Archive: I'd be honored if you'd let me know where
Category: Non-Q/O, angst, h/c drama
Rating: PG-13 at the very least
Warnings: deals with suicide. You have been warned.
Spoilers: for the JA series by Jude Watson
Feedback: do I want feedback? DO tauntans smell bad?
Disclaimer: they are not mine, I just use them.
Summary: A depressed Obi-Wan takes drastic measures after
returning from a disastrous mission in which he and Qui-Gon
were both seriously injured.
Note: this is the first fic I've posted to this list. It's not
slash, nor is it pre-slash, but I wanted to share it. Obi-Wan
is 14.
Obi-Wan smiled at his Master. Everything looked like it was
going to be fine; the negotiations would be a success. Out of
the corner of his eye, he saw one of the delegates tuck a hand
into his vest pocket. Obi-Wan glanced at the man. <Something
isn't right.>
Just as he was about to warn his Master, the man pulled a
blaster from the pocket. Obi-Wan pulled out his lightsaber as
his Master did the same. Blasters suddenly appeared in the
hands of all the delegates. Neither Jedi ignited their saber,
but stood there, hoping to talk it out.
A blaster bolt quickly dashed the hope of a peaceful solution.
Green and blue sabers lit up, to deflect the bolts. They were
coming from both directions, and each Jedi was covering the
others back.
Qui-Gon turned to deflect a bolt that Obi-Wan had missed, and
the boy screamed out in pain and shock as a shot caught him the
back. He crumpled to the floor, not losing consciousness, but
focused only on the pain he felt.
Padawan!?! Qui-Gon sent over their bond.
I'm okay. He sent back, even though he knew it wasn't
exactly true.
Qui-Gon stood over the fallen boy, and concentrated on
deflecting the bolts. Suddenly, a crash from the window drew
the Jedi Master's attention.
A commando squad dressed in the uniforms of the Ottans came
through the window, focusing their shots at the Reab. Qui-Gon
couldn't deflect all the bolts. As he was beginning to tire, he
threw his body over the boy just as the ceiling came crashing
down with the company of Reab soldiers.
A large slab of concrete slammed into the back of the Jedi
Master.
Obi-Wan sat up suddenly in bed, sweat pouring down his face.
It was the same dream every night since being released from the
Healers two weeks ago. He glanced at the chrono. Qui-Gon would
be fast asleep. Obi-Wan tightened his mental shields so as to
not disturb the older man.
Obi-Wan limped to the fresher. He had been pinned under the
same rubble as Qui-Gon, and his legs had been crushed. He
didn't remember how, but he had managed to un-bury himself and
his Master, and drag them to their ship. Without his Master
conscious, Obi-Wan hadn't known what to do, so he had set
course for Coruscant, and passed out in the pilots seat, waking
only long enough to pull out of hyperspace, and make a shaky
landing at the Temple.
He splashed some cold water on his face, and tried to calm
himself. He was tired, and there were bags forming under his
eyes and his sleep shorts were a bit loose. He hadn't gotten
any real rest since his return from Lirdra, and it was
beginning to show. <The question is,> he thought, <how
long can I keep it from my Master?>
Good morning, Padawan.
Obi-Wan jerked awake at his Master's mental message. He had
been able to fall back asleep after his nightmare for a few
hours of peaceful rest. Good morning, Master. He sent
back. He rose, and limped again to the fresher to shower.
Qui-Gon moved slowly around the kitchen while his apprentice
was in the shower. Something was bothering the boy, but Obi-Wan
was keeping up tight shields and the Master was reluctant to
break them down by force. He set out a cup of juice as Obi-Wan
took a seat at the table.
The master noticed the dark bags under the young man's eyes,
and wondered what could be so troubling to the boy that he
couldn't sleep at night. "Obi-Wan," he said aloud. "Is
something troubling you?"
Obi-Wan stared at his juice. "No, Master."
"Padawan, look at me please," he continued when Obi-Wan's gaze
met his own. "You know that you can talk to me about anything,
Padawan, don't you? If there is something on your mind, I'll
listen."
"Yes Master." Obi-Wan replied in a small voice. He glanced at
his chrono. "Master, please excuse me. I promised Bant I would
meet her before class. I don't want to be late," he rose from
the table, leaving Qui-Gon with a plate of food in each
hand.
Qui-Gon stared after his apprentice as he left their
apartment. His Padawan rushing off without breakfast just
wasn't normal. As he ate his own meal, Qui-Gon decided to make
an appointment with the Healers for Obi-Wan. Something was
still plaguing the boy about their last mission, and he wanted
to get to the bottom of it.
He made the appointment, then glanced at the chrono. If he
didn't hurry, as much as his bruised and battered body would
allow, he would be late for his meeting with the Council.
Obi-Wan slouched against a rock in the Temple Gardens. He
liked to go there when he was troubled, it was a quiet place to
think, and center himself in the Force. But now, he just wanted
to think.
Master Qui-Gon says I can talk to him about anything.
Shouldn't it work the same way? He thought. Why won't my
Master open up to me? He thinks I should be completely open and
honest with him all the time, but why should I, if he won't be
honest with me?
He watched the creek flow quietly through the gardens, as he
thought of his brief history with Master Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan knew
his Master was regarded as something of a maverick, willing to
go against the Council, and it had gotten him in trouble
before. That didn't bother the apprentice. He liked being the
Padawan of a maverick; it gave him almost the same
status.
He and Master Qui-Gon hadn't gotten off to the best of starts,
but they formed a strong bond. Obi-Wan knew his Master trusted
him, but sometimes he felt like something was missing from
their relationship.
Though Qui-Gon hadn't opened up to Obi-Wan right away after
taking him as his apprentice on Bandomeer, there was a strong
sense of, well, rightness, was the only word Obi-Wan could come
up with. Then, after Melida/Daan, that rightness seemed to
disappear. Whatever openness the Master had been willing to
share was gone when Obi-Wan returned to the Temple.
The trust, and the bond was still there, but different somehow
than before. Obi-Wan wasn't sure how to describe it, but he
felt different around his Master now. Especially after this
last mission.
Obi-Wan hadn't told anyone, but he knew that it was his fault
his Master had been so badly injured. If he hadn't missed the
blaster bolt, they could've resolved matters before the other
teams came crashing in. His guilt driven nightmares kept
reminding him of his failure to his Master, and were driving
him deeper and deeper into himself.
Qui-Gon still walked rather stiffly. The bacta treatments had
healed his badly damaged spine, but he still ached. Walking
long distances was torture. The healers had tried to talk him
into using a float chair, but the Master wanted to be as mobile
as possible, and under his own power.
So he stuck to the lesser known short cuts and back passages
through the temple. He slowly made his way to the Council
Chambers, to give a report on his and Obi-Wan's current status.
They were off the active list for now, while the recovered, but
many on the Council felt they needed to keep tabs on the
pair.
Qui-Gon was worried about his Padawan. Since their return, the
boy had virtually cut himself off from everyone, including his
master. Well, what do you expect Jinn, the voice at the
back of his head taunted him. It's not like you open up to
him. Qui-Gon tried to squelch the voice. But it was
right.
Even when he had first taken Obi-Wan as his Padawan, he hadn't
completely opened up to the boy. After his failure with
Xanatos, he was afraid to let someone else into his heart. So
he didn't offer it. Obi-Wan's efforts to impress his master
slowly began to break through the barrier the old master had
built up. Then came Melida/Daan.
Qui-Gon was just beginning to love the boy, was just getting
ready to share everything. Then he was betrayed. For some
reason, it hurt more with Obi-Wan than it had with Xanatos.
Xanatos had betrayed him for money, power, and the Dark Side.
Obi-Wan had abandoned him for what?
For the love of another, Qui-Gon had realized, upon the
boy's return to the temple. Obi-Wan had found something worthy
of his heart, and he went to it. His master hadn't given him
any sense of love, or pride. And what had changed?
Since he had taken Obi-Wan back, he was still reluctant to
share his heart. He rebuilt the shields the boy had begun to
batter down. He did give the boy praise, and he truly was proud
of him. But Qui-Gon couldn't force himself to open up. Deep
down, he was afraid of being hurt again.
But just because I don't open up doesn't mean I don't
care, Qui-Gon reasoned with himself. And he did care. Right
now he was worried about his apprentice. Obi-Wan was skipping
meals, he was sure. His Padawan was not a morning person, but
lately Obi-Wan had been rising much early than his Master, and
making excuses for not eating breakfast with him, as well as
supper.
Every time he had tried to sit down to talk with Obi-Wan, his
apprentice had ran off with the excuse of homework, or some
other such nonsense. Qui-Gon had spoken with Bob, the mind
healer. He was told to just give the boy some time. He was
recovering from his own serious injuries, and all would return
to normal soon.
I have a bad feeling that it won't be soon enough, the
Master thought, as he shuffled through the deserted back halls
of the temple. His afternoon appointment with the Healers
couldn't come fast enough.
Bant had tried to find Obi-Wan. He had been released from the
Healer's over two weeks ago, but he hadn't tried to contact
her. She had heard all the temple scuttlebutt on what had
happened to cause his injuries. For Force sake, I helped
pull him out of the ship! The rumors said that the
negotiations had gone sour and that one side had attacked the
other. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had been caught in the middle. She
really wanted to hear the story from Obi-Wan, but she
understood that he wouldn't want to talk about it.
But why won't he talk to me at all? she wondered as she
waited in line for her lunch at the commissary. Obi-Wan had
never cut himself off from her before. She chalked it up to
stress, and hoped that he would come out of the funk
soon.
She was startled out of her reverie by a lunch tray hitting
her in the back of the head. She set her own tray down before
lifting a hand to feel for the bump and turning around to see
Bruck Chun and Obi-Wan staring at her. Bant sighed. Only
I could get caught in their cross fire. Before she
could say anything to Obi-Wan, he ran out of the
cafeteria.
Bant approached Bruck. "What happened?"
Bruck had the decency to look ashamed. "Sorry Bant. Things got
a little out of control. It wasn't supposed to hit you."
She didn't say anything else, she just took off after
Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan double-checked to make sure his mental shields were
up. He didn't want anyone to find him. He just wanted to be
alone. What good am I to anyone. He thought. My
master almost got killed a couple weeks ago, and I just watched
my best friend get clobbered in the head with my lunch
tray. He sighed. He just didn't seem to be able to do
anything right.
Bruck, his old nemesis for as long as he could remember, had
confronted him in the cafeteria. He had taunted Obi-Wan,
calling Oafy-Wan and telling him that the only reason he
was a Padawan was because Qui-Gon felt sorry for him. "Now he
feels sorry for himself Oafy-Wan. For taking such a
loser for an apprentice." Bruck had taunted. "A loser
that almost killed his Master," he had jeered.
Obi-Wan lost control at that point. He threw his tray at the
other boy, only to have Bruck reflect it, and it ended up
hitting Bant in the head. Then he ran.
Obi-Wan ran straight to the Gardens, the only place in the
temple he felt he could gather himself anymore. He was finding
it harder and harder to focus, and hide his growing despair. He
kept his mental shields in place almost all the time now, for
fear of leaking his feelings to his master. Oh, Master,
Obi-Wan thought with a wail. Why did you have to take such a
worthless Padawan? Bruck was right, you must feel sorry for
what you've done. He rested his head on his knees, drawn up
to his chest. Obi-Wan was so tired.
But he couldn't sleep. His sleep was plagued by nightmares and
he woke drenched in a cold sweat. He wasn't eating anymore
either, but he hadn't realized that yet. He just wasn't hungry.
He made excuses to his Master why he wasn't eating with him. "I
ate with Bant," he would say. And then retire to his room.
Sleep. He wanted to sleep. Suddenly, he jumped up and ran to
his quarters. He had a wonderful idea.
Obi-Wan barricaded himself in the 'fresher. He was useless to
everyone, he knew that now. His master almost died because of
him. As it was, he and his master were on leave time at the
temple while they recovered and underwent physical therapy.
