I have written the third story in the "Illumination" series.
:O)
Warning: the following story contains hints of m/m contents. If
you are easily offended by homosexuality, please leave. If you
are below 18 and is below legal age, leave, press back, delete
...
Disclaimer: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan belong to the mighty
LucasWorld. This fic however is mine and mine alone. Its not
for profit, only the satisfaction of my readers.
Archive: MA archive (?), personal homepage
Fandom: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
Pairing: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
Category: POV, angst, hurt/comfort?
Summary: Takes place years before Star Wars: TPM, during
Obi-Wans training with the Master himself. Sequel after
"Illumination": life after the Bonding (Inspired after reading
(don't laugh okay?) the trial of Joan of Arc).
Warning: Movie spoilers predictions death
Rating: PG-ish, with NC-17 leanings (language)
Feedback: yes! yes! yes!
I keep having this dream.
I am standing on a windswept plateau or cliff of some sort,
surrounded by a glorious light as if the sun is rising
eternally. I am coated with a glowing corona, gentle gold and
orange. Flame-colored. In fact, everything is glazed with this
light.
Then I see him and my heart bursts like the dawn's sun, hot
within my chest. On light feet, I run towards him, arms
extended and he turns smiles at me. He gathers me within his
warm warm embrace.
He is wearing a simple shift made of cloth of gold, his long
hair loosened until the silver strands fall on his shoulders. I
gaze down at my own body and finds --- as always in the dream
--- that I am wearing a similar shift but its material is
different. Crimson velvet. It seems strange but I can feel the
texture of the velvet against my skin. Soft, silky smooth
extravagant.
I lift a hand to touch his cheek and he is already fading away
like a mirage. I cry out, calling his name. I begin to cry,
dampening the crimson velvet until it looks like caked blood.
As always, I hear his voice, low and gentle as usual.
"Be mindful of the Living Force."
In the day, I pretend to be the mindful and studious
apprentice, attentive to his Master's teachings. I flow through
the lessons with a serenity which surprises me immensely. I let
myself go in the day where the darkness of the night and the
dread of the dream cannot touch me. The close bond we have, the
one forged through the fire of the Force, is enough to comfort
me for a while.
Sometimes, in the quietness of the meditations, I blame the
Bond which has tied us into an inseparable entity. I am linked
to him in every way. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I am
bound to him.
But I tell myself to count my blessings, considered myself
honored. I am his and he is mine.
Yet
Yet, when the night comes and the dream creeps up to me with
tendrils of gold streamers, I shudder and wish it to go away.
Dreams are meant to be either vehicles of teaching or
premonitions. Some Jedi are blessed with the gift of dreams.
They are the prophets, the visionaries who grasp hold of an
insubstantial spirit and make it live with their words. They
channel the dream-whispers into the living world so that the
living might understand.
Yet, I am not one of those Jedi. Yes, I do have dreams that
come true. But they might be pure coincidences or products of
the intricacies of the Force.
The dream that plagues my sleep at night Is it a premonition or
a lesson?
I have a strong feeling he knows what I am going through. We
are linked, Bonded by Force-fire. But he hasn't even said a
word.
Ah, my Master and Bondmate You are always so calm, so aloof. I
never know how to break into that impenetrable shield you have
about sometimes. You are sometimes so annoying. Reckless, yes.
Stubborn to the last, yes. But these qualities are the ones
that give you life, forge your identity as Jedi Master Qui-Gon
Jinn.
When you stroke my face with your hand, I sometimes wonder if
it is either done out of patronising condescension or pure
love. I choose the latter. I can see it in your eyes.
Do you know what I am going through?
Do you seriously care?
You literally fly when we spar in our practice hall. Your long
hair tied into a ponytail, hissing in the wind as you counter
my lightsaber blows easily. I keep seeing bright green arcs
curving through the air and I can only dodge, parry.
You seem uncommonly vicious with your lightsaber strokes today.
You seem to be pouring all your energies into your 'saber
attack tactics. I have to defend, stand my ground.
What are you trying to tell me?
I pant, trying to get more air into my lungs. I spit the
tail-end of my padawan braid out of my mouth. You watch me with
your intense blue eyes
Then for a while, time seems to stop. My heart beats painfully,
slowly in my chest.
You are standing there, in that cloth of gold shift not holding
your 'saber. And for some strange reason, you seem to be
surrounded by fire. Brilliant gold and orange fire, sheathing
your entire body like an aurora. You smile
Something screams next to my ears and I see you again this time
in your normal practice tunic and pants holding your green
'saber until its tip pulsates under my chin. I know that with a
simple stroke, it will severe my jugular vein.
