Warning: Flatulence. I can't help it...it's a plot point! I
also take a cheap shot at Jar Jar, but then, who hasn't?
Spoilers: For those of you just coming out of a coma, yes.
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Lucas and Lucasfilms, no
money made by me, for entertainment purposes only. Sueing me
only gets you my Star Wars collection. On second thought, how
about I just beg you not to?
Summary: How the end of the movie *really* happened.
Notes: Guess who got the video and got inspired? Any
similarities in this story to living and dead folks or previous
fiction is entirely accidental.
Feedback: Graciously accepted by the Gungan at the door.
Thanks: To my sweetie, AK, who is solely responsible for me
not killing even Maul in this story.
Qui-Gon breathed deeply, his eyes shutting momentarily as he
stood straight and spread his feet apart on the viridian grass.
Only a Jedi could appreciate the Force that was so prevalent in
Naboo's swamps and bug infested forests. As he opened his robes
and took himself in hand, he relaxed as he thought back to how
he had tried to get his young apprentice to appreciate the
primeval world. While Obi-Wan had listened attentively and
nodded at all the appropriate times, Qui-Gon knew he had just
been humoring his Master and in fact could not wait to blast
away from the slimy planet and immerse himself in civilization
and hot bubble baths. While Qui-Gon was not above a good soak
for the purposes of personal hygiene, he was willing to forgo
that in order to meld with the raw Force that fairly throbbed
here. Shaking the remaining drops from his penis, Qui-Gon was
caught in the green eyed gaze of a small white lizard, perched
in a low bush a scant few inches from where he was standing.
Still holding himself and smiling gently, Qui-Gon inched closer
to the tiny creature, whispering softly and hardly daring to
move.
"See little one? This is what I am talking about. I need to
teach my Obi how to appreciate life in all its myriad forms,
show him how to tap into the Force of life itself, become one
with the beings he encounters..." As it turned out, the
lizard's diet consisted mainly of large, pale worm creatures
which looked remarkably like part of Qui-Gon, and lunged out of
the bush to become one with the Jedi Master himself.
Obi-Wan, deep in discussion with the Queen and Boss Nass over
lunch at their base camp, reeled from the mental scream from
Qui-Gon and rose hastily to his feet. "If you'll excuse me, my
Master requires assistance." Dashing away from the camp,
Obi-Wan followed the slightly muffled noises of panic and
wildly rustling bushes.
Captain Panaka scooted closer to the Queen and spoke into her
ear in hushed tones. "Your Highness, the Federation army has
complete control of the city. If you ask me, we stand as much
chance as a Gungan in a salt mine to...."
The young Queen whirled towards the pessimistic commander and
hissed, "Duly noted Captain, but our plan remains the same.
Getting into the palace is our first and foremost concern. We
need the Viceroy for our plan to work, and do you have any idea
how long it has been since I have had a costume change?"
Boss Nass, the leader of the Gungans, chose that moment to
voice his misgivings as well. "Meesa not bein' so sure 'bout
dis'in plan. Meesa tinkin' maybe meesa bein' on de utter side a
de Naboosa." Amidala rolled her eyes in frustration. She found
it difficult to understand the Gungan's mutilation of her
language, but from the sounds of it, Nass was considering
backing out. She needed those Jedi to talk some sense into her
fellow inhabitants, and began walking briskly towards the
bushes she had seen the two Jedi disappear into. The Captain,
Boss Nass, and Jar Jar hopped up to join her, with Anakin
toddling after all of them.
"I understand your concerns Boss Nass, really I do. But
remember what Qui-Gon said? In order to free the planet we are
going to have to join forces and put aside our differences. We
have to become friends......" So saying, she
dramatically swept aside some concealing brush and stopped dead
in her tracks. Not ten yards away stood the elder Jedi, naked
from the waist down, his face contorting while his apprentice
knelt before him, his back to the group, tugging gently on his
Master's crotch. Qui-Gon moaned, his eyes squeezed shut, and
murmured encouragements to his lover.
"Ohhh......Obi-Wan......get it
off........mmmmm.........hurry......"
"I'm trying Master. It's just....so huge!"
"I know! Before I could stop it, it just swelled right up!"
"Well, maybe if you hadn't started slapping it..."
Amidala gathered her wits finally and turned abruptly, shooing
the stunned onlookers and a curious Anakin back away from the
two Jedi. Happily, they had been so immersed in each other,
they hadn't noticed the group, who tip-toed quietly away.
