Notes: 1) 'Evol' needs to be read so that it sounds like
'evil'. Don't worry, all will be clear by the end. 2) This is
slightly AU, mostly Obi acts more impulsively than he would
normally. Big thank yous to LizR and Fox for betaing for me. :)
Of course, anything that is wrong is my fault.
Feedback: Sure, to wintermoon@telus.net.
At first Obi-Wan had been hurt. He had run from the living room
and flung the door closed behind him. The door hit the frame
with a load crack, the noise startling him and setting his
heart racing. He wished that he could cry, but years of
training had driven that emotion from him. He wished that he
could scream, but found that no sound could escape his throat.
Qui-Gon had not followed him and Obi-Wan had not expected to be
followed. Jedi stoicism at its finest. Obi-Wan stood in the
middle of his room and seethed with the bitter hurtful anger of
someone who had just had his heart torn from his body and his
life destroyed.
Obi-Wan had known for several years that he was completely and
hopelessly in love with his master. It was not the type of
infatuation that teenage boys were so often subject to; it was
the obsessive type of love that took root deep in your heart
and never let go. The type of love that could make people do
things they never imagined they would. Finally, after months of
agony, Obi-Wan had decided to confront Qui-Gon with his
feelings. The fear of anger and the fear of hurt had held his
tongue, but with his knighting approaching, Obi-Wan could no
longer stay silent.
Soon events would lead them either to part forever or to form
some new type of relationship that would see them together into
the future. Obi-Wan had needed to speak, to share the entirety
of his heart with his master. He could no longer keep it only
within himself. And so Obi-Wan had told Qui-Gon that he needed
to speak with him.
It had been strange, revealing that part of himself that he had
kept hidden for so many years. It was also oddly liberating. As
Obi-Wan spoke, Qui-Gon had sat with no expression on his face,
the calm Jedi façade completely intact. When Obi-Wan was
finished, Qui-Gon had sat observing him for a minute, then
sighed softly and began to speak. He spoke in a tone of voice
that Obi-Wan recognized from too many diplomatic missions, the
voice that was meant to soothe the hurt even as it was being
inflicted.
Qui-Gon had spoken of their age difference, of the duty that a
master has to his padawan even after the padawan's knighting,
and of his lack of similar feelings for Obi-Wan. If Qui-Gon had
only spoken of the first two things, Obi-Wan could have handled
it. He could have constructed hope for himself. Hope that he
could convince his master that their age difference was
irrelevant or that his duty after Obi-Wan's knighting didn't
preclude a relationship.
Obi-Wan had yelled then, had told his master to speak to him as
a man and not as a diplomat. He was devastated. All his agony,
all his worry, all the years and months of his life wasted on
something that would never be. Something tore inside him and
all the anger he had ever felt came pouring out of him and onto
Qui-Gon. And Qui-Gon had done nothing but speak to Obi-Wan in
that frustratingly soothing voice of his, telling his padawan
that everything would be okay, that they could move past this.
No, Obi-Wan thought suddenly, this could never be moved past.
His heart was torn, his soul was sore, and he had nothing left
inside of himself to give. As he stood in his room, his anger
seething around him, he felt that anger turn slowly and surely
turning into hate. Hate for Qui-Gon, hate for the Jedi, hate
for everything. His world was over. He could not go on in this
life.
It only took a moment for Obi-Wan to make up his mind. He did
not have much that he wanted to take with him. He grabbed his
travel bag and shoved his clothing into it. Jedi did not
collect the trinkets of life that other people seemed to, and
the few items that he did have would only remind him of
Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan left his lightsaber on his desk. Right in the
middle where Qui-Gon couldn't help but see it, where it would
hurt the other man the most.
When he was finished, Obi-Wan didn't look back. He simply
shouldered his bag and stalked out of the room. The purpose in
his stride stopped Qui-Gon from saying anything to him, from
trying to convince his padawan to stay after his heart had been
lost. Obi-Wan stopped at the door to their quarters and turned
around. Qui-Gon looked up at him then and Obi-Wan met his
master's eyes.
"Did you know, Master," Obi-Wan sneered, "that love spelled
backwards is 'evol'?"
He didn't wait for an answer; he simply turned and walked out
the door. Later Qui-Gon would swear that as Obi-Wan had spoken,
he had seen the young man's eyes briefly flash golden yellow.
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