DISCLAIMER: The usual. Nothing I do for fun brings me any money
anyway, and besides, George, I spent another $56 on Episode I
stuff today... so I'm like paying YOU already...
RATING: Oh, PG I guess. Just angst here.
WARNINGS: None
SPOILER: For the Jedi Apprentice Books
TIME: Directly after the events in "The Hidden Past", book 3 in
the Jedi Apprentice book series.
FEEDBACK: Positive stuff welcomed
E-MAIL: peacewind@home.com
ARCHIVE: to M_A archive only, with e-mail address
NOTE: I was in a MOOD this morning, and had to dash off this
little thing so I can settle in and get some real writing in.
SUMMARY: Qui-Gon reflects on the terrible thing he has
allowed... again.
Though it is only a few hours journey to Gala, I have time
alone in my quarters on the transport to contemplate something
that weighs heavy on my heart.
Phindar. My new padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, had successfully held
off the efforts of the memory-wipe droid because of the simple,
little Force-sensitive river stone I'd given him for his
birthday. I remember the flush of relief through my mind and
body when I realized Obi-Wan's memories were still intact...
and that feeling, now that I recall it, fills me with utter
dismay.
No. It's happening all over again. A bright, noble, intelligent
spirit has again invaded my life and again threatens my heart.
Force, no... the last time I'd allowed same to touch the core
of me, his betrayal nearly ruined me as a man and as a Jedi.
Why did I have to fall in love with Xanatos?
Why, in fact, did I have to fall in love at all? A Jedi's life
is a hard life, we are told from the creche. Yoda told me, oh,
so long ago now, that I have always had an affinity for the
living Force, that I feel life fiercely, feel its
pulsing, its brightness bleeding light through my being. I am
not a man of visions or precognition, or at least no more than
the average Force-sensitive is, but a man of NOW, of being
utterly in the moment and in union with all life. Such is my
curse... and my gift. But what it means is that my heart is
constantly at risk because I care for life so much.
I love caring for them - the beautiful young lives who come to
us so full of promise, learning to walk in the Force for the
first time, learning to love and use their special sense. Since
I was a little older than Obi-Wan is now, I had already been a
teacher, signing up for as many classes to teach as my master
permitted while we were on Coruscant and he was attending
Council meetings. Even later, when because of my training needs
Yoda took a leave from the Jedi Council to travel with me and
teach me my work as a Republic diplomat, I always seemed to
find children to whom I would tell stories of the wonders of
the universe.
My first padawan - ah, those had been days of pure joy! Kalinda
soaked up my lessons and bloomed like a flower, taking his
trials earlier than normal and then off to serve the Republic
as a Jedi Knight at the side of his beloved Hilan who had been
in creche with him. Their trials were nearly at the same time,
and all were happy when they teamed up - personally and as
Jedi.
Then Xanatos flooded my life with brilliance. But he'd seen
early on how eager and open my heart was, aching to find my own
love. So, in his two-faced, sadistic manner, Xanatos managed to
string me along all those years. I nearly paid for it in my own
blood.
All that hope died within me. I was so foolish and arrogant,
and loved way too much, and it hurt me deeply. I thought that
wound roughly patched over if not healed... and then we faced
Xanatos again on Bandomeer.
Now it's happening all over again. Obi-Wan is as promising, as
talented, as smart and clever as Xanatos ever was. Already my
heart leaps when I see he is all right, and when I believe him
to be in trouble, a pain lances through me. How can this be
happening again? how can I let it?
And, damn it, I cannot leave behind Obi-Wan now. As if I ever
had a chance to. I already care for the boy, and I'm going to
be fond of him, dote on him. I will love him, oh, yes, I can't
help it. Obi-Wan is the bright star on my horizon and he will
even heal me a little of the pain. He will be my son, my
brother, my best friend, and my true companion. We will be
soldiers for the Light together, my Jedi padawan and I, and
lighten hearts wherever we go.
But, please, Force, please... don't ever let me fall in love
with him when he turns a man. I cannot risk my heart like that
again. I have taken lovers for pleasure and release, but my
heart was only risked that once, and never again I swear. I
cannot not bear the pain again. I will do as I must,
concentrating on my work and the little hard-won serenity I can
find, finding my delight in the simple living things of the
galaxy and in the satisfaction of helping the others find their
way on the path to peace. That will be enough. It must be
enough.
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