Warnings: DO NOT read this while eating or drinking!
Spoilers: A rewrite of a scene from TPM
Summary: The Real Phantom Menace, as told through
outtakes, flub-ups, and Liam and Ewan's last-minute rewrites of
their scripts.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: This is a shameless parody of Phantom Menace. I can
only hope George has a healthy appreciation for insane comedy.
All that is Star Wars belongs to George, he is my hero and my
guru and without him the world would be a much Darker place. I
submit this rewrite of TPM into evidence as Exhibit 1. I intend
to make no profit from this bit of drivel. Stay your mighty
wrath, George. I'm just a crazy writer.
Note: Brackets [ ] indicate telepathy.
View: The underwater world in the vicinity of Otoh Gunga. The
glowing bubbles of the Gungan city gleaming softly in the murky
water. Camera focus on one of the larger bubbles as a small
BONGO submarine bursts from the side of the bubble, turns
slightly and heads off away from the city.
Cut to INTERIOR of the Bongo. Only lights are those from the
controls of the submarine. Left-hand pilot's seat is OBI-WAN,
right-hand seat is JAR JAR. Behind them, QUI-GON in a center
passenger seat. A pair of fuzzy dice dangle from the Bongo's
overhead canopy supports.
JAR JAR: Dis is nutsen! (gesturing around at the nearby rock
formations)
OBI-WAN gives him an unconvinced look. QUI-GON simply settles
back grinning, watching the fish go by outside.
OBI-WAN: [Master, are you entirely certain we need this clown?]
QUI-GON: [No one gave us a map. You have a better idea?]
OBI-WAN: [We'd get to Theed quicker on a handful of
hallucinogenics, Master. And have a safer trip.]
QUI-GON just keeps grinning. OBI-WAN rolls his eyes and keeps
driving the Bongo while JAR JAR rattles on.
JAR JAR: Yep, weesa doomed. Where we goin' Cap'n Quiggon?
QUI-GON: You're the navigator.
JAR JAR: Me? Yousa dreaming. Don't know nutten, nope, nutten.
Meesa know nutten. You can't prove nutten. Meesa didn't do it.
QUI-GON: ("wise old man of the mountain" voice) The Force will
guide us.
OBI-WAN: [Oh, good answer. First you try the mindtrick on that
frog they've got for a leader, now you're talking the Force to
this amphibious clown. Can I go hide under a rock now? The
embarrassment is killing me.]
QUI-GON: [Patience, Padawan. All creatures have a purpose. It
just may take a while to reveal it.]
OBI-WAN: (glancing back to give his Master a slightly
exasperated look, but QUI-GON is oblivious, still watching the
fish go by outside as the Bongo keeps travelling.)
JAR JAR: Da Force? What tis dis Force? Maxibig thing, dis
Force, yous betcha. Gonna save us, huh? Gonna get us out of dis
mess? Meesa don't think so.
OBI-WAN: (rolls his eyes heavenward in a "Force give me
strength" kind of way) [You know, Master, we really must sit
down one of these days and discuss this tendency of yours to
pick up every stray that comes along. We've got half our level
at the Temple filled with cats, dogs, mice, bugs, and
everything else that happens to pick up on that "push-over for
a good story" aura of yours. We're going bankrupt from the pet
food bills alone. I didn't sign up with you to be a zookeeper.]
QUI-GON's grin gets a little wider. [But you make such adorable
animal noises.]
OBI-WAN shakes his head slightly. [Only because you're such an
amazing...animal trainer.]
QUI-GON: [So I'm to assume we can dispense with the whips and
chains tonight, since you're so thoroughly well-trained?]
OBI-WAN: [Unless you're feeling frisky tonight, Master. I'd
hate for you to be so completely tamed that you purr at the
slightest provocation.]
QUI-GON: [I'll be frisky if you'll meow for me.]
OBI-WAN: [It's a deal.]
JAR JAR, meanwhile, has continued to rattle on about nothing in
particular, gesturing up at the passing schools of fish.
QUI-GON: [Back to business, Padawan. George isn't paying us to
sit here flirting.] Jar Jar, are the Gungans and the Naboo at
war with each other?
JAR JAR: No, no fightin'. Long time ago, mebbe. Now, Naboo keep
outta da swamps and Gungans keep offa da land. Don't never see
each 'nother 'cept at the grocery stores and bowling alley.
QUI-GON: But your people don't like each other?
JAR JAR: Nah. Da Naboo, dey no got no style. Da Gungans, weesa
got style. Weesa got great style. Weesa bombad. Da Naboo, dey
alla time hangin' out at da coffee shops, talkin' da big-head
talk. Meesa no understand.
OBI-WAN: Why were you banished, Jar Jar?
JAR JAR: (looks slightly abashed at this) Tis a bit of a long
story, but da Reader's Digest version is dat
meesa....uhm....meesa kinda....clumsy.
OBI-WAN: You were banished because you were clumsy?!
JAR JAR: Meesa cause one or two little bitty accidentees. Very
small accidentees. Very small.
