ARCHIVE: M_A only please.
CATEGORY: Romance
PAIRING: Q/O
RATING: PG
WARNINGS: More romantic musings.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, only George Lucas owns them and makes
money with them.
SUMMARY: The romance between Qui and Obi continues.
Last night was the first time I told Obi-Wan how much I love
him, and, amazingly, he returns that love. We spoke for a long
time after our mutual confessions and then we retired to our
separate bedrooms. We still have much to talk about and I don't
want to rush things. I love Obi-Wan and I desire him, but I
want more than just a physical joining and I want him to
understand this. I wish to spend the rest of my life with him,
there will be time for us to enjoy each other's bodies.
Perhaps he is too young to truly understand why I want to take
things slowly, but I have realized that I've never really
courted anyone before. There never seemed to be enough time for
me to do all the silly, romantic things that people in love do.
And besides, such things were beneath the dignity of a Jedi, or
so I thought when I was younger.
Youth is a wonderful thing but sometimes it can be so blind to
the simple things one should take time to enjoy because there
might not be another chance to do so. I have been granted a new
chance and this time I want to do all the things I once found
so foolish, I will do this for myself and for Obi-Wan. He
deserves to be courted properly, with sweet words, romantic
music, with dozens of small but loving gestures that will show
him how I feel. Is it foolish of me to want this?. I don't
care, I feel a happiness inside me I've never felt before and I
want everyone to know! If this makes me foolish, then so be it.
I will be a romantic old fool.
This morning there will be no lessons, no training. I want to
give Obi-Wan time to meditate on our new relationship. We have
been teacher and pupil, later we became friends, and last
night, our relationship changed again. And no matter how much
the both of us desired that change, it is still difficult to
get used to it. But I know we will enjoy and cherish this new
chapter in our life.
I have requested an audience with the Council. That's quite
unusual for me. I normally try to stay as far away as possible
from the Council and all it's rules, and now, for the first
time in my life, I actually want to follow those rules. Well,
one of them, at least.
Jedi fall in love too and we are free to pursue our feelings.
We are not celibate, as many believe; sex is not forbidden to
us and we can have partners from outside the Order. But when
two Jedi fall in love and decide to form a life bond, then
there are important rules to follow.
First, we must inform the Council of our decision. Inform, not
ask for permission; not even the Council has the power to
decide whether or not two people should love each other. There
are no rules against a Master and Padawan forming a bond, as
long as the Padawan has reached adulthood and he or she
understands what this sort of commitment implies.
Since I'm the Master, I must be the one to inform the Council
of my intentions towards my Padawan. They'll ask me to subject
to a slight mental probe, to make sure that I'm completely
aware of the importance of my decision. Afterwards it will be
Obi-Wan's turn, they'll probe his mind, assuring themselves of
his determination. They must make sure that it is truly his
decision, that I have not force him into it. The mental probe
is considered necessary because forming a life bond is, at the
same time, incredibly joyful and incredibly hard for the couple
involved. There can be no lingering doubts or fears about the
bonding, each of us must be absolutely sure about the reasons
we have for wanting the bond, for desiring to spend the rest of
our lives together.
When the Council is satisfied, as I'm sure they will be, every
Jedi in the Temple will be summoned and Obi-Wan and myself will
declare our intentions to our brothers and sisters. They will
know that we are devoted to each other, we'll make a solemn
promise to one another and to all of them. A promise to love,
respect and honor not only each other, but our Jedi ideals as
well.
Afterwards there will be small celebration in our honor. Jedi
also like to celebrate, even if most of the time we seem quiet
and solemn. But among ourselves, we are as fun loving and
cheerful as any other creature.
I wait patiently outside the Chamber. The doors open and I
walk inside, stopping when I'm standing in the center of the
circle formed by the seats of the twelve members of the
Council. I bow respectfully, when I look up I can see surprise
and maybe even a bit of worry in their faces. I can understand
this, things haven't gone smoothly on our previous meetings.
There are many of their rules I don't like and they don't like
my * rebellious attitude * as Mace likes to call it. I seem to
shock them with my every request. And today I will shock them
again. Of all the things I have ever asked of them, this is
without a doubt the most surprising. I don't think there's a
single one of them who ever expected me to come with this sort
of news, I'm sure that not even my old Master, Yoda, expected
me to form a life bond. I always have been too independent, too
stubborn, and, after Xanatos, too hurt to give my complete
trust and love to anyone.
But Obi-Wan has changed that. I'm no longer afraid. I love and
trust him with all my heart and I have been depending on him,
on his loyalty, his honor and his skills as a Jedi for a long
time now.