Obi-Wan had shut himself off from everyone else since returning
from their last mission. He hadn't even made an attempt to see
if Bant was around. He had seen her by chance in the cafeteria.
Yeah, and managed to get her beaned in the head with
my lunch tray.
Obi-Wan raised his lightsaber, but didn't ignite it. He
weighed it in each hand, thinking about the task in front of
him. While he toyed with the saber, he stared at himself in the
mirror.
The face that stared back was alien to him. I can't
look like that he thought, aghast. He had black bags under
his eyes, and his cheekbones were way too prominent on his
face. The normally sparkling blue eyes held no spark now. They
looked dull in the reflection. His skin was a sickly pale
color. Even his short, spiky, ginger-colored hair looked sick.
Tired, he looked tired.
He felt tired. All he wanted to do was sleep. Maybe he could.
Sleep forever. At least that way I can't hurt anyone
else he told himself. He replaced his lightsaber on his
belt, and drew a small dagger from the sheath in his boot.
Sleep forever, he smiled. How perfect.
The meeting with the Council had gone well, and Qui-Gon
hobbled back to his and Obi-Wan's quarters shortly after the
students lunch period had ended. Obi-Wan was only taking a
couple morning classes during their recovery, so Qui-Gon
figured he would be there waiting. Even using the back
passages, it took him longer than he would have liked to arrive
at the apartment. On his slow return, he cast out with the
Force, trying to locate Obi-Wan through the training bond, but
only encountered the strong mental sheilds that had been firmly
in place since his release from the Healers.
Qui-Gon entered the quarters he shared with Obi-Wan to find
all the lights off.
"Obi-Wan?" he called. Padawan? There was no answer to
either call. Odd he thought. I figured he would be
here. Well, maybe he's out with Bant. I hope. He sighed and
went to the kitchen to make some tea. The note he had left for
his Padawan concerning the Healers was untouched on the table.
The door chimed.
"Enter," he called.
Bant poked her head around the corner. "Master Jinn? Have you
seen Obi-Wan?" There was a slight tremor in her voice that gave
evidence to her concern.
"No, Bant." He turned. "I haven't seen Obi-Wan since breakfast
this morning. I thought he was out with you?"
Bant shook her head. "I saw him briefly at lunch, but he ran
off and I haven't been able to find him," she wrung her hands
in frustration and worry. She debated over whether to tell
Qui-Gon about Bruck and Obi-Wan's confrontation at lunch. She
opened her mouth to speak, when a noise from the 'fresher
interrupted her.
"What was that?" Qui-Gon asked as he made his way to the
'fresher. He tried to open the door, but found it locked. He
gathered the Force and unlocked the door. "Bant, get your
Master up here," he ordered as he moved into the small space.
"And then get on the comm and get Master Yoda."
Bant was already moving to the comm. Master, come quickly.
I am in Master Jinn's quarters.
On my way, Padawan
Bant paged Master Yoda, asking him to get to Master Jinn's
quarters as soon as he could.
In the fresher, Qui-Gon knelt next to his Padawan, who was
lying unconscious on the floor, a blood slicked dagger in his
outstretched right hand. The dagger, he recognized, was one of
Obi-Wan's few possessions from his life before the Temple. He
always carried it with him, in a boot sheath. Qui-Gon pushed
back the boy's other sleeve and gasped at the sight. Oh,
Obi-Wan. he thought in despair. What were you trying to
do to yourself? Although the answer seemed obvious, Qui-Gon
wasn't ready to acknowledge it.
On his apprentice's arm were five cuts, of varying depths,
starting with the least severe at his elbow, and the most
severe at his wrist. His Padawan braid lay at his feet.
Yoda arrived with Mace Windu not long after Bant's Master,
Healer Lida. The healer was crouched in the small space in the
fresher, quickly checking the Padawan before the rest of her
team arrived with a float pallet. Qui-Gon hovered at the
entrance, reluctant to let the boy out of his sight. Not
like anything worse can happen to him now. That damn voice
was back.
Lida pulled back the towel Qui-Gon had placed over the wounds
on Obi-Wan's arm to slow the bleeding. Though she had been a
healer a long time, what she saw shocked her. It wasn't that
often that a Jedi found such despair that it was necessary to
end one's life. She recovered the cuts, and the medical team
arrived with the float. Normally, Lida would have her Padawan
help, but Bant was clearly distressed at the sight of her
friend, laying on the fresher floor, injured by his own hand.
Lida sent the Calamarian girl down to the Healer's ward to get
things prepared.
Lida helped her team load up the boy. He should weigh a lot
more than this she thought. It hadn't taken hardly any
effort at all to lift the young man off the floor and onto the
float. One of the younger healers, Davin, rechecked Obi-Wan's
vitals while they were finishing up for transport.
"Master Lida, his breathing has slowed, and his pulse is
erratic." Aware of the presence at the door, he spoke quietly
to the Master Healer.
"Alright, lets go. Keep a close eye on him on the way down."
She led them out of the fresher, but stood aside as they
hurried out towards the ward.
"Lida!" They were barely outside the quarters of the Master
Jinn when Davin shouted.
Lida ran out, with Qui-Gon close on her heals. "Sith!" She
swore, when she caught glance of Davin and the other healer
doing CPR on the 14-year-old. Qui-Gon rushed to Obi-Wan's side,
only to be pushed back by the healers trying to work. Lida shot
Mace, who had followed Qui-Gon out after the shout, an
imploring look, and he dragged the long haired master back
inside his quarters.
The healers worked furiously for a few minutes. "Got a pulse,"
Davin announced.
Lida breathed a sigh of relief. "Let"s get him to the
ward."
Qui-Gon struggled against Mace's grip as he watched Lida drag
his apprentice down the hall. "Mace let me go!"
"No, you'll only get in the way down there. Lida will call you
when you can see him." Mace led Qui-Gon to the couch in the
middle of the common room and pushed him into it.
Yoda shoved a warm mug into his hands. "Drink this, you
will."
Qui-Gon took a sip, and instantly began to feel himself
calm.
After a few moments, when Qui-Gon became visibly calmer, Mace
ventured to speak.
"More has been going on here than you've told the council." It
wasn't a question.
Qui-Gon nodded.
"Tell us you must, so help you both we can," Yoda kept his
voice soft and warm.
A sudden realization hit Qui-Gon, and he jumped up and lurched
to the fresher as his stomach rebelled. My Padawan just
tried to kill himself...and it's my fault. He heaved again
with that thought, but there was nothing to bring up.
A small green hand appeared on the edge of his vision and
pulled the loose hair back from his face while another handed
him a damp cloth to wipe his face.
Qui-Gon slumped against the wall, not far from where he had
found his apprentice just ten minutes before. Has it only
been ten minutes? It feels like a year has passed. He
looked levelly into the sleepy eyes of his Master. "Oh, Master.
What have I done?" He sounded much like the little boy Yoda had
raised, and he buried his head in his hands.
Yoda placed a small hand on Qui-Gon's arm. "Up you must get,
Padawan. Good for you the cold floor is not."
Qui-Gon nodded, and tried to stand, but his still healing back
protested the action. Mace, who had shown up at the fresher
door after a moment's silence from the room, moved in to help
lever him off the floor.
Mace settled Qui-Gon on the couch once again. The tall
master's normally dignified, almost regal, bearing was slumped.
It was if an enormous weight had been placed on his soul and
collapsed his body into a shell of it's former self.
"Why do you think your fault this is?" Yoda asked gently after
levitating himself to sit next to his Padawan on the
couch.
Qui-Gon spoke aloud, but not really to his audience. His voice
was soft, introspective, with a dreamlike quality. "When I took
Xanatos as my apprentice, there was a deep connection between
us, almost immediately. I shared my heart and soul with that
boy, very soon after we were bonded. When he turned-"
He paused. He had come to grips with Xanatos' turning after
his death, but that didn't make it any easier to talk
about.
"When he turned, it ripped my heart out. I closed myself off
to everyone, even my closest friends here at the Temple." He
stared into the common room, reliving the past.
"Obi-Wan has been my Padawan for over a year now. I haven't
opened up to him at all. I haven't even made the attempt." His
head dropped in shame, and his dark blue eyes began to fill
with tears.
"I was afraid of what might happen. Because of what did happen
once. And because of that, I think he is afraid to come to me.
If I had opened up, shared my heart with the boy, would this
have happened?"
He turned his dark sad eyes to Yoda's sleepy ones, and didn't
bother to try to hold back the tears that were now threatening
to spill. "Why does it take so much for me to realize what a
fool I've been?" Two tears fell from his eyes as he blinked
slowly, and they traced twin silver trails down the worn face
of the Jedi Master. "Why did it take him trying to kill himself
for me to realize how much I love him, and how much I need
him?"
A silence hung over the room, until the comm unit beeped.
Mace, nearest to it, rose to answer. Qui-Gon stumbled into the
kitchen for a glass of water while Mace carried on a hushed
conversation.
When Qui-Gon emerged a few moments later, the two other
Masters were standing, and Mace had a robe draped over his
arm.
"That was Bant." Mace explained as he held out the robe to his
friend. "She says you can come down now. Do you want us to go
with you?"
"No, Mace, but thanks. This is something I need to do."
"To the council we must go. Explain our hasty departure we
must," Yoda tapped his stick. He tapped Qui-Gon's knee. "Talk
later, we must. Informed, I will be."
"Yes Master," Qui-Gon nodded.
Yoda and Mace walked down the hallway in one direction toward
the lift to the Council Chamber. Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master,
walked down the hall with all the eagerness and bearing of a
man about to face a firing squad.
Qui-Gon tapped on Lida's open office door before entering. The
healer looked up from the pad she was typing into and waved him
to a chair.
"Just a second." She finished up what she was doing and then
rummaged on her desk for another pad. She called something up
on it. "You still taking those pills I gave you?"
"Yes." He didn't really want to talk about himself; he wanted
to know what was going on with his apprentice.
Lida grunted something, and made a note on her pad. She placed
it aside finally and looked Qui-Gon square in the eye. "Obi-Wan
will be fine, Qui-Gon. Physically anyway."
Qui-Gon sighed in relief and ducked his head to hide the
emotion threatening to spill from his eyes.
Lida rose and settled herself into the other chair in front of
her desk. She took one of the Master's large hands in her own.
"He can get through this Qui-Gon, and so can you. The damage
wasn't all that bad. Luckily, he was malnourished enough that
he really didn't have enough strength to cause more than a
little damage. I was concerned that there would be a large
strain on his heart, from the trauma, and from the condition of
his body. Did you know he wasn't eating?"
Staring at his boots in shame, he whispered, "I suspected it,
but every time I tried to talk to him, he ran away."
Lida wanted to tell him it wasn't is fault, but she knew he
wouldn't believe her. "Um, there will be some scarring, but we
can do a procedure after he's stronger to remove them, or at
least hide them better." She glanced at the chrono. "He was
sedated, but should be waking up soon." She stood and helped
Qui-Gon out of the chair. "Come, I'll take you to him.
The first sensation he was aware of was pain. Surely death
wouldn't hurt his much. Obi-Wan then heard the soft
bleeping of the machines of the Healer's ward, and the distinct
tang of antiseptics in the air. Oh Force, he cursed
inwardly. How could I ever hope to be a Jedi if I can't even
succeed in killing myself?
Obi-Wan felt a light touch on the back of his hand. His master
was at his side, like always when he awoke in the Healer's
ward. The older Jedi held his right hand gently, and ran his
thumb across the back. Obi-Wan looked into his Master's eyes
for an instant, then turned to face the wall. He didn't notice
the silvery tear tracks that ran down his master's
cheeks.
"Go away," he whispered, as he pulled his hand from Qui-Gon's
grip.
Qui-Gon was shocked. That wasn't what he expected to hear from
his Padawan. "Obi-Wan?"
"Go away. Please, just go. Go away!" He kept repeating it like
a mantra, over and over, and he didn't calm down until Lida
came in with a sedative and ordered Qui-Gon to leave.
