Fates - Unsent Letters

Leandra and Raina

Archive: yes please, M_A; nuttersinc (nowhere else)

Pairing: Q/O

Category: AU, Drama, Romance

Rating: R

Disclaimer: We don't own Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. However, Ben, Quiggs, Seda, Dun, Lieth, Ronwe, Master Titulus, Master Rob and of course Squicky belong to us.

Feedback: always a treat. raina_at@yahoo.de ; nuttersincorporated@hotmail.com

Summary: The title says it all

Warning: *sniff*

Spoilers: Aplenty for many of the previous instalments of the Fates universe

Series: Yes, Fates. Starts three days after "Fates-Lachesis"

Fates timeline found here: http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/nuttersinc/fates_timeline.html

Thanks: to Tem-Ve, the bestest beta in the world.

I carry your heart with me, by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Quiggs Letters, Part 1

Dear Ben,

I really don't know where to start. It's been 3 days since I left Coruscant and I already miss you so much I want to scream, which probably explains this letter. Don't worry; I'm not going to send it. I think all this is difficult enough without you having to deal with my self-pity.

Ben, I'm so sorry. But then I told you that already in my goodbye letter, and if I know you at all, my apologies mean nothing to you. You'd probably throw that letter back in my face.

I know you're angry, and Force knows you have every right to be. I did exactly what I promised you I wouldn't. I left you. But please believe me, I would never have gone if I thought there was any chance for us to be together, even outside of the Order. If it weren't for that Sith-be-damned Force inhibition I would have asked you to come with me.

On second thought, no, I wouldn't have asked you to come with me. You're Jedi. You'll never be anything else. You belong in the Order like water in the Ocean; you live and breathe this life. I know that if I had left you a choice, you would have come with me. But leaving the Order would have killed a part of you, and I love you too much for you to suffer through what I'm going through now.

So why am I writing this letter? Because I've never felt this lonely in my life. Because I miss talking to you about my problems. Because the only friends I had are left on Coruscant. Because I need to talk to my best friend and can't, for I hurt him very much. I thought I'd write it all down, so I can at least have the illusion of talking to you.

In case you were wondering, I'm on Corellia.
What are you doing on Corellia, Quiggs?

Well, let me tell you. Back on Coruscant I boarded the first ship out of there, and only after we'd made the jump to hyperspace did I realise that I had no idea where I was going. It turned out the ship was going to a rather large spaceport on the fourth moon of Tivolia. From there I could go wherever I wanted. I was in no condition to make a rational decision, so I followed my impulses and was halfway to Corellia before I realised where exactly I was headed.

I was in a daze the whole time. Completely numb, I didn't speak to anyone nor did I really register anything beyond my own confusion and pain. The hours on both star ships are a blur to me.

I only really came to myself when we landed on Corellia. I connected to the Living Force of the planet and it went through me like a bolt of lightning. I was home. But it wasn't the home I wanted. I left that on Coruscant.

My feet followed my old trails automatically, and in less than an hour, I was walking up the path to our old house. But the moment I set eyes on the house, it hit me. There was nothing left here for me. Nothing but the ruins of my old life. I was no longer the boy who had lived here with his Master. I've changed so much since then, grown so much, seen so much, that it all seemed remote and almost unreal to me. Even though it had been my home from when I was three years old and Master Rob took me with him from the orphanage, I couldn't stay there any more. Not even overnight. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of the other time I lost the person I loved most in my life.

I didn't even go into the house. I had removed everything of value five years ago, so there was nothing left in there except some faded furniture and a few old lightsabre crystals. I just sat down on the sun-warmed stone outside the house and tried to figure out what I would do with my life now.

I was Jedi. What am I now?
I have no idea.

Sitting there on that stone in the sun, it occurred to me that I really have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've been a Jedi in training for as long as I can remember. I've never had to ask myself what I wanted to do with my life, it was always absolutely clear to me. But now... what do I do now? What do 22 years of Jedi training qualify me for? What kind of job can I do, and where will I go? I would ask the Force for guidance, but I no longer trust the Force. It has taken everything I ever loved from me. First Master Rob, now you. It won't let me be happy, it won't even let me make my own choices about how I want to live my life. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to trust a Force that screwed me over every time I was really happy?

I think it's because I feel so betrayed that I lost my clear connection to the Living Force. I can't feel it like I used to, it doesn't sing to me anymore. I need to find the Force again, need to reconnect with it. And I want to get as far away from the mess I made as I can.

I know I'm running away, but right now, it's the only thing I can do to give us both the space we need to rebuild our lives without each other. I still have every intention to keep the promise I made to you, but right now I think it's better for both of us if I stay as far away from you as I can.

As I sat in front of my former home, looking out at the meadows where Master Rob taught me my first katas, I was reminded of a story he told me. He said that Jedi hermits used to go to Tatooine to find enlightenment in the Living Force of the desert there. He described the power of the Living Force there to me. He visited the desert when he was a Padawan in the Order and it was there that he first felt overwhelmed by the call of the Force. He always wanted to return there, but he never had the chance.

But I do have the chance now, and I desperately need the clarity he told me about. So I scraped together the last of my credits and bought passage to Tatooine. It's the perfect place to commune with the Force, and it's a wonderful rock to crawl under for as long as I have to wait to get back to you.

I still have every intention of keeping the promise I made you. I will return to you one day. I know it.

I'm sitting at the spaceport right now, waiting for my flight to get called. I passed by a communications centre a minute ago, and I had to stop myself from calling you. Maybe I should call you, only to let you know that I'm all right. But I just can't face you right now, nor the nagging questions Seda or any of the others would ask. I'll just add my cowardliness to the list of things I'll ask you to forgive me for when we meet again.

I miss you. I love you. I will come back to you. Until then, be safe, be well, be happy. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yours forever,
QGJ

Dear Ben,

I don't even know where to start. It's been 16 days since I left you on Coruscant, but it feels like years. So much has happened, so much I want to tell you, need to tell you even, but you're at the other end of the damned galaxy and that's not all bad, because if you weren't, I might be persuaded to call you or pay you a visit.

Gods, I miss you. I want you. I need you. But you're not here, and it's good that you're not here, because this would hurt you no end. It hurts me enough for both of us. I don't even know how to tell you, and of course I know I'll never send this letter, just like I didn't send the last one, but writing it eases my urge to talk to you, to tell you all about what's happening to me right now. I can't even imagine telling you this face to face; it's difficult enough to write.

Let me start at the beginning. I told you in my last unsent letter that I was going to Tatooine. Well, I did. I took the next transport to Tatooine. Four hours in space gave me enough time to think - make that to brood - about my immediate future. I had almost no money left and not the faintest idea how to make a living on Tatooine, but of course I didn't spend the time on that transport thinking about a job or a future, no, I spent them half-asleep in a corner on the floor, dreaming about you. Remembering our time together. Like that one time you brought me something to eat when I was sick and you spilled it and we made love. Or our first mission together, with that stupid crown prince we had to guard until his wedding. He didn't have a scratch but the two of us looked like we'd been in a Bantha stampede, which wasn't far from the truth. Or the time when we... I should stop this. I could go on forever, but I'm really just stalling.

Anyway, I arrived on Tatooine, in Mos Eisley to be precise. I swear, compared to that city, the lower levels of Coruscant are Viegan moons. It's a mess and my fingers went numb clutching the blaster Master Windu gave me for a goodbye present. I would have given worlds for my lightsabre, but one can't have everything. Or anything, in my case.

Right. Self-pity. Lately that's the top item on my 'Need to meditate about this' list.

Now for the difficult bit. I was strolling through Mos Eisley, looking for a decent place to stay for a couple of days. I was tired, hungry and in no mood to do anything but get something to eat and maybe a place to sleep. I wandered the streets, looking for something, I don't know what, when I came to the market place. They sell everything there. From spaceship parts over any type of food you can imagine to slaves of every race I've ever seen. You can imagine the place, you've seen similar places on other worlds.

I was swept up with the masses that were moving into the market, and soon I was moving between the stalls. I was overwhelmed by sights and sounds both alien and familiar, but suddenly all of it seemed to calm and melt away and I felt a strange prickle at my neck, like I was being watched. I turned around, blaster ready, and looked directly at Tahl. You remember her, right? The girl we met in Gerona? The wedding?

I recognised her instantly, but when I looked at her this time, it was as if I'd never seen her before. I looked into her eyes, and suddenly I felt something in me click. Something like knowledge, but not in words, more like instinct. More like the Force. And I knew she felt it too. When I first met her, I instantly liked her, and now I knew why. There was a connection between us, as palpable and almost visible as if it had been physical. It seemed after all the time and space I ran from fate; it had finally caught up with me.

We walked towards each other, and for a while we just looked at each other. Then we moved away from the street into a small bar where we could talk. Only I didn't know what to say. Fortunately, she was talkative enough.

She asked me if I too had felt the connection between us, and if I too knew what it meant. I could only nod. Of course I knew. I spent the last four years dreading it, fearing it even, waking up at night, sweating, from a nightmare of it. And now it had happened. I finally met my soul mate.

