Warnings: Uh first try at anything vaguely resembling slash. So
you are warned. Also not betaed so all mistakes are mine.
Spoilers: For TPM and ANH I guess. *shrug*
Series: Nope
Summery: Ben looks back and remembers his Master. I guess.
Whatever.
Feedback: Okay, sure, if you really want to.
Kethry3@hotmail.com Just please be nice. First try, not really
sure how well this is going to go.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to George Lucas and the song
"Holding out for you" belongs to SHeDAISY. I made no money off
of this. This is only to get the plot bunnies that kept me
awake all night to go away.
Notes: Everything in // // is the lyrics to the song. I was
listening to my CD last night and I thought that this was a
perfect song for Ben.
//Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie//
Ben Kenobi looked out of the window of the little hut. The
barren landscape of Tatooine was all he could see. When he was
younger he could never have guessed that he would be here. That
he would be waiting on this desert planet watching over a boy
that could be his redemption. He had been Ben for so long he
was starting to forget what it was like to be Obi-Wan. He
didn't feel like the young man that he once was. He wondered if
he was really ever that young Padawan. Sometimes it felt like a
dream. A dream that turned into a nightmare.
//The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye//
He had the best of lives. Friends, family in the other Jedi,
and a Master who cared for him. He always knew that one day he
would take the trials and be a Knight and then he could tell
his Master all the love that he had in his heart. The love that
he kept silent for fear of driving his love away. But that
fateful day on Naboo changed all of that. He watched his
Master, his love, killed and there was nothing he could do. He
avenged his Master but as he held his Master as he breathed his
last few breaths his Master spoke of the boy. The Chosen One.
He knew that it was wrong to be jealous of the boy but a small
part of him wished that the last words spoken were words of
love. Obi-Wan had held his Master's body and pressed his lips
to the rapidly cooling ones but it was too late. His love would
never know how he felt.
//I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day//
As much as resented Qui-Gon for speaking of the boy, he
resented himself even more. The words of love that he had held
back, the ones he choked on as his Master died. They finally
passed his lips but too late. Qui-Gon had already passed on to
become one with the Force. Maybe, Force willing, someday he
would get the chance to tell Qui-Gon about the love that he
held in his heart.
//I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before//
Even after all of these years he still looked up with hope in
his heart when the wind battered against his door. Hoping that
it was Qui-Gon returning to him. He knew that it was a fantasy,
but it was a fantasy that kept him sane. He could still feel
Qui-Gon in the Force. Surely that would not be possible if he
was truly dead. He knew that he was deluding himself. But he
could feel it when the Force brushed his mind. It was just like
when his Master was alive and was heading to his room, he could
feel it in the ripples of the Force.
//Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you//
The persona of the crazy old hermit had served him will through
the years. Few people came to his door, and the few who did
come didn't stay long. They all said the same thing about him.
That he was insane, looking at things that weren't there,
talking to people who didn't exist. How could he tell them that
he was looking and talking to the specters of his friend? The
Jedi that he had been raised with, they all came to him. All
but one. He had never seen Qui-Gon, but he held out hope that
one day his love would come to him.
//I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel your breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts//
But in the dark he could feel lips against his. Lips that he
had only tasted once. But this time they were warm and they
moved against his. He could feel the callused hands caressing
his skin. Hands that had only been in those places in his
dreams. He could feel his hair ruffle in response to the
breathing of the ghost that visited him every night. But once
the sun rose he was once again alone. With only the memory of
those nightly visitations to kept him warm. Despite the heat of
the two suns in the sky he could never seem to be warm.
//I see you coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most//
Ben walked over to the chest that was shoved against the wall.
He opened it and pulled everything out. He pulled out the floor
of the chest and revealed a hidden compartment. In it lay a
brown cloak. He pulled it out and brought it to his face. It
still smelled like him. It was the one his Master had been
wearing on the day he was killed. Ben had never been able to
bring himself to get rid of it, but he had also not been able
to wear it himself. He needed one thing that would never be
washed, something that would always carry Qui-Gon's scent.
//I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said//
Ben smiled sadly. He knew how disappointed Qui-Gon would be in
him. He knew that his Master would have told him that it was
long past time for him to move on. To find someone else to
love, someone who would hold him at night. Qui-Gon would have
told him, and had told him, that a Jedi was never really gone.
That as long as there was the Force the Jedi would still live,
but Ben had such a hard time believing it some days.
//I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you//
//Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel//
He carried the cloak over to his bed. He picked up a small holo
that he had never gone anywhere without. It held a picture of
Qui-Gon's name on the Wall. The Wall once stood in the Temple
on Coruscant. It held the names of all of the Jedi that had
been killed on missions. Every night he would stare at it and
trace the letters. For some strange reason it made him feel
closer to Qui-Gon.
//I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before//
//I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you//
Ben pulled the cloak around him and breathed in the scent of
his Master. The Force was telling him that is time on this
plane was almost over. That soon he would be one with the
Force. He would see his friends again, never to be alone. He
would go to Qui-Gon and pour out his heart. He would tell his
love all of the things he should have said so many years ago
and maybe, just maybe Qui-Gon would return those feelings. He
laid down and just on the edge of falling asleep he felt a hand
caress his cheek. Had anyone asked him he would have said that
he heard the voice of his Master. The words that were spoken "I
love you, my Padawan. I always have."
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