Looking at all of them, I must confess that I feel a certain
pleasure at the thought of shocking these far too serious
beings. I can't wait to see their faces when they hear that I,
the old, rebellious Master, wish to bond with my young, rule
following Padawan. And no doubt they'll be even more surprised
to know that said Padawan actually wants this bonding as much
as I do. Mace will probably think that this is some kind of
scheme on my part to try to damage the Council's dignity.! I'm
brought back from my rather disrespectful thoughts by Yoda's
voice.
"Something to tell us, you have?", I can clearly hear the
curiosity in his voice.
"You have not been on any mission lately Qui-Gon, so why do
you wish to see us now?", Mace's voice is more annoyed than
curious. I will really enjoy his reaction when he learns of my
reasons for wanting this audience.
I try to look solemn, after all, this is a serious matter, but
I know I can't fool them. They are all Masters in their own
right, and they feel the currents of the Force as easily as
myself. And right now those currents are pulsing strongly and
joyfully all around me, my happiness too great to be contained.
"I wish to inform you of my decision to form a life bond with
my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi", I spoke calmly but firmly and
waited for their answer.
There was a stunned silence. Not even all their Jedi serenity
could mask their surprise. They sat, staring at me for a long
moment, as if waiting for me to say that I was only joking.
When it became obvious that I wasn't going to say anything
else, they turned to exchange confuse looks among themselves. I
waited patiently, sure that Mace wouldn't let me down. And,
sure enough, he was the first one to talk.
"You want to do what?", he asked, as if unsure of what he had
just heard. He tried to keep his face blank, but I could see
the surprise in his eyes.
"You heard me Mace and I assure you I'm completely serious".
" Sure you are about this?, Sure your Padawan is?", my old
Master went straight to the point of course and I was grateful
for this. I wanted to finish with all the formalities so
Obi-Wan and myself were finally free to make further plans.
"We are both sure Master and we are willing to prove it to all
of you", I know the only way to do this is to lower all my
shields so they can see how deep my feelings are and how truly
committed I am to form a bond with Obi-Wan. I have always been
a fiercely private man, lowering my shields to let them look
inside my mind, inside my soul, is something that I never
thought I would do. But today I want to do it, I want all of
them to see the glory of our love. I'm not ashamed of it, I
don't want to hide it, I only wish we could share this feeling
with everyone.
I walked ahead until I was standing right in front of my
Master's seat. I kneeled and, with a nod, gave him permission
to enter my mind. He put one of his small hands on my shoulder
and squeezed lightly. He was trying to calm me, he knew very
well of my aversion to this kind of mental probes. Even though
I was not afraid or reluctant on this occasion, his tender
gesture moved me. He still cared for his rebellious old
Padawan.
I relaxed and opened my mind, my shields slowly falling away
one by one until, finally, there were none left and they could
see everything that I had kept hidden inside me for so long.
All the pain and fear I carried inside after Xanatos betrayal,
my reluctance to trust in another Padawan again, but all this
paled in comparison to what I felt now for Obi-Wan, and I let
them see. They saw how I learned to trust again, to laugh, to
love. They saw how the warm affection I felt for the boy had
grown into a passionate love for the man he now was. I let them
see the many different ways in which he complemented me, I let
them see how much I needed him, his company, his trust and,
above, all, how much I needed his love. I showed them that I
wanted to bond with him not only because I selfishly wished him
to make * me * happy, but because I wanted to make * him *
happy, I wanted to protect him, comfort him, love him, be
strong for him, be happy * with * him. I showed them that I
wanted to give, not just take.
I let them feel my great sadness when I thought he would never
love me and the immense happiness I felt when I first realized
that he was in love with me. I relived the glorious moment when
he told me he loved me for the first time, and I let them feel
the perfect happiness and serenity I knew then.
In a room full of Jedi Masters the Force flows with incredible
strength and when I let my shields down they felt every emotion
I poured into the Force as if they were their own. The currents
of the Force pulsed powerfully around us, feeding from the
passionate emotions we were all broadcasting, until we were
unable to contain it inside the Chamber. It felt like something
had exploded inside me, inside all of us. I'm sure every Jedi
in the Temple felt it.
When it was over I rose a bit shakily, my shields falling
slowly into place. I looked at them proudly. I once might have
been ashamed to let them see me so vulnerable, but my love for
Obi-Wan makes me strong. I knew I proved them, beyond a doubt,
that I am entirely committed to the bond I wish to form with my
Padawan.
