by Fionnabair (fionnabair@freeuk.com) and Aeshna
(aeshna@kelmaith.demon.co.uk)
Archive: MA, all others please ask
Spoilers: None for canon. A few for assorted list sibs'
work.
Disclaimers: If only.
Pairing: Ummm, everyone loves Obi?
Rating: R for commentary I suppose, but we're letting the
household innocent read this one...
Summary: Qui-Gon is called before the Council to explain his
Padawan's behaviour.
Dedication: This one is dedicated to Smitty's incredibly tarty
plushy Obi-Wan who whammys everyone into going "ahhh" when they
see him.
Acknowledgements: This one's for Clarence, who showed us the
way. Blame it all on too much house renovation, and start
dreading what it's going to be like when Smitty finally moves
in with Fi.
"Master Jinn."
"Yes, masters?" Qui-Gon Jinn surveyed the assembled Jedi
Council with a serene glance.
"Your Padawan." Mace Windu, as was his wont, got straight to
the point. "How is his health?"
"His health? He's fine," replied Qui-Gon.
"No ill effects from recent... misadventures?" probed Yarael
Poof.
"None."
"Despite the brothel he was sold to on Habitat V?"
"None. I rescued him before any real damage could be done. He
was rather shocked, but then he's had a sheltered upbringing."
"Indeed," commented Depa Billaba. "And then he was immediately
kidnapped again and sold as a pleasure slave to the ruling
house of Ikea Prime?"
"Indeed, but fortunately the Chief Assembler had a strict
prohibition about deflowering virgin Jedi during a full moon,
and thanks to the five moons of Ikea Prime, there is always a
full moon in the sky."
"Virgin?" asked the normally silent Yaddle in a sceptical tone.
"Obi-Wan is a fast talker," Qui-Gon assured her.
"But then you actually sold him to the pleasure domes of
BeeanKu? The notorious pleasure domes where the slaves are
expected to perform in public?"
"The mission demanded it."
"With," Eeth Koth consulted a list. "A Hutt, two Toydarians,
three Neimoidians, four Dugs and five golden rings?"
"It was a tough mission," the tall Jedi assured the Council. "I
have utter faith in Obi-Wan's integrity and ability to fulfil
the most challenging of missions."
"With minimal backup, it seems," commented Adi Gallia. "For
despite your posing as the wealthiest, most decadent and
hedonistic aristocrat in the galaxy, you managed to miss
bidding for Obi-Wan at the subsequent auction, and he was sold
to Senator Palpatine, who, I should add, is surviving on a
civil servant's salary, with no added bonuses, yet he was able
to afford to purchase your Padawan as a pleasure slave."
Qui-Gon suddenly found the floor fascinating as he rubbed one
booted foot against the other.
"And," added Saesee Tinn, "when the Senator, through pure
altruism, freed Obi-Wan, your Padawan's sole method of earning
passage back to Coruscant was by whoring his body to all
comers. All this was despite the fact that the Senator kindly
dropped Obi-Wan a mere two blocks from the Temple. I believe it
took him six months to return to us."
"Any other Master would have ensured that his Padawan at least
knew how to tend bar or bus tables for those tricky moments
when money is in short supply. You, on the other hand, appear
to have taught your Padawan how to give head," commented Eeth
Koth.
"Yes," murmured Qui-Gon and Ki-Adi-Mundi in happy agreement.
Both shifted guiltily when the entire Council looked across at
them.
"And so it comes to this," said Oppo Rancisis sternly. "Your
Padawan, now that he has returned to his home base at the
Temple, has acquired certain habits that are disruptive to the
serenity of the Jedi Order."
"That is irrelevant," said Even Piell sternly. "His habits are
beyond the purses of most Jedi."
"And even if one can afford them, there is a long waiting
list," added Plo Koon. "Great Mills, Qui-Gon, don't you see the
damage he is causing to the Jedi Order?"
"Not to mention," added Mace, "the fact that we have received
several enthusiastic offers to buy him from..." once again a
list was consulted, "Jabba the Hutt, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul,
Senator Palpatine (despite the fact that we have banned double
bids), Chancellor Valorum, Lott Dod, Nute Gunray, Captain
Panaka of the Naboo Royal Bodyguard, the collective handmaidens
of the Naboo Royal Court, Gasgano, Boss Nass, Jar-Jar Binks,
Sio Bibble, Queen Amidala of the Naboo, and the mother of some
annoying little slave brat on Tatooine, who has explained that
she didn't get to have any fun during the conception and thus
feels she's entitled to some hot Padawan stud action."
"And," interjected Depa Billaba, "it is written on the walls of
men's lavatories around Coruscant, 'For A Good Time, Call
Obi-Wan Kenobi at Jedi Temple 4761'."
"How do you know?" asked a curious Yaddle.
"Don't be fooled by my meek traditional appearance," hissed the
Council member at her colleague. "I'll tell you later." Yaddle
nodded sagely.
"Anyway, to return to the point," reiterated Ki-Adi-Mundi.
"Your Padawan's extra-curricular activities are causing the
Jedi extreme embarrassment and are bringing the Order into
ill-repute."
"Especially as we're not getting a cut of the profits," added
Adi Gallia. "We're not a charity, you know, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon nodded. "You are right, masters. I will curb Obi-Wan's
activities immediately." He bowed.
Yoda moved in his seat, adjusting himself carefully.
"Qui-Gon," he called as the tall Jedi Master was taking his
leave. "Curb until Friday night you must not. Afternoon
appointment with Obi-Wan have I. Do it all, we must."
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