Summary: Response to Sith Academy challenge a couple of days
ago. My Master made me do it!
Darth Maul lay on his back, staring at the ceiling of his
bedroom. It was a very hot summer day and his tiny apartment in
Coruscant, with the air-conditioning broken, and nowhere to go
but play video games, he had no urge to get out of bed. All he
could think about was how hot it was. How very hot.
He groaned as he heard the telltale knock at the door. It could
be one of two people: His Master, Darth Sidious, whom he had no
desire to see, or his twit neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The young
Jedi Padawan, never mind how often he ended up in bed with him,
was still not one of his most favorite people to see. He was
just too...perky. Maul growled at the thought of the smiling
Jedi apprentice, and threw a pillow at the door as it was
rapped again. He stumbled to his feet, trying to ignore the
blistering heat assaulting him as he got up from his low bed.
He staggered to the door, passing on his way through the
kitchen to refill My Apprentice's food dish, and opened the
door. It was Sidious, wearing a hideously garish forest green
tank top with lemon colored shorts. Maul wanted to kick himself
for even touching the door. "Yes, my Master?" he grumbled,
itching at his neck in fear of what dastardly task Sidious had
procured for him to do this sweltering day.
"Ah, Maul, it is nice to see you awake so early! Since it is so
hot-" Palpatine began, smiling brightly. "What? Are you going
to make me work?" Maul interrupted, glaring at the floor. "Not
at all! I was thinking that we should go out for a treat, some
ice cream, perhaps?" Sidious beamed. Maul was seriously
confused by this turn of events. Sidious was being kind to him?
Taking him out to get ice cream?
"Maul, you are bewildered. A Sith does not have to live in
squalor, my young apprentice. Nor in blistering heat. The Dairy
Queen is nearby, and air-conditioned. Let us go," Sidious
smiled. Maul nodded appreciatively, and got dressed. His
favorite 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' shirt went on, and black jean
shorts. He was grateful that he had completed the full body
tattoo. He slipped on a pair of black sandals, attached his
lightsaber to his belt, and followed Sidious outside
obediently.
Obi-Wan was out there already. "Hey, neighbor! Senator
Palpatine, you look swell!" Obi-Wan grinned happily at them.
"Ah, Padawan Kenobi! How are you doing today?" Sidious stepped
into his senatorial roll, and Maul groaned. "I'm doing just
dandy, Senator. I was just leaving for the local, DQ. It's too
hot here, and our blasted building superintendent hasn't even
called to get the AC repaired," Obi-Wan shook his head sadly.
"Ah! We were just leaving for the DQ ourselves. Would you like
to come with us?" Sidious leered, Sith Mind Whammying Obi-Wan
before he could refuse. "Master, he would've come anyway," Maul
growled. Sidious waved him away and Obi-Wan grinned, "I'd love
to spend some more time with you two, I'd be delighted!"
Life hates me, Maul thought to himself, wincing at the idea of
the simpering twit joining him and his Master. How could they
speak of Sithly things while the little Jedi brat was nearby?
Palpatine began walking off down the hallway to the lift, and
Obi-Wan walked next to Maul. "So how're you doing?" Obi-Wan
asked curiously. "Miserable. It's too damn hot, Palpatine had
to show up, and now you," Maul growled at the Jedi. "Me?"
Obi-Wan looked at him, hurt. Maul glanced at his neighbor
again, more at the Jedi's body under the loose robes, and
admitted, "Ok, really, you're not that bad, but
Palpatine...what is he wearing?" Maul grimaced. Obi-Wan
chuckled, and replied, "I can understand, I wouldn't want much
company today either. But I'm glad that you are willing to put
up with me. Oh, do you mind if my Master joins us there? I
promised him that we would get ice cream together," Obi-Wan
blushed.
Maul took notice of this, and his mind began spinning
possibilities. "I thought you were only going to date me!" Maul
cried defensively, acting as hurt and weak as he could. "Maul,
I'm sorry, I will, just Qui-Gon-" Obi-Wan pleaded. Maul shot
him as wounded a look he could manage, and pouted, "Don't talk
to me!" Maul stormed off to walk beside the eye-shocking
senator, and left Obi-Wan to run after him.
