Archive: My site and the m_a archive. Anyone else, just ask. I
won't say no.
Category: I'm not at all sure, but it's an AU, h/c, angst, and
POV. Yeah, I think that's all.
Rating: PG-13
Warning: I'm sure I'm not following Canon somewhere. After all,
I'm not all that familiar with anything in this universe
besides the movies, the comic adaptation and what I have been
reading here.
Spoilers: Some for TPM. This is an AU so it doesn't really
matters.
Summary: After the battle, Obi-Wan reflects on his survival and
his feelings.
Disclaimer: Everything here belongs to George Lucas, who is
god. And I'm not making any money out of this... so it would
really be pointless to sue me for it.
Content: Q/O.
Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and if anyone would have
time to detailed feedback, I would really appreciate it.
Notes: // means telepathy.
Dedicated to: Gaby and Romie, my usual betas, whose RL has been
really crazy this last months.
Special Thanks to: Catnip, who was kind enough to make an
emergency beta of this. I did not listen to all her
suggestions, so all the mistakes are mine.
Coruscant's skies are tinted red with the dying sunlight.
I never thought I would see it again. I thought that I would
die before I could see the night sky in the planet where I had
lived most of my life... Or that I would be so corrupted that I
could never see its beauty without feeling hate.
I never thought I would have this chance again, to see the
skies around the tower of the Temple, to at least feel part of
myself at home. Almost safe.
Sometimes... Sometimes I believe that this is a dream. That I
will wake up soon and find that I am still in Palpataine's
power, still Maul's toy. On those days, I am afraid of going to
sleep, I am afraid of closing my eyes.
I am afraid.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.
I still don't believe I will ever be completely free of fear,
of anger... of hate. I don't believe I will ever be free of the
Dark Lords' taint. Master Yoda knows, Master Windu knows...
Sith! Everyone knows, and I know that almost all the Jedi on
the Temple are waiting for me to fall again, to disappear
completely from sight. But for myself, and for those who
sacrificed so much to save me, I will not. I have to find the
strength to accept the fear, understand what I feel and let it
go.
Watching the sky, I think back of the day when I saw my Master
again, my beloved Qui Gon.
I had lost all hopes of seeing him once more, long before I
realized that I was back on Coruscant. In Fett's hands... in
Maul's hands... I lost my will to go on, so I didn't care. But
Maul was a Sith, and when I discovered that his Master, Darth
Sidious, was living leisurely at Coruscant as Chancellor
Palpatine, Senator of Naboo... So near to the Temple... I knew
I had to survive long enough to warn someone. Anyone.
But even that purpose didn't give me enough strength to rebel
against what Maul did to me... I was his toy, his pet project,
his revenge. Every day he made sure that I remember why I was
with him and not at the Temple, that my Master had forsaken me,
that he never thought me worthy enough of being his disciple.
And even when I despised him every moment I spent in his
company, I still grieve his death.
I do not understand that myself, probably, I never will. But
Maul became part of my life. And sometimes, on very rare
occasions... he was kind to me. Despite all his hate, despite
all his tortures, Maul made me feel wanted. After so long of
being convinced that no one loved me, that no one cared for
me... he walked past my shields.
I murdered him, when in a very hidden, very dark part of my
heart, I was beginning to love him.
How can I ever be rid of this taint?
As far as I can tell, Sidious never expected the attack. He was
too sure of his position, too sure of his powers. He never
expected that a Jedi Master would try to attack him with no
more support than a man and a child.
I was in the lower levels of his palace when it all happened.
Unarmed, almost naked, beaten and weak. But none of that
mattered when I saw my Master dueling Maul.
A vision of fear filled me then. I was not caged, and for that
I will always thank the Force. I was weakened, but that did not
lessen my resolve. I knew that the only reason the Sith Lords
had to buy me was for the possibility of capturing my Master,
and that if I didn't do something to help Qui-Gon, they would
triumph in their plans.
But without a weapon, I was useless.
A beeping sound caught my attention, and I saw the little R2
unit that had saved our lives on Naboo, a lifetime ago.
Something flashed inside it, and suddenly, I saw my lightsaber
flying towards me. Later, I found that it had been Anakin's
idea, since the boy knew I would need a means of defense, and
being a Jedi, I would not use a blaster... In that moment, the
only thing I could think about was that my Master needed me,
needed my help, even if I was no longer worthy of calling
myself his Padawan.
Maul was shocked when he saw me joining the fight, and his
shock cost him dearly. Even when he had the advantage of
knowing the place, of knowing my Master style and my weakened
state, it was that split moment of distraction what gave us the
advantage. That... and something I hadn't seen or felt in a
long time - a light in my Master's eyes that I had thought I
would never feel again.
Hope.
My Love, my Soul.
I killed Maul, just as I had killed my master in the endless
nightmares I had suffered ever since returning to Coruscant. I
beheaded him after he fell to the floor. But I did not felt
better, or free, or relieved with his death.
I felt nothing. An emptiness that I fear can fill my hearth if
I let it.
And then I fainted.