"Benjamin," you say sternly, your blue eyes flashing. I look up
and realize that I am sitting on the floor, my 'saber
deactivated. Ah, you are using 'Benjamin', my formal name
unlike the shortened 'Ben' you use most of the time, besides
Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are annoyed with me, I can tell.
"Benjamin," you continue, still angry. "Do you realize how
close you have come to losing your life!"
"The same goes for you, Master!" I retort and I shut my mouth,
shocked by what I have just said. Something awfully cold runs
its fingers down my back and I begin to shiver. No! I shake my
head. No!
"Obi-Wan?" You say softly and kneels down next to me. "Is there
something wrong?" I can feel your mental caress, gently
probing, never intrusive. You are concerned now.
I pulls away from you. "Nothing. Everything is fine. I am only
tired."
"Benjamin, you can't lie to me."
"I am not lying to you." I reply back, feeling as low as Bantha
shit.
"Obi-Wan!" You are raising your voice now. "I am noticing
erratic behavior from you lately. You have been wavering in
your meditations. You are terrible in your lightsaber practise.
You keep drifting away and your kata Just let me say a three
year-old child can do better than you!"
I fling a startled look at him. "What did you say?"
"I said that a three year-old child can do better than you!"
You growl but your anger is fading. You have a surprisingly
long fuse, even for the most reckless Jedi Master in the
Temple.
"Yeah right," I snort and get up from the mat, retrieving my
lightsaber.
You smile and you raise a hand, running your thumb down my
cheek to my chin. I shudder as the pleasant sensations ripple
across my being. Your presence is resonating in me and I feel
it, welcome it. I want to stroke your cheek
And you start to fade out as usual. But you are glowing with
the ring of fire about you. Be mindful of the Living Force,
your voice is whispering in my mind.
I draw a sobbing breath and strong hands grab me ---
"Obi-Wan!"
"No, you can't fade away!" I hear myself saying, like a
petulant child.
I turn and run away.
I can hear your voice calling me. You are really worried now. I
can see you rushing down the Halls of the Jedi Temple,
searching for a missing Padawan.
In the shadows of the gardens, I try to calm myself, letting
the Force flow through me like a cleansing stream. I feel your
presence. It is close. Very close.
(( Obi-Wan?))
You are standing right in front of me, arms on your hips,
glaring at me.
Sheepishly, I crawl out of the bushes.
"Young man, what in a Sith hell is going on?" You pull me into
my feet, a tad too roughly. "Now you rush out of a practice
hall without saying proper farewells to your concerned Master "
The words "proper farewells" sounded ominous. Like a
premonition.
I decide that I cannot keep playing this charade any longer. I
decide to tell you the truth. There, in the gardens, I tell you
about the dream I am having every night. I speak about the
visions I am seeing even in the daytime of you clad in that
cloth of gold shift and halo-ed with the golden fire. You
listen to me quietly, without saying anything.
Then as the evening sun begins to dim, I finish telling you the
truth. I have to turn away from you for I feel the tears in my
eyes burning unshed.
You are silent for a while. I feel your hand on my shoulder.
"Obi-Wan, look at me."
I do so and I see the sorrow in your eyes. Anger. Frustration.
"Everyone has a destiny," you say, gathering me close into your
arms. "You. Me. Everyone is born with a destiny in life. We
have to live out our destinies. It so seems that there is death
in my destiny and Obi-Wan, you have to learn to accept it."
It sounds so callous, so painful to me. I bite my lower lip.
"But its so unfair!" I burst out. "If you are Bonded to me,
then why are you going to die? What can I do? What will I do? "
You are refusing to answer me. I can tell it from your eyes.
"Damn the Bond damn everything with it! " I snap, feeling
sudden rage in my body, threatening to overflow.
It is then you slap me across the face. I can see the immediate
remorse in your eyes as you withdraw your hand.
My cheek smarts but I look at you steadily.
"What can I do, Master Jinn? Accept the truth bravely? Or run
and hide?"
We haven't said much tonight. The candle flickers in the
breeze. The silence in the room is almost physical.
I get up and goes out to stand next to the window.
In my mind's eye, I can see you shining in the horizon. Bright
gold. Then, a figure joins you in the walk.
Crimson velvet.
I can hear laughter somehow.
My fist clenches and unclenches.
I will have a whole lifetime to prepare for that day.
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