Rating: uh....PG?
Category: Pure and unadulterated Angst
Archive: MA Archive and then anyone else please ask
Feedback: I'll take the good, the bad and the ugly just please
off list.
Disclaimer: Last I checked slavery was illegal in the known
universe.
Meaning I don't own them. The song is by Melissa Etheridge.
Summary: Obi-Wan has something he needs to say.
BIg HUGE thanks to my beta Flip. She is truly the greatest beta
on the planet. Not only does she grammer my stuff, but she
encourages me, and holds my hand, and gives me a swift kick in
the rectum when I need it. So this is for you Flippy!!
{You looked like father
You felt like mother
My mind told my heart
There is no other}
I don't remember my first thought about you. Maybe it was in
the crèche, maybe later. I do know that I've had you in
my thoughts in one way or another for most of my life. First
you were like the others. Someone very tall that we were told
would answer all our questions. You sometimes came to class and
looked us over. You paid particular attention to the older
kids. The ones that were ready to begin a new life. The ones
that were desperate to be your apprentice.
When I was a small initiate I didn't understand. Not exactly. I
knew you were there, and I knew that you would take one of the
students away if they were lucky. I'd seen it enough times with
other masters. What I didn't understand was why you never took
a student away. Oh there were all sorts of stories running
around. Stories of how you'd had to kill your last apprentice.
Or how your last apprentice had died heroically in battle,
saving your life and you vowed to never discredit his memory by
taking another apprentice. It was amazing how many of those
stories dealt with Xanatos' death.
I knew that I wanted to be your apprentice as soon as I first
saw you. I don't know if I saw something that no one else did,
but I wanted to be your apprentice because...well, you're going
to think it's stupid, but I wanted to be your apprentice so
that I could take away that sad, haunted look in your eyes.
Don't get me wrong; I wanted to be a Jedi more than life
itself. But I wanted to be your apprentice to make you
happy again.
The best day of my life was when you took me as you Padawan.
Not because of all the hard work it entailed, or even that I
was going to be a Jedi when it looked like my life was over.
No, it was the happiest day of my life because it gave me a
chance to do what I'd been craving since I first saw you
looking over those initiates. It gave me a chance to get close
to you and clear all that misery and self-appointed guilt. I
vowed I would be the perfect apprentice. That I would do
everything in my power to make you happy again. And that would
be enough for me.
{And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
And I gave you my skin
And my original sin}
What I didn't realize was what that would do to me. I didn't
realize that you weren't ready to let go of Xanatos; no matter
how hard I tried. I would complete a kata that Jedi three times
my age were just starting and all I'd get was a nod. That was
it. Just a nod, and maybe, just maybe I'd get a "Good job." You
have no idea how I longed for those simple words. I tried so
hard. I had to be the best in everything, and it showed. I'm
not being egotistic here, Master. I was just that good. Further
along in my combat skills than all the other Padawans and quite
a few of the Knights. There were very few that would take me on
in diplomacy either, Master. And all because of you.
I don't know when it happened. When being a Jedi hinged on your
approval, but it happened. One day I decided that if I couldn't
erase Xanatos from your mind then I didn't deserve to be a
Jedi. Oh, how that hurt. Because I just knew that I wasn't good
enough. I didn't see what everyone else saw. What I saw was a
pathetic Padawan that couldn't even make his own master proud
of him.
No one seemed to understand either. If I tried to tell Bant,
she just scoffed at me. Ok, maybe not scoff, but she wouldn't
believe me. She'd start telling me how wonderful I was, and how
I'd probably be the first Padawan in four generations to make
Knight by the age of 20. She was probably right, Bant usually
is. I couldn't see it. All I could see was that you were still
haunted by the man that betrayed you over 20 years ago. Yes
Master, it's been that long.
{Ain't that enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I love you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you}
I don't know what else I could have done. Everything I had was
yours. You owned me in ways a slaver never could. I craved your
words, your touch. Everything of me was wrapped up in you. I
think, no I know, that had you asked me not to breathe, I would
have done it, or died trying. I would have done anything for
you. I don't understand why you didn't see it, but you didn't.
Maybe it was Xanatos; maybe it was my one flare of disobedience
back on Melida/Daan. Whatever it was, you took it to heart and
never let me in.
Do you know what that's like, Master? I didn't even know what I
was doing until Reeft pointed it out. He was the one that told
me, told me that I was hopelessly in love with you. I
didn't see it, not that way. Not until he told me, and I
started seeing it from the outside. The way I mooned over you,
protected you from the Council or tried at any rate. The way I
willingly gave up a free night to be with you. My friends
couldn't understand, but Reeft did. Do you know why he knew?