They looked amazed but regained their composure quickly, as
Jedi Masters should. As one, they raised from their seats and
bowed. It was their way of acknowledging my feelings and
showing that they respected them. Yoda, my dear old Master,
gave me one of his rare smiles and I could swear I saw tears in
his eyes. For once, Mace had nothing sarcastic to say to me.
Yoda cleared his throat loudly and he took his seat again, the
other Masters followed his example.
"Prove to us the honesty of your feelings, you have. Obi-Wan
the same will do now", he nodded at me, a clear dismissal.
I bowed to him and walked out. I knew that Obi-Wan would have
to bare his feelings as I had just done and let them see inside
his soul in order to assure the Council of our solemn
intentions.
Obi-Wan was already waiting for me outside the Chamber. I'm
not surprised, through the bond we already share, he must have
felt the feelings I was broadcasting even stronger than the
rest of the Jedi. He wears a serene expression on his face, but
his eyes, those ever changing eyes of his, tell me all I need
to know. We walk at the same time, stopping when we are face to
face; there is no need for us to speak. He just puts his arms
around me, holding me tightly, his cheek resting on my
shoulder, our bond vibrating with the love he's pouring into
it. I close my eyes as I return the embrace just as fiercely,
willingly delighting in the feel of his body pressed close to
mine, drowning in his love. We stay like that for several
minutes, until, reluctantly, I step back a little, his arms
still holding me. I lift my hand to caress his cheek and he
smiles brightly at me. I try to say something but fail, my
breath stole by his beauty. I take a deep breath and try again,
this time I find my voice.
"They're waiting for you, my love", I said softly.
He nods and steps back, his arms leaving me and I feel
suddenly cold and miserably alone. I can't wait to have them
around me again.
He folds his arms inside the sleeves of his robe and walks
inside the Chamber without hesitation. He's not afraid of
what's to come and I feel proud of my Padawan's courage and of
the love the man feels for me.
I knew we had to do it, but it still surprised me when Qui-Gon
told me he was going to request an audience with the Council.
He abhors many of the Council's rules, which he considers
foolish, so I was absurdly flattered to know that he wanted to
do this for me. Oddly enough, I was the one who didn't care
about the rules this time, I would have defy the Council and
all the rules if they forbade our bonding.
I was meditating when I felt it, that powerful explosion of
feelings coming from none other than my Master. The man many
think cold and unfeeling, was showing without fear his love for
me. After many years of keeping others outside, he was now
sharing his most intimate feelings with everyone!.
I didn't wait any longer, I left our quarters and ran towards
the Council Chamber in a very undignified manner, but I didn't
care. I just wanted to see Qui-Gon, to let him know how much
what he had done meant to me.
Thanks to my Jedi speed, I got there before Qui-Gon left the
Chamber. I took a moment to calm myself and arrange the folds
of my robe, after all, I couldn't go see the Council to
announce my bonding looking as if I had just been running
through the halls!
Finally, my Master comes out and spots me immediately. He
looks radiant and I go to him, my legs moving without thinking,
as if my body just couldn't resist being apart form his. He
moved towards me and the moment he is near enough, I take him
in my arms, holding him tightly. I rest my cheek on his
shoulder and breathe in deeply the sweet smell of his hair,
letting him feel all my love through our bond.
We embrace each other for several moments, until he steps back
slightly. His hand caresses my cheek lovingly and I can't help
but smile at him. He begins to say something, but his voice
fails him. Finally, he speaks softly to me.
"They're waiting for you my love".
I nodded and walked inside the Chamber. I wanted to show
everyone that my love for Qui-Gon was sincere and strong and
that we could really form a life bond between us.
I walked towards the center of the Chamber and bowed
respectfully to all the Masters. They were looking at me
curiously and I imagined that they were wondering if I was
worthy of the great love Qui-Gon felt for me.
Master Yoda is the first to speak. " A life bond your Master
wishes to form with you. Wish the same do you?".
"Yes Master Yoda, I wish to form a life bond with my Master,
Qui-Gon Jinn, and I am prepared to prove it to you", I spoke
firmly, I didn't want to give them any reason to doubt my
decision.
"Obi-Wan you are still very young, are you sure you are
prepared to spend the rest of your life with Qui-Gon?", Master
Windu asked, his voice showed that he didn't think I was.
"I love him Master Windu, I always have and I know I always
will".