Maul still hadn't spoken to Obi-Wan since they'd gotten on the
lift, and Sidious, however he hid it, was amused, and impressed
by Maul's manipulation of the Jedi twit. Obi-Wan was
practically begging Maul to accept his apologies, but Maul
would hear none of it.
"Maul, Maul! Look at me, please? Its just sex, okay? You know
that, you knew it before, and well, Qui-Gon is my Master and I
can't just get rid of him. I'll cool it with him though, and
it'll just be you and me, okay, please?" Obi-Wan beseeched the
Sith Lord. Maul was grinning inwardly, enjoying the torment
that he was inflicting upon the unwitting Jedi, tearing him
apart from his Master. He might yet have hope in the Dark
Side... Maul smiled wickedly.
"Okay, I'll accept it. But you have to promise!" Maul demanded,
pouting at Obi-Wan. "I promise on my word as a Jedi, Maul. I
promise," Obi-Wan conceded. This is better than I thought, Maul
smiled, and nodded at Obi-Wan. "It's okay, then. But you better
do it!" he implored the Jedi. Obi-Wan acknowledged him.
They took an aircar to the DQ, then approached the red-roofed
building. Qui-gon ran out from inside the door, and embraced
Obi-Wan. "Obi-Wan, I've been waiting for you! Ah, Senator
Palpatine, how nice to see you again," Qui-Gon smiled
flirtatiously at Sidious. Sidious merely returned the leer, and
Maul glared at Obi-Wan, caught up in Qui-Gon's arms. Obi-Wan
nodded sadly, and released the older Jedi. "Qui-Gon, we have to
talk," Obi-Wan began, leading Qui-Gon away. "We'll get a
booth!" Sidious called cheerfully, nudging Maul along behind
him.
An outraged shout of "What?!" echoed from the corner that
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were talking in, and Maul glanced over
briefly, to find Qui-Gon glaring at him. Maul turned away, and
sat down in the orange booth that Sidious indicated. He could
feel the sweat that had accumulated on his legs solidifying
against the cold plastic seat. "These booths are revolting,
Master," Maul complained half-heartedly, squirming to release
his legs from the suction of the plastic. Something sticky was
on the seat, and it disgusted him as it touched his leg. He
wriggled away from the sticky spot, and Palpatine seemed
oblivious.
A waitress came over to their table, and snapped out, "Can I
take your order?" Maul glared at her for her rudeness, and
Sidious answered charmingly, "Four large vanilla ice creams,
thank you." The waitress nodded, wrote it down on her
electronic pad, and sneered, "That'll be 10 galactic credits,
and 31 Thysferr marks." Sidious Mind-Whammied her and said
quietly, "We don't need to pay." She nodded, and repeated, "You
don't need to pay."
She left, and walked off to fill their order as Qui-Gon came
storming over, Obi-Wan trying to stop him. "You-you, you are
sleeping with MY Padawan?" Qui-Gon thundered, fixing Maul with
a look of such blatant anger that the Sith was surprised he
hadn't ignited something already. A fire broke out in the
corner of the room for no apparent reason, scaring off some
Jedi Padawans on their day out, and Maul retracted his opinion
of the Jedi's powers.
"Tsk, task, you shouldn't be so angry. Isn't there some Jedi
saying that anger leads to a mythical Dark Side or something?"
Sidious interjected, saving his apprentice from certain
decapitation in a DQ. Obi-Wan backed off, trembling as his
Master calmed down, and nodded, "Yes, you are right, Senator. I
apologize for my actions." Sidious merely smiled, and led
Qui-Gon off to the side. Obi-Wan sighed in relief and sat down
across from Maul.
"I thought he was going to kill you!" Obi-Wan smiled at the
Sith. Maul nodded, acting scared as best he could, and replied
meekly, "I know. Does he usually get so out of control?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. The waitress came back with the ice
creams, and lay them before the two apprentices. Obi-Wan smiled
at her in thanks, and she ignored him, rushing off to the next
customer.
