Master Apprentice
Archive
The Very Secret Diaries of...
|
|
|||
Archive: M_A; anyone else, just ask
Category: humor/parody
Rating: R
Warnings: very silly
Spoilers: TPM
Series: God I hope not
Summary: Based on the LOTR secret diaries.
Disclaimers: You the man, George. The only thing I'm getting for this is some cheap thrills and (hopefully) some feedback. The Aging Hippy is from the Sith Academy.
Notes: Not beta'd. Run. Hide.
The Very Secret Diary of Mace Windu, Jedi Councillor
Day One
Boring Council crap. Never noticed how annoying the LGT's voice is. QG & OW returning from mission. Had head waxed; looking hot.
Day Three
Day Five
Day Six
Day Fifteen
Day Eighteen
Day Twenty-Six
Day Twenty-Seven
The Very Secret Diary of Darth Maul, Sith Apprentice
Day One
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Ten
Day Eleven
Day Twelve
Day Thirteen
Day Twenty
Day Twenty-Three
Day Twenty-Seven
The Very Secret Diary of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Padawan
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Eight
Day Nine
Day Fifteen
Day Sixteen
Day Seventeen
Day Twenty-Two
Day Twenty-Five
Day Twenty-Six
Day Twenty-Seven
Day Thirty-Four
The Very Secret Diary of Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Eight
Day Nine
Day Eleven
Day Fifteen
Day Sixteen
Day Seventeen
Day Twenty-Three
Day Twenty-Five
Day Twenty-Six
Day Twenty-Seven
Finis
QG & OW back w/ Naboo queen, whiny kid, & big frog. They claim to have fought a Sith; am thinking QG just out of shape. QG v. yappy about boy -- sensing QG about to make his move on OW. Am planning countermove.
Tested boy. Much whinier than previously expected. Refused to train him, so QG tried to dump OW. Must have given up trying to get around 'no nookie w/ your padawan' rule; is now taking extreme measures. Must keep QG & OW together -- have no shot at OW if the hippy gets his hands... on... his... hmm. Couldn't get a decent look at OW's ass. Damn uniform. LGT unexpectedly helpful; harassed boy and set him on path to Dark side. Think LGT might want to shag OW too. Ick!
Big hullabaloo in Senate; didn't pay much attention. LGT definitely after OW. QG & OW returning to Naboo w/ queen. Am thinking OW is doing the big frog. Cried all day.
Palpatine elected S. Chancellor. Have v. bad feeling -- caught him looking at my ass yesterday. Shudder.
QG killed by Sith; guess he was right after all. Oh well. OW all alone & vulnerable. The Force is with me!
Went to Naboo to comfort OW, but couldn't ditch the LGT. Damn. Considering calling SPCA to have him neutered. The LGT, not OW.
Funeral for QG v. sad. Had to fight off fellow councillors to comfort OW. Got in good grope at wake. Am thinking badass council dudes his type -- go me!
Got up, ate breakfast, zapped w/ purple lightning. DS plotting something w/ fish-guys. Am eager to reveal my Sithly might to Jedi, but don't want to get hopes up.
Pedicure day. Gah! Unspeakable horror. Will rise up and slay master once uncontrollable shaking passes.
Tuna casserole for dinner tonight -- plans to slay master aborted.
DS pissed at fish-guys -- sending me to kill queen-chick and Jedi. Sounds fun. Will rise up and slay master when get I back.
Arrived on Tatooine. Let probe droids hunt for Jedi; am lazy today. Will definitely be changing dress code after I rise up and slay DS. Black looks cool, but is v. hot.
Found Jedi ship. Spent day watching hot young apprentice w/ nice ass. Forgot to look for other Jedi. Forgot about slaying DS. Forgot name. V. tired, wrist sore, but worth it.
Fought old Jedi hippy; kicked his ass. Go me! Will soon be ready to slay master. Aging Hippy rescued by hot young apprentice w/ nice ass. Resisted urge to reveal self to Hot Apprentice.
