Warnings: DO NOT read this while eating or drinking!
Spoilers: A rewrite of a scene from TPM
Summary: The *Real* Phantom Menace, as told through outtakes,
flub-ups, and Liam and Ewan's last-minute rewrites of their
scripts.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: This is a shameless parody of Phantom Menace. I can
only hope George has a healthy appreciation for insane comedy.
All that is Star Wars belongs to George, he is my hero and my
guru and without him the world would be a much Darker place. I
submit this rewrite of TPM into evidence as Exhibit 1. I intend
to make no profit from this bit of drivel. Stay your mighty
wrath, George. I'm just a crazy writer.
Fit the First
The desert of Tatooine, sandstone and sand and not a whole hell
of a lot more. In the distance the lights of Mos Espa shimmer
on the heat haze. Twilight is falling.
A black ship, a dagger shape with outriggered hyperdrive
nacelles on each side. A bumber sticker on the trailing edge of
one nacelle says, "How's my driving? 1-800-876-SITH" The ship
comes to a motionless hover then drops to the sand behind a big
outcrop of rock. The ramp in the round aft end of the ship
opens and a figure shrouded in black bounces down the ramp,
humming vaguely to the tune of Madonna's "Like a Virgin." Big
white floppy ears escape the black hood and spring up like
satellite dishes, twisting and swivelling. A long hairless tail
flips and curls behind.
DARTH MAUL moves to look out at Mos Espa, brings up a pair of
macrobinoculars and scans around the darkening horizon. After a
moment he seems to come to some sort of decision.
MAUL -- Narf!
He pushes a button on his digital watch and three flying shapes
zip out of the hold of his ship behind him and race to line up
in front of him expectantly. One is a black Magic 8 Ball. One
is a basketball. One is a giant golf ball. All three have black
rubberized antenna and a camera lens in one side.
MAUL -- Uuuhhhmm...Master says find the girl. Where would she
be? Where would she go?
The golf ball bobs in place, beeping frantically.
MAUL -- Uhm, oh yeah, right, we're supposed to find the Jedi
too. Wowee Zowee! Jedi! (begins spinning around, skipping and
clapping happily, and continues in a sing-song voice) I'm gonna
fight the Jedi! I'm gonna fight the Jedi!
The Magic 8 Ball bobs and makes a buzzing sound, obviously not
approving.
MAUL -- (stops and looks up at the three hovering spy droids)
Oh, yeah, right. Hehehe. Narf! Okay. You! (points to the golf
ball) Go to the mall! You! (points to the basketball) Go to the
ice cream shop! And you! (points to the Magic 8 Ball) Go to the
video arcade! No wait! You just go flying around looking for
the Jedi!
The three spy droids bob in place, beeping acknowledgment, and
zip off over the desert.
MAUL -- (watches the droids go, then tilts his head in a
listening pose for a moment attentively) Oh yeah, right! The
Force says I should go get a drink and read comic books! Yeah!
He skips back up into his ship, happily singing "I'm gonna
fight the Jedi!" in a tuneless mumble.
Fit the Second -- Before the Race
The podrace hangar, the following morning. Vehicles of every
size and description are lined up in the open archways of the
hangar, pit droids and technicians hurrying to tweak just a few
more ergs out of parts that should have been recycled years
ago. The roars of engines, the thick smells of grease and
coolant and, strangely enough, Turkish taffy. Alien pilots are
doing preflight checks and signing their insurance claim forms
in advance.
Two eopies are pulling a small yellow and blue pod and it's
engines into this chaos. The pod is plastered with sponsorship
decals advertising Fisher-Price, Mattel, and Mongoose Bicycles.
Atop one eopie, Anakin pops his bubblegum and looks supremely
unconcerned that he's about to be flying his home-built suicide
sled in a race where people regularly get their spare parts
scattered over several miles of desert. Behind him, Padme is
trying to maintain her "Serene Face", but the ragged chewed end
of one braid kind of ruins the effect. On the other eopie,
Anakin's mother Shmi looks like any mother who's about to watch
her fool son do something no sane person would even consider
unless there was a considerable amount of money involved. As
they enter the hangar a tall shadow comes forward to meet them,
and resolves into our hero and Jedi pin-up god, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Behind the pod, C-3PO and R2-D2 are arguing about the relative
merits and failings of Microsoft Windoze versus Linux.
QUI-GON- (helping Shmi off the eopie) Good morning...
SHMI smiles and slides off the hairless packbeast as he takes
her hand to help her down. Anakin and Padme slide down and off
their eopie and begin to manuever the pod and it's engines into
one of the hangar's archways as Anakin's friend Kitster pops
out of the woodwork and begins helping them.
