Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon go for a walk in the forest, and
something gets eaten.
Series: Once Upon A Time, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away
Notes: This is the fifth in the series.
Feedback: Well, sure. Otherwise, I'd just sit around and read
this to myself.
Disclaimer: I didn't do it. And even if I did, I didn't make a
dime.
Once upon a time there was a lovely young padawan named Obi-Wan
Kenobi. He was so attractive that the other padawans and
knights at the Temple often called him Handsome, as in "Hey,
Handsome, why don't you come over here and show me how to work
my light saber." Obi-Wan was apprenticed to the serene and
powerful Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon was a fine, virile
figure of a man, even though his impressive mane of hair and
beard were turning gray. In fact, his hair and whiskers were so
shot through with silver that the other padawans and knights at
the Temple often called him Grizzled.
Although certainly never to his face.
One day, Qui-Gon was preparing to take Obi-Wan out for survival
training in the northern Coruscant forests. He had instructed
Obi-Wan to pack whatever he thought was appropriate gear for a
week in the wilderness, and Qui-Gon would review his
selections. Some minutes later, Obi-Wan emerged from his room
with a small overnight bag.
"Is that all you plan to take?" Qui-Gon asked in surprise.
"I have everything we might need," Obi-Wan replied cheerfully.
"Toothbrushes, paste, and floss, assorted oils and lubricants,
silk scarves, and a hairbrush."
"This is all you think we need to survive a week in the
wilderness?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously.
"Oops, I forgot," Obi-Wan said, fishing a leather wallet from
the back pocket of his trousers and pulling out a small data
disc. "MasterCard." His voice dropped suggestively, and he
fluttered his eyelashes at Qui-Gon. "For mastering the
possiblities."
As Qui-Gon stood frowning disapprovingly at his apprentice, his
hands on his hips, Obi-Wan's lascivious expression faded, and a
small, worried crease appeared between his eyes. "What? Doesn't
the Coruscant Wilderness Resort take MasterCard?"
"We're not going to a resort, Padawan. We're spending a weekend
in the northern forests to hone your survival skills."
"Oh, Force," Obi-Wan groaned. "More training? When are
we going to go off somewhere together and just screw each
others' brains out?"
Qui-Gon gave his apprentice a long, considered look and smiled
slowly. "Impress me with your woodcraft and foraging skills
this week, and we shall see, Padawan."
Three days later...
"I'm about tired of this," Obi-Wan grumbled, shifting the heavy
pack on his aching shoulders.
"Very well," Qui-Gon said. "We'll go back."
Obi-Wan looked at him suspiciously. "That easy, huh?"
"Oh, I'm never easy, Padawan," Qui-Gon said in that low,
sensual way that drove Obi-Wan crazy...when he wasn't swatting
flutterbugs the size of speeders and nursing a half-dozen
blisters on his heels and toes. "But I am reasonable. If you
can guide us out of the forest and back to our vehicle, we will
leave and go to the Wilderness Resort for the rest of the
week."
"And that will be the end of this little survival excursion?"
Obi-Wans asked skeptically.
Qui-Gon nodded sagely. "That will be the end of it."
Obi-Wan whooped and turned. "This way then." And he started
back the way they had come. A half of an hour later, they
passed a bush with a red silk scarf tied around it. Obi-Wan
grinned cheekily at his master and continued on his way through
the trees and underbrush.
A quarter of an hour later, they came to a small sapling with a
blue silk scarf tied around it. Obi-Wan looked even more smug.
Qui-Gon raised an amused eyebrow at his apprentice. "I happen
to know that you couldn't possibly have enough scarves to mark
a path all the way back, Padawan." Obi-Wan just smiled.
A half-day and a dozen silk scarves later, Obi-Wan stopped
searching the trees and bushes and started walking with his
head bent, scanning the ground.
"Obi-Wan, what are you looking for?"
"I didn't start out with the scarves, you know."
"You didn't? What did you start out with?"
"Lube."
Qui-Gon stopped dead in his tracks. "Lube. You left a
lube trail? What if it had rained?" He glanced up at the
overcast sky.
Obi-Wan paused and peered up at his Master. "Well, it didn't,
did it? And I was really hoping to have the scarves for later."
Obi-Wan resumed his perusal of the ground and started walking
again.
Two hours later, Obi-Wan halted so abruptly that Qui-Gon ran
into him.