Mace pounded on the door. "Jinn! I know you're in there! Let
me in before I have to let myself in!"
There was still no answer. On request from Lida, Mace stopped
by the Master's quarters at the end of the Council session that
day. She was worried that he might do something stupid.
"Jinn!!" He pounded again, and this time the door slid
silently aside. As Mace entered, he noticed first of all that
all the lights were down. The only light that poured into the
quarters came from the open window shade that overlooked the
Coruscant cityscape. The light was just enough for Mace to make
out two bottles on the low table in front of the couch where
Qui-Gon lay sprawled.
One was a bottle of Trakalian Vodka, extremely potent to
humans, and it was about empty. Force! Mace thought. His
friend wasn't big on alcohol and something bad really must have
happened to turn him to the bottle. Even Xanatos' turning
hadn't forced him to seek escape through mind-altering
beverages. Next to the near empty bottle sat a bottle of pills.
What Lida had been concerned about in the first place.
The painkillers she had given the Master contained a strong
sedative, to help him sleep at night. Lida was afraid that
Qui-Gon would try to seek the same path as his young
apprentice. Apparently, Mace thought sardonically, she was
right. The lid was still on the bottle of pills, and Qui-Gon
was still awake. So he hasn't taken them yet. Good, I can still
talk him out of it.
Mace settled himself on the chair directly across from the
couch. He reached out and took the bottle of pills in one hand,
and pulled the vodka bottle a little closer for better
inspection. He tucked the pills into a pocket, not caring if
Qui-Gon saw.
After a few minutes of silence, Mace finally spoke. "What were
you hoping to accomplish?"
Qui-Gon's voice was slow, but his speech was hardly slurred,
and his accent was more distinct. "I thought it was blatantly
obvious."
Mace wasn't sure how to answer that, so he sat in silence for
a moment trying to think of way to get his friend out of
immediate danger without doing anything drastic. Before he
could say anything, Qui-Gon resumed speaking, slowly.
"I have failed again. I failed to see the darkness that
consumed Xanatos. I failed to see the pain Obi-Wan was in. You
didn't see it Mace. He begged me to leave the ward. He
didn't want me at his side. What did I do wrong Mace? Why am I
such a bad Master? I- I didn't even have the courage to t-take
the d-damn p-pills!" He spat the last sentence as his tongue
began to fail him.
"And it's a damn good thing too Jinn!" Mace decided that
getting mad at the other Master was probably the best way to
go. "Do you know what it would do to the boy if you killed
yourself? Think about him for a minute will you?! From what I
gather from your reports, Obi-Wan probably feels guilty about
your getting hurt. Do have any idea what it would do to him if
you killed yourself in guilt? It would destroy him.
Destroy Jinn!! There would be no way to get him back! We
can pull him through this one. But did you even stop to think
about Obi-Wan, the boy you claim to love, before you decided
this was the only option?" Mace ran out of breath.
"Qui-Gon, you've been my friend practically forever, and I
love you like a brother. But dammit, you're being
selfish."
Qui-Gon nodded, taking in his words. "I know. I didn't really
think I c-could d-do it. It j-just seemed so m-much easier
th-than facing the t-truth." He started to cry, sobbing, all
control lost to the alcohol and exhaustion. "Oh, Mace, what did
I do? What have I tried to do?" He started to mumble,
incoherent, and drifted off in unconsciousness.
Mace felt relieved. Qui-Gon was drunk, that was certain. The
pills were in his possession, so Qui-Gon was out of immediate
danger, and a quick sweep of the medicine cabinet would ensure
that.
He raised the taller Master off the couch and steered him
toward his bed. Qui-Gon stumbled, and leaned most of his weight
on Mace. The councilor laid the drunken Master in his bed, and
pulled off his boots. Sleep Mace sent the suggestion to
his friend through weakened shields, and the muttering stopped
as Qui-Gon gave into the blackness.
Mace took a quick tour through the apartment, making sure
there nothing else to be an immediate danger to Qui-Gon, and
left a note on a pad on the kitchen table with a hangover
remedy that he knew his friend would need in the morning.
Before he left to make a report to Yoda and Lida, he checked
his friend one more time.
"You are not a bad Master, Jinn. I don't think Obi-Wan could
ask for a better Master," he whispered as he pulled the covers
up over the slumbering man.
"Master!" Obi-Wan woke up screaming, covered in a cold sweat.
His heart raced and he fought to control his breathing. Just as
he felt he was regaining control, Lida hurried, called by the
change in tone of the monitors, and followed closely by Masters
Windu and Yoda.
"Obi-Wan? Are you okay?" She quieted the monitor that bleeped
at the change in the boy's vital signs.
He nodded, not trusting himself to speak as she checked the
bandages on his arm. His hands shook, and he tried to still
them by sheer will and the Force, but control eluded him.
"Nightmare?" She looked him straight in the eye.
He looked away and nodded again.
"Do you want to tell me?"
He shook his head no.
"Okay," she gave him a small smile. "Do you want something to
help you go back to sleep?"
As tempting as it sounded, he shook his head again. Drugs
always seemed to make his dreams more vivid.
"Okay." She ran a hand through his spiky ginger-colored hair.
"If you need anything, just page me." She smiled again,
squeezed his right hand and gestured Mace and Yoda to proceed
her back into her office.
Yoda lifted a hand for a moments pause and levitated himself
up to the Padawan's side. He half closed his sleepy eyes and
placed a small hand on the boy's forehead.
Obi-Wan felt the residual fear dissipate, and a warm peace
enveloping him. "Thank you Master Yoda," he mumbled as he
succumbed to the enveloping peace.
"Welcome you are, young Kenobi." Hopping down, he rejoined
Mace and Lida in the doorway. "Much pain he carries. Help he
needs. To Bob he must go."
Qui-Gon woke with a pounding headache and a mouth that tasted
like he had slept with his apprentice's dirty gym socks in it.
He groaned as he sat up, and then regretted it as soon as his
head threatened to explode.
He closed his eyes and held his head gently in his hands and
waited for the throbbing to dissipate. When it felt less like
someone was using his head for blaster practice, he opened his
eyes again. The room no longer spun in time with the throbbing
in his temples.
He rose slowly and staggered into the fresher. Not turning on
the lights, he rummaged in the medicine cabinet. Dammit
Mace! he swore. He even took the analgesics. He
splashed some cold water on his face. He tried to brush some of
the dirty film out of his mouth, but after two passes, he
resigned himself to bad breath for the day.
He changed his clothes slowly once he made it back to his
room. Next time, try to hold on to the damn
pain-killers, he thought as he struggled against the pain
in his back to pull on his pants. Finally dressed, he sat at
the comm embarrassed to make the call.
Putting it off just a moment longer, he scrolled through his
messages. There was one from Finis insisting that they have
lunch soon, for it had been far to long. The only other one was
from Healer Bob, telling him that if he felt up to it, he had
an appointment scheduled that afternoon, but he would
understand if he would like to wait until the next day, but
that they needed to talk soon. Windu, you can't keep
anything to yourself can you? He'd call Bob right after he
talked to Lida.
He'd put that off long enough. He put in the page.
"Ah, Qui-Gon," she said loudly as she appeared on his
screen.
"Lida, please, not so loud," he complained.
"Have a bit of a headache do you?" she nearly shouted.
"I thought healers were supposed to help people, not kill
them," he muttered.
"I heard that." She dropped her voice to a more normal level.
"What can I do for you?"
"Um, well," suddenly he was hesitant, but surely Mace had told
her everything already. "You see, uh, Mace took all my pain
killers last night, and I, uh,"
"Have sat down and you can't get up?" She asked with a
smirk.
"Something like that."
"Okay, tell you what. I'll be down in a few minutes. We'll
talk about it while I give you an exam and talk about your
apprentice."
Obi-Wan. Guilt washed over him again. He hadn't
forgotten about his Padawan really, but had pushed it to the
back of his mind while he dealt with more important issues.
Like staying on my feet and out of the healer's ward. He
just nodded, not wanting to speak.
"Be down in a few," she cut the comm and her face faded from
Qui-Gon's screen.
Qui-Gon used the Force to open the door at its chime. He
really was stuck in his chair at the comm. He used the time
between his call to Lida and her arrival to meditate and try to
use the Force to remove some of the toxins from the night
before.
"Qui-Gon," Lida sighed. "I don't know what it is about you and
your apprentice, but at this rate, I'm going to have to retire
early."
"Will you just help me," Qui-Gon growled.
Lida helped him out of the chair and moved him to the floor.
She pulled a small pad from her bag, and set to work on an
exam.
"I was getting ready to cut your pain pills back anyway, and
last night just clinched the decision for me," she talked as
she worked. "I'll give you something that isn't so potent, but
a little pain is good for you. Still doing the physical
therapy?"
He grunted affirmative.
"Good. You might want to step it up a little bit, as you heal
more. You're looking good, everything is healing nicely." She
fished two bottles out of her bag. "This one," she handed him a
small bottle, "is a mild analgesic, for the pounding headache
you're desperately trying to hide." She smiled. "And this one
is for the back pain. Do not double up on them. The pills for
your back should take care of the headache. If it doesn't let
me know." She handed him the other bottle, and watched him take
one.
"How's Obi-Wan?"
"Physically, he is still okay. He woke up late last night. He
had a nightmare, and wouldn't let me give him anymore
sedative."
"The drugs tend to make his dreams more vivid." It's sad
that a 14 year old boy has been in and out of the Healer's
enough that we know how sedatives react. What kind of Master am
I that I can't keep my Padawan out of the ward?
"I thought as much. Anyway, Yoda helped him back to sleep, and
he should be meeting with Bob right now." She glanced at her
chrono.
"Can I see him?"
"Obi-Wan?" she sighed. "Qui-Gon, I know how much you want, and
need to see him, but given his reaction last time, I don't know
that it's such a good idea."
"Please Lida. I need to see him." Where did that whine come
from?
"Tell you what. Come down to the ward with me. When he's done
with Bob for the day, I'll see if he wants to see you. We can
take it from there. And while you're down there, you can have a
nice little chat with Bob."
Obi-Wan sat in the chair with his knees pulled up to his chest
and his head resting there. I don't want to be here. They
should just let me go. Maybe the Agri-Corp would take me
back. He was in the corner of his room in the Healer's
ward, in a chair facing Healer Bob. I don't want to talk
about it. I just want to go away.
"Obi-Wan, do you want to tell me about the dream you had last
night?" Bob had been trying for the last twenty minutes to talk
to the boy, but he wouldn't open up at all.
Obi-Wan shook his head and tightened his mental shields even
farther. Why can't they just leave me alone. I don't want to
be here. I just want to go away. He sat up suddenly as a
familiar presence drew nearer. He's coming! No! NO!
NONONONONONO!! Not here! Make him go away!
Bob noticed Obi-Wan grow more agitated. "Obi-Wan? What's
wrong?"
"He's coming. I can't-don't make me see him. I can't see him,"
Obi-Wan started rocking back and forth in his chair.
"Who's coming Obi-Wan?" although Bob had a pretty good
idea.
"Master Qui-Gon" he whispered.
Bob ran a hand through his shaggy black hair. The human mind
healer saw how big of an obstacle his new patient had to face
when it came to his Master. He knew a little of their past
mission, Jinn and Kenobi, and from that was able to surmise
what young Kenobi was going through.
"Obi-Wan, why don't you want to see your Master?" he kept his
voice soft and comforting.
"I just can't. Please don't make me. I just can't talk to him.
I can't even look at him." Obi-Wan still rocked back and forth
in his chair, hugging his legs to his chest.
"Okay Obi-Wan. I won't make you see him." Bob kneeled in front
of the boy and placed a gentle hand on his knee. "I need you to
calm down just a little for me. I'm going to go talk to your
Master and Healer Lida. Are you going to be okay for a couple
minutes?"
Obi-Wan nodded. But he's not my master any more he
wanted to say. I don't deserve him as my master. He should
have some one better.