Queen escaped. DS pissed. Purple lightning. V. bad.
Arrived on Naboo for second chance to please master. Fish-guys insisted on full-body cavity search for 'security reasons' -- suspect DS wanted holo-recording. Must wait here for Jedi -- hope Hot Apprentice is one of them. DS lax w/ purple lightning when fish-guys screw up. Not fair! Am v. pissed.
Theed v. dull. No bars, no whores. Am bored, sober, & horny. Fish-guys starting to look good. Gah!
Revealed self to Jedi. Am thinking Hot Apprentice impressed w/ my extra-long lightsaber. Otherwise average day. Pro: Killed Aging Hippy. Con: Got colossal wedgie from fancy kicks. Pro: Had Hot Apprentice at mercy. Con: Cut in half. Pro: No more purple lightning. Con: CUT IN HALF. Pro: Dead Aging Hippy actually v. nice. Got phone #; might get lucky. Con: Not sure if ghosts can fuck. Damn.
Arrived at Naboo blockade -- ship v. smelly. Greedy TF quite rude; tried to kill us. Hitched a ride to planet w/ droid army. QG adopted a PLF w/ long tongue. V. long. Am worried.
Underwater city beautiful but smelly. Am starting to think everyone around here smells like Yoda's 'fresher after BBQ night at temple -- v. swampy. Tried to ditch the PLF; no success. Am v. worried.
Almost eaten by large creatures. Am developing a phobia for amphibians. Theed pretty, queen looks like gothed-out peacock -- was definitely checking out my ass. Go me! Should tell her I'm saving myself for my master. Totally kicked droid ass; don't think QG was watching. Am depressed. Need chocolate.
Hyperdrive shot, landing on small desert planet. QG taking grabby handmaiden and PLF freak into town for parts. Am v.,v. worried. Need ice cream.
Having strange feeling of being watched; wind keeps lifting up back of my robe. QG gambling again. Cut up his credit cards, and he bet the ship!!!! Eventually won parts for ship and another PLF -- v. whiny. No freaky tongue though; won't have to kill him.
QG attacked by tattooed freak; rescued by yours truly. Go Obi, go Obi... QG didn't notice though. Need chocolate ice cream.
Travelling to Coruscant. V. dull; too many PLF's. Had talk w/ QG -- he refuses to disobey council's rules on master/padawan nookie. Will die a virgin at this rate. Am considering mind-whammying him into sex. V. horny. Might be succumbing to Dark side. Feels v. strange.
Turns out Dark side just gas.
Arrived on Coruscant. Council dismissed threat of Sith. Don't remember much; glare from MW's head caused headache. Am positive Yoda used stick to lift back of my robe. Shudder. Not sure where that thing's been -- am not talking about stick.
Council tested PLF#2 and refused to train him. Managed to whammy QG into training the boy so I can take my trials early -- PLF#2 good for something after all. Am getting sick of whining though. After trials will find convenient air lock for him to step out of. In meantime will convince QG the boy will fall to the Dark side. Finally going to shag my master!
Plan backfired. V. upset. Fought w/ QG; cried all day. Escorting queen back to Naboo.
Long trip. Handmaidens offered orgy; that Padme v. pushy. Am holding out for make-up sex, but QG being a bastard.
Got drunk, slept w/ PLF#1. So much for saving myself. Tongue v. interesting, but cannot get swampy smell off skin. Am depressed again. Ice cream not helping.
Arrived at Naboo. Apologized to QG -- am not risking chance for nookie over whiny little PLF. Grabby handmaiden turned out to be queen. Am thinking she's shagging big green toad. V. good. Now maybe I won't wake up tied to bed dressed in frilly outfit anymore... unless QG interested, of course. Attempting coup on greedy TF tomorrow.
Tattooed monster from Tatooine killed QG. Am quite sad. On plus side, killed a Sith. Not even Yoda can say that. Go me! Promised to train PLF#2; not sure if I will. Career options just quadrupled.
