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Website: http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/
Summary:Qui Gon's thoughts about Obi-Wan while he and Anakin
are on their way to Dantooine.
Sequel to: Hope to those who have not (Pt. 6\?)
Rating: G
Disclaimer: George Lucas is god and owns this characters. But
when he is not looking we borrow them for a while. :)
Seriously, I'm not making any money out of this. Really.
Content: Q\O
Warning: This has m/m slash. If you're not into this, don't
read it. O.k.? Flames will be used to feed the plot-bunnies.
Spoilers: Very few for the movie, a couple for JA 2. It's an
AU, and it doesn't follow Canon.
I do not know if I should be angry at myself for not doing this
before or worried because I am doing it now.
Part of me is still saying I should be on Naboo, waiting for
the Council's decision. They have never turned their backs to
someone in need, or to an unfairness done in the Republic.
But it's a very small part of me.
The other part is too busy wondering why I had to wait until a
nine year old boy pointed me in the right direction.
Wondering why I chose to hear Obi-Wan's last words to me as a
rejection of my feelings.
'I must no longer be your concern' does not mean 'I don't share
your feelings, master.' Not in my padawan's words at least.
He always was very forward in his dealings with me, never
hiding his reproach if he felt that I was wrong.
With the exception of his decision to stay on Tatooine, true.
But I still wonder... was that because I was so blinded by
Anakin's potential that I never noticed what was around me? Or
because of my own hidden feelings?
Hidden from me at least - apparently everyone else had seen
them from the beginning.
That was why after that last message from Obi-Wan's mind, I
buried myself in meditation, trying to regain my center...
another way of 'hiding my head in the sand' as Shmi Skywalker
so bluntly stated. It was Anakin's message what made me see it
was time to stop.
Even if it opened old wounds.
'I'm going to save Obi-Wan because he saved my mom.' the
holographic image of Ani had said, 'If you can't come because
the Council says so... then why should anyone want to become
your Padawan?'
Yes, that hurt more than Ani could know, because the child
cannot know that all his hopes and enthusiasm about being
trained as a Jedi do not compare to Obi-Wan's own determination
when he was 12 years old...
When I refused him for the first time.
The memory of my young Padawan standing next to the door with
Xanatos' symbol, his eyes clear, his mind set on dying in order
to save Bandomeer, in order to save me stirs my mind. He
was set on dying then and there, as a Jedi, trying to save
people instead of awaiting his death without doing anything. It
was he who found out how to stop the bombs Xanatos had set on
the planet, and how to help me to find the strength to bury the
past. It wasn't the only time he saved me... he always seemed
ready to put his life in the line of fire, as long as mine was
safe...
Why I didn't think of this before?
"We might be going right into a trap, Ani." He turns to see me,
surprise and shock filling his eyes.
"No way! 3PO would never betray me!" Such belief in his friends
only fuels the fire of his conviction. I'm still sure that he
would make a fine Jedi... but he is also too passionate at his
young age. Perhaps he will become a better pilot, a true
fighter.
"I never said that, Ani. I just believe that the man who has
captured Obi-Wan might expect a rescue party. We must be
ready."
"There are no weapons on this ship..." Anakin's voice sounds
almost apologetic. But I understand his desire to take off
immediately. If I had not been busy burying myself in
self-pity, I would have done the same.
I nod, and take out something that I have been carrying with me
since Tatooine. As soon as he sees it, his eyes grow with
wonder.
It is Obi-Wan's lightsaber. One of many things he left behind,
but the only one I could keep with me. "I cannot train you as a
Jedi, Anakin. But I won't let you go into battle without some
sort of defense. I am sure that Obi-Wan would be honored if you
carried his lightsaber during this mission."
We're still days away from Dantoine. It will not be enough time
to show Anakin more than the basic moves with the lightsaber.
But I cannot risk the boy's life as I go to save Obi-Wan. Not
when he was the one who finally helped me to come this far.
So I smile at him, as he races to the cargo bay to start
practicing, and then I follow. My thoughts travel to Obi-Wan,
and his resignation when he realized that I would not accept
him as a Padawan, his silent joy when I finally gave in and
listened to my heart instead of listening to my past mistakes.