I didn't come to my senses until two days later, under the
Temple healers' care. I was sure I had died, that everything
was just a dream. Then I saw him... Qui Gon, my Master, asleep
on a chair at my side. Our bond was still broken, but even so
just by being near to him, I could almost believe that
everything was over, that my wounds would heal.
That the darkness would be purged.
But I know that is just wishful thinking. He doesn't know how I
feel about him, and even if he knew, he would never return my
love. If he rescued me, it was just because I am his Padawan,
and he feels responsible for my safety. And now that I am back
at the temple, his responsibility is over. I won't be a burden
anymore.
While I was recovering, I was allowed to have visitors. Anakin
was one of the first to appear, and I learned how the Council
had refused to train him. The irony was not lost to me. I chose
my path so my Master could bring the young boy and his mother
to Coruscant, so the boy could be a Jedi... and that was not to
be. Still, I am glad. Anakin will go to Naboo, he will become a
pilot and protect the Queen who is now his friend.
When the healers allowed me to walk by myself, and return to my
quarters, things had changed greatly. I was questioned once and
again by the Council, who seemed intent on knowing everything
that happened to me since I left my Master's side. Why had I
sold myself in exchange for Shmi Skywalker, what had I thought,
what did I do... What had they done to me...
I couldn't tell them everything... I tried to regain what
little calm I still had, remember my life long training, and
stay as detached from the events as I could. But even when I
did tell them about the abuse my body sustained, I did not
reveal the grim thoughts that raced through my mind. I did not
address the doubts that had plagued me.
I did not mention the darkness that now lives in my heart.
I know I did not fool them, they wanted to question me further.
But my Master's intervention stopped it. He was adamant that I
would not be tortured further for those who caused the delays
of my rescue, yelled at them that if there was indeed any
darkness in my soul it was because of the betrayal of the
Council.
His words still echo in my mind: I was shocked to hear him, the
most proper of Jedi Masters, addressing the Council with anger.
Later, I was a witness for Queen Amidala, who presented to the
Senate the evidence of Palpataine's betrayal. Even when he
escaped, a death sentence was issued on his head. He will be
killed on sight, no matter where in the Republic he hides. I
know it won't be that easy. The Sith Lord is more powerful than
what we thought. It might be even possible that nothing we do
can stop him.
And I think... maybe that is not bad. Darkness is necessary for
us to see the Light.
I hear my Master's steps approaching me.
The only thing that has not changed is this. I am still his
Padawan, he is my Master again. Even when I severed our bond,
even when he knows there is darkness inside me, he still wants
me as his apprentice.
"Padawan..." His voice, which I had only heard in my dreams for
the longest time, is filled with worry.
"Yes, Master?"
"We need to talk. I've been meditating about many things since
I failed to see your plan on Tatooine." That surprises me. I
knew that he was unaware of my intentions when I went to see
the Pod Race, but I never imagined that he would think about
that. I always assumed he had more pressing business at hand
than to worry about me. "After I realized that you were gone...
I almost died. I refused to eat, I refused to talk... Once our
mission to see the safety of Queen Amidala was over, once that
I was alone... I almost let myself die... Because you were not
at my side, Obi-Wan."
"Master?" It is not the first time he says my name, but it is
the first time that I hear him say it like this. Soft... almost
longing. It is a caress, an apology... and a declaration that I
never thought I would hear.
"I am sorry it took this for me to realize the truth about my
feeligns, my Padawan. I only hope you can forgive me for my
blindness. It cost you too much."
My mouth is frozen, because I cannot believe I am hearing
things right. Because he doesn't know! And I didn't realized
either... Suddenly all my suffering, all my fear is dwarfed by
this knowledge. Even when my Master doesn't know I love him...
He loves me.
But I cannot tell him that. I cannot admit my own feelings. I
cannot risk telling him and knowing I was wrong, that it is all
in my mind.
My mind. Now I feel myself missing the bond that we had - the
bond that I cut to keep him safe. The bright but stern presence
that was part of me since I was thirteen years old. The warmth
that was there for me, even in my worst times. The concern that
he always showed for me, even before he accepted me as his
Padawan. The spark of life, of experience that envelops my
whole being, when he is with me.
I miss that. I was a fool to destroy it, even when it was the
only path I could take. My heart aches for him, and suddenly
the memory of that feeling overwhelms me, envelops my mind, and
I can feel that warmth again. It is not the echo of those days
long past. Its a feeling more intense, a light a thousand times
more bright.
I open my eyes, when I had not realized that I had closed them.
He is looking at me with a smile in his face, nodding.
//Yes, my Padawan... we're together again//
He is crying as he holds me, but my eyes are dry. I cannot find
tears, even when my heart is breaking from joy. Can this be
true? Can this be real?
And in his embrace, my fear melts and disappears. I cannot be
afraid as he holds me, as my soul finally finds it's true place
in the universe.
"Master..." I begin, and he shakes his head. I hesitate, but I
finally realize what he is trying to tell me. "...Qui-Gon..."
"Yes, Obi-Wan?" And his eyes shine, and I know it is not a
dream, he is here, I am here. The night is finally over.
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