"What is it, Padaw-" Qui-Gon stopped in the middle of his
sentence and stared, frowning, at the solid rock face directly
in front of them. "Wait a minute. We didn't come this way."
"I know that," Obi-Wan said with irritation. He got down on his
knees and peered closely at the glimmering trail of slimey
stuff he had been following. Sitting back on his heels, he
exhaled explosively. "Damn."
"What is it?"
Obi-Wan glanced up at Qui-Gon, a slightly embarassed look on
his face. "I don't know how to tell you this, Master, but I
think I've been following the trail of a greater Coruscant
mollusk for the last hour and a half. There was a scuffed,
indistinct area at one point on the trail, but I was sure I had
picked up the gleam of a rather expensive Alderaanian massage
oil." He shrugged ruefully. "Apparently not."
Now, Qui-Gon Jinn was not a Jedi Master for nothing. If he was
irritated or disappointed with his apprentice, it did not show
on his face...although the fingers of his right hand briefly
twitched. After a lengthy moment of silence, he said patiently,
"A lesson learned, Obi-Wan. Let us retrace our path and try to
pick up your original trail."
As Obi-Wan adjusted his pack before rising from his knees, the
first raindrops began to fall.
The first few drops of rain were followed by a downpour, and it
soon became apparent that Obi-Wan would be unable to follow the
slime trail of the greater Coruscant mollusk back to his
original lube trail. He and Qui-Gon hunched against the driving
rain and began searching for shelter. Master and apprentice
walked for hours, Qui-Gon remaining ominously silent the entire
time, until they found a stone outcropping under which they
took cover for the night.
Obi-Wan desperately wanted to huddle up next to his master for
warmth, but sometime during the last couple of hours of
walking, Qui-Gon had managed to gain possesssion of the
hairbrush from Obi-Wan's pack, and the young man had no
intention of coming anywhere within arm's reach of his
dangerously quiet master. Qui-Gon used Force manipulation to
build a small fire, and the two Jedi eventually fell asleep,
one on either side of the flickering flames.
The next morning, Qui-Gon awoke, still damp and stiff from his
night on the ground. At the sound of his master stirring,
Obi-Wan sat up, yawned, and looked around blearily. A short
distance away, he spotted a small cottage, which they had
apparently overlooked in the downpour the night before. Obi-Wan
nimbly sprang to his feet and pointed.
"Master! There's a cottage over there!"
Qui-Gon paused in the middle of rolling his aching shoulders
and scowled at his apprentice. "Don't be ridiculous, Obi-Wan.
This is a protected wilderness area. No one is allowed to build
here."
"That may be, Master, but I'm telling you--there's a cottage
over there, and it apprears to be made of gingerbread and
icing."
Qui-Gon growled a warning. "I am not in the mood,
Padawan. I have your hairbrush, you know, and I'm not afraid to
use it."
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and huffed exasperatedly. "Just
look, Master. Can't you see it?"
Qui-Gon turned slowly, groaning and stretching his back out as
he did so. Despite his desire to properly instruct his
apprentice, he really hated survival training. His idea of
"roughing it" was slow room service and no cable. Qui-Gon
peered in the direction in which his apprentice was pointing.
To his surprise, there was a small cottage a short distance
from them, and it did appear to be made of gingerbread and
icing.
"Let's go check it out!" Obi-Wan said excitedly and set off at
a trot toward the house. Qui-Gon followed more slowly,
muttering quietly to himself, "I have a bad feeling about
this."
Obi-Wan reached the cottage first, broke off the corner of a
shutter, and took a bite. "Ummm--this is delicious."
Qui-Gon, aghast, strode up to his apprentice, smacked his hand,
and said, "Obi-Wan Kenobi! We are Jedi Knights. We do not go
around eating other people's houses!" Obi-Wan, mortified at his
Master's sharp rebuke, blushed and started to speak, when the
front door of the cottage flew open.
A small, wizened figure hobbled out and said, "Who at my house
is nibbling?"
Qui-Gon gasped in recognition. "Master Yoda! What are you doing
here?"
Yoda--for it was indeed he--leaned against his staff and looked
up at his former padawan. "On retreat I am." He turned to
Obi-Wan. "Padawan Kenobi. What in your hand hold you?"
Obi-Wan blushed more deeply. "Er, part of a shutter, Master
Yoda."