She gave me a smile that lit up the room, but I couldn't smile back. I felt like I was dying inside from the whirlwind of grief and joy and guilt and heartbreak and sheer confusion that was going on in my head.

She asked me what was wrong, whether I didn't feel it, couldn't see that we were meant to be, that we were each other's homes, other halves, that the search was finally over.

How could I tell her the truth? How could I tell her that, yes, I did feel it all, but that all I wanted was to jump on the next transport back to Coruscant and bury myself so deeply in you, heart, body and soul, that they'd never again find a trace of Qui-Gon Jinn?

I answered her that yes, I did feel it, but that I was overwhelmed and confused and needed a bit of time to sort it out. Which was all true, but only scratching the surface.

She took it well enough, only took my hand and looked at me full of compassion. "Take as much time as you need. We have the rest of our lives to figure that out."

I know she meant well, and that it was supposed to be comforting, but at that moment, I only felt like she was sticking a red hot iron in my heart and twisting it around.

We talked about other things, like what the Sith she was doing on Tatooine, and it turned out her father bought a moisture farm about six months ago. She invited me to stay with them for now, as she phrased it, but I felt that she really meant I should stay with them for good. Since I didn't know where to go and what to do, I went with her and that's where I have been ever since. On a small moisture farm seven hours south of Mos Eisley.

Tahl's father isn't around much, he's mostly in Mos Espa to run their other ventures from there, so the farm work falls to Tahl and a few farmhands. And now me. The days here are filled with work. I try to help Tahl with the farm as well as I can. She's borderline Force-sensitive and has a good sense of the Living Force, so she's a natural farmer. A lot like me, I guess.

Ah, Ben, the Living Force of the desert. I've never felt anything like it before. It's so pure, so strong, not inhibited or filtered by technology like on Coruscant or cluttered by life forms like on Corellia, no, it's clear and fresh and speaks to me like I've never heard it before.

On my third night on the farm, I went outside to the edge of the desert, and under the starlit sky and surrounded by the endless dune sea of the desert, I meditated again for the first time since I left Coruscant, and I finally found the Force again. That night brought me clarity I had seldom felt before.

I know now that I am where the Force wanted me, with the person the Force chose for me, living the life the Force chose for me. And in that knowledge, I've found calm. But I've also found the well of my unhappiness. The life the Force chose for me is not the one I want. The person it has chosen for me is not the one I would have chosen.

I sat there in this clarity, this complete stillness and understanding, and my heart wept. I had all I needed right there in front of me, but all I wanted was you. Your presence. Your sparkling laugh. Your warmth against me, shielding me against this cold knowledge. Your smile, saving me from the temptation to give in to the call of the bond, to complete it and let myself drown in this existence.

But the memory of you was stronger. Of my promise to you. My love for you. This might be what the Force wanted for me. But it wasn't what I wanted.

I never chose this. I chose you. I miss you. Everything I am I left with you. I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts, this steady pull in two directions inside of me. The urge to give in to the bond, to just give up, and the steady beat of my heart, reminding me with every thump against my chest who it belongs to. Who I gave it to. Who it yearns for day and night.

I haven't told Tahl of all this. I just told her I needed some time to adjust to all of this, the life, the overwhelming suddenness of it all. And she accepted it, even though I know she knows there is more to it. But I can't tell her. Not now, maybe not ever. I can't tell her about you. I don't want to share that with her. My life may belong to her, but you belong to me and only me. The Force chose her, but I fell in love with you. I still have every intention of keeping my promise to you. I still count the days until we meet again.

I hope and pray you are well and can find it in your heart to forgive me my silence. I don't have the money to call Coruscant, and even if I had, I'd be too much of a coward to face you and answer your questions. Anyway, I think it's better for both of us if we don't have contact for now. It would only serve to remind us of what we had and can't have again.

As if I needed a reminder. I think of little else. My memories of you are all that keep me from drowning in my own despair out in this endless desert.

Yours, more than ever,
QGJ.

Dear Ben,

It's been a while since my last letter, but since I won't send this any more than I sent the others, I guess it doesn't matter all that much. It does to me, though. These letters are the only things that keep me from feeling completely lonely here. I need this; I need to talk to you, even if it's only an illusion of communication. Not that much has happened since I last wrote to you, over six weeks ago. I'm still on Tahl's moisture farm. Still doing what I can to pull my weight around here. Still meditating in the desert, trying to fill the void. Still unbonded.

Days here pass very slowly. Nights pass even slower. I spend my days moisture farming. My nights I spend dreaming. Remembering.

Moisture farming. I can't believe I ever complained about Astrophysics. Master Titulus' worst lessons are pure bliss compared to a standard day of moisture farming. Why do I do it, then, you'd ask me if I had the nerve or the money to contact you, like I know I should. Well, why do I do it? Because it helps me not to think. Because it's a living. Because I have nowhere else to go. Because out here, in the desert, the Living Force speaks to me in such purity and strength, the likes of which I've never experienced anywhere. Because I honestly don't know what else to do with my life.

I've always been Jedi. I don't know what else to be. Tahl is slowly teaching me to live outside that concept, and I'm even starting to get better at moisture farming, but I don't think I'll ever master not being Jedi.

Oh, Gods, I miss you. I can't even begin to tell you how much, so it's probably best that this letter will never reach you anyway. It's been 62 days since I last saw you, touched you, spoke to you. Believe it or not, it's actually the talking I miss most. Which would explain this letter, anyway.

Tahl is being very patient with me, even though she doesn't know about you. I was so used to not being able to talk about our relationship, and now that I can I find that I don't want to. I don't want to share this part of me with her. She's supposed to be my soul mate and I don't want to talk to her about you. What does that say about us? I sure as all Sith hells don't know and I find myself hard-pressed to care.

I know that I probably will have to tell her why I'm so unwilling to be close to her, to follow the pull of the bond, and she'll probably understand, but I just don't want to tell her about us. Maybe I still resent her for being my soul mate when all I ever wanted is to be with you. Fate has planned everything out for us, but between Corellia and Tatooine something happened, something fate hadn't planned. I fell in love.

I'm still so much in love with you, it sometimes hurts to breathe with your absence. I know it would be selfish to tell you this, so I don't. I only tell it to this letter no one will ever read.

I miss you. I want nothing more than to touch you, be with you, feel your warmth against me. I wake up at night and want to reach out to you, but you're not there. I want to call you over the comm line, but you're on the other side of the galaxy, out of my life. I want to tell you about my day and hear about your adventures. Are you a knight yet? If not, you will be soon. How are you? Stupid question, I know.

How's Squicky? Plaguing the Sith out of you probably. Did Seda ever pass Advanced Astronav, and has she made up with Dun? They were fighting when I left, if I remember correctly. But then again, they always fought. About everything.

Is Bant still dating Akoa? How about Ronwe, has Lieth managed to get him maimed or killed yet with his newest crazy idea?

How's Master Windu doing? I really miss him. Not as much as I miss Master Rob, or you, but I still miss him. If I can't get up the guts to call you, I should at least call him. But I don't. I can't. Not yet. It drives me crazy that I don't know how you are, but I...I just can't.

I miss the Temple. It was the closest thing I had to a home since Master Rob died. I miss our friends. I really want to hear about all that has happened in my absence, I'd like to know how the gang is doing, and I want you to be the one who tells me. I'd lay my head in your lap, let you comb through my hair, listen to you while you'd tell me in a soft voice about everything that's happened at home while I was gone. Then you'd lean down and kiss me, softly, just a brush of lips against mine, and I'd fall asleep with your fingers in my hair, your scent in my nose and your taste on my lips.

These are the moments I miss most. Quietness. Not that I don't miss the sex, mind you. I'd be lying if I said that. But I miss watching you sleep more. Sharing a laugh with you. Lounging around doing Astrophysics homework. Anything and everything. I'd take cleaning rocks in the Meditation Garden with you. Hells, I'd do anything if it meant I could be with you.

Most of the time, I try not to think about all this. It only comes over me at night, when it's dark and lonely and there's nothing to do. During the day, I mostly manage to bury thoughts under loads and loads of work. I'll say that for the moisture farm, there's always something to do. And when there's nothing to do, I make something up, if only to get away from the house at times.

Don't get me wrong, I like Tahl. Maybe even more than I'm comfortable with. But sometimes it's just too much. The pull between us. The call of the bond to be completed. Sometimes I feel her eyes wander over me and I can almost hear her think about me in her arms. In her bed. And I would lie again if I said I wasn't tempted. She's attractive, and after all, she's my soul mate.

But then I think of you, of my palm against yours as I promised my heart and my life to you, your body against mine, your lips, your smile, and I know there's a very good reason for not giving in, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts.

I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sorry I did what you feared most by leaving you, but I couldn't stay. Please understand that. Please, Force, help him understand that I couldn't stay, no matter how much I wanted to. I'm sorry for not calling. I'm so sorry being attracted to Tahl.

But no matter how much it might hurt, I can't be sorry I fell in love with you. I'll never be sorry I gave my heart to you.