"Mmmmm...meesa tinkin' dem Jedi be veddy good friends, ehya?"
The Gungan leader waggled his bulbous eyebrows at the young
Queen, who glared at him for even remotely suggesting they form
that close an alliance. Damn those Jedi, couldn't they
keep their hands off each other for one moment? Amidala covered
the boys ears as more moaning erupted from behind them,
marching the child back into camp.
A little while later the two Jedi returned and settled back
down to finish lunch. Qui-Gon was deep in discussion with Boss
Nass and asked his Apprentice to fetch him a third helping of
the wonderful Gungan stew they were all eating.
"Ahhh, yousa liken de pop-a-bean stew, esa Jedi?" piped up Jar
Jar. "Yousa bein' careful now, or yousa blow up like de poof
lizard!"
Qui-Gon smiled warmly. "It's a wonderful dish. I'd like the
recipe before we leave Naboo."
Obi-Wan looked mildly alarmed. "Poof lizard?"
"Yesa. Dey hide in de bush, but iffin yousa hit dem, de poof
up biggin! Isa lil' white lizard an de be bitin you and de hang
on!....de not lettin' go..."
"Yes, yes, we've uh, studied them briefly." Obi-Wan stole a
glance at his Master. "This stew, it makes you....?"
Qui-Gon shot his apprentice a stern look. "Obi-Wan, I am a
Jedi. I am perfectly capable of handling local cuisine. Now, if
you would, please bring me another serving, we are going to
need all our strength tomorrow." Qui-Gon turned back to Boss
Nass, effectively dismissing his apprentice, who walked to the
cooking area with a worried frown upon his face. Queen Amidala
joined him.
"Obi-Wan, why do you seem so concerned? Does our plan have you
worried?"
"No, it's not that," Obi-Wan sighed. "I'm more worried about
Qui-Gon."
"Qui-Gon? Why? He seems very confidant."
Obi-Wan lowered his voice. "That's just it. I'm worried
he'll...he'll lose control and...turn to the Dark Side."
"The what?"
"You see, at the core of a Jedi is the ability to control the
Force, and the best expression of that is the control over
one's own body. Jedi follow a strict code of manners at all
times in public. No burping, passing wind, crotch scratching or
lightsaber duels without pinkies extended. A thousand years
ago, a rogue band of Knights decided they were not going to
follow the Jedi Code, and began dishonoring the Force with
their crude behavior."
The Queen gasped slightly and covered her mouth with a
delicate hand. "You mean...in public?!"
Obi-Wan hung his head. "Yes, it was a dark time for the Jedi.
The group was banished, and became the Sith. Since then, no
Jedi Knight has ever broken wind in the presence of another
being for a thousand years. Even hiccuping is frowned upon.
It's what defines a Jedi, it rules his very existence." Obi-Wan
took another helping of the Gungan stew and his frown deepened.
"I just hope Qui-Gon can...assimilate this stuff."
Anakin squirmed in his seat and upped his Force enhanced
cuteness, pleading with Qui-Gon to be allowed to stay close to
the Jedi during the next morning's battle. Boss Nass had taken
to calling him 'Little Grasshopper,' and it made the child
fairly nervous to be left in the care of a race of evolved
frogs with that sort of attitude. And besides, if tomorrow was
going to be his last day alive, he'd rather be watching Amidala
than the slack-skinned Gungans.
The next morning, the assault on the capital went fairly well
for the Queen, considering the odds against them. The small
band was on its way to the throne room when the hanger doors
opened to reveal a startling figure blocking their path. There
stood the Sith apprentice, his face a frightening visage of red
scribbles, ready to take on the two Jedi. Both parties mind
whammied each other into taking their clothes off, but stopped
after shedding their cloaks when they realized what they were
doing. Obi-Wan was impressed with the amount of Force the Sith
wielded at the Jedi, and couldn't help gasping when Maul
extended his saber...both sides.
"Whoa....cool!"
"Obi-Wan, keep your mind focused," Qui-Gon admonished his
young lover, "and pinkies out!"
"Yes Master." As the Queen's group of Rebels headed for the
stairs, the Knights began duelling with the agile Sith lord. He
was especially good at cartwheeling over their sabers and
sneering at them, all the while leading them deeper into the
bowls of the palace. Eventually the trio found itself in a
cavernous hold surrounded by machinery pulsing with energy.
Obi-Wan moved close to Qui-Gon.