Bob patted his knee and left the room.
The mind healer found Qui-Gon and Lida in the Healer's office.
Bob took the seat next to Qui-Gon and folded his hands in his
lap. He sighed deeply before he spoke.
"Obi-Wan is carrying around a lot of mental anguish. I know
that it centers around what happened on your last mission, and
the nature of your relationship. He is very upset, and he
became very agitated when he sensed you in here," he said to
Qui-Gon. "I have the feeling that most of his pain is guilt,
and it revolves around you."
Qui-Gon only looked more and more melancholy with each
statement.
Bob noticed the Master's face fall and mentally kicked
himself. Oh, Force. You should have known he's carrying his
own guilt about all this. That's why you're seeing him
too.
"Qui-Gon I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so blunt and upset you.
I think we need to talk about your last mission and what you're
going through, as soon as you feel up to it, but the sooner the
better."
Qui-Gon nodded. "I left you a message when I got yours this
morning. I think- I think this afternoon would be good."
Bob nodded.
Lida broke into the conversation at last. "Can he see
Obi-Wan?"
"I don't think that would be a good idea right now," he shook
his head sadly. "Qui-Gon I'm sorry, but he said he didn't want
to see you, and forcing him to do so at this point would not
only make me break my word to a 14 year old boy, but I think it
would push him over the edge. He's only barely holding
together. He is emotionally and physically exhausted. The fact
that he actually attempted suicide,"
Qui-Gon flinched at the word.
"Only demonstrates how unstable he is right now." Bob
finished.
"I-I understand." Qui-Gon looked at his hands a moment,
struggling to wrap his mind around the mind healers words, and
trying to think up a way to get some word to his apprentice
that wouldn't shatter his stability. "Can I write him a letter?
I just need to have some contact."
"I think that would be okay. Give it to me, or Lida, and we'll
pass it on."
Qui-Gon nodded again.
Lida looked at her chrono. "Well gentlemen. I have to go make
rounds."
Bob stood and watched Qui-Gon maneuver himself out of his
chair. "Qui-Gon, your quarters or my office?"
Bob left Qui-Gon standing in Lida's office while he went to
say the day's farewell to Obi-Wan. He found the boy still
curled up in the chair where he'd left him, but no longer
rocking. "Obi-Wan?"
The apprentice looked up at Bob. "Is he coming?" he asked in a
small voice.
"No, Obi-Wan. But he'd like to write you a letter. Is that
okay?"
"I th-think so."
"Obi-Wan, you don't have to do anything until you're
ready."
Obi-Wan nodded.
"Okay. I have to go talk with your Master now, but I'll be
back tomorrow, or later tonight okay?"
Obi-Wan just nodded again.
"Tea?" Bob asked as he led Qui-Gon to a couch in his
office.
"Yes please." Qui-Gon settled himself carefully on the offered
couch. Why have I made such a mess out of a young boy's
life? His guilt chased his thoughts around his head while
he waited for Bob.
The mind healer appeared a few minutes later with the tea on a
tray. He placed the tray on a low table in front of the couch
and took a seat in the chair across from it. They both sipped
at their tea for a moment until Bob started to speak.
"Qui-Gon, what happened on your last mission?" Bob wanted to
start somewhere neutral, and not get into his escape into the
bottle last night.
Qui-Gon looked into his teacup for a beat, arranging his
thoughts. "We were sent to Lirdra to arrange a peace treaty
between the two tribes. We had been there for three weeks, and
everything seemed to be going okay. We were in one of the
conference halls, getting ready to end the negotiations so the
treaty could be signed the next day. Without warning, one of
the Ottans pulled a blaster from under his vest."
He paused, going back over the scene in his mind. "I think
Obi-Wan must have noticed something. He looked like he was
ready to shout when the blaster appeared. We both pulled our
sabers when the Reab pulled their blasters. I was hoping to end
the conflict peacefully but someone started firing. I never did
figure out what side started it. We deflected all the blasts we
could, but Obi-Wan," he hesitated. "Obi-Wan missed a blast. It
hit him in the back. I saw him go down, on the floor. He said
he was okay, when I asked, over the bond. But, I felt he
wasn't. He was in so much pain. He was trying to block it, to
get up and help, but he couldn't." Qui-Gon was lost now in the
memories.
"While he was on the floor, I stood over him, stuck in the
middle, deflecting blasts, and trying to call for a cease fire.
Then, a commando team came crashing through the window. The
next thing I knew, the ceiling came crashing in. I threw myself
over Obi-Wan, trying to keep him from being hurt any farther.
The chunk of something hit me in the back, and that's the last
I remember. I woke up a couple times on the ship, but I don't
remember getting there."
He came back to reality then, after recounting the mission. "I
was in a bacta tank for a week, I think Lida said. Obi-Wan
wasn't so bad. A couple days. They used bone knitters on his
legs; they were crushed by the same chunk that got my back.
We've only been out of the healers for about two weeks."
"What happened yesterday?" Bob was content to listen.
Qui-Gon sighed. "I tried to talk to him in the morning. He
seemed distracted. He hadn't been eating much, if at all. I had
an appointment with the healers for the afternoon. I wanted to
make sure nothing was wrong. It didn't even occur to me-" he
cut himself off and took a deep breath. "Obi-Wan ran off with
an excuse of seeing Bant. You should talk to her by the way.
Something happened yesterday afternoon, I think she was going
to tell me about it, but we didn't have time. So I had an early
meeting with the Council, to talk about the mission. I came
back from the meeting, and didn't find Obi-Wan in our quarters.
Bant came by while I was fixing lunch. She had seen Obi-Wan in
the commissary, but he ran out. Before she could say anything
else, we uh, found him, on the fresher floor." He
stopped.
"And last night?" Bob didn't want to get into feelings yet. He
knew that Qui-Gon was hurting, and that some discovery had been
made in his heart, but he felt that Qui-Gon wasn't ready, and
Bob needed more of a foundation.
Qui-Gon spoke slowly now. "I don't know what happened last
night. I went to see Obi-Wan at the healers. He woke up, and
he, uh, begged me to leave." Reliving that was painful. "I
couldn't deal with that. I felt so responsible. For not seeing
his pain earlier. For not being a better Master. I went home.
Found a bottle of vodka that was a gift from an ambassador. Sat
down and drank it. Stared at my pain pills for awhile. Mace
came over and talked some sense into me. Put me to bed. That's
it."
Qui-Gon returned to his quarters after talking with Bob. He
felt a little better, having gotten something off his chest.
Not very hungry, but knowing he had to eat, he fixed a small
sandwich and ate it slowly. He fixed some tea, and sat down in
his chair to compose a letter to his Padawan.
"Hi Obi-Wan," Bob entered the boy's room.
Obi-Wan was sitting up in bed, staring off into the empty
space in front of him. "Hi," he said softly.
"Have you eaten dinner yet?"
"Yes." Again in a small voice.
"Did you finish it?"
"No."
"Why not?" Bob needed something more than one-word answers. He
was trying to connect with the boy, make Obi-Wan feel he could
talk to him without getting him in trouble or reporting to
Qui-Gon.
"I wasn't hungry. But Bant made me try to eat some."
"Why aren't you hungry?"
Obi-Wan shrugged, a small gesture that was exaggerated by his
thin frame and bony shoulders. "I don't know." Yes you
do, a small voice at the back of his head whispered.
You're depressed. You stop eating when you're depressed.
Only this time it didn't go away like the last couple
times. Obi-Wan ignored the voice.
"How do you feel Obi-Wan?"
"I'm tired." Talk to him. You'll feel better. He'll tell
Qui-Gon. I can't talk to him.
"Why don't you get some sleep then. I'll come talk to you
tomorrow." Bob rose.
"Okay." He turned onto his side and pulled the covers up to
his chin.
Bob smoothed Obi-Wan's hair back. Only then did he notice the
boy's braid was missing. "What happened to your braid?"
"I cut it off," he admitted sleepily.
"Why?"
"I couldn't be his Padawan anymore. Or anyone's." Obi-Wan's
eyes drifted shut and his breathing evened out and he was
asleep.
"Good morning Obi-Wan." Bob came in and sat next to the bed.
He was carrying a pad.
"Hi Healer Bob." Obi-Wan sat up a little in straighter in bed.
"Is that the letter from Master Qui-Gon?"
"Yes Obi-Wan. He's very worried about you." The healer handed
over the pad. "I haven't read it, just in case you're
wondering."
Obi-Wan nodded and began to read.
My Padawan:
I wish I could tell you this in person, but the healers told
me it was better this way. I miss you incredibly Padawan. It
wasn't until I was separated from you that I realize how big a
presence you have been in my life.
Oh, Padawan, I have been such a bad Master to you. I let the
past dominate my relationship with you, while I go around
telling you to focus on the present. I have let my past haunt
me for far too long.
Obi-Wan I wish words could express how much I love you and
need you in my life. You have changed me Padawan. You have
saved me from a past that would have dominated my life, and
driven me farther from the temple and the family that I have
here.
Please Obi-Wan, don't shut me out. Let me help you the way you
have helped me. Your unconditional love for a foolish old man
saved him from himself. Let me show you my love, and let it
heal you. I know you can heal Padawan, but you need to let me
help you.
Ben, I need to have you here with me. I couldn't bear it if
you were suddenly gone. Please, Obi-Wan. Come home. I need you.
I love you. You will always be my Padawan, even after you have
taken a Padawan of your own. Please, Ben. Come home.
Love, Your Master,
Qui-Gon
"What does 'Ben' mean?" Obi-Wan asked quietly, tears falling
down his cheeks.
"Um," Bob hesitated. "I think it's an endearment from
Qui-Gon's homeworld. It means beloved son, or something to that
effect. Why?"
Obi-Wan handed over the letter and curled into the fetal
position on his bed and began sobbing.
Bob scanned the letter quickly, has attention drawn more to
the very upset boy on the bed. "Obi-Wan, what's wrong?"
"How can he still love me after what I did? He doesn't need
me. I'm only going to get him hurt again. I'm a failure to
him," Obi-Wan buried his head in his knees and wouldn't say
anything else.
"Obi-Wan, how did you fail your Master?" Bob placed the pad
aside.
"I g-got hurt. I c-couldn't help anymore. B-Because of m-me,
M-master got hurt," Obi-Wan managed to choke out between sobs.
But his thoughts still spun over the contents of the letter.
How can he love me? How can he say he loves me? He never
showed it. What if he just wants me better so he can dump me on
someone else?
"After what I did to him, how can he say that I saved him?"
Obi-Wan didn't realize he spoke aloud until Bob answered
him.
"Obi-Wan, you did save him. You pulled him to safety, even
after your own legs had been crushed."
"But if I h-hadn't been sh-shot, if I h-had deflected the
b-blasts, it wouldn't have h-happened th-that way. It was m-my
f-fault."
"Obi-Wan, it wasn't your fault. You were deflecting blaster
bolts from two different directions. There wasn't anything else
you could do." Bob tried to reason.
Obi-Wan didn't answer.
The healer moved to sit next to Obi-Wan on the bed. "Why won't
you talk to your Master about how you feel?" he asked
softly.
Snuffling noises were all that came from the boy for a few
minutes. Bob didn't think he was going to answer and was going
to try again when Obi-Wan started to speak quietly.
"Master told me that I should talk to him about anything. But
I just couldn't talk to him about this." He kept his eyes glued
to his hands. "Since I got back from Melida/Daan, things have
been strained between us. There was something in our bond that
just doesn't feel right. He was never open with me to begin
with, but he seemed more distant since I, uh, left the order."
He paused to wipe tears away. "I just felt that if he wouldn't
share with me, I didn't need to share with him."
"Why did you feel this way?"
Obi-Wan sighed. "I just can't--" He stopped, trying to put his
thoughts in order. "The Master/Padawan bond is supposed to be
something strong and special, drawing together the pair more
forcefully that even the blood bond between parents and
children. I don't feel like I had that. Master was always
distant. I felt that if he wasn't going to develop that kind of
bond, then he didn't want to have that kind of relationship. He
didn't want to know what I felt. So I didn't tell him about
anything. I shielded since my release from the healers. I
didn't want him to know how guilty I feel. That it was my
fault."