I love you.

Quiggs

Dear Ben,

I dreamed about you last night. In itself that is not unusual, but this dream...

It was early morning, the suns hadn't yet risen. I felt something stir outside, so I got up and went outside to have a look.

You were standing there, just outside the perimeter evaporators, the desert wind mussing your hair. You were wearing only your sleep pants, as if you too had just risen from sleep to see what was going on outside.

I moved towards you, and you watched me come closer, your eyes wonderfully blue in the morning light. You didn't smile or move a muscle, but you watched me in utter concentration, like you used to do when we made love. Completely focused on me, as if nothing else existed or was of any importance.

I came towards you, close enough to touch, and still you didn't move, you only continued to look at me. You were so amazingly beautiful, every hair the way I remembered it, and yet you looked older, more serious.

I could have reached out to touch you, but I didn't. I was afraid that if I touched you, you'd shatter.

For a long time, I just looked at you, into your eyes, lost myself in that blue-green gaze. Your eyes were so full of love and longing. We didn't speak, but I'm not sure I would have heard you if you'd spoken. The wind picked up, and from far away, I heard the rumblings of thunder. We just stood there, unmoving, silent, looking at each other.

Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, it started to rain. Thick, fat drops of rain that fell onto your skin and into your hair, wetting you thoroughly. They trickled down your face and settled on your lips and I just had to lean in to lick them away. You leaned up to meet me and all at once we were kissing, devouring, tasting, licking, your hands fisting in my hair, me clawing at your back, and the rain falling, slicking your skin.

With a start, I woke up, still tasting the combined flavours of you and the rain on my tongue. You and the rain. The two things I miss most on this planet.

I don't know what this dream means. Maybe we're somehow still connected enough for you to reach out for me. Maybe I've turned prescient here. Maybe I just miss you.

It's been 125 days since I last saw you. I'm beginning to forget what you taste like, what your skin felt like under my fingertips, the exact colour of your eyes when you're angry or scared or just tired.

Maybe that's what the dream was all about. Making me remember. And I do remember it now, Ben. What you taste like. What you feel like.

I miss you. I hope you're well. It is selfish, I know, but somehow I hope you're dreaming too.

Love,
Quiggs

Ben Letters, Part 1

Qui-Gon,

It has been three months and two days since you left, but believe me, it feels a lot longer. I don't know where you are now, don't know if you're even alive. Of course you have to be alive! At least that's what I tell myself. I would feel it if you weren't, wouldn't I?

Why, Quiggs, why did you never contact me? I spend the first weeks hoping you'd come back, wishing for a call, for some sign of life from you. I expected you to simply sit in class one morning as if nothing had happened, Squicky on your shoulder, without explanation. That would be so you.

Maybe you'd be interested how life is at the Temple. Well, let's just say, everything is as it used to be. Master Yoda is still drilling me, Master Titulus still showers us with derogatory remarks. You might be delighted to hear that Seda and Dun are still an item. So are Lieth and Ronwe. Lieth was suspended from mission duty last week, because he made the stupid mistake to partake in wingracing and got himself caught. I guess he should be glad they didn't expel him from the Order for good this time. I don't know if you like to hear it, but Lieth is the only one who can handle Squicky, and Seda and I gladly turned him over into Lieth's hands. I don't know if it was such a good idea though. He is training the rat to participate in animal fights in the lower levels of Coruscant and from what I heard he is making a whole lot of money. I feel a bit bad for trusting Lieth with taking care of Squicky and I hope that when you return you get your rat back in one piece.

Seda sends her greetings and wishes to let you know that she received a holo from home, showing her little baby brother Han. "Two years old and already a scoundrel!", were her exact words if I remember correctly. Maybe you remember that she found her family a year ago while she spent two months on Corellia with Master Gallia. The Council is still angry that she managed to find them and get into contact with them. I guess they expected Seda would chose to stay with her family and not return to the Order.

I've just come back from a mission on Sullust and next thing I know is that Master Yoda and I will make our annual 'meditation break' (that's what he calls it, I call it 'living hell') on Dagobah.

Someone save me from that mudhole of a planet! He told me the silence and calm on Dagobah were exactly what I needed to collect myself right now. I doubt that. Dagobah looks very much like a place where I'm going to wallow in self-pity, except that I'm a Jedi and Jedi don't wallow in self-pity.

I wonder where the Force you are hiding in the galaxy. Knowing you, you might have gone to Corellia first, but I doubt you stayed there. The memory of Master Bur is probably too much to bear and so my guess is that you've found a planet where the Living Force is singing to you in every atom.

I hope you're happy where you are and life treats you kind. I can't wish for you to return to me, because it's not allowed to happen. My trust in the Force is not what it used to be. I'm still reeling with the concept of the Force standing in the way of our love.

But then, the Force is never black or white. Our separation has to make some sense and I hope that one day I'll figure out the reason and can make my peace with the Force.

I wish I could send this letter. Still, writing it feels a lot like a catharsis, a lot like meditation. It also makes me feel closer to you.

Wherever you are, please know that I'm not giving up. We will be together again, I promise.

Love,

Ben

Quiggs,

I thought about firsts a lot lately, also about lasts. The first time I saw you for instance. I was skimming the dancefloor in the Saltire for somebody I could take an interest in. There was something about your presence in the dark corner that instantly drew me towards you. I remember when you stepped out into the light and over to the bar, I saw that your nose was broken, the flesh shimmering in green, yellow and blue. You were so proud back then and you didn't want me. All I wanted was to get you into bed, to see if you were still as regal and proud when you were on your knees and begging for me.

I remember our first mission together, where I accompanied you and Master Windu. You weren't delighted when we were assigned our quarters on the transport and there was only one bunk. You insisted on sleeping on the floor, but soon gave up because it was hard and cold down there. It was the first time we slept in a bunk together. You threatened to shove something up my ass if I didn't stay clear of yours and you promised it wouldn't be pleasurable. I kept my promise that night, I didn't touch you.

The first time you smiled at me because of something I said that had amused you, and how you laughed then.

I remember the first time you kissed me, the way you suddenly tumbled me to the ground, your hands and mouth everywhere at once, so eager to please and receive pleasure in return. Of course I teased you when I realised that you wanted me back. I had been pining after you for over 6 months after all and you had never given a sign that you were only the slightest bit interested in me and then, that night when I left with some unknown stranger, you asked me to stay. I didn't know what to think back then, so I left you there with Seda in your drunken stupor. Afterwards I realised that you had kept me away from the Hunting Ground on purpose with those requests of help on slash- and-assault manoeuvres and Jedi philosophy papers.

A cherished memory, the first time we made love. I told you to look at me. I could see your amazement in your eyes, the glint and wide wonder in those dark blue pools. I remember how you tasted, like the sea breeze. Your cinnamon smell after we had had sex and were lying in bed together. I would stick my nose into your armpit and take a deep breath of your whiff. You always thought I was crazy. I wasn't. I wish I could bottle your smell and take a whiff out of it whenever I miss you the most. Sometimes I smell something that reminds me of you and memories will resurface, some of them almost forgotten.

And I remember our lasts. The last time we made love to each other, shortly before the Force divided us. The way you looked straddling me, the way your breath ghosted over my cheek, how your tongue darted out to lick dry lips.

I remember that last kiss, the one I forced out of the both of us with the pain flaring up in our limbs and heads. I remember taking a last look at you before I stepped into the Council chambers, not knowing what would await me there. I didn't know back then that it was the last I would see of you. You standing there, a pained smile playing on your lips, your face almost as white as the wall behind you. The only lively thing your eyes. I didn't realise it was goodbye then. If I had, I wouldn't have let you go.

There is an old proverb from Terra. Garen's Master told it to him once when Garen was particularly lovesick and Garen told it to me after you were gone. 'Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all'. This saw resembles something I said when we were discussing the future of our relationship after Yoda's prophecies surfaced for the first time. Remember that conversation? I said something about rather spending one happy day with you than a lifetime alone.

I still stand by my word, but I wish our days together weren't already over.

Love,
Ben

Dear Quiggs,

Five months, Qui-Gon. Five months and still no word from you. I never suspected we would be separated for so long and if somebody had told me we would at some point, I would have believed that living without you for so long was something that'd kill me. But here I am, still alive.

Alive, maybe in the common sense, but inside I'm dead. There's a vital part of me that left with you and I hope it's some consolation to you that this part is with you now. I'm writing now, because I can't go on like this. I can't wake up every morning missing you and I can't go to sleep at night mourning the fact that you're not there. You have to forgive me that I try to forget you, but it's the only thing that will keep me sane in the long run.

I wish I could be as strong as you. I always admired your strong belief in the Force and I cherished your faith in me, although I don't think I deserve it. I'd have followed you to the Outer Rim and back, a call from you, a notice, something, I'd leave everything behind to be with you. You knew why you didn't tell me where you are. You once told me that I was born to be a Jedi, to serve others and the Force and I'm flattered that you want to protect me from losing my path. In your eyes, my vocation was always worth the price of our love.