"Master...we must be mindful of the generators. Our sabers
could set off horrific explosions."
"Hmmm? Oh, no Obi-Wan, the entire palace is run by those two
small columns over there. The rest of this is the Queen's
laundry system." Maul chose that moment to whirl around and
rabbit kick the younger man, which earned him a bitch slap from
the man's Master which sent the Sith flying off the edge of the
walkway. Qui-Gon eagerly jumped after him and soon Obi-Wan
rejoined the furious battle.
Maul ran down a hallway with the two Jedi in hot pursuit, but
just then the dryers kicked on and they found themselves
separated by super heated walls. They were effectively trapped
until the next cycle, and Obi-Wan watched as his Master knelt
into a meditative pose while the young Sith paced. The younger
Jedi bit his lip, unable to overcome the feeling that something
bad was about to happen. Their opponent was good. Very good. He
had held his own against a Master and an apprentice, and had
only now broken into a sweat from the intense heat of the
dryers. The first wall cycled through and Maul backed away,
Qui-Gon rising and following, looking just a bit wilted.
Obi-Wan rushed down the corridor as fast as he could, fearing
if he used his super-speed powers that the friction in the hot
air would toast him alive. Unfortunately, the last dryer wall
cycled shut before he was through, and he was forced to watch
his Master battle the Sith on his own.
"Pervert."
"Priss."
The taunts and sword slashes between the two combatants flew.
But while Qui-Gon had more experience, Maul had dirty tricks
and he was not above using them. In full view of both Jedi, the
Dark Lord halted his assault and, spreading his legs slightly,
he reached down and adjusted his package. Qui-Gon, gravely
offended, was stunned momentarily and Maul took the opportunity
to smack him square in the gob. The elder Jedi staggered back
with a grunt, his lightsaber flying across the room. At that
moment, the dryer wall cycled down and Obi-Wan charged through,
his saber ablaze, and distracted the Dark Lord while Qui-Gon
recovered and scurried after his own. Maul squared off with the
younger Jedi as Qui-Gon bent over to pick up his weapon....and
Obi-Wan's world changed forever.
A thunderous noise erupted in the cavernous area, echoing off
walls and pummelling the ears of the three men. Briefly,
Obi-Wan wondered when a cruiser had landed in the room, until
he realized the sound had come from his Master's bent form.
Qui-Gon froze, and Maul and Obi blinked at him in stunned
silence, the battle momentarily forgotten. Maul was the first
to regain his tongue.
"Holy Dark Lords...did...did you just cut one?"
"Nnnnnoooooooooooooooo!" wailed Obi-Wan.
A sickly grin crawled across Maul's tattooed face and he
pointed an accusing finger at Qui-Gon. "You're a Sith!"
Qui-Gon moaned. Maul's words had gone through him like a
lightsaber, and he collapsed to the floor in a tight ball.
Obi-Wan was furious, and his anger skirted the Dark Side enough
to allow him to take advantage of Maul's inattention. He toed
the Sith in the nuts and swung savagely with his saber, but
Maul blocked his strike. Being a student of the Dark Side, Maul
had been getting whacked in the goolies for years as part of
his Sith training and was not as crippled as he should have
been. His saber whizzed past Obi-Wan's braid as he kicked the
young Jedi's legs out from under him. Obi-Wan rolled with the
move, but wound up falling down a laundry chute and hanging on
for dear life to a tiny sensor embedded in the wall, his saber
clattering uselessly into the endless shaft. Maul powered down
his saber and swaggered over to taunt his opponent.
"Well, well. This didn't turn out the way you planned, did it
Jedi. Maul squatted by the rim of the chute and peered
over at his struggling prey, lips parted in a grin to show his
hideous dental neglect. "I guess now I know why the Jedi wear
such loose, flowing robes." From across the room came a piteous
moan.
"You bastard!" Obi-Wan seethed.
Maul held up a gloved finger. "Ah, ah, ah. Don't lose control
of yourself Jedi or next you'll be wanking in public
with the best of us." Despite the intent of the taunt, Obi-Wan
realized the Sith had a point and tried desperately to center
his emotions and concentrate. "You know....I was supposed to
kill you both. Now I'm not so sure that's necessary. Your
Master is practically a card carrying Sith, and damn, but you
look cute when you're all hot and bothered." He leered down at
Obi-Wan and pinched the Jedi's cheek. "It may serve our
purposes better to let you stew for a while, then pick you up
when you're closest to the Dark Side. Yesssss." Maul chuckled
evilly and rose from the floor, striding down the corridor and
taunting the young man over his shoulder. "I'll be ready when
you are, Jedi." Within moments the dark ripple in the
Force was gone, and Obi-Wan felt his fingers begin to lose
their grip.