Because he'd been through it. Not with his master, but with
another Padawan. So he knew the signs and he knew what was
going on. Or at least on the surface he did. He didn't realize
what was going on anymore than the rest of us did, myself
included.
He clued me in though. Showed me what I was doing. How much I
desired you as more than a dutiful Padawan. But I did nothing.
I didn't know how you felt and I wasn't going to disappoint you
that way. I remembered overhearing you saying to Master Windu
that you were so lucky. That you were lucky that I had never
had the almost ritual first-crush/lust thing for a master that
all other Padawans seemed to get. I didn't hear Master Windu's
reply, but I knew that I couldn't disappoint you.
So I waited. Eventually you came to ask more from me. You asked
me to share my body with you. And I did. It wasn't out of a
sense of duty though. I already admitted to loving you, my
Master. But it's more complicated than that, and you never
noticed. Not one blasted time! Even when I was inside you, you
didn't let me in. Xanatos still haunted you. I didn't know if
you'd been lovers before his betrayal, and I wasn't going to
ask. For the first time, I deluded myself into believing that
you cared for me. I let myself live in that fantasy.
{Now you leave like father
Disappointed like mother
And I know in my heart
There is no other}
But like all dreams they come crashing down. I felt my world
come down around my ears in the Council chamber. I knew that I
wasn't the Padawan you wanted, or particularly cared for
despite our being lovers. I thought I at least merited a
heads-up before you cast me aside for your new golden boy.
Guess not. I was never so angry or hurt in my whole life, and
believe me I've learned to deal with the hurt. I wanted to
simply leave the Council room and damn the consequences, but
you taught me too well. It was duty. I had a duty to be there
and listen to you argue about this golden child that was so
fraught with Darkness that he sucked in the light like a black
hole. But of course you couldn't see that. You could only see
your pet project. The newest charity case of Master Qui-Gon
Jinn.
I suppose I should feel more sympathy for the boy. After all,
we're two of a kind. We were both your charity cases at one
time or another. Me, when I was 13 and in those caves in
Bandomeer, the boy now in this chamber in front of all these
esteemed members of our order. But I can't, and it shames me.
I'm being petty and according to you I'm above that, but I
can't help it. I see it in your eyes. The warmth that I have
tried for over a decade to earn, you show this boy after
meeting him but a few seconds. And it's not fair.
Oh I know all about life and the Force and how it isn't always
fair. In fact, it's rarely fair, but in that moment, I was
never closer to turning to the Dark Side. Maybe if I did that,
you would finally notice me.
You didn't say a word to me back to Naboo. I don't know which
was worse. Being ignored and treated as if I was invisible, or
being treated like dirt. At least with the latter you talked to
me. I couldn't take it any longer, so on Naboo, in the middle
of that swamp, I swallowed what was left of my pride and talked
to you. I outright lied to you, but you didn't see it. As long
as I was saying what you wanted to hear that was all that
mattered.
{And I gave you my shame
And my eternal flame
And I gave you my need and my seed
Oh my need}
And then you died. That was the ultimate test of my loyalty, my
devotion to you and I failed. I wasn't fast enough. I could
have made it through those gates, but I was rattled from my
fall. That's no excuse, I know that, but that's all I have. I
battled the Sith and was almost killed. Mistake number two. I
should have been better prepared, more focused. But I'd like to
see any padawan try to focus after watching his master and
lover skewered by that red and black demon spawn.
I did defeat him, although it wasn't enough. Nothing was
enough, because it was too late. You just had enough time to
say a few words. And in that most intimate of moments, did you
tell me that you loved me? That you were proud of me, and that
I was the Padawan that you always wanted? No. You talked of the
boy. That damn child! You asked me to train him, because you
knew I would never refuse you. I never had in the past, why
should I start now? You asked me, nay, almost demanded that I
defy the Council if I had to, to train this boy. The boy that
everyone else saw was dangerous.
What choice did you leave me? I said yes, I would have agreed
to mate with a Hutt if it made you shut up and conserve your
strength. I couldn't lose you; not even after all you put me
through. I couldn't let you go, because you were my life, my
soul, and how does someone go on after losing that?
But I will have to try, because you left me. All alone with a
boy with so much power that he puts Master Yoda to shame. How
am I supposed to do this? I don't know; I'm not ready, but I
will have to be, because I gave you my word. And despite the
way you manipulated me into giving it, I will honor it.
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