Something very large moves in the darkness of the water behind
the Bongo as it passes by a rock overhang. The "Jaws" music
begins.
QUI-GON: What did you do, Jar Jar?
The "Jaws" music continues as Jar Jar talks.
JAR JAR: (wilting under the pressure) Oh, uhm, uh...meesa cut
da wrong wire. Boom. Bombad boom. Dey still cleanin' up da
mess. Hadda call da hazmat teams. Very bombad.
The Bongo suddenly lurches to the side as something large and
hungry latches onto the aft end of the small craft, beginning
to reel the submarine toward a cavern-like mouth full of far
too many teeth.
JAR JAR: Opee sea killer! Meesa dousin' meeself in tartar sauce
now! Weesa fish food!
QUI-GON: [Put a foot in it, Padawan, get us out of here!]
OBI-WAN: [If you say "engage" I'm gonna bop you upside the
head, Master.]
QUI-GON: [Wouldn't dream of it. You look awful in red.]
OBI-WAN: [Well, I'm already a "miracle worker".]
QUI-GON: [That you are. Now work some of that magic of yours
and show me why the Highway Patrol yanked your cloudhopper
license three years running.]
OBI-WAN tosses a grin back at his Master and proceeds to
channel Mario Andretti until the Bongo escapes from the Opee
Sea Killer. Unfortunately the Opee is not the only denizen of
the deep interested in fast food. A Sando Aqua Monster starts
tracking the Bongo as it speeds by and sets out in pursuit.
OBI-WAN ducks the Bongo into a tunnel and flips switches to
turn on the headlights. Glowing phosphorescent signs appear in
the murk ahead, most notably a RIGHT LANE CLOSED 1500 FEET
MERGE LEFT. As Obi-Wan flips the lights on something sparks
under the dashboard and the Bongo starts having engine problems
and the headlights dim. The CD player cuts off and the absence
of Queen's "Highlander" soundtrack is deafening. The Bongo
starts to settle to the bottom of the cave as the power fails.
OBI-WAN unlatches a panel and starts peering inside at the
wiring.
OBI-WAN: [Damn that bunny! He stole me batteries!]
QUI-GON: [Quiet, Smurf. Relax. Nothing gets done by screaming
about it. Besides, your accent is starting to come out.]
OBI-WAN: [Sez you, ye mutant leprechaun.]
QUI-GON: [Just remember I'm the one with the Lucky Charms.]
OBI-WAN gives a long suffering sigh and starts fiddling with
the wires, trying to rewire the power past the large gaping
hole where the Energizer Double A batteries were before a
certain fluffy pink bunny with a drum and a pair of sunglasses
made his appointed rounds. QUI-GON shakes his head slightly,
searches through one of his belt pouches, and comes out with a
handful of Duracells.
QUI-GON: [Just be careful, they're my last set. The sacrifices
I make for you, Padawan.]
OBI-WAN: [Who needs another eighteen hours of Sarah McLachlan
anyway? Besides, I thought the swim fried your Walkman.]
Meahwhile, JAR JAR has dug out a large piece of paper and a
huge Crayon and is hurriedly scrawling a message in large block
letters. He holds it up to the window of the Bongo-- YOUSA HELP
ME, MEESA BEIN' KIDNAPPED!
The power comes back on as Obi-Wan snaps in the last battery,
the headlights of the Bongo illuminate--
JAR JAR: Colo Claw Fish! Yousa do somethin'! Weesa gonna get
crunched!
Teeth fill the view. Nothing but teeth. Huge, sharp, curving
teeth.
JAR JAR screams and keeps screaming as a horrible sound rattles
the entire Bongo, the Colo Claw Fish roars at them as the jaws
o' death open wide.
QUI-GON: [I've had enough.] Relax. (puts a hand on Jar Jar's
shoulder in a Vulcan neck pinch)
JAR JAR slumps in his chair, unconscious.
OBI-WAN: [I see that stint at DragonCon with Nimoy had some
practical advantages.]
The Bongo pulls up and away from the Colo Claw Fish, doubling
back on it's course for a moment, skimming past the walls of
the cave around the monster as it makes it's escape. As the
Bongo scoots past another monster pops up and grabs the Colo
Claw Fish with a massive chomp.
QUI-GON: There's always a bigger fish.
The Bongo winds its way through the core without further
incident, weaving through corals and masses of seaweed until it
surfaces again. As the little submarine breaks the surface a
huge statue comes into view....Lady Liberty. The skyline of the
Big Apple. A ferryboat honks it's horn menacingly at the tiny
submarine.
QUI-GON looks over at his Padawan with a smile starting to
creep onto his face.
QUI-GON: I see your navigational skills are as hopeless as
ever, Padawan. We're about five thousand miles off-course.
Skywalker Ranch is thataway! (points westward)
OBI-WAN gives him a "I'm a fluff-headed ditz but you love me
anyway" look and QUI-GON lets out an exasperated sigh.
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