"Hey, Obi-Wan!" another Jedi Padawan sauntered up to their
table. "Tenplí! Good to see you! Maul, this is my old
friend Tenplí. Tenplí, this is my boyfriend,
Maul," Obi-Wan introduced him. Maul could have killed him, but
merely smiled, keeping his rage controlled. Tenplí
smirked quirkily, and pouted, "What, I missed you when you were
free? Damn!" "No, man. I broke up with Qui-Gon for Maul, just
now," Obi-Wan clarified, inviting the young Jedi to sit beside
him.
Tenplí sat down, and grimaced, "Gods, these seats are
sticky." Obi-Wan shrugged. "Here, since I don't think Qui-Gon
will be joining us, you want some ice cream?" Obi-Wan shoved
one of the vanilla cones at his friend. Tenplí shrugged,
and took it. "So how long have you two been together?" the
twit's friend asked, looking at Maul's tattooed face and at
Obi-Wan's shiny clean one. "I'd say at least a few months now.
We haven't really been keeping track," Maul replied, doing his
best to be as peppy as these irritatingly happy Jedi.
"Oh?" Tenplí raised an eyebrow at Obi-Wan. The twit
blushed, and admitted, "We just kinda ended up sleeping
together a lot, and I don't really know when we began as a
couple or whatever." Maul grinned inside at his boyfriend's
embarrassment, then frowned. Had he really thought of Obi-Wan
as his boyfriend? He shuddered, and tried to distract himself
by chomping down painfully on the ice cream. A cold spread
through his teeth, and rested it's agonizing touch behind his
eyes. He hacked a couple of times, and it finally faded,
leaving his to glare at the cold treat.
"No, no, man, you gotta lick it," Tenplí snorted at
Maul. "Hmm?" Maul looked up over the remains of the first
scoop. "See, like this," Tenplí slid his tongue out
deftly over his ice cream, and covered his tongue with the
white sweetness before retracting it. Maul watched as Obi-Wan
tried it, then tried it himself, flicking his tongue over the
cold ice cream, smoothing it out and dragging a small portion
back into his mouth. He noticed he didn't get the cold rush and
painful headache from eating it. ThenMaul looked across the
table, and saw the twit.
Obi-Wan noticed Maul gazing at him, and took advantage of it.
He sliped his tongue out, moistening his lips quickly, then
sliding it around the scoop's sides, smoothing it out and
coating his tongue with the white ice cream. He pulled it back
in his mouth, smiling as Maul stared at him, and darted his
tongue out for more. Obi-Wan looked at Maul, maintaining
perfect eye contact while he slurped at his ice cream, then
smiled, licking the sugary residue off his lips.
Maul snapped out of it, and Tenplí chuckled. "I'll leave
you two alone to your ice cream, then, " he laughed, and walked
off, eating his ice cream. Maul had been entranced by the Jedi
twit across from him, and now looked away. A small boy with a
helium balloon skipped by, and Maul grabbed the balloon,
seeking to torment the boy. Obi-Wan didn't notice, but the boy
began crying, and his mother shot Maul a dirty look. Maul Mind
Whammied her, and decided to give the balloon to Obi-Wan, just
to see what he would do.
Obi-Wan smiled, and grinned at Maul, "Thank you so much! You
are so sweet, Maul!" Maul felt Obi-Wan's foot slide up against
his own. They were both wearing sandals, and Obi-Wan trailed a
toe down the side of Maul's foot, rubbing against the tender
arch there. Maul's breath caught in his throat, and he forced
himself to breathe as Obi-Wan smiled at him, a gleam in his eye
despite the peppy bright smile.
The mother of the child, however, was not put off by the Mind
Whammy. She began screaming at Maul, and snarled at him, "I
don't care if you're some Jedi or Sith or whatever you are! I
have PMS and it doesn't matter! So give me back the balloon!"
She began screeching, and then tried to rake the claws that
passed for manicured fingernails down Maul's face. Obi-Wan
pulled away, releasing the balloon so it floated to the
ceiling, and she lunged at him, a bloodthirsty craze in her
eyes. Obi-Wan whimpered, and dove underneath the table as Maul
drew his light-saber.