You gave me the greatest gift somebody could give another being in loving me and allowing me to love you in return. I never thought love like ours did exist until I met you. You showed me a whole new perspective of caring for another person. I found a good point even in your most prominent flaws, your stubbornness and your being outrageously thick-headed at times. I put up with Squicky when I wanted to strangle the ugly rat for all the times he pissed into my boots or gnawed a hole in my tunics. I loved you even more for being so stubborn, for defending your beliefs even in front of the council, for making your own way.

I know now what happened in front of the Council and I'm strangely proud that you didn't succumb to their orders. I don't know if you already regret leaving the Jedi, but I'm sure you will make your way on your own. Master Bur taught you a great deal about the Force, but what he also taught you was to stay true to your beliefs and dreams.

Believe it or not, I often daydreamed about going with you on missions once we were both knighted. I know we would have made an exceptional team. Now all this is in the past and I dare dream no more because it hurts too much to think of you. Every memory hurts and I can only hope that someday I can look back on our time together with fondness and not with bitterness. Even the most cherished memories are tainted with the bitter sting of loss and I try to keep them locked away because I can't think of you without remembering what I lost the day you left.

I remember seeing your ship leaving the Coruscant platform until it vanished from my sight and I still have trouble describing my feelings, although I can feel them whenever I remember it, like a wound that never really healed. Empty, that's maybe the best word to describe it. Empty and drained, as if all the warmth had left my body. There were no thoughts left in my brain, only a silent void. I can't recall how long I stood there, how long I stared up into the sky as if I expected you to come back any moment. After a while I was aware that Seda was standing next to me, a hand on my shoulder, softly talking to me. Her words didn't register. She led me inside, to my room where I sat numbly for what felt like hours. I felt catatonic, not able to move a limb. She didn't leave me alone that night, not even when my numbness turned into pain, not even when my mood shifted to anger and I raged and cursed you to all Seven Hells of the Sith.

Bant was there too, patiently waiting till my outburst was over. She was there the next morning I woke up. I probably fell asleep at some point, exhausted and drained. I don't know what I would have done without the two of them there. They dragged me through the next few days, making sure I ate and was present in class. Master Yoda spent a lot of time meditating with me, giving his silent support.

All their help couldn't chase away the void I felt, but their steady presence guided me through the worst. I have to admit I'm rather ashamed that I didn't care a lot about what was going on around me for the first days. It was as if somebody had put me into a vacuum, as if something had sucked out a vital part of me. The place where our lover's bond ached and still I can feel an echo of the pounding whenever I think of you.

It took a lot of strength to pull myself together again. My worst fears had come true, after all. But you see, I managed to go on. It doesn't hurt any less, though. I have my duties, my vocation but to achieve giving them my undivided attention, I have to let you go.

I have to let go of you, for my own sanity. I'm often thinking about this other person, the person you are destined to love and I hope she/he will find you and take away your pain as I hope that something will take away mine. I have a long journey before me and it seems unfair that I have to undertake it without you at my side, guarding my back, giving me the love and support I need. I have to learn to be on my own and I have to learn to take those steps without you.

A part of me will always stay with you, but I'll have to cover my wounds to keep breathing.

Obi-Wan

Qui-Gon,

Even if by now I know that I'll never send these letters, I haven't sent the first three, you see, I feel compelled to tell you. Maybe it doesn't even bother you, maybe your leaving without saying goodbye was your way of telling me to go on with my life. The past is in the past and we are destined to go our separate ways.

Yesterday Dun convinced me to go out with them. He said that my sad, bitter face was more than he could stand and I needed a distraction. I thought that maybe he was right. I haven't been out with the others for almost 8 months, not since we last went out with them, basically because I couldn't stand to see them still being happy couples while I'm without you.

After spending half the night at a tiny bar in the middle levels, we traversed to the Saltire Bar. Immediately my mind was filled with memories of you. Remember the last time we were there? We leaned in the dark shadows in the back, making out where nobody could see us, right at the spot where I saw you for the first time and you blew me off only minutes later.

The Saltire has stayed the same. It's still loud and noisy with blinding stroboscope lights, thick, smoky air, a place where one goes to get laid. I haven't been with anyone since we broke up. Well, technically we didn't. Technically we're still a couple. Sometimes I wonder if you've found someone else already, but the thought pains me too much, so I let it slip away quickly, trying to occupy my mind with other things. I'm not trying to think too much about you lately...

I had too much to drink yesterday evening and I drank on steadily while watching Ronwe and Lieth necking on the dancefloor, all big, bright smiles and shiny eyes. Their happiness so openly displayed made me crave something similar and in that moment, watching how they treated each other lovingly, those heated glances and promising smiles, I missed you more than ever.

I did a thing I haven't done since we started dating each other. Force, more than 4 years. We'd been an item for over 4 years and seriously, I never imagined life without you. I skimmed the crowd for somebody to ease my pain, to take away the despair of losing you, somebody to forget you, if only for a brief moment.

You would've thought I might have forgotten how to do it, how to hunt my prey, but apparently I haven't. Maybe you'd tell me what I did was all right, but I feel as if I've polluted that sacred memory of you, how you looked to me the last time we made love on that faithful morning before we decided to lifebond. It hurts to think about this day. We didn't know back then that we would be ripped apart so quickly and with such finality.

The boy I picked up reminded me of the night and of the boy when we were at the Hunting Ground so long ago. When I went to collect my credit chip you told me not to leave. I asked you why, but you couldn't give me a satisfying answer, so I left nonetheless. This time, there was nobody here to ask me to stay.

I took him home with me. It was shallow and unsatisfying and I didn't even come, maybe the reason was too much alcohol or simply the fact that I loathed myself while I did it. I have the feeling I betrayed you. I will never be able to think of you again without remembering my betrayal when I buried myself into a stranger's body whose mind meant nothing to me. I guess that's my worst crime in your eyes � betraying you with somebody who wasn't worth it, with somebody I didn't care about, somebody I felt nothing for, not even friendship.

Knowing you, you'd have dealt with it more easily if I'd fallen in love with somebody else. As it is, you'd be profoundly dissatisfied with me and would tell me that I haven't learned a thing from you. You'd be disappointed in me, and you have every right to be. I guess I'm not worthy of your love after all. I failed you.

He left immediately after I was finished with him, obviously sensing that something was amiss. I lay awake for hours in my rumpled sheets, staring at the ceiling numbly. His scent was all over me, so disturbingly different from yours, and I finally managed to get up and pad into the shower to wash it off my skin. I'd thought if I just went back to my old behaviour patterns, it would be easier to follow the advice of my friends and go on with my life. I was mistaken. He wasn't you.

I've long ago befriended the thought of never seeing you again. Now that the first of Yoda's prophecies has been fulfilled, I don't doubt that his second vision will come true as well. I tried to prepare myself for my destiny, even if I still have no idea what it is all about. I worked extra-hard on my Force abilities, my lightsaber technique and my classes. Master Yoda seems to be proud of me, even if he knows that I might not be giving so much thought to my training if it hadn't been for you leaving. They are talking about Knighting me early next year, can you believe it?

I probably should tell you that Master Windu has refused to take on another Padawan. He is still hoping that you'll come back into the Order. Nobody holds any grudge against you. I just wished you'd give a sign of life, some short note that tells us that you're alive and well. Probably it's good for me to not know where you are for now, because even if my rational mind tells me I shouldn't interfere with your destiny, I'd follow you. Even if it meant to never touch you again, to not be able to be in the same room with you without experiencing excruciating pain. No physical ache can hurt as much as the ache in my heart. I know now what they mean by "heartbroken" and "lovesick".

Getting over you is not easy and incidents like the one last night just tell me that I can't forget you, that I just can't stop loving you out of pure force of will. The anger I felt after you left has turned into pain. I don't know which of those emotions is easier to bear, but I'd rather hurt than be angry with you.

Yesterday proved that I have no chance of getting over you and that I can only hope the pain will fade to a dull ache as time goes by.

I still love you and I guess I'll never stop, even if this love kills me. And believe me, it does. Slowly, but steadily.

Ben

Interlude

The comm line chimed and Seda groaned. It was just after dawn, for crying out loud. Who would call her at this hour?

Her head felt like a flock of mynocks nested in it. She'd drunk far too much Corellian whisky last night, but it had been worth the hangover to see Obi-Wan smile again. She hadn't seen him leave, but since he hadn't come back to the Temple with them, she assumed he had found his own amusement.

That thought saddened her as much as it relieved her. She was glad that Obi-Wan finally seemed to move on, but it made her sad that he'd apparently given up hope that Qui-Gon would return and Seda had very much wanted Qui-Gon to return.

She missed Qui-Gon. With his leaving she'd lost her closest friend and confidant, the one person who had always understood her. She had also been the only one who knew about his relationship with Obi-Wan, so she'd been the person Obi-Wan had turned to when Qui-Gon left. She was now closer to Obi-Wan than ever, but she still missed Qui-Gon. She pulled the blanket over her head when the comm line chimed again. Whoever the Sith the caller was, he was obstinate for sure. If only Adi wasn't away right now, she'd take the call.