"Obi-Wan I don't doubt that you love your Master, but loving
the man is a very different thing. We just want to be sure you
know the difference". Master Windu still looked unsure about
the truthfulness of my feelings. " And although I respect
Qui-Gon as a Jedi, I also know he can be a rather...difficult
man to get along with", he finished and looked at me as if he
was waiting for me to agree with him!
"I assure you Master Windu that I know very well what I feel
for Qui- Gon. It is a feeling far greater than the simple love
and respect a Padawan feels for his Master. And as my Master
and as the man I love, I have always found it very easy to get
along with Qui-Gon!" I tried to remain calm, to control the
indignation I felt. That last remark had been totally out of
place!
They all looked surprised by my answer. It was then that I
realized that none of them had ever thought that my Master
would find a mate. Qui-Gon must have been expecting this and no
doubt he enjoyed shocking them with our news. And although I
admit that the sight of these wise Jedi Masters caught
completely off guard * is * somewhat amusing, the thought of
them believing that Qui-Gon would never find someone to love
and to be loved by in return is incredibly sad. The thought of
that wonderful, caring man, that bright soul, alone for the
rest of his life, strengthened my decision to care for him,
body and soul, to erase all memories of his past loneliness, to
love him for the rest of my days.
And, above all, to prove to everyone who ever believed he
would never find love, that they were wrong.
I'm not a Master, my control over the Force isn't nearly as
powerful as Qui-Gon's, but my love is as great as his and that
gives me the strength I need. I drop my shields and let them
see inside my mind, let them feel all the love I have for my
Qui-Gon. I let them see all the different ways in which I've
loved him. The innocent love of the child I was and the wild,
desperate love of my teenage years. The hero worship which
later became respect. The certainty of his invulnerability and
the belief that he would always know what to do and that he
would always succeed in everything; with time, that changed
into the acceptance of his mortality, the knowledge that he
would always try his best, that he would face every difficult
situation with courage and that even he needed advice from time
to time. I also had to recognize that although he was a great
Jedi he was also a man, and that meant that he could fail.
That's probably the hardest thing for a Padawan to accept, that
the Master who guides us is fallible.
As all Padawans do at first, I had put him on a high pedestal
and adored him as if he were a god, perfect and unreachable. My
love for him truly matured when I learned to see him as a man,
when I accepted all his flaws. My love didn't vanish with that
new understanding, I wasn't disappointed, I only loved him all
the more.
This is what I showed them, what I wanted them to comprehend.
I used all my strength and I broadcasted it all through our
bond so that he would understand it too. I bared my heart and
soul to the Force and I felt it surrounding me and everyone
else in the Chamber in a way I never felt before. It was
powerful enough to be felt by every Jedi in the Temple but not
as the amazing explosion of feelings that had come from
Qui-Gon. It was more like a wave that started inside me, slowly
expanding, touching every Council member and it continue
growing until it was felt by every creature in the Temple.
When it was over, any doubts that Master Windu or anyone else
had, were gone.
It was precisely Master Windu the one who broke the silence,
and this time, his voice was filled with wonder and acceptance.
"I am sorry to have doubted you Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon has been
blessed by the Force, I am sure that the love you two share
will bring you and the Jedi, great joy". When he finished, he
was actually smiling at me!
"To your Master you must go now. Summon all Jedi we will and a
celebration in your honor we shall have", Master Yoda looked
really pleased.
I was happy to have proved to them that our love was real and
to know that all the Jedi would join us to celebrate it. But
there would be time for that later, for now, Master Yoda was
right. I needed to go to my Master, so, with a final bow, I
left the Chamber.
I found him waiting impatiently for me. He was besides me in
two long strides, holding me as if he would never let me go.
His breathing was ragged, and I knew he was trying not to cry.
I took his beloved face in my hands, caressing his soft beard
and looked solemnly at him. I knew that, through our bond, he
had felt my every emotion, but I still wanted him to hear my
words, wanted to make him a promise.
"Qui-Gon Jinn I promise you that I will always love you for
the man you are, that I won't expect anything more or accept
anything less than that. I will always speak to you with the
truth and, for the rest of my life, I will honor you, as my
Master and as my life bonded".
When I finished, he was serene again and his eyes were shining
with Love. He lifted his arms and, as I had done, he took my
face in his hands, caressing my cheeks with infinite
tenderness. It was his turn to make his promise to me.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, I promise you that I will love you with
everything that I am, that you will never regret loving me,
that, as your Master, I will give you all my knowledge, and as
your life bonded, I will give you my life."
We would make other promises in our bonding ceremony, in front
of all our Jedi comrades, but right here and now, we made our
first promises of love to each other.
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