"You leave him alone!" Maul yelled, and she charged him,
screaming bloody murder. He didn't have to move, she impaled
herself on his blade, and he turned it off, letting her body
fall to the ground. The entire DQ stared at him, then fearfully
went back to their own business, ignoring the panting Sith
Lord. Obi-Wan scurried out for beneath the table, and threw
himself into Maul's arms. "My hero!" he declared, burying his
face in Maul's neck.
Maul stroked Obi-Wan's back, staring down at the impossibly
good-looking bum of the Jedi clinging to him, and then felt a
cold wetness against his chest. "Oh, crud, Maul, I'm sorry!
That was your favorite shirt," Obi-Wan apologized, staring at
the vanilla ice cream that had fallen against Maul's shirt.
Maul stared at it in shock, a fearsome rage forming within him.
"Here, let's go into the bathroom and see what we can do,"
Obi-Wan suggested, tugging Maul off towards the WC.
Maul got into the lavoratory, and pull off his shirt. There was
still the ice cream drying against his chest, and it felt very
sticky. Obi-Wan began running water over the shirt, and Maul
submitted to his ministrations. The twit got a wet paper towel
and began cleaning off his tattooed chest. Maul ignored it
until he felt a warmer wetness against his nipple, arousing
him. It was Obi-Wan, and Maul could feel the heat rising in
him. Obi-Wan merely smiled when Maul looked down at him, and
continued licking the ice cream off of Maul's chest.
This can't be happening, I can't be in the DQ's loo with my
Jedi neighbor licking the ice cream off my chest...oh...damn
he's good! Maul moaned to himself, then noticed the ice cream
spread over Obi-Wan's cheek. "Let me get that," Maul growled,
not really caring what he as doing, even if it was with this
good-two shoes twit Jedi Padawan, and licked the sugary
stickiness off of Obi-Wan's face. Something snapped in Maul's
brain.
Somehow Maul found himself in Obi-Wan's apartment, minus his
shirt and shoes. Obi-Wan tugged him into the living room,
closing and locking the door, and Maul took time only to glare
at the two hamsters, Fluffi-Wan and Mr. Cuddles, cowering in
the corner of their massive cage. Fluffi-Wan seemed to be
protecting Mr. Cuddles, and glaring challengingly at Maul. Maul
could have cared less as Obi-Wan nipped at his throat.
"You going to stare at the hamsters?" Obi-Wan teased, using the
Force and his hands to turn Maul around to face him. Maul bared
his teeth and kissed Obi-Wan, knowing he would wake up in the
morning and hate himself. Obi-Wan fell onto the couch, pulling
Maul with him, not breaking the kiss. They wiggled around a bit
on the leather seating, and Obi-Wan breathed as Maul bit his
ear, "Gods, you are horny, eh?"
Maul chuckled to himself and lay back a little and admire the
tiny bloody marks he had left on Obi-Wan's skin, only to fall
off the couch onto something very hard and poky. He moaned in
agony, and rolled off onto the floor beside it. "Maul, Maul,
are you okay?" Obi-Wan queried in concern, pulling the Zabrak
up onto the couch again. Maul reminded himself about how strong
the skinny little twit was, and groaned, "What was that thing?"
Obi-Wan winced, and replied, "It's Qui-Gon's. It's a Thigh
Master. He says it improves his 'performance'." "I thought you
said you were going to break it off with him!" Maul glared at
the Jedi, serious jealousy erupting in him. "I have, I just
have to get his stuff out of my apartment now. Maul, I love
you, now come on," Obi-Wan grinned, and pulled Maul back into
his arms. Something snapped further in Maul's brain, something
that wasn't likely to be fixed anytime soon...
Maul awoke alone on the couch. He wondered vaguely if he was in
his own apartment, before recognizing the muted earth tones and
leather seating he seemed to be stuck to. This is worse than
the seats at Dairy Queen, he complained, trying to loosen
himself from the leather. He groaned quietly and peeled his
skin from the seating, rolling off the couch to the floor with
a dull thud. Only then did he remember the Thigh Master lying
on the ground beside the couch.