Council came to Naboo for funeral. Got knighted -- woohoo! Took PLF#2 as padawan -- had feeling QG would come back and haunt me if I didn't. Do NOT want dead master hanging over shoulder while shagging PLF#1. Managed to look nobly suffering during ceremony. MW grabbed my ass at wake; badass council dude definitely my type. Pro: got eighteen phone #s. Con: one of them Yoda's.
Arrived at Naboo, OW pessimistic as usual. TF up to something; tried to kill us. On bright side, took out sexual frustration on blast doors. Met interesting native -- brainless bimbo type. V. long tongue. V long. Homilies: 5. Mind whammies: 3.
Stopped to get directions and bum a lift. JJ offered to show me how long his tongue is if we took him along. OW sulking. Homilies: 4. Mind whammies: 4.
Saved the queen. OW showing off again; got long look at his ass though. Am thinking queen looked too. Am thinking should shove queen out air lock. Good thing OW so innocent. Fought through blockade; made it to hyperspace. Tongue impressive, but had to help JJ untangle it. Ick. Homilies: 2. Mind whammies: 5.
Stranded on hot planet. Going into town, taking JJ and handmaiden along to keep them away from OW. Had to leave queen behind. Am worried. V. worried. Met whiny kid, got great idea to get OW in sack. Homilies: 11. Aborted mind whammies: 2.
Had to tell OW I bet ship in race -- actually bet him. Have got serious gambling problem. Won though. Is good being Jedi master. Homilies: 4. Mind whammies: 1.
Almost got own self killed by Sith -- laughing ass off at funky tattoos. OW brought ship around, but was in stitches. Couldn't catch breath. V. funny. Homilies: 2. Mind whammies: 2.
OW tried to mind whammy me into shagging -- doesn't know about padawan braid phobia. Shudder. Told him master/padawan sex forbidden. Sounded v. wise & masterly. Homilies: 16. Mind whammies: 6.
Something v. creepy about gaggle of identical handmaidens. Caught JJ showing queen how long his tongue is -- queen wanted to know how long my tongue is. Must not be afraid. Fear leads to suffering, suffering leads to ice cream, ice cream leads to eating it off my padawan's stomach... Homilies: 0. Too busy fending of handmaidens with mind whammies. Mind whammies: 183.
Caught JJ showing tongue to OW. Tongue significantly longer after I wrapped it around hyperdrive. Homilies: 0, unless you count the 'keep your tongue off my padawan' speech. Mind whammies: 3.
Reported to council. As suspected, council refused to train boy. All going according to plan. Have funny feeling entire council wants to shag OW -- caught Yoda looking up OW's robe. Am thinking about calling SPCA to have him neutered. Yoda, not OW. Homilies: 9. Mind whammies: 0. Stupid council.
Mind whammied OW into supporting me against council. Will start training the boy, then retire and dump him on OW. No more whiny kid, no more forbidden relationship. No more braid. Shudder. Is v. good being wise Jedi master. Homilies: 3. Mind Whammies: 1.
Plan backfired. Fought w/ OW; cried all day. Escorting queen back to Naboo.
Long trip. Handmaidens offered orgy; that Padme v. pushy. Am holding out for make-up sex, but OW being a bastard. Homilies: not in the mood. Mind whammies: whammied myself out of the Hagen Daas.
Got drunk, slept w/ JJ. Tongue too much like padawan braid; had to repeat litany of fear. Hid in queen's wardrobe -- actually quite roomy. Tea w/ faun v. nice.
Arrived at Naboo. OW apologized -- is v. good being right all the time. Handmaiden turned out to be queen -- not sure which. Am thinking even handmaidens not sure. Queen & co. shagging big green toad. Am now regretting orgy on ship. Homilies: 3. Mind Whammies: 1.
Skewered on lightsaber. Puts whole braid-phobia thing in perspective. Made OW promise to train boy -- will now have excuse to come back and haunt him. On plus side, dead Sith has v. nice ass. Gave him my #. Hope he calls. Can't wait to show him the size of my lightsaber.