Category PWP, Humor
Warnings extreme silliness
Spoilers - none
Summary arboreal sex
Feedback: are you kidding? Of course!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Lucas thought these guys up, and owns them entirely. I am just trying to bring them to life off screen. I not only don't make any money off this, I lose a lot because of the time and attention these boys demand.
Thanks: To Inya Dreems for a quick beta and to Monika for the words.
"I told you it was not a good idea," Obi-Wan said, his exasperation quite evident in his voice.
"How was I supposed to know that he would be a Force-dampened creature?"
"Well, let me think about this a minute." Obi-Wan said, getting rather sarcastic. "You are the master; I am the padawan. You're supposed to be the smarter, more knowledgeable one of us."
"I'll say this just one more time, my fine padawan. I had no way of knowing." Qui-Gon was getting defensive. Obi-Wan could tell because when his master felt challenged on issues of his authority in their relationship, his voice became very low pitched and breathy. Almost a sarcastic whisper, but through clenched teeth.
Obi-Wan knew better, but he couldn't reign in his frustration. "All of the inhabitants of this planet we have met so far have been Force- dampened. Why would you assume that the brunjorn would not be?"
Obi-Wan could feel the branch behind him trembling mightily, setting his own heart to fluttering. Looking down through the thick blue- green leaves, Obi-Wan could see the furry beast settling in for a nap on ground below him. When they had first been interrupted, they had scampered up the tree just in time. And for the last half-hour, they had clung to the trunk and thicker branches to keep a toe-hold while the brunjorn had raged below them.
"I think he's going to give up. It looks like he's getting ready to sleep," Obi-Wan related in as matter-of-fact voice as he could muster under the circumstances.
"What do you mean? Sleep?" Qui-Gon did not sound pleased at this news.
"I mean he's lying down and curling up on his side and putting his paws over his eyes. I may not know a lot about brunjorns, but it looks like the way a lot of animals behave when they are about to go to sleep." Again, Obi-Wan was working very hard to avoid a sarcastic retort.
"You can't be serious," Qui-Gon countered. "How are we supposed to get down if he's going to stay there at the foot of this tree?"
"That, my Master, appears to be the quiz question for the day. If I can answer that to your esteemed satisfaction, what prize do I get?"
"Don't press your luck, Obi-Wan Kenobi." Obi-Wan was grateful that he couldn't see his master's face at this moment. It was seldom a good thing when his master called him by his full name. He had, perhaps, gone a bit far. But what did his master expect? Here they were, twenty-five feet up a tree, naked as the day they were born, with no food, water or clothing and with no immediate likelihood of escape.
Obi-Wan heard his master make that growling sound he made whenever he was particularly frustrated. "It would have been nice if the Council had warned us before we were sent to this Sith-forsaken planet. They are not going to appreciate my report when, and if, I get to write it."
"What do you mean, Master?"
"I mean that they should have told us that we couldn't rely on the Force to help us out here. All I was told was that we were being sent to Solentrea because the Jedi had been asked for help in hunting down a wild beast that was attacking settlements in the forest area."
"Well, Master. He is a beast. And he is wild." Obi-Wan shifted a few inches to look down again. The furry creature hadn't moved. "And, if what we just witnessed is any indication, he's pretty good at attacking things."
"Don't try to act like you aren't angry, too, Padawan. They didn't bother to tell us that the local inhabitants had no intention of helping us on the hunt. Or that they seemed to think that we would arrive, wave a lightsaber around for a few minutes, and that the beast would miraculously appear, dead, skinned and turned into a hearth rug? You know we would have handled this differently had we been warned."
"I must admit," Obi-Wan said reluctantly, "I would have packed sleeping bags and camping equipment had I known supplies would be needed."
"Exactly. We came ill-prepared. Jedi do not undertake missions on short notice and inadequate information."
Obi-Wan found himself grinning, despite their precarious positions. "Had I known we would be out here for a ten-day, alone in the woods, with just one another for company, I would have packed more than one vial of oil, that's for sure."