Yoda nodded sagely. "Indeed. Part of shutter it is--with a bite
missing. Jedi Knights we are, Padawan Kenobi. Strong in the
ways of the Force. Guardians of peace in the galaxy. Eat other
people's dwelling places we do not."
Qui-Gon leaned forward. "I already told him as much, Master
Yoda."
Yoda regarded him with asperity. "Heard that I did, Qui-Gon.
Important lesson it is. Repeating it bears."
Obi-Wan walked over and knelt at the Jedi Master's tiny feet.
"I beg pardon for my affront, Master Yoda. Please forgive me."
Yoda stretched out one thick-fingered hand and patted Obi-Wan's
bowed head. "Very prettily you beg, Obi-Wan." He glanced
meaningfully at Qui-Gon, who looked blankly back at him. Yoda
sighed. "Forgive you I do and to breakfast invite you."
As the three Jedi entered the small cottage, Qui-Gon cleared
his throat. "Master Yoda, if I may be so bold as to inguire.
How is it that you happen to be on retreat in a house made of
gingerbread and icing in a protected wilderness area?"
Yoda answered as he moved slowly toward the kitchen. "My hobby
it is to build gingerbread houses. Relaxes me it does. Doing it
I have been for nearly two centuries."
Qui-Gon continued, cautiously. "It's an...interesting
past-time, Master Yoda, but why build a full-size cottage out
of sweets? And why here?"
Sharply, Yoda snapped, "Size matters not." When that statment
surprised a giggle out of Obi-Wan, Yoda glared pointedly at
Qui-Gon, who didn't notice, having wandered over to examine a
window casement made out of licorice. Yoda sighed and shrugged
fatalistically. "A good idea it seemed at the time."
Obi-Wan asked curiously, "Why didn't the rain ruin it last
night?"
Yoda preened slightly before answering the question. "Protected
with a most ingenious Force umbrella, it is." Walking through
the door of the kitchen, he said, "Hungry I am. Obi-Wan, see if
hot the oven is."
Obi-Wan walked over to the giant oven. "But Master Yoda, there
are no dials or readouts on the front of the oven. How can I
tell if the oven is hot?"
Yoda stared at the young apprentice for a long moment, and then
looked over at Qui-Gon. "If this the result of your training
is, weep for the future I do." He shuffled over to Obi-Wan.
"The oven door oven, and your head stick inside, Padawan
Kenobi."
Obi-Wan looked suspiciously at the little gnome, but he did as
he was told. He opened the oven door and stuck his head inside,
which left his ass sticking out in a most fetching way. Yoda
cleared his throat and looked meaningfully at Qui-Gon, who
frowned and said, "What?"
Obi-Wan quickly withdrew his head and and turned to face the
two Jedi masters, his face flushed and dewey with a faint sheen
of perspiration. "I think the oven's pretty hot, Master Yoda."
"Not the only thing that is," muttered Yoda, hitting Qui-Gon,
who was absently inspecting a section of white chocolate
drywall, on the shin with his staff.
"Ouch! What was that for?" Qui-Gon asked plaintively, bending
over to rub his leg.
"See you not how tasty your padawan is?" demanded Yoda.
"Well, of course, I do," Qui-Gon replied, putting some distance
between himself and his former master.
"Then why all my double-intendres and sly winks do you
disregard?"
Qui-Gon sighed. "Oh, please, Master Yoda. If I jumped every
time someone made a suggestive remark about Obi-Wan, the
medtechs would have to put me on Prozac." He looked fondly over
at his apprentice, who had discovered a bowl of left-over icing
on the kitchen counter and was licking the creamy white
frosting off his fingers. Obi-Wan looked up at his Master, slid
a couple of damp fingers out of his mouth, and smiled in a way
that was both earnestly adoring and wildly provocative. Qui-Gon
smiled slowly back, and somewhere in the distance, a bird began
to sing sweetly.
The diminutive Jedi master glanced back and forth between
master and apprentice and rolled his eyes. "Guest room I have.
Down the hall, second door on the right."
Obi-Wan set the bowl back down on the counter and gave Qui-Gon
a challenging sidelong glance. "Race ya."
And they were off. Yoda watched them disappear through the
guest room door and sighed. "Have to bake a new bedroom
tomorrow I undoubtedly will."
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