But the truth is that I was not the teacher in the most
important part of our lives.
I might have taught Obi-Wan the Jedi principles, how to be
mindful of the living Force, and how to act always according to
the Code. But he taught me to break the self-imposed walls
around my heart. That's the only lesson that really matters.
Dantooine is just a day away, but my heart is heavy with
sorrow. I am not worried about Anakin; he is a good learner,
and if things get bad, he will be able to defend himself.
It is Obi-Wan's safety and health the that concern me.
Every night after my Padawan cut our bond, when I realized the
truth of my feelings, I wasted time meditating about the past,
trying to regain my calm with memories of happier times. But
when I realized what reasons Obi-Wan could have had for cutting
the bond the way he did, I redirected all my efforts into
rebuilding it.
Such an attempt, with so much distance between us, normally
would be impossible.
But I always have believed that our bond is special. It was
created almost by itself, when I was shielding myself tightly
against Obi-Wan, against everyone.
Then, it was he who reached for me, even if he didn't know it
at the time. Now, it's my turn to reach for his mind, to find
him and give him what little support I can lend without being
physically at his side. For the last three days, I sensed
nothing. My mind stretched as far as I could send it, but if
Obi-Wan was near, he was blocking himself from me.
But today it was different. Although it was only for a moment,
I could feel Obi-Wan's presence through the broken bond... A
split second that showed me more than I would have wanted to
see...
It was an overwhelming sense of loss, betrayal, and despair.
Just as I tried to make a more permanent contact, to reach
Obi-Wan with my own feelings, make him know that we were coming
to his rescue, I was blocked by a wave of rage and hate.
The Dark Side.
It is closing near my beloved Padawan, keeping me away from
him.
I can't allow that to happen.
Long ago, before I accepted Obi-Wan as my Padawan, I promised
myself that I would not lose him to the Dark Side. In those
days, it was out of shame from my failure with Xanatos. Now, it
is because of my love for Obi-Wan.
I will not lose him.
I will not surrender my heart to the Dark Side.
Obi Wan's interlude.
I don't know if I can keep fighting.
I don't know if I want to resist.
I am waiting for my new owner to arrive, with only the company
of one of the mute droids of the bounty hunter who bought me on
Tatooine. I still do not know what is to be my final destiny,
but have a small hope that it won't be worse than this.
I'm surprised that I'm still capable of hope, now that
practically all else has been stripped from me.
Was it so long ago that I was at my Master's side, fighting for
peace, and sure that the light would always triumph? It seems
so. I can't remember how it feels to be at his side...
I love my Master. One day I woke up and I knew it was true...
But I never acted on it, never told him what I felt. I was
confident that even if he did not reciprocate my love, he would
allow me to stay at his side. I wanted to trust him... I wanted
to believe that he would find me after freeing Naboo...
Not anymore.
It is not only that I cut our link. It is not only that I do
not want him to be prey to the same evil that has caught me...
It is the certainty that he is not looking for me anymore...
Because if he was looking for me, I wouldn't have been able to
cut our bond that easily.
The doubts are not mine, or so I try to tell myself. They have
been planted in my heart by the bounty hunter's words as he
tortures me... as he touches me...
I shudder with shame every time my thoughts travel in that
direction. When he saw that electro-shocks weren't enough to
make me break... he devised other ways to break me.
I am no longer whole.
And while he raped my body, his words seeded my mind.
I was not strong enough to defend myself.
Tears of shame, of fear, of despair run down my face.
Then the door of my cage opens; I see my new owner's face for
the first time and the fear grows in my heart so fast that I
cannot stop it. I have seen his face before, and he is
surrounded by nothing but rage and hate.
His red and black marked face smiles evilly at me as he
inspects my naked body, to see the scars that the slavery has
caused. His yellow eyes show me that they will be my last
concern from now on, that he will make new ones.
But that is not what sickens me the most. That is not what
makes the tears continue.
What shames me is that his touch makes me shudder.
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