Master Apprentice
Archive
Corellian F40
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Archive: M_A, yes please
Category: Humour, Crossover, Q/O
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: It's big George's, big Disney's and great E.'s stuff, I know, hooo-hooot :>( (symbol for a depressed owl)
Summary: With a mix of satisfaction and hangover, the Committee on Education meets again to allocate some spacecraft
Notes: A sequel to "The Apple Incident". Little Owls are weird, but not without mercy. Therefore, once Obi stops wallowing in self-pity, he's going to have fun in this one.
Feedback: yes please, any comments welcome
Thanks to: Big owlish thanks to Tem-ve for beta-reading. No Captain Barbossa on board today, I promise! Any mistakes left are mine.
"The committee is not about execution, but education, Padawan."
"Uh... yes, Master, sorry. And I know I have to apologize, but it's so extremely embarrassing!"
Qui-Gon laid his hands on his apprentice's shoulders: "Look at me, Obi-Wan."
The young man did, his frown becoming obvious.
"Someone fed you an aphrodisiac, and your body responded to it, that's all," Qui-Gon said in his most reassuring voice. "You did, what a Jedi is supposed to do with unwanted feelings, and you could not know that these feelings, released into the Force, were so strong that even non-Force-sensitives were affected. It was a mean trick played on you, and you didn't blow up the session intentionally. The Senators will understand."
Obi-Wan sighed. "I hope so, Master." He watched the doors of the conference room, as if they would open to the headquarters of the Sith.
Qui-Gon gave his beloved Padawan's shoulders an encouraging squeeze. "You will do well, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan nodded half-heartedly -- and froze.
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! And Captain Jack Sparrow DOES NOT apologize!"
"Do or do not, but don't expect me to go into that session alone!" Senator Turner gave the chain in his right hand a rude pull. "Oh... good morning." He greeted the Jedi Master with a nod. "And good morning to you, Sir." He bowed before Obi-Wan. "Are you the one who suffered from the apples?"
"Well, you can't call it suffering!" Captain Sparrow crooned, greeting Obi-Wan with a leer.
Qui-Gon felt his apprentice gather all his composure not to choke the strangely clad man with the kohl-smeared eyes.
"Unwanted lust can also be suffering, Captain," he said sternly, pointing at the crude gadget with a chain that secured Sparrow's hands in front of his body. "What's all this then?"
"Irons," said Senator Turner.
The bell rang.
Obi-Wan took a deep breath to centre himself.
Senator Turner took a deep breath to meet the unavoidable.
Captain Sparrow snarled.
And Qui-Gon Jinn did his best to look like the stern Jedi Master he pretended to be.
"Before today's session begins, Senator William Turner of the Caribbean planets wants to make a statement. As does Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi of the Jedi Order." The chairman waved his claws in direction of the speaker's desk, "Senator Turner, please."
Though he should have been seated next to Master Yoda, Qui-Gon stayed at Obi-Wan's side. He scanned the members of the committee. Behind their tired faces he saw satisfaction and an enhancement in the Living Force of all the beings; only Senator Palpatine seemed to suffer from a really nasty case of nausea.
Senator Turner wasn't able to look behind the surface he saw. And on the surface the Senators looked worn out, bleary-eyed, and stern.
Brave boy, Qui-Gon thought, he expects them to eat him alive, but doesn't flinch...
Senator Turner stepped up to the speaker's desk. "Honourable members of the Senate Committee on Education," he said, and his voice steadied with every word, "just as every member of the Senate, I was informed by the office of Chancellor Valorum that yesterday there was a disturbance of your proceedings caused by some emotional effects which the Chancellor thinks the Jedi are responsible for."
A murmur started in the room.
"I have to inform you that that is not true." Senator Turner frowned. "The delegation of the Caribbean planets has caused your discomfiture..."
Someone giggled.
Some chuckles answered.
"Well, 'discomfiture'...?" someone asked.
Senator Turner's face turned pink.
"My aide, the representative of the planet Tartoogah," he pointed at Sparrow, who had the cheek to bow with a broad grin before the audience, "played a dirty trick on Padawan..."
"Kenobi," said Padawan added.