Bob and Obi-Wan sat in silence for a few minutes. Bob wanted
to talk about the suicide attempt, but felt that Obi-Wan wasn't
ready, and that he needed to confront the other demons
first.
"Obi-Wan," Bob started breaking the silence. "I want you to
write Master Qui-Gon a letter, telling him exactly how
you feel. Be honest." At the boy's look of panic he quickly
added, "Don't worry. He won't get angry. He desperately wants
some contact from you. I think it may be easier for you to talk
to him this way, until you feel that you can sit and talk with
him."
"What should I tell him?" Obi-Wan whispered.
"Whatever you want. But he needs to hear from you. He really
does miss you. He is in a lot of pain as well." Bob debated
internally over whether or not to tell the boy about Qui-Gon's
own attempt to take his life, but felt it would only deepen the
Padawan's guilt.
"Okay," Obi-Wan nodded.
Bob rose. "I need to see some other patients. Why don't you
write the letter, and I'll come back later and take it to him,
okay?"
Obi-Wan nodded again, and took the pad that Qui-Gon's letter
was written on, and began to type slowly as Bob exited.
Bob bumped into Lida on his way out of the Healer's Ward.
"Bant, don't forget to get those messages off to all the human
knights, masters, masters with human Padawans and the
crèche masters," she was instructing when they collided.
The Healer's pads fell to the floor, and Bob knelt to help her
pick them up.
"Problem?"
"Possibly," Lida sighed. "There have been a few cases of
Marscacian flu. I need to get the word out to all the humans in
the temple."
Bob whistled. "We haven't seen that around here for
awhile."
"One of the new initiates is from Marscacia. I don't need an
epidemic on my hands. How's Obi-Wan?"
"Improving slowly. I need to get him and Qui-Gon
speaking."
"Well, good luck. I gotta get these lab reports done." Lida
hurried out and Bob continued on his way.
"Healer Bob?"
At the timid voice, Bob turned back into the ward. Obi-Wan was
standing in the doorway with a pad in his hand. "Yes
Obi-Wan?"
"I finished the letter." He handed the pad to the healer. "Do
you think you could, um," he hesitated.
"Not read it," Bob finished.
Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, please. I mean, not until after Master
Qui-Gon has." He ducked his head in embarrassment.
"Of course Obi-Wan. But I hope you will tell me about it, when
you feel up to it." Bob smiled. "You should get back to your
room now before Lida catches you."
"Yes, Healer Bob. Thank you." Obi-Wan limped back to his
room.
Master Qui-Gon-
I'm not sure what to say. Healer Bob said I should just be
honest with you, so I shall do my best.
I'm sorry that my incompetence got you injured on Lirdra. If I
had only been paying more attention, I wouldn't have missed
that blast that got me.
I read your letter, saying you love me and need me by your
side, but you're wrong. I am nothing but a failure and you
deserve better than a failure of an apprentice that I am. I
would understand if you want to be rid of me. I know that you
only took me as your Padawan initially because you felt sorry
for me. Now you only feel sorry for yourself.
Not that I blame you. I would feel sorry for myself too if I
had a Padawan like me. I don't regret at all having been your
apprentice, I only wish we had bonded a little better. I'm glad
to have been your Padawan, even for a short time. I'm sure
there is an initiate out there that will benefit from your
knowledge and experiences.
Please forgive me for not being able to deliver these words in
person, but it is too painful for me to see you in such pain.
Thank you Master Jinn for being a wonderful master, even to a
boy you never wanted.
May the Force Be With You,
Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Qui-Gon put the pad down with a sigh. Do you see now what
your coldness has done? A fourteen year old boy doubts himself
so much, because of you. He tried to ignore the voice in
his head, but it wouldn't go away.
"I need to talk to him, to explain why things happened the way
they did," he spoke to Bob softly. "I don't know that another
letter will be enough. I need to see him."
Bob shook his head. "I don't know Qui-Gon," he said
skeptically.
"Please Bob."
"Write another letter. When he gets it, I'll see if he'll see
you. It's the best we can do right now."
"Qui-Gon," Bob started. "Tell me about the other day."
Qui-Gon shook his head. "I thought I already did."
"You told me what happened. To start healing, I need to know,
and you need to talk about what you felt."
"Where should I start?"
"Wherever you want."
Qui-Gon thought for a moment before speaking. "The other
morning, when Obi-Wan came to breakfast, something seemed
wrong. My sense of him was different. He'd been keeping up
strong shields since we returned from Lirdra. He still is
actually." He touched the part of his mind where his Padawan's
presence normally was, constant and familiar, full of light.
The spot was cold and dark.
"But he wouldn't talk to me. That worried me. Obi-Wan hasn't
been very open with his emotions toward me at all, but I don't
think he's talked to anyone. Normally he seeks out Bant if
something is really bothering him. I can't really blame him for
not talking to me I guess. I did the same thing. If I needed to
talk, I'd find Mace, or Master Yoda to talk to, instead of my
Padawan." Qui-Gon paused before getting back on track.
"He passed up breakfast that morning, and for, I don't know
how many mornings in a row. I know my apprentice doesn't have
much of an appetite when he's upset, but he usually eats a
little at each meal."
"He's has spells like this before?" Bob interrupted.
"Not so bad as this one, but yes. I've been so withdrawn and
cold and measured with how far I was willing to push our bond,
and it led Obi-Wan to doubt himself, severely. After missions,
sometimes training exercises, he becomes withdrawn. I think
it's a coping mechanism, to cope with not having his Master be
a stronger presence in his life. Particularly after an
especially stressful mission or test." He sighed and
continued.
"I made an appointment with the Healers for that afternoon;
Obi-Wan had morning classes, and I had an early meeting with
the Council.
"I came home from my meeting and fixed myself some lunch,
wondering where my apprentice was. Bant came in then, worried
about him as well. Then we heard the crash and found him on the
fresher floor.
"I saw him lying there, and I knew what happened, but I
couldn't believe it. At first, I couldn't understand what had
caused my Padawan so much pain that he needed to try to kill
himself." Tears formed in his eyes at the still fresh memory.
"After his heart stopped in the hallway, and Mace had to drag
me away so I wouldn't be in the way, I realized what Obi-Wan
meant to me, and how my coldness and distance had hurt a young
boy.
"Qui-Gon, you know it wasn't all your fault." Bob
reasoned.
"Sure, mentally I know that. But in my heart, I can't believe
it." Qui-Gon tried to explain.
"Is that what drove you to try to kill yourself?" Bob decided
it was time to broach that subject.
Qui-Gon sighed. "I don't think I knew what I was doing. I
didn't even get the pills out until the bottle of vodka was
half gone. I was drunk, tired, heartbroken, depressed, and the
pills were there, waiting. I stared at the bottle, knowing it
would be so easy to just end it. But before Mace came over,
there was something that was holding me back.
"The alcohol brought up some very vivid memories. My failure
with my last apprentice, and my failures, of a different sort,
with this one. I gave my full heart to Xanatos, and he ripped
it out. I had nothing to give, or so I thought until I met
Obi-Wan. And it took him trying to take his own life for me to
see that I could love again.
"And I thought, what kind of man does that make me.
That I would hold back from a boy, that which he was so willing
to share. I couldn't be a Master if I couldn't even be a man. I
was willing to cause pain in a fourteen-year-old so I wouldn't
have to feel again. And the pills were there. I could have
erased my miserable existence. Luckily, I guess on your
perspective, Mace arrived before I could get any farther than
contemplation."
"How did he change your mind?" Bob interrupted softly.
"He told me that if I killed myself, it would destroy
Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon looked green having to admit that he never
thought of his apprentice's well being while wallowing in self
pity. "He told me I was being selfish. And he was right. Not
hours before I broke down in a sobbing heap at Master Yoda's
feet, pleading that I loved the boy, and there I was, ready to
take my life, with the assumption it would make that boy's life
easier." He shook his head. "I don't know what I was
thinking."
"Have you meditated on any of this? Released these feelings
into the Force?"
"I've tried," Qui-Gon confessed. "But I'm finding it difficult
to concentrate."
Bob nodded. "I can understand that. I feel you won't be
completely at peace with yourself until you can release your
feelings to the Force. You will always carry them with you, to
be sure, in the form of memories, but losing the immediacy of
them will help you find yourself calm again. Meditate with
someone, if you think it will help your concentration. Mace
should be willing to help."
"I'll ask him. I'm up to giving it a try," Qui-Gon
answered.
Bob glanced at his chrono. "Are you eating okay?"
"I'm trying to. Forcing myself to eat is not one of my
favorite pastimes."
"Well," Bob said with a smile. "Keep it up. I don't want to
see you in the Healer's clutches with your apprentice."
Qui-Gon nodded as Bob rose. "Will I see you tomorrow?" Qui-Gon
asked the healer.
"Probably. If I don't see you before then. Force be with you,
Qui-Gon."
"And with you," Qui-Gon answered. When the healer left, he sat
down to compose yet another letter to his Padawan.
Qui-Gon had been pondering over what to say to his Padawan
when the door chime sounded. "Enter!" he called.
Mace stepped through. "Hey, Jinn. How about you let me take
you to lunch," it wasn't really a question.
"Mace," Qui-Gon growled. "Don't start."
"Come on. You need to eat. And you definitely need out of this
apartment," Mace glanced around. "Other than to go to the
Healers, have you left at all?"
"No," he mumbled.
"Let me take you to the commissary. Get you out of here for
awhile." Mace was getting that persistent tone in his
voice.
"I can't deal with any questions right now," Qui-Gon tried to
argue.
"We'll sit in the back, and no one will bug you with me
around," he flashed what he thought was his most charming
smile.
"I'm not hungry?" Qui-Gon suggested weakly. He knew it was a
lost cause to argue with Mace, but he was willing to try.
"Poodoo. Come on," he took the pad out of Qui-Gon's hand and
set it on a table. "We're going to lunch. Whatever you were
working on can wait." He helped the injured man up, and roughly
led him to the door.
Bob entered Obi-Wan's room carrying two of the healing wards
meal trays. Obi-Wan looked up at his appearance and took in
both the trays.
"You aren't going to make me eat all of that are you?" he
asked Bob with wide eyes.
Bob laughed. "No, Obi-Wan. One of these is my lunch."
"You eat healers food by choice?" He couldn't believe
it.
"It's not that bad, Obi-Wan." Bob said with a smile.
"Yes it is. I guess it just goes to show how good of a cook
Master Qui-Gon really is."
"Hmm," Bob mused. "Maybe my master was a really bad cook, and
that's why it doesn't seem so bad."
"Maybe," Obi-Wan answered as he lifted the cover off the tray.
He grimaced. "Your master must have been a really bad
cook."
Bob laughed again. Obi-Wan's dry sense of humor was beginning
to appear, as he started to recover, little by little. But
there were a few hurdles left to get over. Bob watched as
Obi-Wan ate slowly, still struggling a little to force the
nourishment into his body.
The apprentice stopped eating with about half the food
remaining on the tray and pushed it aside.
"Done already?" Bob asked.
"I'm not really that hungry," Obi-Wan shrugged.
"Is that why you quit eating before?" Bob eased into a line of
questioning.
"Sort of. When ever I get upset, I tend to lose my appetite,"
he explained. "Usually, I can hide it okay from Master Qui-Gon,
by forcing myself to eat a little when he's around, but I think
he noticed this time." The boy looked at his hands, clenched in
his lap.
"He did notice, Obi-Wan. He was very worried about you. Why
was it so much worse this time?"
"I don't know."
"Obi-Wan," Bob waited until he looked up to continue. "What
happened the other day?"
The boy's eyes returned to his hands. "I was supposed to meet
Bant for lunch. I wasn't hungry at all, so I got a small tray,
to try to eat something. I guess Bant was running late, because
I couldn't find her in the commissary. But I," he hesitated. "I
ran into Bruck."