"M..Master!" A moan answered him. "Qui-Gon! I can't hold on
much...longer. Please my love!" A tired and tear stained
face appeared within Obi-Wan's vision and two strong arms
reached down to grasp him, pulling him up to safety. Obi-Wan
clasped the older man to him, showering his face with kisses,
but the elder hung his head in shame.
"I am no longer worthy to be your Master," he said quietly.
"NO! On, no, don't do this to me Qui-Gon. You're still a
Jedi!"
"Don't dishonor the Force!" replied Qui-Gon angrily, "I am a
Sith."
"You are most certainly NOT a Sith. If you were, you never
would have helped me just now. You'd have walked away laughing,
leaving me to plummet to my death." Qui-Gon began to gently sob
against Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Trust me my love, the last thing
you are is Sith."
"But I am no Jedi either." Obi-Wan couldn't argue with that,
unfortunately, and he held his lover tightly as tears slipped
out from his eyes as well. The Apprentice realized it was
unlikely their affair would go on. Obi-Wan would be assigned to
a new Master, and Qui-Gon would slip away to a distant planet
and obscurity, taking his lovers soul with him.
After some time, Obi-Wan got Qui-Gon to stop sobbing and was
gently rocking his lover when Captain Panaka entered, holding
his nose and waving his hand in front of his face.
"Fffeeeew....what died in here?" Qui-Gon began sobbing again,
and Obi-Wan speared the Nabooian with a look.
"How goes the war, Captain?"
The man fairly beamed. "Well, there's good news and there's
bad news. It seems that the little monkey of yours, uh...what
was his name?"
Obi-Wan scowled in thought. "You mean Anakin?"
The Captain brightened. "Yeah, him! Turns out he snagged one
of our ships and single-handedly blew up the entire Federation
ship, rendering their droids useless! Also, a new Chancellor
has been elected, and it's our own Senator Palpatine!" Obi-Wan
smiled weakly. "Oh, and half the Jedi council are on their way
to Naboo to congratulate us all for our efforts." Obi-Wan
sighed. No doubt Yoda had heard the disturbance in the Force.
"And Jar Jar Binks got his tongue stuck in a turbo launcher and
had it severed off. I'm afraid your friend will be mute for the
rest of his life."
Obi-Wan nodded sagely, his brows knitting together. "Er, what
was the bad news?"
The Captain scratched his head in thought. "You know, I really
don't remember. Anyway, the Queen asked me to invite you guys
to the celebratory bash tomorrow morning. It'll be grand!"
Obi-Wan gave him a watery smile and watched the man march away.
He had to bodily drag Qui-Gon out of the chamber to clean him
up. The Jedi council would no doubt wish to see them
immediately.
The Queen had graciously lent the visiting Jedi Masters a room
in her palace to hold their council. It was small enough to be
private and yet still allowed them to look quite important.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, dressed in their brown Jedi robes, stood
with Anakin and faced Master Windu whose baritone voice boomed
ominously in the stone room.
"Qui-Gon Jinn. For no longer upholding the Jedi Code, you are
dismissed from our service. I'm...sorry to see your career end
this way, but the ways of the Jedi are not for all of us."
To his credit, Qui-Gon took the decision with grace. Bowing
his head to Mace, he stepped back from Anakin and Obi-Wan. His
face remained immobile, even as his heart broke. He looked at
Obi-Wan out of the corner of his eye for a reaction, but the
young man had mastered Jedi Poker Face a long time ago. Or
perhaps he was already leaving Qui-Gon behind.
"Anakin Skywalker. For your bravery and adept use of the Force
against the oppressors of this planet, I hereby accept you as a
student of the Jedi. You will be a Padawan of Master Yoda."
Anakin's face remained expressionless, but his whoop for joy
belied his appreciation for getting away from Qui-Gon and
Obi-Wan. Lately Qui-Gon had become a real downer, and he was
eager to be with someone who was shorter than himself. He
skipped over to stand by Yoda's seat.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You have passed the tests of the Jedi and are
granted full Knighthood. Congratulations. Now that you have
achieved full Jedi status you must begin paying into our
insurance plan. Tomorrow I will give you your next mission
assignment."
