Confuse-a-Council

by Master Yo-Gurt

ARCHIVE: M&A, The Hidden Realm, The Ministry of Silly Fic

Author's archive: Stolen Moments (www.ravenswing.com/YoGurt)

CATEGORY: Humor/Parody

RATING: NC-17

WARNINGS: If you are easily startled, dumbfounded or puzzled, don't read on!

SUMMARY: The Jedi Council can't smell a Sith underneath their noses and is generally catatonic? Not to worry - just call the kind folks at 'Confuse-a-Council'

DISCLAIMER: The boyz, the Council and Jedi in general belong to the Flanneled One. The original sketch "Confuse-a-Cat" (http://www.stone-dead.asn.au/tv-series/sketches/) belongs to the goons of Monty Python. The insanity belongs strictly to me!

NOTES: Another TPM/Monty Python crossover. Face it - it had to happen sometime. Thanks to Angie for betaing, and for demanding more of this. I am forever indebt to Fishgoat, Kaiburr and DebVel (who by now goes under another name) for their fine leadership!

FEEDBACK: Want more of this? Hate this? Are indifferent to this? Or are you simply baffled beyond believe then lemme know at quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com

(Two Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, stand in front of assembled Jedi Council members in Council chamber. Council members simply sit there, doing nothing and look bored. A knock is heard on the door of the room)

Obi-Wan: "Oh good, that'll be the Sith, dear."

Qui-Gon: "I'd better go and let him in."

(The Jedi Master opens door and lets Darth Maul into the Council chamber)

Obi-Wan: "Great, it's indeed the Sith, love!"

Qui-Gon: "We're so glad indeed you could come around, Mr. Maul!"

( Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan heartily shake the Sith's hand)

Darth Maul: "Not at all! What seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Sith you know."

Obi-Wan: "See? Tell him, dear."

Qui-Gon: "Well ..."

Obi-Wan: " It's the Council members. They don't say or do anything. They just sit there in their chairs. Nothing can rattle them, look!"

(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan enter into a deep, passionate kiss. The Council looks on not moving a hair)

Darth Maul: "Are they ... brain dead?"

(The two Jedi stop kissing and look at Darth Maul)

Qui-Gon: "Oh no!"

Darth Maul (dramatically to camera): "Thank the Force for that! For one ghastly moment I thought I was too late. If only you Jedi would call me in time more often."

Obi-Wan (exasperated): "Look, Mr. Maul, my Master and I defy all Jedi taboos with our relationship. And the Council does ... nothing ! They just keep sitting there, all day, every day."

Qui-Gon: "And at night, even during our love-making!"

Obi-Wan: "Almost motionless. We have to bring their meals to them."

Qui-Gon: "They even sleep in their seats! (Qui-Gon looks critically at Darth Maul) Don't even sense a Sith right under their noses!!!"

Darth Maul: "Hm, are you at your wits end?"

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (very desperate): "Definitely, yes."

Darth Maul: "Hm. I see. Well, I may be able to help you. You see ... (goes over to Yoda's seat and lifts the little Master out of his chair, putting him down next to Plo Koon; puts on spectacles, takes out his double-bladed light saber and twirls it in his hand, then sits down in Yoda's chair, crosses legs and steeples fingers together) ... the Jedi Council is suffering from something we Sith have long hoped would happen to the Jedi. Their behavior is typified by total physical inertia, lack of interest in training obviously Chosen Ones, failure to respond to conventional external stimuli - Sith Zabraks like me, senators oozing the Dark Side from every pore, Masters and Padawans coupling against all Jedi tradition, not to mention defying the Code. To be blunt - the Council is in a rut! It's the typical old bureaucrats syndrome, the metropolitan fin de siecle ennui, Muppets for Jedi Masters, bad acting, bad scripts ... call it what you will."

Obi-Wan: "Moping."

Darth Maul: "In a way ... hm ... yes, in a way, moping. Must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me, Jedi Master, have you confused the Council recently?"

Qui-Gon (looking consternated): "Well, we ..."

Obi-Wan (grasps his Master's hand and squeezes it): "No."

Darth Maul: "Yes ... well, I think I can definitely say that the Council badly needs to be confused."

Qui-Gon: "What?"

Obi-Wan (twists braid around finger): "What?"

Darth Maul: "Confused. Startled. To shake out of it's state of complacency. Seems neither you nor I can confuse them enough, but as it happens I can recommend an extremely good service I sometimes work for. Here is their card."

Qui-Gon (reading card): "Ooooh. 'Confuse-a-Council Ltd.'"

Obi-Wan: "'Confuse-a-Council Ltd.'"

Qui-Gon: "Ah-ha."

(A speeder arrives at the Council chamber door. On it's side is a sign reading 'Confuse-a-Council Ltd.: Coruscant's leading Jedi Council confusing Service. By appointment to the future Emperor'. Several people get out of the speeder, some dressed as storm troopers, some in Jedi outfit. One of them sports the insignia of a Grand Moff)

Grand Moff: "Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Council confusers ... shun!"