"Bruck Chun?" Bob asked. It had been hoped that Bruck's
becoming a Padawan would change him, help him relieve some of
his anger, but so far, it didn't seem to have worked.
Obi-Wan nodded. "He's hated me since the crèche. I
don't know what I did to him to make him hate me," he trailed
off then got back on track. "Bruck got in my face, called me
'Oafy-Wan' and told me my master felt sorry for himself for
taking me as a Padawan, which he only did because he felt sorry
for me.
"I got angry. I can't remember if I was mad at Bruck or
myself. I threw my tray at him, out of frustration, and he
deflected it, right into the back of Bant's head." His eyes
never left his hands the whole time he narrated the events in
the cafeteria.
"What happened then?"
"I went to the Gardens, to think. I decided that Bruck was
right. The only reason that Master Qui-Gon took me was he felt
sorry for me, after I was willing to take my life for his, and
the other miners. I was so tired. I couldn't sleep; I was
having nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat at night. All I
wanted to do was sleep, get some real rest. And I thought I
found a way to sleep."
"Then what did you do?"
"I went back to my quarters. My mom, when I was brought to the
Temple, gave me a dagger. It had been in my family for
generations. I always carried it with me, in my boot. It was
the only thing I had as a memory of my life before the Temple.
A few years after I began my training, my parents were killed
in an accident. My brother went to live with family somewhere,
one of the outer rim planets, I think."
Bob wasn't sure where Obi-Wan was going with this story, but
he just sat patiently and listened.
"I thought it was only appropriate that I use that dagger. The
lightsaber seemed, I don't know, overkill somehow. I cut off my
braid first, thinking that if I failed in the attempt, at least
the message would get across. Then I," he hesitated again. "I
cut myself." His eyes strayed to his left arm, bandages
covering the cuts, exposed with the short sleeved hospital
gown.
"Why did you cut yourself, Obi-Wan?"
"I don't know," tears filled the boy's eyes, and he didn't try
to hold them back. "Bruck said I was a burden to my Master, and
since Lirdra, I didn't have any reason not to believe him. If I
was truly a burden, what better way to remove the burden than
to remove my life? Master Qui-Gon didn't want me, but he
wouldn't admit it. I thought I could help him see how much
better off he would be without me." The tears spilled down his
face, hot and salty, and he slowly wiped them away.
"Obi-Wan," Bob said slowly. "Your Master loves you very much.
You were never a burden to him."
"But I was!" Obi-Wan shouted. "It was my fault he got
hurt!"
Bob sighed inwardly. He could see that no matter what he said
to Obi-Wan, the boy wouldn't believe it unless he heard it from
his own Master, and not just in a letter.
A tap on the door broke into his thoughts. Lida poked her head
in the room. "Healer Bob, can I borrow you for a moment?"
"Yes, Master Lida."
The healer withdrew as Bob rose. "I'll be back in a minute
Obi-Wan. Take a moment to calm yourself down, try to find your
center. I won't be long."
Mace and Qui-Gon wove through the crowded cafeteria. Mace
pointed to an empty table near the back and Qui-Gon headed for
it as Mace joined the herd of Jedi in the food lines.
Qui-Gon took a seat facing the wall, his back to the other
patrons. He hoped that by keeping his back to them, the rest of
the Jedi would leave him alone.
Waiting for Mace to bring their lunch, Qui-Gon still puzzled
over what message he should send his Padawan. How can I make
the printed words carry the same weight as my voice? Maybe a
voice message? He was mulling over that idea when Mace appeared
with a tray heavily laden with food and drink.
The bald master placed a cup of soup, half a sandwich, and a
mug of tea in front of Qui-Gon, and sat across from him,
reorganizing his lunch on the tray. Qui-Gon looked at the
amount of food remaining in wonder.
"Mace, it's a good thing you sit on the Council," Qui-Gon
said, gesturing with his soupspoon. "You keep eating like that,
they'll have to roll you onto a ship."
Mace snorted. "Very funny. This is pretty much my one meal for
the day, so lay off."
"Ah, Yoda keeping you busy?" Qui-Gon asked with a sly
grin.
"Shut up, Jinn and eat." Mace growled.
"What's he got you doing? Running errands?" Qui-Gon thought a
little payback was in order. Mace dragged him down here; he
could endure a little harmless bantering.
"Jinn, I'm warning you," Mace waved his hand around, a piece
of fruit stabbed on the end of his fork.
"Did he make you do finger paint duty in the crèche
again?" Qui-Gon remembered the last time that had happened.
Mace's head came out looking like a cheap Isdarian vase.
Mace made a flinging motion with his fork, and watched as the
fruit went flying into the back of a passing young Knight. The
Knight turned, and saw the occupants at the other end of the
table laughing at what they had seen.
Thinking they had been responsible, the Knight responded by
hurling a plateful of Barkonian peas at the laughing Jedi. In
turn, those Jedi launched the contents of their trays in the
Knights general direction, hitting diners passing, behind, and
in front of the target.
Mace and Qui-Gon watched the commissary erupt into a giant
food fight. Qui-Gon nearly fell out of his chair laughing when
a bowl of soup was overturned onto the head of Bruck
Chun.
At a surge in the Force, Mace and Qui-Gon looked at each other
knowingly. "Master Yoda," they said in unison. They rose, ready
to beat a hasty exit before they got caught in the middle of
the melee.
Yoda appeared, carried on the shoulders of a tall initiate.
Qui-Gon had just caught a glimpse of his Master when he
disappeared from view again as a crème pie smashed into
his face and knocked him off his perch.
Qui-Gon, who was still laughing at the image of soup running
down Bruck's face, only laughed harder at his Master's
misfortune. He took a step, and not watching where he was
walking, slipped in a puddle of spilled Leveian pudding. He
over compensated, and tried to regain his balance. A searing
pain ran through his back, and he ended up flat on his back on
the floor.
"You okay?" Mace stood over him.
"No," Qui-Gon finally stopped laughing as the pain seeped
through.
Mace put a page into the healers, asking for a stretcher to
come retrieve the fallen Master.
The food had ceased flying when Master Yoda had been knocked
from his perch. The small Master resumed his vantage point and
called out through the room. "Responsible for this, who
is?"
Fingers pointed in every direction, at everyone and no one.
Yoda sighed, and half closed his eyes, casting out with the
Force. He re-opened his eyes and glanced around the filthy room
before settling his gaze on Mace, who was trying to cower in
the corner.
"You think Yoda was keeping you busy before," Qui-Gon
whispered.
But before Yoda could make any public pronouncement, the
healers arrived to cart off an injured Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon was hefted onto an examination table in the Healer's
ward. He grunted in pain when Lida gently rolled him on his
stomach to do an exam. The man's tunic had to be cut away,
since he couldn't lift his arms to remove it. The muscles of
his back were bunched and tight.
Lida reached out with the Force as she ran probing fingers
down the prostrate Master's spine. "Well, Qui-Gon," she said.
"I don't know exactly what you did, but you did it well. Is
that pudding in your hair?" She administered a painkiller and
muscle relaxant.
Qui-Gon, face down, grunted an affirmative.
Lida turned to Mace, a questioning look on her face.
Mace sighed. "Food fight," he explained.
"Food fight? Started by whom?" the healer asked.
The relaxant and painkiller kicked in enough for Qui-Gon to
turn his head to one side and utter "Mace."
"Hmm," Lida mused. "And from what I've heard, it wasn't the
first time either."
"Hey!" Mace protested. "This time it was an accident."
"You mean it's true?" Lida burst out laughing.
Mace just grunted and leaned up against the wall, crossing his
arms over his chest and not saying anything more.
"I'll tell you about it sometime," Qui-Gon said. "Yoda had to
dream up a whole new classification of punishment for that
one."
"Well, it's a good thing you have a story to tell. You'll be
staying here awhile." Lida made a note on a pad, and then
picked up another. She glanced at something for a moment.
"Don't go anywhere," she said to Qui-Gon with a smile. "I'll be
right back."
She made her way to Obi-Wan's room, where she knew Healer Bob
was talking with the boy over lunch. She tapped on the door and
poked her head in. "Healer Bob, can I borrow you for a
moment?"
"Yes, Healer Lida."
Bob rose and followed her out. Lida didn't return to the main
ward though. She stopped in a small storeroom.
"What's up?" Bob asked.
"Qui-Gon's here, with a back injury. I need to keep him, at
least over night, but probably a couple days. Thing is," she
explained, "With the increase of flu cases, I don't want to
keep him in the main ward."
Bob followed her thinking. "You want to put him in with
Obi-Wan?"
"Only if you think it's a good idea."
Bob mused. "I think it could be a good step towards healing,
but I don't know if Obi-Wan can accept it."
"Should we ask him, or just tell him it's the way it has to
be?"
"He'd probably be more willing if we don't give him the
choice," Bob said hesitantly. "But I don't know how much more
damage it could do. I know he needs to hear certain things from
Qui-Gon, but I had a conversation in mind, not them being
roommates."
"What do you think? I can keep him in the main ward, but I
don't know if it will be good for his health."
Bob sighed and shrugged. "Try it overnight. I can talk to
Obi-Wan again in the morning, and see how things are
going."
"Okay." Lida headed back to her waiting patient, and Bob
returned to Obi-Wan's room, trying to think of a way he could
break the news to the boy.
Bob took a moment to compose himself before re-entering
Obi-Wan's room. He wasn't looking forward to telling the boy
the Master he had been avoiding for days was going to be his
roommate. He sighed as he tapped on the door and let himself
in.
Obi-Wan had wrapped his arms around his knees, which were
being hugged to his chest. The tears had dried, but he still
looked upset and tense. "Is Master Qui-Gon out there?" he
whispered.
He sensed his Master's presence. That explains it. "Yes
Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan looked at his knees. "Is he okay?"
"I don't know, Obi-Wan. Lida says he needs to stay for a few
days." He tried to catch the apprentice's eyes, but Obi-Wan
kept looking away. "She would like him to stay here with you,"
he said, hesitatingly.
Obi-Wan looked up and met the healer's gaze finally with wide
round, wide, sea blue eyes. The little color in his face
drained away at the suggestion. "W-why?" he choked out.
"There's a flu going around, and Lida has those patients out
in the main ward. She doesn't want your Master out there,
because the flu is very dangerous to human force sensitives,"
Bob explained slowly. "You don't have to do it. If you're not
ready, we can put him out in the ward, but" he didn't finish
the sentence. Bob felt slightly guilty for trying to lay a
guilt trip on the boy, but he didn't seem to have a
choice.
"Is it very dangerous?" Obi-Wan asked quietly.
"The flu?" Obi-Wan nodded. "It can be, for humans." Bob moved
to sit next to the boy. "Obi-Wan, I know this is very hard for
you, but it's really best for your Master. And," he took a deep
breath. "It might give you the chance to talk with him."
Obi-Wan stared at his hands. If I don't let Master Qui-Gon
stay here, he could get very sick. But if I do, I don't know if
I can take it. But can I let Master suffer because of me again?
What will he think of me then? I can't do this! Yes, I can.
It's only a couple days. I can do this. I can.
Bob watched the boy carefully as he debated internally. He
could tell when Obi-Wan had come to a decision. The slim
shoulders seemed to tense even more, just slightly, as if he
was ready to go into battle, and his expression became one of
controlled calm.
"Okay," Obi-Wan said. "I can do it."
"Obi-Wan, are you sure?"
The boy nodded. "I have to do this."
"Okay, Obi-Wan. I need to go talk to Lida. But I'll see you
tomorrow. Would you like to go to the Gardens?"
The apprentice nodded eagerly. "I would like that very much. I
haven't been out of here in days!"
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then." Bob closed the door
softly behind him and went off to tell Lida she could move
another bed into the Kenobi room.