"Thank you. If it please the Council, I would like to begin
training a Padawan right away."
Qui-Gon felt vaguely sick. Not only was Obi-Wan going to go
off to another planet without him, he was all set to begin
training his own Padawan! It was all Qui-Gon could do to keep
the tears from cascading down his face. He dared another look
at his lover and was stunned to see confidence written on that
beautiful face. Of course Obi-Wan would want to get on with his
life and taking on his own Apprentice was part of that.
Qui-Gon's lower lip quivered slightly.
Master Windu considered Obi-Wan's request. "I can't see why
not. You may return to Corsucant with us and choose one."
"Actually, I have someone in mind already. Someone who is
strong in the Force, but needs some training to hone his
abilities." Anakin edged closer to Yoda, just in case. "I would
like to take Qui-Gon Jinn as my Padawan."
Obi-Wan wouldn't have thought Master Windu's eyeballs could
get any bigger, but they did. "Uh...well....this is irregular."
He looked to Yoda for some direction, but the diminutive Jedi
was too busy poking Anakin with his stick and pretending he
wasn't the one doing it. Obi-Wan stood tall and defended his
idea while Qui-Gon blinked, dumbfounded.
"Irregular it may be, but I do think it has merit. Qui-Gon is,
after all, strong in the Force. I believe he needs to be
re-trained in the use of the Force and to re-learn the control
that makes a Jedi what he is. Would you leave him to be lured
to the Dark Side when he is no longer with us?" The Council
flinched; they hadn't really thought of that. "Aside from his
lapse in control, Qui-Gon has been a shining example of a Jedi
Knight. I would be proud to have him as my Padawan." He looked
back at Qui-Gon, who was looking at him with shock and burning
hope. He was never so proud of his Obi-Wan as he was watching
the young man out-maneuver the Council. Thank the Force this
young man was Jedi. As a Sith, he would be unstoppable.
Mace shrugged. "Well, if no one else has any objections..."
The room remained silent. "Then, I guess he's yours. May the
Force be with you."
Obi-Wan accepted gracefully. "Thank you. I look forward to
being of service to the Jedi. May the Force be with you." He
turned on his heel and exited the chamber, his new Padawan in
tow. Once outside the great doors, he swept the shocked Qui-Gon
into his arms and gave him an excited kiss.
Queen Amidala climbed the long, narrow stone steps to the roof
of her castle. She had seen smoke coming from the palace, and
after having spent an hour evacuating the entire building,
discovered it was coming from a bonfire set by the visiting
Jedi. She marched to the roof with every intention of giving
them a piece of her mind, but found she was too winded by the
time she got there to even speak. Stooping to catch her breath,
she saw the small group gathered round the flame performing
some sort of ceremony. Anakin stood by the lumpy, green skinned
Jedi Master Yoda, looking serious, but he spared her a wink.
Jar Jar, his mouth still wrapped in gauze, waved weakly. A few
of the other Jedi were also in attendance. Obi-Wan had trimmed
that fetching braid he had, and was busy dumping something into
the blaze. The fire was giving off a foul odor, and she circled
around to see just what he was doing.
There sat Qui-Gon Jinn, shorn of his Master's locks, and
managing to look both miserable and elated. Obi-Wan grinned at
her and continued cutting, speaking in soft tones to his former
Master, and throwing the hair into the fire.
Master Yoda hobbled over to inspect. "Fine work, you do. Hair
stylist, you should have been."
Obi-Wan smiled and clipped the finishing touches. He held a
mirror up to Qui-Gon, who gasped in shock at his buzz cut.
Obi-Wan quickly reassured him.
"It's okay love, it's a good look for you."
"You think so, Obi-Wan?"
"Trust me. It...it brings out your eyes." He looked at Amidala
for back-up.
"Oh...er, yes! And...your cheek bones....They're to die for."
The others quickly nodded their heads in agreement.
"Well, as long as you like it," Qui-Gon spoke to his love in
hushed tones, "Master." The way he said that word sent a shiver
up and down Obi-Wan's spine, and Padawan Jinn smiled.
"Actually, aside from the fact that you defeated a Sith and
single handedly saved me from a doomed existence without you, I
think the best part is the fact that now you have to buy
me lunch.
On the far side of the swamp, Gungans perked up their ears as
a wailing "Nooooooooooo!" sounded across the green fields of
Naboo.
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