"...Padawan Kenobi by giving him a fruit that contained a strong aphrodisiac." He was at a loss to explain the events further, so Obi-Wan stepped up beside him.
"I want to apologize, venerable Senators and delegates," he said and bowed, "but I wasn't aware of that particular feature of the fruit. When the effect occurred, I tried to release my inappropriate feelings into the Force, but..." He faltered, very much aware of the smiles and smirks he saw blossoming everywhere.
"...we all got the idea of having a hot shower and some hotter action," added the Secretary for Education with a wishful glance at Jedi Master Jinn.
"Shower," a felinoid Senator hissed with indignation. "Do you think we're so perverted as to think of showers!" Her voice dropped to a purr. "Dark alleys, that's a seductive location!"
"Alleys?" A Toydarian wrinkled his nose. "Alleys lead to nothing! A nice, warm swamp, that's it!"
"Eew, stinking swamps! Ever made love in our deserts at sunset?"
"Deserts? Don't be ridiculous! Have you ever seen the woods of Corellia at dawn, and you're lying on your back, while your lover..."
"Please! Dear colleagues!" The chairman rang the bell to stop the interruptions, and a collective sigh ended in silence.
"I'm really sorry." Obi-Wan hung his head.
"No, no, good boys," a tiny voice twittered and a very small feathered being climbed on its desk to be seen by all. "We on the planet Canaria are a dying population because nobody is interested in procreation very much these days. The effects of your fruits are wonderful, and I would like to buy them all."
"You?" the felinoid hissed, "Of course we need them!"
"WE WANT THEM!" A Wookiee jumped up.
"Don't forget Toydaria, you roaring carpet!"
"You could make tons of credits off them on Corellia!"
"Ladies, Gentlemen and Gentlebeings!" The chairman rang the bell again, this time with more vigour, "These are economical issues you should negotiate with Senator Turner in his office." He addressed the two young humans at the speaker's desk. "I accept your apologies, Senator Turner, Padawan Kenobi, and would like to proceed with today's..."
"Ahem, sorry, Sir, good ol' Will forgot one thing to mention concerning the apple fruits." Captain Sparrow wriggled his way between Obi-Wan and Senator Turner, "We have a minor problem with the shipping..."
"How come?"
"Well..." The Captain clasped his hands and cocked his head, "Due to the ice cream deal with the Wookiees all our freighter space is occupied." He batted his eyelashes. "We would need some additional transport capacity."
"WE SEND YOU FREIGHTERS IF WE GET THE FRUITS, ALL OF THEM!" the head of the Wookiee delegation offered.
"Oh no!" the little Canarian delegate shrieked. "Oh no, we'll pay much more for the fruits!"
"Well, concerning the price, we'll talk later." Captain Sparrow raised his hands. "There is that supply-and-demand thingy, you now... "
The Canarian delegate hopped up and down on its desk in despair. "Weren't there some spacecraft here at our disposal?" it chirruped, scanning its datapad.
"Yes. Item 635: Spacecraft as donation in kind," read the felinoid, "Supposed to go to the Jedi Temple and to an organisation Senator Palpatine is headmaster of."
"The Jedi will just give us trouble about spare parts," snorted the Toydarian delegate, "and Senator Palpatine hasn't presented the list of his students' names yet. Therefore I propose to give the freighters to the Caribbean Senator!" He raised his hand. "I call a vote!"
Hands, claws, wings und tentacles rose.
"I can't believe I'm helping Barbossa again!" hissed Senator Turner to Captain Sparrow who thanked the delegates with a cheerful grin and some tangled gestures of thanks that looked somewhat awkward because he was still in chains.
"All's fair in love and raising the gross national product," he said under his breath, presenting the irons, "If you'll be so kind, Will?"
The chairman counted the yes votes. "Anyone against that deal?" He glanced around. "Only Senator Palpatine of Naboo... Gentlemen," he turned to the Caribbeans, "You've got the spacecraft." On the lobbyists' benches a little Jedi Master hung his ears.
"Thank you very much!" Captain Sparrow, now free of his irons, threw his hands in the air, "Let's have a party tonight! Drinks all around!"