KITSTER (to Anakin) Uh, did you remember the duct tape this
time?
Anakin reaches into the pod, brings out a huge role of silver
duct tape and grins as he rips a length off .
ANAKIN - Yup. Who needs a seat belt? (blows a huge bubble with
his bubblegum)
PADME rolls her eyes at this and turns to help the two boys
fasten the pod's powerlines to the engines.
Two NASCAR talent scouts stroll by, eyeing Anakin's pod and
nodding a greeting. In the hangar archway next to the group
waits a Federation shuttle; the name "Galileo" is blazoned
along the side and a tall pointy-eared gentleman in a blue
shirt and black pants is giving passersby questioning looks.
From inside the shuttle's open hatchway come the sounds of
clanging and the occassional zap of electrical power, followed
directly by bursts of angry Scots Gaelic. In a further archway,
a black SR-71 sits dripping fuel slowly into the sand beneath
it. A short figure in a yellow and blue costume lounges on the
open rampway, puffing on a cigar and picking at the treads of
his boots with a long silvery claw extending from the back of
one hand. Still further, a black triangular shape hovers
humming above the floor of the hangar. Beside it, two Gray
aliens stand impassively while a handsome young human male in a
long trenchcoat holds a cellphone to his ear, arguing with
someone named Scully. Directly across from Anakin and the rest
of our heroes, a hot-air balloon is slowly rising from the
floor as a purple elephant blows it up with his trunk. Yakko,
Wakko and Dot are scurrying around the balloon checking ropes
and fastenings as it begins to reveal itself as the Oscar Meyer
Weiner.
Bill and Ted walk by, give Anakin's pod the once-over, and say
simultaneously, "Excellent!" With an air-guitar riff that would
do Eddie Van Halen proud, they saunter away.
As Qui-Gon and Shmi help Anakin and the others attach the
engines to the pod, Maul's flying Magic 8 Ball droid zips into
the hangar. It spots the group, gives a startled whistle, snaps
a few Polaroids, and races back out again.
WATTO approaches as the small group finishes connecting the pod
to the engines. The junk dealer is short, brown, furry, and has
large canine teeth hanging over his bottom lip. Sharp beady
eyes regard the group with predatory eagerness.
WATTO - Me want see your ship soon as race is over.
Qui-Gon spots the junk dealer and walks over to him.
QUI-GON -- Patience, my friend! You'll have your winnings
before the suns set. And my friends and I will be far from
here.
WATTO -- (scrunches his furry eyebrows together as he thinks,
then brightens) Not if ship belongs to me!
QUI-GON -- You don't think Anakin will win?
WATTO -- (eyes the tall Jedi warily, scowling) Uh-uh! (points
to Yakko, Wakko and Dot) Betting on them!
QUI-GON -- (thinks a moment) How about a side bet, then?
WATTO -- (eyes fill with suspicion) Uuuuhhh?
QUI-GON -- I'll bet my new racing pod (indicates Anakin's pod)
against...say...Anakin and his mother Shmi.
WATTO -- (blinks, then falls over onto the sandy floor
laughing, holding his middle as he kicks his feet in the air.
Then he jumps up and shakes his head vehemently) No! Uh-uh! No
way!
QUI-GON-- (looks around as if making sure no one's listening)
It's the fastest pod ever built...
WATTO -- (still shakes his head violently) Uh-uh!
QUI-GON -- I'll throw in a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni.
WATTO -- (blinks, then starts whimpering and snivelling) No pod
worth two slaves! You can have mother!
QUI-GON -- Then let fate decide.
WATTO -- (grins hugely and nods, then from out of nowhere
produces a large silver coin. On one side is a picture of
George Lucas with the words "In George We Trust". The other
side is GoGo Dodo.) George, you get Anakin. GoGo, you get Shmi!
QUI-GON -- Fair enough. Toss.
WATTO flips the coin high in the air. Behind his back, Qui-Gon
crosses his fingers, then gives the coin a little extra spin
with the Force while promising to it that he'll let Obi-Wan go
to the Britney Spears concert. Surprisingly, the trick works!
When the coin lands, Saint George grins up from the
sand-covered floor! Apparently the Force is all in favor of
Obi-Wan ogling well-endowed teenage girls!
QUI-GON -- Anakin it is.
WATTO -- (scrunches up his eyebrows suspiciously and gives the
Jedi a glare that could be used to make ice cream) Gggrrrrr...
You win this time! But Anakin will not win race!
QUI-GON -- (smiles enigmatically) We shall see.
WATTO growls, glares at the Jedi, glares at the Oscar Meyer
Weiner balloon and the Warner Brothers, then begins spinning
like a tornado and zips down the aisle between the pods and
other ships and disappears around a corner.
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