Muttering curses under her breath when the adamant caller didn't give up, she crawled out of bed, almost crawled to the comm-unit and pressed the accept button. "Hello Seda."

Seda was suddenly wide awake and completely sober. Her chin dropped as she stared at the person on the other end of the line. "Qui-Gon?"

Qui-Gon looked at her diffidently. "Yes. How are you?"

Was this really happening? Seda cast her senses inward. Yes, she was awake, and she hadn't been that drunk, and she certainly wasn't hallucinating. Well, then, it was time to start some serious yelling. "How am I? Is that all? You leave us completely in the dark about your whereabouts for six months, you don't even send us a bloody line saying, 'Hey, I'm still alive', and then you call completely out of the blue and ask how I am? How do you think I am, Jinn?"

He looked down, unable to meet her eyes, and almost whispered the answer. "Pissed off?"

"Precisely. And also damned glad to see you, Jinn."

Qui-Gon's eyes flew up to hers and they broke into identical grins of relief.

His grin faded quickly, however. "I'm sorry I didn't call for so long, but I had to get my feet back on the ground. Besides, I didn't have much money and renting a long-range transmitter is expensive around here."

She scrutinised him for a few silent moments. There were shadows under his eyes and his gaze was sad, dulled, no longer the vivacious blue glitter she remembered so well. "Don't get me wrong, Qui-Gon, but you don't look like you've got your feet back on the ground. You look like you're still falling, in fact."

He shrugged. "Well, I'm trying my best." "Where are you anyway?"

Qui-Gon shook his head. "It's better that you don't know, believe me." His meaning was clear. If she knew, she might be persuaded to tell Obi-Wan, and if she did, there was no telling what the other Padawan would do.

When he spoke next, Qui-Gon's voice sounded hesitant. "How is... everybody?"

She sighed. "Everybody...is fine, considering the circumstances. Alive and well. There is even talk about knighting...everybody...soon."

Qui-Gon didn't reply, he just looked down at the comm unit.

"Qui-Gon, why don't you call him? It's obvious that you'd rather talk to him." Seda tried not to sound hurt.

He looked up again. "I can't call him, Seda. He'd rip me a new one, and then he'd demand that I tell him where I am. And we'd both say things we really don't need to hear right now. I don't want him to hate me even more than he already does."

"Hate you?" Had she heard right? "Qui-Gon, he couldn't hate you if he tried. He misses you. He's miserable, and so are you, I can tell."

Qui-Gon sighed. "Well, I'm not at my best, but please don't tell him that. Just tell him that I'm still alive and kicking. And...no, that's all. Anything else he knows." He seemed close to tears, but made a visible effort to pull himself together. "Now tell me about your news. How is Dun? And Bant? And what does Squicky do to make all your lives more difficult?"

She smiled. "Dun's good. He'll face his Trials in the fall."

Qui-Gon smiled. "That's wonderful, Seda. Tell him I'm proud of him."

"Bant's still seeing Akoa, although she constantly talks about how much he annoys her. Squicky lives with Lieth now."

"What? You let my poor rat alone with that maniac?" Qui-Gon exclaimed, shocked.

"Poor rat, right! Poor me, more likely. I had to take care of that thing after you were gone, after all. I couldn't leave him with Obi- Wan. It went well for a week, then your 'poor rat' went berserk on me and almost cost me an eye. We decided then that the only one of us crazy enough to deal with that son of a Sith was Lieth. He has a death wish, after all. So Squicky went to live with Leith, to Ronwe's dismay. Squicky and Lieth get along very well, but Ronwe still curses your name every time we speak of you."

Qui-Gon's smile faded. "Seda, do you..."

"What?"

"Do you think... is he still angry with me?" Seda sighed. "To be perfectly honest, I don't know. He doesn't talk too much about you. Doesn't talk much of anything, really. He's not very sociable lately, but then again, he's working very hard. Trying to forget, I think." She briefly considered telling Qui-Gon about last night, but dropped the thought almost immediately. No reason to make his life any more difficult.

"So tell me about you, Qui-Gon. How are you? What are you doing now?"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "I'm all right, or at least I'm getting there. I'm learning to live without...being a Jedi."

Seda gave her friend a sad smile. "I miss you. We all miss you."

"I miss you too. I wish I could come back, but it's impossible for now."

She nodded. "I know. And Obi-Wan knows too, he just doesn't want to admit it."

Qui-Gon smiled wistfully. "He always was a stubborn one."

"Yes, but that's why we love him."

She immediately regretted her words, but Qui-Gon's smile didn't fade, he only nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "I guess you're right."

A light blinked on his side of the console. "Seda, I have to go, my time is nearly up. I'll try to get in touch soon, but like I said, comm time is expensive around here."

Seda touched her palm to the screen and Qui-Gon did the same, creating the illusion of touch. "Take care of yourself, Jinn. Always remember that we all love you." She looked into his blue eyes and blinked back tears. She could see him do the same.

"Take care, Seda. Tell Obi-Wan that I'm all right and that I miss him. I love you, Seda. Say hi to the others. Goodbye."

The screen went black and Seda allowed her tears to fall.

Oh, she missed that man who had become like a big brother to her in the five years he'd lived among them. She'd always looked up to Qui- Gon, even secretly envied him sometimes. Seda loved Dun and she was happy with him, but she knew that her relationship with him - albeit passionate and loving - couldn't compare to what Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had shared. Their relationship had been a grand passion, hers was by comparison - ordinary.

But on the other hand, she was happy and settled with Dun, while Qui- Gon and Obi-Wan were half a galaxy apart, both bleeding from wounds the naked eye couldn't see.

She sighed. What was she supposed to tell Obi-Wan? 'Your ex called, he says hi and he's fine. How he looks? Like all Sith hells. All that pining after you must be hard on him. Where he is? Didn't tell me, he doesn't want you to find out. He fears you might do something stupid if you knew.'

Well, that was certainly a conversation she was looking forward to.

Longingly, she looked at her bed. Maybe it wasn't too late to crawl back into it and start the day anew.

Letters Quiggs, Part 2

Dear Ben,

I'm still alive, but then if I know Seda at all, you've already heard that. Force, it was good to see her and talk to her. I'm glad I finally found the courage to call home and let you all know I'm still alive.

Even though we're half a galaxy apart, I know you're angry as surely as if you were in the next room. I know you're angry because I called Seda and not you, but don't you see that it was difficult enough to call her? Calling you completely out of the blue just because I'm needy and half-crazy with missing you and worrying about you and feeling guilty isn't very fair on you and only makes this harder. Just add it to the lists of things I'm deeply sorry for and hope you'll forgive me for.

It was so good to talk to Seda, to hear about our friends. I called Master Windu too. I felt guilty for not having given him a sign of life in over half a year, and talking to him did me no end of good. He gave me wonderful advice. He really is a wonderful man, my Master. He'll never be a father like Master Rob was to me, but other than you and Seda, he was the best friend I had back on Coruscant. The most difficult thing about our relationship was having to lie to him about it. It was the one thing I would have changed if it had been possible.

Tahl gave me all shades of Sith hell for spending all the money I earned since I got here on the time at the long-range transmitter, but it was worth it just to hear how you're doing. Master Windu tells me you'll be a Knight soon. I'm so proud of you. I'm sure you'll fulfil every ounce of the promise you show as a Jedi. You'll be a glorious Jedi Knight and I envy your future colleagues and Padawans for being able to share this life with you. But then again, I envy everybody who is allowed to be near you.

Master Windu's news of you cheered me up. Seda's did not. She told me that you're miserable, that you miss me, and while I'm selfish enough to be glad that you miss me, I hate it that you're unhappy. Ben, I so wish I could do something to make you feel better, but I know I can't.

To tell you the truth, right now I can't make myself feel better, much less cheer up anyone else. If I hadn't had the money for the transmitter, I'd have stolen it. I needed to talk to Seda and Master Windu more than I can tell you. I needed to see people who loved me no matter what I do. I wanted nothing more than to fall into your arms and never surface again, but I couldn't call you any more than I could travel back to Coruscant. I'm not sure I could have looked at you after what happened last night with Tahl.

My love, I don't know how to say this, never thought I'd have to find the words for it, but last night I almost broke my promise to you.

Yesterday, Tahl and I brought in the harvest from the eastern fields. We worked hard the whole day, and I was glad of it, because it helped me not to think about what day it was yesterday. After the Tatooine calendar, it was exactly five years ago that we first kissed.

Do you remember the day? I was hung-over and mad with jealousy because I thought you had spent the night with some nameless boy toy, but you hadn't, had in fact sent him home because you really only wanted me, and when I realised that you were still in love with me, I kissed you. And you kissed me back. And I never looked back from then on.

I was desperately trying not to think about that day while bringing in the harvest, and as long as there was work to do, I succeeded. But when evening came, all was quiet and there was nothing left for me to do.

So I sat in the common room of the farm house and tried to read a report on crop prices when really all I could think about was how your hair smelled that day, and how your lips tasted under mine that first time and how much in love I was with you that day, and how it had still been but a shadow of what I felt for you when we parted.