Later that evening
"Master! You can't expect me to go to a party thrown by these rogues!"
"We were invited as guests of honour by the Senator, Obi-Wan."
"But that... dirty bastard Sparrow will probably put something in our drinks... or it will be otherwise mortifying," he finished, somewhat lamely.
"Is it fear I'm sensing behind that inappropriate language, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan inhaled sharply. "Master, I'm not afraid to follow you into any battle...," he started.
"No." Qui-Gon approached him, cupped his chin to stop the excuses and gave his Padawan an encouraging kiss. "Then regard it as a war zone mission and stick to our ration packs while I destroy their supplies of alcohol."
"Master, you are not taking me seriously!"
"Obi-Wan, you're whining like an initiate!"
Obi-Wan lowered his eyes. "Yes," he admitted with a sigh, "It's..." Another sigh -- as heavy as the weight of the whole galaxy.
Qui-Gon enfolded him in his arms, bent down to nuzzle Obi-Wan's neck. "What's the problem, Padawan?"
"That Captain Sparrow," was the reluctant answer.
"And what's the problem with Captain Sparrow?" Qui-Gon sent as much encouragement and reassurance through their training bond as he could muster at the moment, because a part of his brain was busy with rising hormone levels, blood pressure and body temperature.
"When I first saw him, I thought, 'hey, how cool', but he's such a despicable rogue... I'm more than a little ashamed of just of much I misjudged his character."
"We've met rogues much worse than him, Padawan." Qui-Gon kissed and suckled Obi-Wan's earlobe. Force, make the boy stop worrying and want to go to bed with me! Or onto the couch. Or under the shower...
"But all that aside... beside him I still can't help feeling..."
"Hmm?"
"Uncool."
"Uncool?" Qui-Gon looked up, "You compare yourself with a small-time criminal and think you're 'uncool'?"
Obi-Wan looked at his Master in misery. And nodded.
"Oh my, Obi!" Now Qui-Gon sighed. Stars above, this was turning out to be a severe case of Padawan crankiness! "The Force save me from having someone like him for an apprentice instead of you!" he assured, "I would get seasick just watching him walk!"
"But his walk is ..." Obi-Wan couldn't help blushing, and his face spoke of utmost despair.
"...sexy?" Qui-Gon prodded.
The pink on his Padawan's cheeks deepened to crimson. "Uh...er, somehow, in a certain sense, not that I mean..."
"Not that you mean that a Jedi should move like this..." Qui-Gon let him go and sauntered swayingly through their living room, swinging his hips, adding some twists with his hands, throwing his arms in the air and announcing with an over-excited voice, "Drinks all around!"
The things we do for our Padawans! Qui-Gon thought with a lop-sided grin about himself.
When he turned around, his Padawan had disappeared.
From behind the sofa came choked noises like from a Rancor dying of asthma. "Mas... Mast... Waaa.... wanna.... want-to-see..."
"What do you want to see, Padawan?" Qui-Gon knelt onto the sofa, watching his giggling and squirming Padawan with a grin.
"Want to see... Mas... Master Wiihiii...ndu's face... when... when you..."
Qui-Gon filed that idea away for the next time he would meet Mace on a corridor without witnesses. "There's nothing in the Code against a silly walk, Padawan, believe me," he said earnestly, then stretched out his hand. "So, my love, now that you know how mortifyingly uncool your lover can behave, would you accompany him to that party?"
They heard the steel drums already four floors above. There was light, music and an almost palpable mist of alcohol. Senatorial assistants danced in the hallway, and only two protocol droids who were just fleeing up the corridor showed no signs of having fun.
"This is going to be an orgy," Obi-Wan remarked dryly after finally freeing himself from a sparsely clad girl who had made her proposals with an Alderaanian accent.
"What's the problem?" Master Jinn replied. He nodded his regards to the Secretary for Education who held a big green fruit in her hands and drank out of it with a straw.
//Stars above!// Obi-Wan shuddered. //This thing is three times the size of the apple fruits!//
"Ask them to make you some Piņa Coladas, too," the minister recommended. "They're really nice." Her voice slurred a little bit, and the drink smelled strongly of liquor. "The best part, however, you've already missed, dear Master Jinn: the available apples are all sold out."