Lida decided to move Qui-Gon into Obi-Wan's room as soon as
possible. She figured the quicker Qui-Gon was there, the better
adjusted Obi-Wan would be. She had Bant and one of the other
Healer Apprentices move a spare bed into the room while she and
Healer Davin maneuvered Qui-Gon onto a stretcher.
As the healers were rolling Qui-Gon out of the main ward, he
grabbed a hold of Mace's arm, and pulled him down to look him
in the eye.
"Mace, would you go back to my quarters and bring me a few
things?"
Mace nodded. "What do you need?"
"A pair of pants for starters. And my data pad. There are a
couple of books I've been wanting to read. It looks like I have
time now." He sighed.
"No problem. Is there anything I can get for Obi-Wan?" Mace
asked.
"I-I don't know. Would you ask him, before I get in
there?"
Mace nodded again, and trotted off to check on Obi-Wan's
needs. He knelt again at Qui-Gon's side when he returned a few
minutes later. "He wants his pad, so he can catch up on some
studies. And a new set of pajamas, and clothes he can 'go out
in'. I think Bob's taking him out tomorrow." He paused. "Are
you going to be okay with this?"
Qui-Gon would have nodded, but he couldn't. "I think so. I'm
more worried about Obi-Wan, if he's okay with this. I know he
gave us the okay, but,"
"I understand." Mace rose. "I'll run and get this stuff for
you two. Give you some time to re-adjust to being together, and
then I'm sure I'll be a welcome distraction." He smiled.
"A distraction, at least," Qui-Gon said dryly, but with a
smile.
"Jinn, you better be nice to me. You're immobile, and I know
where you're sleeping."
"Point taken."
"Force be with you. I'll be back in a bit," Mace patted his
friend's shoulder, then left the ward.
The healers wheeled Qui-Gon into his new room. Obi-Wan stayed
back out of the way as his Master was hefted onto the spare
bed. The Master's face was tense, and coated with a light sheen
of sweat.
"Qui-Gon?" Lida asked.
"Pain killer wore off," he grunted through clenched
teeth.
Lida dug a hypo out of her pocket and pressed it to his neck.
His features became less tense as the drug entered his system.
"Better?" she asked.
"Mm-hmm," he answered, his eyes closed. He didn't mention the
tightness in his chest, or the lightheadedness he was feeling,
thinking it a side effect of the drug. Reaching out with the
Force, he relaxed and the symptoms passed.
"Okay," Lida said. "I'll come check back later. Page me if you
need anything. Qui-Gon, I doubt you can move, but don't even
try it. Stay in that bed."
"Yes, ma'am."
She smiled at Obi-Wan. "Make sure he follows orders Padawan,"
she said with a wink.
Obi-Wan ducked his head. "Yes, Healer Lida."
"You boys behave yourselves," and she shut the door behind
her, leaving Master and Padawan together for the first time in
days.
Qui-Gon turned his head to the side as much as he could to
look at his Padawan. "Hello, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan sat on his bed, looking at his hands, once again
folded in his lap. "Master." He answered. Then shyly, "What
happened?"
Qui-Gon sighed. "I slipped in some pudding."
Obi-Wan looked up finally, one eyebrow arched in
questioning.
"Master Windu inadvertently started a food fight in the dining
hall," he explained.
"Really?" Obi-Wan asked with a smile.
Qui-Gon's heart lightened a little with that small smile. His
apprentice was peeking out from behind the mask of a scared and
tired boy. "Yes, Obi-Wan. Really." He spent the next fifteen
minutes telling his Padawan about the food fight, leaving the
boy laughing, especially when he heard of Bruck's
misfortune.
Qui-Gon had just finished his tale, and Obi-Wan was trying to
recover his breath when a tap sounded on the door and Mace
poked his head around.
"Is it safe?" Mace asked, as he stepped through the
door.
"Only if you don't have any food," Qui-Gon said, sending
Obi-Wan into another fit of giggles.
"Jinn! You had to tell him, didn't you. Can't keep anything to
yourself," Mace separated his goods into two piles and placed
them at the foot of each bed.
"Too good of a story not to share," Qui-Gon would have
shrugged, but wasn't able to.
Obi-Wan was still giggling softly when Mace suddenly turned on
him. "What are you laughing at Padawan?" He asked with mock
sternness.
"You really started a food fight? Is Master Yoda hunting you
down for finger painting duty again?"
Mace turned back to Qui-Gon. "You told him about that
too?"
"That wasn't me. I actually heard about that one from my
apprentice. You know how gossip spreads through the Temple,"
Qui-Gon said.
"Padawan, where'd you hear about that?" Mace demanded.
Obi-Wan could barely speak, he was laughing so hard. "Master
Yoda."
Mace threw his hands up in the air. "That's it! I knew the
troll was out to get me."
"Mace he's been 'out to get you' since you stole his gimmer
stick when we were initiates," Qui-Gon said calmly, winking at
his apprentice.
"Jinn! You said you wouldn't tell anyone," Mace practically
whined.
"Master Windu, just how much trouble did you get into when you
were younger?" Obi-Wan asked through his laughter.
"Too much. And if your Master doesn't watch it, I'll teach you
all the nasty tricks I played on my Master, that he never heard
about."
"Not a good threat Mace," Qui-Gon spoke up. "I know all your
tricks."
Mace grunted, and Bant entered with two dinner trays.
"Hi Obi-Wan. Master Qui-Gon," she said cheerfully as she
deposited the trays on their tables. "Dinner."
"Ew," Obi-Wan stated as he lifted the cover off the heated
tray. "How much longer do I have to eat this sithly
stuff?"
"Not as long as I do, I would wager," Qui-Gon told his
Padawan. Though he had eaten little lunch, he wasn't hungry at
all. The Master actually felt extremely tired, and slightly
chilled.
Bant helped the long haired Master raise his bed so he was in
a sitting position. "Do you need any help, Master
Qui-Gon?"
"I think I can manage Bant. But thank you."
"Well," Mace said. "I think that I should leave, seeing how
food and I aren't exactly getting along today."
That statement caused Obi-Wan to start giggling again, and
Bant to look around in confusion, trying to get a grip on the
joke. Obi-Wan waved her "I'll tell you later" and the healer
apprentice just shrugged, and followed Mace out of the
room.
The Master and Padawan ate in silence, though the Master
mostly picked at his food. When they were finished eating, both
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon read quietly. It wasn't long before a
healer apprentice came to collect the cold trays. Once he left,
Qui-Gon placed his reader aside.
"Obi-Wan?"
It took a moment for the boy to look up. He caught the look on
his Master's face and set the pad on the table near his
bed.
"Padawan, I feel I need to explain something to you." The
Master's bed was almost horizontal; only his shoulders were
slightly elevated. For once, it was the older man that couldn't
lift his eyes from his hands.
"I owe you an explanation, Padawan, and an apology." He
stopped for a moment, organizing his thoughts.
"I know you feel I took you as my apprentice because I felt
sorry for you. That is absolutely not true. When you
insisted on blowing up the collar on Bandomeer, you made me
realize how blind, and foolish, and selfish I had been.
"I resisted taking you as my Padawan because of my past.
Because of my failure with Xanatos, I was afraid of failing
again. I couldn't risk another young life in my hands. There
was still time before your birthday, after I saw you fight at
the Temple. I knew there was another Master out there that
would snap you up in an instant. I just couldn't tempt the
Force with another bright boy under my tutelage. But the Force
had other ideas, and we traveled together to Bandomeer. I
ignored the growing bond between us on the trip to Bandomeer,
because I was afraid."
Tears began to roll down the Master's face, and Obi-Wan sensed
the truth behind the words.
Qui-Gon continued. "Even after I took you as my apprentice, I
kept you at arms length. I never let you get close to me,
Padawan, and for that I apologize. I didn't realize the pain I
was causing you. There I was, telling you to be open with me,
but I was never open with you."
Obi-Wan's eyes misted at his Master's words. He moved from his
own bed to his Master's side. "Master-"
"Shh, Ben. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I couldn't
let you get close. Xanatos ripped my heart out, and I-I
couldn't bring myself to share it again. I tried to keep you
out of my heart, but I couldn't. So I ignored it instead, the
feelings that had been absent from my life for so long. Love,
pride, friendship, happiness. I'm so sorry Obi-Wan. So sorry."
Qui-Gon mumbled the last words as exhaustion overtook him and
he slipped into sleep.
"Oh, Master," Obi-Wan sighed. "I always knew the real reason,
I just wouldn't believe it," he whispered, not wanting to wake
the sleeping man. He eased off the bed and limped slowly to the
wall to turn off the main lights.
Before curling up with his reader, he tucked his Master in,
and lowered the bed down flat. "G'night Master," he whispered,
and crawled into bed, reading for a while, until he fell into
the most restful sleep he'd had in a long time.
"Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon mumbled in his sleep. Sweat beaded
up on his forehead and his cheeks were red. He tried restlessly
to turn in the bed in the healer's ward, but his cramped back
wouldn't let him.
Obi-Wan woke to his Master's movements. He made his way to his
Master's side in the small room they were sharing. He placed a
small hand on the older man's head and drew back at the heat.
He quietly paged the Healer on duty.
Qui-Gon began to scream. "Obi-Wan No! Please don't let it be
true! No! No! Obi-Wan please!" He began to cry.
Obi-Wan shook his Master gently, trying to wake him up.
"Master please, you're having a nightmare. Master? Master, wake
up." But Qui-Gon didn't stop his stirrings.
Lida arrived with Bant close on her heels. "What
happened?"
"He's having a nightmare. I can't wake him and I think he has
a fever," Obi-Wan said, flustered.
"He has a high fever," Lida said, taking a small blood sample.
"Bant, go get me some cooling cloths, and ice water."
"Yes, Master." Bant looked at her friend with sad eyes before
hurrying out of the room.
"Is it the flu?" Obi-Wan asked quietly.
Lida nodded. "Obi-Wan, I need you to use your bond to calm him
down. Can you do that?"
Obi-Wan drew back. "I d-don't know. I haven't opened my side
of the bond since Lirdra."
"You have to try Obi-Wan. By sensing your presence, he won't
feel abandoned. That's how the flu does most of its damage to
force sensitive humans. It wraps the mind in a fog and isolates
them from the Force and the outside world all at once while the
fever attacks the body. Qui-Gon will feel utterly alone, unless
you can break through and talk to him, and convince him he his
not alone. Can you do that, Obi-Wan?"
"I can try," Obi-Wan said bravely. Do, or do not, there is
no try. The old lesson replayed its self in his mind. He
closed his eyes and dropped the shields that had been up for
over two weeks.
He could feel his Master's presence in the back of his mind,
familiar. But the sense of it was wrong, confused and lost. He
searched along the bond, finding his Master's shields crumbling
under the stresses of the fever ravaging his body. The space
beyond the shields was a dark misting fog, an unclear path for
the apprentice to follow. The Padawan relaxed even farther and
extended himself into his Master's mind.
Master! He called out, searching for his Master's
presence amongst the confusion he felt. He was overwhelmed by
the emotions surging through his Master. Guilt and fear, pain
and sorrow. He pushed them aside, and continued his
search.
Obi-Wan?
The response came faintly, from far away. Obi-Wan drove
himself deeper into his Master's mind, determined to draw him
out of the swirling fog of emotion that was separating him from
the outside world.
Master, I'm here. Focus on my voice.
No. You can't be here. You're dead. I saw you die. You died
in my arms, on the fresher floor.
No Master! Obi-Wan pleaded. You're not alone. I am
here with you. Hear me Master. Listen to my voice. I'm not
dead. It was a nightmare.
Not a nightmare. I saw it happen. You killed
yourself.
Master, I tried. But I failed. I'm still here. We're in the
Healer's Ward. You're very sick.
No! You're dead. It's my fault. I should've seen it. All my
fault. I waited too long. I should've taken you as an
apprentice sooner. My fault you're gone. My fault.
Obi-Wan saw the memories his Master was trapped in. He saw
himself lying on the floor, his severed braid at his feet, a
dagger in one hand. He saw his Master staring at a bottle of
pills on the table, next to a near empty bottle of something.