Tahl came in from the kitchen and saw me stare at the report and rub my shoulders, so she went over to me and started to massage my aching back. She told me that she'd noticed how sad I was and how she'd listen if I wanted to talk about it.

Then she leaned down and brushed a strand of hair from my eyes. She was so close and so warm and the bond pulled me in, whispering to me how I was stupid to hope for what could never be again and how I should take what life has to offer me. Live in the Moment.

It was tempting, her lips looked so warm and inviting, and I leaned in a fraction and she leaned in a fraction and our lips met. And suddenly I was kissing her, and she was kissing me, fisting my hair, and I was pulling at her clothes to get her closer, and for a fraction of a moment I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in the present and bury my aching heart under the promise of the bond. But then she made a small sound that was almost a whimper and I remembered the sound you made when I kissed you for the first time, that mix between a growl and a purr I loved so much, and I pushed her back and almost fled the room.

I went out into the desert and sat in the cold night, staring at the stars, looking for Coruscant's sun among the thousands of pin pricks of light, as if life would be easier if I could at least see the sun you were orbiting.

I don't know how long I sat there in silence, trying to get a grip on the enormity of what I had just almost done, and praying for the millionth time that you'd forgive my moment of weakness if I ever saw you again, when Tahl found me.

She sat next to me and put a blanket around my shoulders. She didn't ask any questions, but I could feel that she didn't understand why I was so reluctant to complete the bond between us. I felt that I owed her at least a partial explanation. So I told her a fragment of the whole truth. "I...left a part of myself on Coruscant. I'm not ready to give that part up."

I know she was still confused, but it was all the explanation I was ready to give, so she accepted it and told me she'd wait until I was ready. After all, we had the rest of our lives together.

The finality and the conviction with which she said that made me sick to my stomach. I'm not prepared to just accept that. I won't bow to the fates, no matter how determined they are to tear us apart. I gave my heart to you, I promised you I'd lifebond with you, spend all my life with you, and I have no intention of breaking that promise, not now, not ever.

But after what happened last night, after the finality of Tahl's words, I had to do something to convince myself that there was still something out there that was mine and not fate's, that there was a Qui-Gon outside of what Tahl saw in me, that there were people who loved me and missed me and that I was in fact not alone with only Tahl to cling to. So I called Coruscant. I would have given both my arms to talk to you, but that would have been incredibly selfish, to lay all my guilt and fear at your doorstep when you have enough of your own pain to deal with. But I had to know at that moment that you still existed, that there was still something there to return to when I finally find a way to do so.

It's been 183 days since I last saw you. Words can't express how much I miss you. Today more than ever before. I'm glad you're at least physically well. I hope you'll forgive me my cowardice. I count the days until we meet again. I look forward to relearning all the colours your eyes can take on. I can't wait to take you in my arms again and reassure myself of the smell of your hair, the taste of your lips. I long for the moment when I once again hear you tell me that you love me.

Sometimes at night, I imagine the last day we spent together. I visualise the expression in your eyes when you told me that you'd love me for as long as you lived, that I'd be in your heart forever, and I treasure the memory like the talisman I left with you. I call on it now, as a shield against temptation. I can't imagine doing anything that might betray that look and your words to me.

My heart remains with you.

Love, forever,
Quiggs

Dear Ben,

it's been a long time since I last wrote to you, but it's not like you'll ever read these letters anyway, so what does it matter. I wish I could tell you that I'm well, but the truth is, I've never been unhappier in my life than I've been these last three months.

Every day I spend in this lonely wasteland takes me farther away from you, farther away from hope that I'll ever see you again. Still, I cling to hope. I go out into the desert to meditate, and I beg the Force to let me go back to you. But the Force doesn't seem to care about what I want. Neither does fate, it seems. Sometimes it feels like nobody cares, but then I remember that you, at least, always cared. I remember the endless days and nights when you gave yourself over to me, completely trusting, telling me in more than words that whatever I wanted from you was mine, and mine alone.

It seems redundant to tell you that I miss you. I do, so much. It's been 236 days since I last saw you and it hurts. It hurts so much, love, that I can't seem to get out of bed at times. But I force myself to get up, to work and talk and even smile as if my heart wasn't turning to dust and ashes in my chest.

Time is passing slowly here, but with every second that ticks by, you drift farther from me. Will you even recognise me when we finally meet again? Will I recognise you? Will you look at me and ask yourself what you ever saw in me? Will everything we once shared be claimed by time?

No. I refuse to believe that. I know you. I know myself. I will love you until death. I will love you even if it kills me. It very well might. Sometimes I feel like dying, anyway.

Gods, will you listen to me. You can tell I meditate on self-pity a lot lately. I'm just glad I'll never send this letter anyway, so you won't be bothered by my wallowing in misery.

I haven't written one of these letters in three months, mainly because nothing happened in these months, nothing except moisture farming, resisting another slip-up with Tahl and desperate unhappiness. Why am I writing now? Because yesterday, something happened.

I'd had a very bad nightmare that night, one where I watched while you cradled my dead body and cried. I woke up screaming, cold sweat on my skin. I could still see the agony on your face, still hear your quiet whimpers as you cried. I couldn't go back to sleep, and it was almost dawn anyway, so I went outside to do some katas.

The one thing I truly love about this place is the strength and clarity of the Living Force. It's beautiful in it's untainted power. I slid into trance easily and performed Master Ti'la's Meditation to the Rising Sun.

You taught me that kata. I remember your hands on me when you showed me the movements. You were one of three people in the Order who knew that kata, other than Ti'la. I remember when you introduced me to her; I couldn't believe that this age-old yet eternally young fairy creature had once been a Jedi. But she was, and listening to her curse in Dagobese robbed me of so many illusions. I remembered wondering if every one of Yoda's Padawans learned so many Dagobese swearwords. She was the one who gave you the data pad and suggested you show me the kata. The next few days we spent every free minute in the training halls, practising the kata. It was a perfect excuse to spend time together. We always worked until night and we always, always ended up making love right then and there, on the floor of the training room.

I remembered all that as I let myself fall into the kata, suspended in time. I felt so close to the Force, I felt like I could almost reach out and touch you. But the kata ended, the Force receded and I was alone once again. The suns had already risen and dried the tears on my face.

Tahl came up to me silently, wiping the tear from my face. She'd watched me the whole time, from a distance, not wanting to disturb me. I could feel her eyes on me, wandering over my body, and I could feel that she thought I was beautiful, desirable, and when our eyes met, I felt the spark there. She leaned in, but I backed away, flinching from her touch when she wanted to lay her hand on my arm. I could feel that she was hurt, but she didn't say anything, just turned and went back to the house. She left me standing there, and gods know I felt like a bastard.

Gods help me, I know she loves me, and I feel so sorry for her, but what can I do? I always go on about how fate isn't fair to me, well, it's not fair to Tahl either. She deserves better than a destined mate who desperately longs for another. She deserves to be loved in return. But my love isn't mine to give anymore, and I can't be sorry for it.

But the least I could do was tell her the truth. I owed her at least that. She's not to blame for what happened, she didn't have any more choice than I did. The least thing I can do for her is to show enough character to tell her why I continue to push her away. I resolved I would tell her that night.

But she was quicker than I was. She came to me while I was sitting on the bench before the house to watch the suns set and asked me if she could join me. I said yes, and for a while, we just sat there, watching the suns vanish over the edge of the horizon.

Then she broke the silence. "Whatever it is, I want you to know that you can tell me. I'll understand."

I sighed. "Are you sure you want to know?"

She smiled sadly and said, "I'm not sure I want to know, but I feel that I have to."

I nodded. She was right, of course. She had to know. But where should I start? I briefly contemplated telling her the whole story, about how we met and fell in love, but I found I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to share my memories of you with her. I wanted to keep you to myself. So I stuck with the minimum of truth. "I... have a past."

She frowned, not understanding. "Well, so do I. Both of us had a life before we met, and both of us had other lovers, so what's the problem."

I shook my head. She didn't get this at all, did she? "I didn't have lovers. I had a lover."

She was still frowning, and it was apparent I had to be more blunt. "I didn't have affairs, I had a relationship." 'I had a partner, a lover, a best friend all rolled in one person and I had to leave him because of you.' But of course I didn't tell her that last bit.

She looked at me, and finally she seemed to understand. She swallowed. "How long were you together?"

"Four and a half years." And I treasure every second. But I didn't tell her that, she looked stricken enough as it was.

It took her a while to process that information. The suns were almost gone when she asked her next question. "Do you mind if I ask when and why you broke up?"

Damn. What could I say to that? I looked at her for a long time, her eyes were anxious but hopeful. I don't know why, but suddenly I wanted her to hurt, just as much as I did, and so I told her the truth. "We didn't break up. I had to leave because we tried to life bond and the Force didn't allow it. I never wanted to leave, I had to."

She swallowed and finally seemed to understand the depth of the problem, for she looked like I'd plunged a knife to her gut. "You wanted to life bond with her?"