Maul tried to dislodge the metal monstrosity from his stomach,
but it wasn't working. His body felt like it was made of
neutronium, and it wasn't about to move. He let out a small
whimper, ignoring how unbefitting it was for a Sith Lord to
whimper, and rolled himself off the Thigh Master.
Obi-Wan walked in the room, and smiled at Maul. "It's good to
see you up again. Do you want some beer?" he inquired
curiously. "I would like to get up off the floor," Maul
grumbled, glaring at the ceiling. He didn't want to ask the
Jedi for help but he knew he couldn't get up alone at the
moment, his muscles hurt too much and he was too exhausted. He
was reduced to asking for assistance. "Could you, y'know, help
me up," Maul mumbled, as if slurring his words would make them
any less.
Obi-Wan nodded, and quickly pulled Maul up to his feet, and
supported him as they walked into the kitchen. "I remembered
how last time you didn't like the Guiness, so I learned to make
something that we drink at the Grey Side a lot...it's called a
Wookiee Banger," Obi-Wan told him cheerfully. At this point,
Maul would have gratefully drunk even the Guiness, his throat
was so dry...and sticky...Maul shuddered. He didn't want to
think about that. Even though Obi-Wan was stroking his hip in
such a delicious way...
Maul decided to ignore Obi-Wan's touch for now, and drank the
presented blue drink. It was familiar and quite tasty too. It
rejuvenated him at least somewhat, and Obi-Wan smiled as Maul's
eyes opened wider than the previous slit they had been. "Would
you like to see my apartment?" Obi-Wan suggested, running out
of things for him to do, since Maul hadn't responded to his
touch before. Maul nodded, figuring he could at least terrorize
the hamsters a bit more.
Obi-Wan threw in a CD into the stereo, and some Metallica
wafted forth, pleasing Maul. It was heavy enough to be his
style, and Obi-Wan smiled, sensing his pleasure from the music.
Obi-Wan guided Maul around the house, and Maul decided that
while they were in the bedroom, he might as well look in the
closet.
Maul opened the forbidding door, and glanced inside. There were
robes, Obi-Wan's leather clothing hanging inside, a couple of
unidentified pink things, and...a feather boa? Maul drew out
the boa, and looked at Obi-Wan for an explanation. "Oh, umm,
that, that is from..." Obi-Wan stammered, his face reddening
incredibly. Maul simply soaked up the embarrassment and horror
from the young Jedi, and raised his eyebrow.
"It's from the Apprentice drag show. I thought it was cute,"
Obi-Wan blurted out, blushing. Maul felt suddenly rather sad
for him, and turned around to see Fluffi-Wan chattering his
teeth and raising a tiny paw at him from it's Habitrail. Maul
scowled, and punted the rodent into the hallway, then turned
his attention back towards the blushing Jedi he was holding.
Obi-Wan, noticing Maul's return of observance, slid his hand
over the smooth skin on Maul's bum. Maul smirked, and kissed
Obi-Wan again. They struggled together until they both fell on
the bed. Obi-Wan straddled Maul, and took the feather boa from
his limp hands, and began tying the Sith's wrists to the
headboard. Maul growled at being tied up, and Obi-Wan smiled
wickedly at him, reaching into a dresser drawer for some lube.
Maul sneered at him, and teased, "Butterfingers." "Eh?" Obi-Wan
questioned, squeezing some of the thick gel onto his hand. "You
don't have to use that junk. Butterfingers, too slippery," Maul
jeered. Obi-Wan shrugged, and replied, "You're the one tied
up." The part of Maul's brain that had snapped before
completely broke off connections with the other parts of his
brain, got on a flight to Alderaan, and left for a long
vacation.
Later that night, Maul staggered into his apartment, his
clothing clutched in his hand, and he fell down on his couch.
He had managed to leave the Jedi on good terms, and was almost
waiting for the next time he would see him. My Apprentice
looked up from washing her paw, and scowled at him for
consorting with the enemy. He gave her a rude hand gesture, and
dropped his clothes on the couch before going in to shower. He
felt sticky and sore, but it had been worth it. Supposedly.
