Please." My voice was frantic,
and I wasn't truly very coherent. All I knew was the fear that
I had hurt Obi-Wan's psyche irreparably.
"Damnit, Qui-Gon! You're still not hearing me!"
I reeled back as I felt the sting of a slap on my face.
That grounded me.
Blinking my eyes I forced myself to calm and I looked at him.
What was he saying? Qui-Gon, you fool, you hear him, but you
don't listen. I sighed. Who ever said Jedi Masters weren't
flawed?
"...Thank you, Obi-Wan, I needed that."
He must have found something humorous in my monotone, for he
gave a little snort of laughter, just barely there. It was
bitter sounding, however, sweet as the break in intensity was.
Ah, Obi-Wanâ?¦My Padawan is so extraordinary. And
I've been failing him miserably. I produced a wan smile for him
and gently reached over to stroke back his damp-with-sweat
hair. He let out a sigh, and I suddenly felt such longing from
him, emanating from him.
"Obi-Wan, I must apologize for my behavior. It was out of fear
for the probable wrongfulness of these feelings, which yet felt
so very right. That which I didn't think I could live without."
I paused, studying the minute transformations taking place on
Obi-Wan's face. It was excruciating to watch. He was simply so
beautiful, beyond anything I could ever dream into
existenceâ?¦and yet, I had treated this beauty
with such neglect. I had to find a way to remedy this.
"Allow me make it up to you?" I asked softly.
His expression was unchanging for a long moment, and I thought
perhaps he couldn't forgive me. But, no, I should have known
better. I quite suddenly found myself with an armful of
Padawan. He was placing feather-light kisses all over my face.
Such sweet rain! I allowed our combined weight to pull us down
backwards onto the floor.
He opened himself to me. It was breathtaking. Elation washed
over me and I felt the beginnings of tears form in my eyes.
Releasing the pent up emotions that I'd held so long, so tight,
I reciprocated, opened myself to my beloved--showed him just
exactly how beloved he was.
I heard him sniffle and then he shifted, straddled my hips. He
stretched out on me, rubbing our groins together, and I moaned
long and low. He tilted his head, lips went to my ear, and he
was nibbling, licking. I gasped. Oh, dear Force, this was
bliss.
Then, he whispered to me.
"Let me taste you; let me pleasure you first. I want to prove
to you, so that there can never be any doubt that what I
feel for you is me, my feelings alone, flowered from my own
thoughts and yearnings, not rubbed off on me. Give me some
credit, Qui-Gon." His tone was lightly reproving, but entirely
endearing and highly arousing.
Who could refuse that? My name whispered in such a husky tone
and this warm writhing weight atop me. I shivered with it. No
longer Master and Padawan, no, but two men. Two lovers. Two
hearts. One goal.
And then there was the exquisite moisture tunneling into my
ear.
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