"Him. I wanted to life bond with him."

"Him? You were...you're... it was a man?"

Sith, I swear to all the gods at that moment I almost laughed. She sounded so shocked. Was it any worse that I'm in love with a man than it would have been with a woman? I must remind myself again and again that Tahl doesn't know you, or at least that she only saw you once and therefore can't appreciate how delicious you are. I've hardly ever met anyone who didn't want to sleep with you, sexual orientation aside.

Anyway, back to Tahl. She was shocked, stunned and quite clearly hurt. I didn't really know what to say. I'd already said everything there was to say after all.

It was completely dark and the lights had gone on at the perimeter and inside the house when she spoke again. She took a deep breath and turned to me with a mixture of hope and dread shining in her eyes. "I understand that this must be difficult for you. But it is in the past. You must let it go, Qui-Gon. You will always hold him in your heart, but he is your past. I'm your future. We're the future."

I think you wouldn't blame me if I confess to you that I wanted to hit her very badly at that point. Doesn't she understand? I can't let you go. I don't want to. Ever.

I tried to speak, but she just went on, rambling, trying to convince herself as much as me. "We were meant for each other, after all. We're made for each other. We're so good together. I know you feel that too."

I winced, for she had a point.

"You will get over it, I know it. You just need some time to look to the future and not the past." She looked at my eyes with a faint smile. "I think you can learn to love me if you try. After all, I'm your soul mate. I'm everything you need."

I closed my eyes. I know what I said next was cruel even before it left my mouth, but I needed to make her see. "But you can't be him."

I didn't stay to see how she reacted. I just stood up and went back to my bedroom, sat on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

I know she means well and I also know she doesn't understand, but her presumption left me speechless. She doesn't understand what we shared, how much I love and need you, how deeply connected we were. She can't know how much your love means to me. Before I met you, only Master Rob really loved me, and his love was that of a father for his son, it was a matter of course that he loved me. But you...that you saw something in me, something desirable, something worth loving, meant more to me than I ever told you. It took me a long time to really believe you loved me. And now I will never stop believing in our love, no matter what Tahl thinks or hopes. I will not give up, I will not let go, and I will surely not stop loving you.

What I said to her is true. She might be everything fate thought I needed. She might be what I would have wanted at another time in my life. But she can never be enough now. She can never be you.

My love, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I long to talk to you, to tell you all about my troubles and to hear yours. I miss you so much as a lover, but I think I miss you even more as my friend. I am so very lonely here in this endless desert, my only company a woman who thinks she's right for me but who doesn't know my heart at all. I'm only glad I don't have the nerve or the money to bother you with my self-pity. But I know if you read this you'd scoff at the notion of my confessions ever bothering you, and you'd be right, but I can't help but feel you must be troubled enough by your own burdens, even though I know you probably long to share my burdens as I long to share yours.

I'm sorry. I know I should stop apologising all the time. Almost seems it's the only thing I do in these letters. But I can't help it. I'm sorry for the hope that runs through my fingers like sand, slowly eroding and unwilling to stay. I cling to my belief in you and our love, but I admit to you, I am beginning to lose my certainty that one day we will meet again. Hope is fragile and hard to find some days. But I carry on. I keep my promise. I won't give in to fate. I swear it.

I love you. I miss you. I want to be with you more than anything.

Yours with all my heart,
Quiggs

Dear Ben,

It's been a long time since my last letter. Almost three months. In another six days, it will be a year since I saw you. A year, Ben. A Sith-be-damned year. And I'm still here in the middle of nowhere, Tatooine, and you're still so far away that my insides hurt. And once again, I pick up my pen and data pad to write you a letter I will never send to you. Why do I keep at this? I don't know. Maybe to make myself believe that there is still hope.

I had another near-miss yesterday. It was after dinner, Tahl and I were sitting outside and talked about nothing in particular. My lips were dry, so I licked them, and suddenly she was there, kissing me, straddling my hips. For a moment I was tempted to give in and kiss her back, but then I came to my senses and pushed her away, a bit too forcefully, and she fell back into the sand and looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes I almost apologised. But she had practically assaulted me, so I kept quiet.

She sat back up and wiped the sand from her dress, then she looked at me and said, "You know it's really hard to compete with a memory."

Then she went back in and once again I was struck with how little she understands. The question whether she'd prefer it if you were here was at the tip of my tongue, but I held it back.

I wonder what she would think of you if she ever met you. Then again, she did meet you, and she wasn't very impressed with you if I recall it correctly. I think she called you 'milk-face'. But if she really knew you, she'd like you. I'm sure of it. Everybody likes you.

Well, except me when we first met. But it's not so much that I didn't like you, it's more that I didn't understand you. I never met anyone like you before. Or after, for that matter. Your easy confidence, the nonchalance with which you offered yourself to me, all that confused me. But what confused me the most was that I wanted to take you up on that offer. I'd never felt that before. Or after.

Oh, I wanted you. It took me a while to like you, though. I started to like you that night you found me and comforted me as I sat in the gardens, crying for Master Rob. I still remember that look in your eyes when you offered yourself again, this time as a friend. I didn't say no to that. I would have been an idiot to say no to that. But then again, most people thought I was an idiot for saying no to your sexual offer. Never you, though. I remember you telling me that you were glad I said no the first time, glad we became friends before we were lovers.

Tahl doesn't understand all that. She can't understand that there is no competition over my heart. It's already decided.

Still, I felt the lingering arousal from having kissed her. The call of the bond. And as I meditated last night, I saw it clearly and with a finality that made my insides hurt. One day, not long from now, I will give in. My resolve will break. I will follow the pull of the bond and will complete it. I will give to Tahl what I only gave to you. I will break my vows to you. And you will fade. The feel of you, the place you hold in my heart, all will fade and you will be no more than a faint memory.

It hurts. The mere thought of letting go of what we had is unbearable. Yet I know it will happen. Someday, sooner or later, I will have to let go. But I can't. Not yet. I don't know if I can deal with the very thought. We went to Mos Eisley this morning for supplies, and I resolved to put my fears at rest and call you, to look at you and reassure myself that there was still hope, still reason for me to cling to the fading hope of us.

I scratched together the money for ten minutes comm time. Hid it from Tahl. She wouldn't approve, but who cares.

I wasn't sure if I'd have the nerve to actually do it, to call you. The entire drive to Mos Eisley I thought about what I should tell you, how I'd open the conversation. I knew you'd spend most of the ten minutes yelling at me, so I prepared to cut you off and tell you what I needed to tell you in less than two minutes.

Turned out all my preparations were pointless. We arrived in Mos Eisley and the first thing I saw there was a tattoo booth. Do you know why they're called tattoos? Because the best artists in the Galaxy come from Tatooine.

The moment my eyes fell on the booth, I knew. That was it. I spent all my money on three letters, in the ancient Jedi script, on the small of my back. Three letters. Ben.

Even if I give in to the call of the bond tomorrow, I want a part of me to always belong to you. You still hold my heart and my body and my soul, but if I succumb to temptation to give away what is yours, I want a part of me to be out of reach, out of my hands. Even if it is only a small patch of skin, it belongs to you now. Forever. Even I can't give it away.

If anyone ever told you that getting a tattoo doesn't hurt, they lied. I feel every inch of the letters burn on my back. But I like that they hurt. They resemble the hurt in my heart that also bears your name.

I do not think I will write you another letter. The three on my back are enough. I sold my last datapad for the tattoo. This one is nearly full. And even if it wasn't, I couldn't continue to write these letters I won't send anyway. It's the lifeline to a hope I no longer have.

I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan. I'm sorry about everything. About my cowardice, about never calling and never sending any of these letters.

I love you more than I can ever tell you. I dream of you still. I will continue to do so until the day I can no longer fight destiny. I pray this day is far away, even tough I feel it is not. I will hold out as long as I can bear it. I promise you that.

Goodbye, my love.

Quiggs

Letters Ben, Part 2

Why, Quiggs, why now? Why call now? Why call Seda and not me? You always had a great sense of timing. Why didn't you call earlier? Force, it has been half a year, 6 months, too many weeks and days and hours and minutes and seconds. Why did you choose this time to call Seda?

I gave you the promise to wait for you, and both of us knew that our promise wasn't meant in a sexual way, but I betrayed you last night. I betrayed you and to make matters worse, to increase my guilt trip which is a lot to bear on its own, you suddenly decide to give a sign that you're still out there, still thinking of me. What irony! As if I wasn't hurting from the fact that I slept with someone else alone, you have to come barging into my life again.

You called Seda, and then you called Master Windu. I guess you're not surprised that I found out so quickly. News always travelled fast in the Temple.

I met Seda for lunch in the cafeteria and when I looked at her face, I knew. I simply knew. She had that look on her face that tells you she is keeping something from you, but she wants to tell you, even if her rational mind suggests she shouldn't. I cornered her in the queue for dessert and she spilled.

I still can't describe how I felt the moment her words were out.

"If you absolutely need to know," she said, "Qui-Gon called me this morning."