Something felt missing in his mind, but he couldn't remember
quite what it was, and since he was still alive, it didn't seem
to be that important.
When Maul finally stumbled out of the shower, more relaxed
however still exhausted, he could do naught but fall onto his
bed. He was about to try pulling the covers over him and try to
find some hatred somewhere that he could bask in, when he heard
a beeping. A very insistent beeping. It wasn't the answering
machine, now the holo-phone, but it seemed to be in the living
room. It can wait until you wake up, Maul grumbled, but finally
curiosity won out, and he dragged himself into the living room.
The beeping was louder there, and he pulled at the couch
cushions, not finding anything. Then he spied the pile of his
clothing on the floor. The beeping seemed to be there. He
picked up his still ice cream stained shirt and shook it out,
finding nothing. He shook out his shorts next, and a small
comlink fell out, beeping. He picked it up, and turned it on so
he could hear whatever call had made it beep. He must have
picked it up when he had grabbed his clothing in Obi-Wan's
apartment.
"Qui-Gon, here's your stuff from my apartment," Maul heard
Obi-Wan snort disdainfully. He grinned at the rift he had
caused between the Jedi, and wondered if he could turn Obi-Wan
to the Dark Side. He laid back on the couch, and listened.
"I don't want it back," Qui-Gon muttered painfully.
"Oh well. I don't want my boyfriend having to trip over your
Thigh Master again."
"Your darling boyfriend...he was in your apartment?!?"
"Several times, Qui-Gon. You knew about most of them."
"I didn't thin you were dating him, just sleeping with him! Oh,
Obi-Wan, please...think about it, think about us..."
"Oh, please Qui-Gon, you're embarrassing yourself. There is no
us. I don't love you, I didn't before, I never would,
now get yourself together and take your junk."
"But, remember, Obi-Wan, all the fun we had? I loved you, you
loved me, we were so happy together..."
"Yeah right, Qui-Gon. I was sleeping with you to get ahead in
my training. I'll speak to the Council in the morning about
getting a new Master."
"You know Windu will take you, and he'll do worse things to you
than I did..."
"Windu is not my concern right now. Getting rid of your junk
is."
"Please, Padawan..."
"I'm not your Padawan anymore."
"Please, reconsider, Maul doesn't love you, he's just going to
leave you the minute he sees another attractive Jedi..."
"No Mind Whammying me, Qui-Gon. I know that trick too well.
Maul will not leave me."
"Yes he will, I have foreseen it!"
"Whatever."
Maul grinned to himself in his apartment. Now all he had to do
was break up with the Jed twit and his revenge would be
complete. He switched off the comlink and screamed happily in
dark joy at the idea of destroying the Jedis' lives,
"KOWABUNGA!" He stopped himself, and looked around strangely.
Why in Sith's name did I say that?, he questioned himself,
frightened, then just let go of the thought.
Maul went into the kitchen to make himself some dinner, and saw
the answering machine's light blinking, indicating that he had
a message. He pressed play curiously, and listened in horror as
his Master's voice emanated from the small black box, "Good
Day, my apprentice. I guess that you are still enjoying your
time with the Jedi brat. No wonder, he does look marvelously
good today. Good work on destroying the bond between our enemy
and the twit. Just a small note, though, Maul: I was with
Qui-gon this afternoon, and he remarked on how he had seen, as
a measure of your skill in bed, how badly you were licking your
ice cream. Now, if you'd like any help increasing your prowess
as far as that is concerned, be assured that I would be glad to
give you additional lessons..."
Sidious' painfully chipper voice filled Maul's mind as he ran
screaming into the bathroom at the image that had entered his
thoughts. He lurched over the toilet bowl, emptying his stomach
quickly, and winced at the thought, inducing himself to dry
heave and let the acid burn his throat.
As Maul lay in the bathroom, trying to recover his sanity from
the gruesome picture that Sidious had perpetrated, a small
striped cat sat outside, grinning. Her work was almost
complete, if she got Maul to react violently to such a
suggestion gain, he might die, and she could take over, and
finally kill Maul's boyfriend's stupid hamster, Fluffi-Wan. She
smiled again, and went back to licking her ass.
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