"We didn't have the intention to buy some."
"Ah, Master Jinn, come on, everybody knows that you Jedi aren't as prudish as you act in public..."
"It's not about being prudish!" mocked the Toydarian and raised his glass with a blue cocktail. "The Jedi never have enough money in their pockets, that's all!"
"Don't be insulting, dear colleague," purred the felinoid after a sip of something red on the rocks. "By the way, that little Senator isn't a businessman. Establishing a top price and quota was really silly. If he had set up an auction he would be richer than most Hutts by now."
"Yeah, but he said something about 'social scruples', that moron!" The Toydarian giggled and coughed. "Maybe he's establishing a new political movement, some kind of 'socialism' or 'scruplism'! Giving away the apples for five hundred credits a piece! Ha! He could have gotten three times as much..."
"Five hundred!" Obi-Wan blurted. "That's a profit margin you'd only find in drugs dealing!"
"Well, an aphrodisiac as strong as this is a kind of life-style drug, Padawan." //So you've had an expensive lunch yesterday, my dear.//
//Don't remind me...//
"There you are!" Senator Turner was beaming happily, but forced himself to behave more seriously. "Of course I'm sorry that you didn't get the freighters for your Order, but..." He looked around for his companion. "Come into my office and let me get you some drinks!"
To their surprise, the Jedi noticed that the usually plain and utilitarian office had been converted into a bar.
Qui-Gon saw Obi-Wan scanning the room warily for Captain Sparrow and detected him at the other end of the room. A dark skinned woman backhanded the aide across the face. It looked painful.
"Padawan, gloating doesn't become a Jedi!"
"I'm sorry, Master."
"Don't mind that," Senator Turner shrugged, "He'll tell you he deserved it." He waved Sparrow to come to him and then - more politely - summoned a blonde barmaid with a tray full of drinks and cocktails. Her service uniform didn't fit her. The red jacket with rows of golden buttons was too wide for her shoulders, and the white tight trousers were made for a shorter person. Nevertheless she moved with attitude and style.
"What do you want?" she smiled. "Rum? Rum on the rocks? Straw rum? Straw rum on the rocks? White rum? White rum on the rocks? Or some cocktails?"
Qui-Gon wondered briefly about her golden medallion with the skull design, then he chose something white.
"Oh no," she laughed. "That's for beings who can't digest alcohol: just juice and cream!"
"Sounds wonderful, as long as it isn't apple juice," said Obi-Wan.
"No, it isn't," she assured. "No side effects, just vitamins."
Qui-Gon handed the drink to his thankful Padawan.
"Try this." She gave Qui-Gon a glass full of a brown liquid. "My favourite brand. Even knocks out Captain Jack." She gave Senator Turner a drink of the same kind and went away as said Captain approached.
Captain Sparrow was even more half-seas-over than he looked normally, but he managed to bow without tumbling over.
"Jack, where's the key card?" asked Senator Turner.
"Which key card?"
"That key card!" Turner's voice became menacing.
"Oh, that key card!" Sparrow cooled his cheek with a bottle of rum and stared intently at the ceiling.
"Yes! That key card! Now!"
"Okay, okay, but with such a bleak outlook on utility you won't go far! 'Take what you can get. Give nothing back', that's the motto, savvy! By the way, the lad will never learn how to commandeer a spacecraft, if we make things that easy for him."
"Jack!" Senator Turner tapped his foot on the floor. Very impatiently.
The ex-pirate moaned and pulled a key card out of his pocket. He looked sadly at it and handed it to Obi-Wan, "Here, luv. Have fun."
"What is it?" Obi-Wan turned the plastic chip in his fingers.
"One of the spacecraft the committee gave us has no cargo compartment." Senator Turner explained. "We thought..."
"You thought!" Sparrow muttered, scowling.
"I thought we should give it to you in compensation for the trouble we caused you." Senator Turner raised his drink. "As Jack said: have fun!"
"What kind of spacecraft is it?" Obi-Wan asked, half wary, half enthusiastic, scanning in his mind the spacecraft types he knew that came without cargo space.