He could feel the emotions his Master had felt then. Guilt,
extreme guilt.
No Master. I'm not dead. Listen to my voice. See me
Master. Obi-Wan opened his end of the bond fully, letting
all his emotion rush into the mind of the older man. Master,
find me. Let me help you. His love, passion, fear, guilt,
all of his emotions cut through the murkiness of despair that
the flu created in the mind.
For a moment, Qui-Gon was able to see his apprentice, and a
moment was all he needed. Ben?
Master? Relief surged through Obi-Wan as his Master
became more focused.
Yes, Obi-Wan. I can see you now.
Then follow me, Master. Obi-Wan slowly began to
withdraw from his Master's mind. Once he was out, he sagged,
exhausted. Bant caught him under the arms and eased him into a
chair.
Qui-Gon's eyelids fluttered, and then opened. Lida was
standing above him, but glancing to the side. He turned his
head slightly and watched Bant lower his Padawan into the chair
at the side of his bed. Padawan? He sent, stretching out
one hand slightly.
I'm okay. Obi-Wan took the large hand in both of his
own.
Relief coursed through Qui-Gon at hearing a response through
the bond. That part of his mind had been quiet for far too
long. No longer was that corner dark and empty, but full of the
light of a young boy.
Lida removed the cooling cloths they had laid on as she ran a
scan of Qui-Gon's health through the Force. The fever had been
reduced to a low-grade temperature, but there was still
something troubling about his breathing. "Qui-Gon."
The Master looked up at the Healer.
"How do you feel?" She placed a hand on his chest to sense his
breathing better. It was shallow and slow.
"Chest-hurts," he gasped, "a-little. Hard-to-breathe."
"Master?" Obi-Wan asked.
Qui-Gon responded by squeezing his apprentice's hand. It's
okay, Padawan. Don't worry.
Obi-Wan turned his eyes to Lida. "Healer Lida, what's
happening?"
"Bant get me a mask, and the broad base antibiotic we've been
using on everyone else," she ordered. "It looks like Qui-Gon
might have pneumonia. Qui-Gon," she said, "look at me
please."
The Master's eyes had drifted shut, and they opened slowly at
the request.
"Qui-Gon, we're going to give you an oxygen mask, to help you
breathe, and an antibiotic to help fight the infection." She
looked him directly in the eye. "Do you understand?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "Obi-Wan?" he asked of the healer.
"He'll be okay. We'll keep a close eye on him," she soothed as
Bant came back in with the supplies she asked for. Qui-Gon
closed his eyes again.
"Healer Lida?" Obi-Wan asked, looking for answers on faces and
finding none.
She took Obi-Wan aside and motioned Bant to fit the oxygen
mask. "Your Master is worried that you might pick up what he's
got. It's possible, so I want you to tell me immediately if you
feel ill, or not well in anyway."
"Okay," Obi-Wan nodded. "I can stay with him?"
"Of course." She guided him back to the chair at his Master's
side.
Obi-Wan resumed his place, once again taking his Master's hand
in his own. Qui-Gon's eyelids fluttered at the touch, and he
turned slightly to face the apprentice.
"Shh, Master. Just rest. Everything's going to be fine," he
said.
I'm so sorry Padawan. The Master's eyes remained
closed, but he still faced Obi-Wan slightly.
For what?
For the last few weeks. I should have been paying more
attention, should have seen the distress you were in.
"Shh, Master. Don't worry about that now. We can talk later.
Just rest, Master. Rest," he urged softly.
Qui-Gon nodded, a necessarily small motion. His features
slacked a little as he gave in to sleep.
Bob stood in the doorway, taking in the scene before him.
Obi-Wan sat in the chair at his Master's side, his hand still
clutching the larger one, his head resting on the bed. Bob
padded quietly to the boy's side. "Obi-Wan," he shook his
shoulder gently.
Obi-Wan stirred a little. "Just a few more minutes, Master,"
he mumbled.
Bob smiled and tried again. "Obi-Wan, wake up young one," and
shook a little harder.
Obi-Wan came around, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as
they focused on the healer. "Healer Bob?"
"Good morning Obi-Wan," he said softly.
"What time is it? What's going on?" Obi-Wan asked
wearily.
"It's late morning. I thought you might want to get something
to eat."
Obi-Wan's stomach rumbled at the mention of food. "I'm
actually hungry. What about Master Qui-Gon?"
"He's sleeping, he'll be fine," Bob said, with soft force
behind the words.
"Okay," Obi-Wan said reluctantly. He pulled away from his
Master to find his boots.
Qui-Gon mumbled something as Obi-Wan finished fastening his
boots. The apprentice moved back to his Master's side. "Shh,
Master. I'll be back in a bit," he soothed. Qui-Gon quieted and
fell back in a peaceful sleep.
Obi-Wan and Bob walked slowly though the Temple halls, making
their way to the dining hall. They walked in silence, each
dwelling on their own thoughts.
"Why don't you get your food to go, Obi-Wan," Bob suggested
when they entered the crowded hall. "I think I promised you a
trip to the Gardens."
Obi-Wan nodded as he took in all the Jedi. He didn't really
feel like talking to anyone, and rumors spread fast in the
Temple, so it was a good bet everyone knew what had happened
between him and his Master.
Picking out a sandwich and a muja fruit, Obi-Wan rejoined Bob
at the entrance/exit of the cafeteria. They resumed their slow
trek to the Gardens.
"How are you healing, Obi-Wan?" Bob asked.
"My legs are better. They ache a little, but it's a good ache
you know? Like the pain lets you know you're alive," Obi-Wan
tried to explain himself.
Bob nodded. "I understand."
"My back doesn't hurt at all, where I caught the blaster bolt,
the bacta did good there."
They reached the Gardens and settled themselves under a
Pajamla tree by the river. They ate slowly, making small talk
about the Gardens.
"So Obi-Wan, how did you and Master Qui-Gon get along
yesterday?" Bob had a good idea what had happened, given
Obi-Wan's reaction to leaving his Master's side.
"After dinner, we talked," Obi-Wan said. "Well, he talked and
I listened."
"About what?"
"He apologized. For not taking me as his Padawan sooner. He
explained it to me. Why he did, and how he felt. And I believed
him. I felt like I had known all along, but he made me
believe," he stated. "And I knew then, the letter he sent me,
it was all true. He really does love me.
"And then last night, when I had to go inside to find him, I
saw what he had seen. I felt what he had felt. Only, he was
reliving it in his nightmare, and in that world, I had
succeeded. I felt his pain, the pain I caused. And I saw my
Master consider killing himself. I know I was responsible for
that. But I don't feel responsible for Lirdra anymore.
"I was inside my Master, through our bond, and now I fully
understand that I was not to blame, and that my Master has
forgiven me. I could feel it. I can feel it. We've
opened to each other, finally." He stopped speaking and looked
up at the healer. "I feel complete," he said shyly, with a
small smile.
"I'm glad, Obi-Wan. That you've become connected, and that
you've finally forgiven yourself." Bob smiled at the
apprentice, who yesterday was a frightened boy, now a young man
at ease with himself.
Obi-Wan's eyes went unfocused for a minute, as he seemingly
stared off into space.
"Obi-Wan?" Bob asked.
The apprentice turned to the healer, a huge grin on his face.
"Master Qui-Gon is awake. He says he's proud of me for being
able to leave this morning." He glanced at his chrono. "But can
we go back now?"
"Sure, Obi-Wan. And I'm proud of you too."
Master and Padawan were released from the healers after a
weeks stay. Qui-Gon made a rapid recovery from the pneumonia,
and thankfully, the Master thought, Obi-Wan remained
healthy.
Immediately upon their return to their quarters, Qui-Gon
ordered Obi-Wan to the shower. "Wash your hair, Padawan, you
need a haircut."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan answered and gathered a change of
clothes and headed to the fresher.
In the shower, the apprentice moved to undo his braid, but
found it missing. Tears came to his eyes as he remembered. He
had forgotten he'd cut it off. The symbol of his training, the
three strands representing him, his Master, and the Force
united as one unbreakable chain.
He washed his hair, and let the tears flow, silently. He
didn't know what had happened to the braid. Get a grip!
he scolded himself. You can start a new one. It's not that
big of a deal. But it is! Another part of him
answered. It was a symbol of commitment to the Order, to my
Master, and I want it back!
He finished his shower, scrubbing his face clean of tears. He
dressed and ventured out into their quarters.
Padawan, fix us some tea, and have a seat in front of the
couch. His Master's voice sounded in his head. I'll be
there in a minute.
Yes, Master. He putsed around the kitchen, boiling
water and finding his and his Master's favorite teas. He
settled himself just as Qui-Gon appeared from his
bedroom.
Qui-Gon sat on the couch behind where Obi-Wan sat cross-legged
on the floor. The Master pulled out a pair of shears and set to
work trimming the ginger colored hair in front of him. The pair
sat in silence, their bond open, emotions flowing, but
comfortable in each other's presence.
A wave of sadness flooded the bond and was gone as Obi-Wan
raised hesitant shields. Qui-Gon kept trimming as he spoke.
"Don't hide from me, Ben, there is no need. What's
wrong?"
Obi-Wan sighed and took a sip of his cooling tea. He waved to
his right ear, where unbeknownst to him, his Master had left
the hair a bit longer. "My braid," he said.
"Mm?"
"I cut it off, and I don't know what happened to it," Obi-Wan
tried to duck his head, but Qui-Gon gently tugged on the hair
in his hand to keep it level.
"You can start a new one," he tried to console his
apprentice.
"I know," Obi-Wan sighed again. "But,"
"It was special," Qui-Gon finished.
"Yes. I thought I would have it until I was knighted. I never
thought I would have to grow a new one."
"I understand," Qui-Gon finished cutting and placed his hands
on Obi-Wan's shoulders. "I lost my braid, when I was seventeen.
Master Yoda and I were sent to mediate a difficult series of
negotiations. Something went wrong, and I was taken hostage by
one faction. My captors cut off my braid, which I'd had for six
years, because they knew what it meant to me. They made me
watch as the burned it, along with my cloak and tunic."
"What'd you do?"
"I started a new one. Although Master Yoda had very little
hair then as well," Qui-Gon smiled. "But you won't have
to."
"Master?" Obi-Wan turned to face the older man.
Qui-Gon pulled an object from his pocket and handed it to the
boy.
Obi-Wan took it, and ran his fingers over the twining hair,
one strand the dark brown of his Master, the other two his own
reddish locks. "You saved it?"
"Yes, Obi-Wan. I thought you might want it back."
"Can you reattach it?" he asked shyly.
"I think I can handle that," Qui-Gon said, taking the braid
back. He held the severed end to the longer tuft of hair behind
the boy's right ear. Obi-Wan felt a strong burst of the Force
as the two ends weaved themselves together.
Qui-Gon undid the braid, to replait the longer section that
had just been added, and to repair the rattiness of the braid.
When he finished, he tied the end with a yellow cord.
Obi-Wan turned to face his Master, fresh tears glistening in
his blue-green eyes. "Thank you Master," he choked out.
"Come here, Padawan," Qui-Gon held his arms out and Obi-Wan
launched himself into his Master's embrace and cried. Qui-Gon
rocked him gently, surrounding him in his love and the warmth
and comfort of the Force.
After awhile, the sobbing stopped and the tears dried up. "I'm
sorry Master, I didn't mean to,"
Qui-Gon cut him off, "Shh, Ben. It's okay. You shouldn't be
afraid to show your emotion. It's not healthy to keep in all
inside."
"But there is no emotion, only the Force," Obi-Wan
protested.
"Obi-Wan, that's all well and good, in the middle of a
mission, but at home, after what you've been through, it's
alright to let it go. Don't you feel better?"
Obi-Wan nodded.
Qui-Gon gave him another squeeze. "Good. Now, go clean
yourself up. We've got a meeting with the Council."
"A mission? Already?"
"I don't know. But whatever it is, we'll do it
together."
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