(Senator Palpatine emerges from another speeder)

Palpatine: "Well, men, we've got a pretty stubborn and dense Council to confuse today, so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good!"

(Palpatine turns to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan): Would you care to help us confuse the Council members?"

Qui-Gon: "Oh ... sure. C'mon, Padawan ! "

Obi-Wan : "Yes, Maahstaaw!"

Grand Moff: " Confusers, attend to the speeder and get out the funny things. (Troopers unload speeder) Move, move, move. One, two, one, two, get those funny things off."

(Troopers erect a stage with some curtains in front of immobile Council members. Palpatine invites Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to join him and his men on stage. The two Jedi bow and take their places. The arrangements are completed. All stand ready)

Grand Moff: "Stage ready for confusing, Senator!"

Palpatine (joins stage): "Very well, carry on men, confuse the ... Council!"

(Drum roll and cymbals, the light is dimmed and spotlights are directed onto the stage. Curtains open and an amazing show begins)

(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan enter the stage, a young boy in their wake. Qui-Gon puts his hand on the boy's shoulders and addresses the Council: "This is Anakin Skywalker. He is the Chosen One, his midi-chlorian count is beyond wizard!. He will bring balance to the Force." Council remains passive, several members blink eyes sleepily. Qui-Gon continues: "This boy is causing a vergence in the Force. ... (pause) ... I will take him as my Padawan learner!" Mace and Yoda look at each other, Mace steeples fingers. Ki-Adi yawns. Qui-Gon: "I will take him as my SECOND Padawan!" Obi-Wan looks peeved: "GRRRRRR!". Council says nothing. Adi Gallia uncrosses her legs, stretches and re-crosses them. Palpatine motions for Anakin to get off stage; Ani disappears for a moment, then re-appears out of thin air wearing a black cape and a dark helmet. "I will kill you Jedi ... all of you!". He takes up a blaster and fires at Council members without hitting any of them. Some of the storm troopers join him and mow down some of the fake Jedi on stage. Council is placid to comatose. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan start to kiss passionately again, clawing wildly at tunics, leggings and boots until they are stark naked on stage. Palpatine: "A Master and Apprentice kissing? That is shocking!" Council sits without reaction. Qui-Gon fishes vial with rose oil out of the air, starts coating two fingers and rapidly inserts them into his waiting Padawan. Palpatine dances around them and looks lustily at Darth Maul. Latter growls and bites Palpatine on his neck. "At last we shall reveal ourselves to the Jedi!". He strips down to some black outfit and ignites his double-bladed lightsaber. He makes threatening motions with it towards the Council members. The Council members blink eyes sleepily. The little boy comes back and shoots with a laser gun across the heads of the Council members. The windows of the chamber crash to the ground. "YIIIPEEE, this is intense!" Yaddle starts manicuring her little claws, Mace has problems stifling another yawn. Palpatine rips off his senatorial gown and dons a black cape, stepping up to Master Windu and looking him straight into the eyes: "HA! I am Darth Sidious and I shall rule the Republic after eliminating you stupid Jedi from the face of Coruscant!" Yoda helps Yaddle file her nails, Windu looks bored. Master and Padawan roll lustily on the floor, kissing, petting, fucking each others brains out. A Gungan appears on stage, disrobes Darth Maul and starts to rim him. Palpatine is now standing over the two Jedi in lust and toys with Qui-Gon's hair while the latter pounds into Obi-Wan. The Council continues to look unimpressed. Maul goes over to the two romping Jedi and spears Qui-Gon with his lightsaber. Qui-Gon moans (we don't know whether out of passion or pain, but then they might be just the same):"AAAAHHHHH! I pray to the Gods that this works! We shall find out any minute now." A bearded man appears on stage, wearing a flannel shirt and a baseball cap with the initials 'GL'; he holds a megaphone in his hands and starts putting it up to his mouth. "Aaaaand ... CUT! Wonderful, people, that's a wrap. Lunch break for 15 minutes!")

Palpatine: "Now, if that doesn't work ..."

( After a pause the Council members get up from their chairs and file past the still-romping Jedi. Qui-Gon and obi-Wan stop their pursuit and look absolutely amazed)

Qui-Gon: "I can't believe it!"

Obi-Wan: "Neither can I. It's ... unbelievable".

Qui-Gon: "What can we ever do to repay you, Mr. Sith?"

Palpatine: "No need, Master Jedi, it's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Council."

(Picture freezes and over still of Palpatine's face are superimposed the words 'Confuse-a-Council Ltd'. Dramatic music. The words start to roll, like ordinary credits but read the following.)

CONFUSE-A-COUNCIL LTD.
Incorporating
AMAZE-AN-APPRENTICE LTD.
MYSTIFY-A-MASTER JEDI INC.
PUZZLE-A-PADAWAN LTD.
JUMP-A-JEDI & CO.
DISTRACT-A-DROID LTD.
SURPRISE-A-SITH INC.

The End