"That's a surprise." Senator Turner smiled. "The number on the chip is its position in the Senate hangar."
"Little Gods and engine damage! You are the new owner of that thing!?" The mechanic in charge of hangar deck 57b, a sturdy human female in her late forties, whistled through her teeth.
"What kind of 'thing' is it?" Obi-Wan asked.
"You don't know? Won it at a charity lottery or what?" She laughed aloud. "Come on, boy, I'll show you."
She led the two Jedi through the hangar. "As far as I know, the drug department confiscated that craft from a Hutt," she said. "It's in really good shape, the gangster toad probably never managed to squeeze its ass into it. That cute little Caribbean senator and his boyfriend had a trip in it this afternoon, but it has been checked and refueled and is ready to take off."
She walked with long strides through the gigantic building.
"Excuse me, Madam, whose spacecraft is this?" Qui-Gon stopped in front of a huge black ship. It was so big that it almost touched the ceiling of the hangar.
"That's the Black Hole, the yacht of that Caribbean drag queen."
"That's no yacht, Madam, that's a destroyer!" Qui-Gon counted the laser torpedo hatches and other signs of weapon systems of the battleship which loomed darkly over cruisers and freighters. "Such a ship could blast the whole Republic merchant navy."
She shrugged and went on, "Threats to the public order are your problem, Jedi, not mine. Come over here, boy. This one is yours!"
Still calculating amounts of ammunitions, Qui-Gon suddenly heard his Padawan squeak in excitement. "Ooooh! Master! Look!"
His normally composed Obi-Wan nearly bounced with joy, and through their training bond Qui-Gon felt that his Padawan's enormous glee was caused by something red and really flat.
"A Corellian F40, Master!" Obi-Wan shouted. "From the famous Fer'Ahri's plant!"
"Yup," the mechanic confirmed. "Tell me, boy, normally I don't date schoolboys, but... got any plans for next weekend?"
But Obi-Wan didn't hear. He opened the speeder's hatch with the key card and slipped into the cockpit. "Master, come in and have a look at that!"
"No cargo compartment, indeed." Qui-Gon smiled and shielded. Soon enough he would have to remind his beloved that a Jedi had no private property. At least not of such value.
Obi-Wan looked up as if he had sensed the thought, and his enthusiasm faded. "I can't keep it, Master, can I?"
Qui-Gon folded himself into the co-pilot seat. "Well, as your Master I have to tell you that you can't keep it. The Temple will sell it or exchange it for several training spacecraft better suited for flying lessons... and tall Masters."
"And as my lover?" Obi-Wan was obviously still a tad uncomfortable referring to his new position in his Master's life. "Or as a friend?"
"As your lover and friend I will not say that, because your lover and friend is pleased to see you having fun with such a fine spacecraft -- and he would therefore come into conflict with your Master."
Obi-Wan nodded and stroked over the control panels. The look on his face became as sad as Captain Sparrow's when the pirate had finally handed over the key card.
"As -- as Mace puts it -- the Council's Greatest Annoyance, however," continued Qui-Gon after a short time of musing, "I have the bad feeling that this little toy won't be sold for quite a while and we see Master Gallia or Master Windu racing around in it. The seat might also suit a certain little green Master better than me."
A forced smile appeared on Obi-Wan's face.
Qui-Gon stroked his lover's cheek. "Therefore, the Council's Greatest Annoyance recommends not to accept this gift. Considering Captain Sparrow's heartbroken face, one could easily negotiate an agreement with him that involves him staying the owner and a certain Padawan having permission to use the speeder during his stays on Coruscant. But that would be a deal your Master has no knowledge of."
"Oh, Master!" Obi-Wan flung his arms around Qui-Gon's neck. "I mean: Greatest Annoyance!"
The Jedi Master couldn't help chuckling at the passionate kiss that followed.
"What?" asked Obi-Wan, gasping for air.
"Nothing, just..." He winked at Obi-Wan, "I always asked myself what in the whole wide galaxy would make you act against the Code!"
Obi-Wan had the decorum to look ashamed.
"But it's an F40!" He chewed on his lower lip.
"Yes. So why don't you do the pre-flight check?"
--the end--