I was staring at her dumbstruck, my mouth probably agape, trying to process that new information. My first question was after your well- being. My second question was about your whereabouts. My third question was, had you asked for me?

Oh yes, you'd asked how I was and Seda told you. But don't you know everything changed last night? Everything changed and I don't know how I will find the strength to ever look into your eyes again. I've given up hope to ever see you again, I had taken the first step to a life without you, to separate myself from the dreams we shared. It was the first conscious decision about our relationship I made after you left. Before yesterday night, it was wallowing in self-pity. It's not important if I made the right decision, for it surely isn't the right thing to do, to give up hope and take the first person who crosses my way into bed with me.

But I made a tiring effort to leave you behind, against everything we promised each other. I'm not so shallow to believe it didn't take a lot of bravery to just do that. Take a last look at you and what we had and then step forward, because there is somebody whose words I've always cared about and he'd once told me to live in the moment.

Two weeks ago I went to the unused room in the Knights' quarters where we used to meet. The moment I opened the door memories came crashing down on me. I believe I still can hear echoes of your laughter there. Somebody was in there and took off the sheets, scraped the spots of spilled wax from the sideboards, but you � we � are still there. Our combined Force presence is still present in those rooms like a memory that's still attached to the place and refuses to leave. I didn't realise I cried before I felt the salty taste of tears on my lips.

I sat down on the bed and it creaked under my weight. Despite my tears I had to laugh, remembering how you complained once that somebody would someday pick up on the noise we made and would barge into the room, finding us there. The damned bed, you said, would be our downfall and the end of our hiding.

I remember that night. We both had snuck out of the quarters we shared with our Masters and you were a little late, because Master Windu had refused to go to bed. You brought a bottle of Alderaanian wine, hoping Master Windu wouldn't notice if one was missing and we sat on the bed, back to the wall, drinking straight from the bottle. I said something that made you laugh and you snorted, wine spilling from your mouth, trickling down your chin. I leapt in, licking the drop off your chin, almost knocking the bottle over.

We undressed each other with fumbling fingers and you poured wine into my navel, laughing when I jumped at its coldness. You slurped the wine right out of my navel, delighting yourself in producing farting noises on my skin once you were finished. We were both a little drunk on the heavy green wine and were probably behaving like idiots, trying to find places on each others bodies where we were especially ticklish. The bottle tipped over in the end, leaving us both drenched with the wine's heady, sweet aroma. At that point we found everything amusing, even the creaking sounds of the mattress below us. I don't think anyone ever tried to make music with the creaking from a mattress while having sex and I think we laughed more than we moaned.

Fine Padawans we are, you said after we were too exhausted to think of another way to bring each other pleasure, when we were lying in each other's arms, our bodies sticky with sweat, wine and semen. We would be expelled from the Order if somebody found out, I admitted and my serious tone had you in fits again. Not even Hutts are such swines, look at you, we have to take care of your appearance, you remarked, sliding down my body to lick the sticky evidence of our combined juices off my stomach, claiming the combination of flavours was certainly addictive and how even our flavours mingled exceptionally. I don't know if I slapped or kissed you for that naughty remark. Probably the latter.

There is still a faded greenish stain on the wall next to the bed in the form of a handprint.

I stayed in that room for a long time, probably really crying for the first time since you left and somehow the tears were a relief. I decided, after all that talk about needing to go on, to finally take the next step, necessarily a step away from you.

Now I'd given something that belongs to you to another, somebody not worthy of that gift. Just when I think you're gone for good, just when I thought that I'd never hear from you again, you come back to remind me of something long lost and all the pain and hurt and anger flares up anew.

Seda told me you missed me. Oh, you don't know how much I miss you. Loving you and missing you became one feeling when you left. I still sleep close to the wall as if I need to leave a space in my bed for you. I still wake up at nights, reaching for your presence only to touch a cold, empty void next to me. I still only need to close my eyes and see you before me. Sometimes I imagine I hear your voice inside my head, as if you're still here to gently guide me even from a distance.

I tried to fool myself into believing I was able to forget you, but now I know I can't. Maybe I have to live with the pain inside me.

I can't give my heart to anyone else. It belongs to you and will so, until we meet again.

I love you, I guess I always will.

Ben

I miss you, I miss you so much. I wish you were here so I could beat some sense into that stubborn skull of yours and then fall into your arms and kiss you senseless.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning with the memory of your arms around me, holding me while I sleep. And it must have been sleep, because you're still not there when I open my eyes and look at the empty space in bed next to me. Sometimes the dreams about you are so vivid that I can taste and smell you, your scent in my nostrils. Last night I dreamt you were standing next to my bed, looking down at me, not reaching out to touch me, just standing there with your arms hanging at your side, your gaze skimming over my sleeping body. Then you took a step forward, but instead of getting into bed with me and wrapping your arms around me, you crouched down and studied my face. I could feel your warm breath wash over my skin, could hear your soft breathing in my ears.

I woke up but no one was there, not the dark blue eyes I expected to look into, and I stared into the darkness, feeling more alone than ever.

Sometimes I dream I see you in the distance, but when I try to raise my feet, I can't move them. You're standing there far away, beckoning me to come to you, but I'm not able to. It's like my feet are glued to the ground. You're not moving yourself. We're just standing there, staring at each other and as much as I cry out your name, you never show a sign that you hear me.

And then, sometimes, I dream that we're on a mission together. That's the worst dream. We're on a mission and we're fighting something evil. I'm never able to make out what we are fighting against. The only thing I remember is that the evil is black and red. Black and red clouds of fog. No face, no body. And every time the same happens. We get separated and you have to fight the evil thing alone and when I manage to close up to you, there is this barrier and suddenly my feet are glued to the ground again. I can't take a step, my feet are not moving and I have to watch as you defend yourself. You're fighting like a real Jedi, like a warrior, every move perfection, every step calculated. And still, I have to watch as you are consumed by the evil and I can't do anything against it. I'm standing there, behind a barrier I can't see and there you are, lying bleeding on the ground. It's then when I'm able to move and I draw my lightsaber and the evil thing is upon me. I slice through it and it vanishes like a ghost, like something that was never there. I'm running towards you, throwing myself next to you on the ground. Blood is trickling from your lips and you try to speak, but you're already too weak.

It's then when I always wake up, crying and alone in my bed. And it's then when I can't stand the thought of you out there on your own, can't stand not knowing where you are and if you're all right.

Damn you for not telling me where you are. Damn you for not contacting me.

You always were a stubborn bastard. Take care of yourself, hear me?

Obi-Wan

Quiggs,

I can't believe almost a year has gone by since I last spoke to you. A year is a very long time, isn't it? And still those years spent with you passed by so fast. I guess I'm calmer now, more centred in the Force than ever. I haven't written to you for a long long time now, although the need to do so arose once or twice. I squashed the urge to put down my thoughts onto paper, knowing these letters will never reach you.

Why am I writing now, you might want to ask, and rightfully so. I can't really explain it, but I feel something coming. A storm maybe. A huge sandstorm that will swipe me away.

An adventure lies ahead, I can feel it. There is something about the future that speaks of change.

Why do you seem so certain that something will happen?, you ask.

I can't tell you the answer, because the future is never clear.

You sound like Yoda.

You're right. You remember all those visions I had over the years? With my Master's help I tried to develop my ability to analyse them. It's more like a feeling, like an itch at the back of my neck. I can't put those visions into words, but I feel a shift in the Force. A huge shift. A storm.

Why are you telling me? What does it have to do with me?

Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. I'm dreaming about you more often than ever and every time I see you, you vanish behind a cloud of fine, crystalline sand. The sand is whirling around you in the air, and you raise a hand to your face, shielding your eyes from the rough grains. You're looking at something, but you can't see it clearly through the thick of the sandy clouds. Your hair is blowing in the wind, it's down to your shoulders, almost as long as when we first met.

The sand, the sand is ubiquitous. It's everywhere and you are there, amid of the sea of sand. The storm is raging, throwing you almost off your feet, but you stand your ground, still searching, still squinting your eyes.

I'm there in the sandstorm with you. The storm is bringing us back together and then it draws us apart again and I lose you in the chaos. The flying sand makes my eyes blind and when I manage to open them, you are gone.

Yes, a huge storm is coming and it's going to swipe us away and turn everything upside down. It will turn everything into its antipode. Nothing will be certain anymore, not even the Force. Not even the Fates.

There is this old Jedi legend, a legend about the Fates and how the guide a men's life.

Clotho, who spins the thread of life. Lachesis, who measures and chooses the lot in life a man will leave. Atropos, who will cut the thread of life in the end.

The threads so carefully woven will unravel and will be put together anew, forming a new life.

I'm writing this while I'm on the transport which takes me to my next mission with Master Yoda. Your riverstone is sitting next to me on the desk. I carry it wherever I go, the one part of you that is left to me. It's glowing.

Since I have been briefed, the visions are getting stronger. It's there on this mission where I'll get my answers.

We're on our way to meet representatives of the Trade Federation to settle a dispute concerning the trade blockade of the small planet of Naboo...

TBC in Fates - Atropos, coming soon...