Qui-Gon did not react kindly to Obi-Wan's attempt at humour. "Hmmpf. Like I said, we should have handled this differently."
"Differently? You mean we wouldn't have decided to take a break and drop our leggings and start screwing if you had known there was a Force-dampened brunjorn nearby? I told you it didn't feel right. I told you that something was warning me not to . . ." Obi-Wan took a breath, running out of steam.
"Not to what? Without a ripple in the Force, we didn't know he was in the area. As best we could tell, he was miles away from here."
"You're right, Master. But he's here now, and we're up this tree and it looks like we're stuck here for awhile."
"Let's hope that the brunjorn wakes up and moves on before the raptor gets back," Qui-Gon said.
"Or whatever winged creature built that nest up there."
Obi-Wan looked up. High above him where the tree trunk narrowed and the branches thinned, he could see a collection of small branches and other twigs shaped into a nest. It was not a small nest, either. From his limited vantage point, Obi-Wan would have estimated it to be just over a meter in diameter.
"Oh, dear," Obi-Wan sighed. "More trouble, Master?"
"I'm not sure, Padawan. I have a small sense of something in the nest."
"Sense, Master?" That sounded hopeful. The first thing Obi-Wan had heard since he had reached the safety of this limb that sounded even remotely hopeful, in fact.
"It's so faint," Qui-Gon mused, concentrating on his Force-sense.
Obi-Wan concentrated also. He could just barely see the end of his saber handle poking out from underneath his cloak where he had spread it on the mossy ground below. But it was twenty-five feet down and right next to a Force-dampened creature, and Obi-Wan could not get it to move. He finally sighed and gave up when he felt a calloused hand on his bare hip. "Come on back, Obi-Wan. Don't stay out there on that limb. It's not safe."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said, as he carefully inched his way backwards off the limb and toward the trunk, painfully aware that he was waggling his bare backside practically in his master's face. Inch by inch, clinging tightly to the thin branch below him, he eased his knees back one by one, hand over hand until the branch grew wider under him. The warm hand on his hip moved forward on his flank as he moved backwards until his master had grasped him firmly around the waist and he was pulled quickly back against Qui-Gon's chest. And onto Qui-Gon's lap.
Obi-Wan hadn't realized how precarious his position had been, or the energy it had taken to hold himself in that position, until he felt the warm safety of his master's body against his back. He sank gratefully into the one-armed embrace. "I'm sorry, love," he said, twisting his head over his shoulder and looking up into those blue blue eyes that had entranced him for so many years. "I'm just as much at fault as you." Sweet lips descended onto his, and a gentle, lingering kiss drove away the remaining receding adrenaline-rush tremors.
"Oh, Master," he sighed, breaking off the kiss. "What do we do now?"
Nuzzling lightly into the crook of his lover's neck, Qui-Gon replied, "I guess we spend the night here."
"What night? With three suns, it never gets dark here. Remember the leader's words? `The suns never set on Solentrea', as if that's this planet's claim to fame."
Making smacking noises with his lips against Obi-Wan's tender neck, Qui-Gon said "The better to see you with, my dear."
"Wrong fable, Master. That's the wolf's line. Right about now, I'd give a ten day's pay for Little Red Riding Hood's cloak."
Qui-Gon chuckled, his mouth and nose still buried in Obi-Wan's neck, sending vibrations up and down Obi-Wan's spine. "Okay, smart ass, so we just hang on here for a few hours."
"Clinging to the tree like a couple of arboreal apaktigs?" Obi-Wan wiggled his butt just a little. "But Master," he quipped, "I don't have a prehensile tail."
The arm around Obi-Wan's waist shifted slightly, deft fingers lightly tracing the shape of his limp penis. "No, but you do have a magnificent cock."
Obi-Wan chuckled. "Unfortunately, that's not very useful in helping me to stay up in this tree." He reached a hand down between his legs and felt around his master's lap until he found the semi-erect sex and grasped it lightly. "This, however, is good for a lot of other valuable uses."
"Too bad we were so rudely interrupted." Qui-Gon was still nuzzling, having moved up to Obi-Wan's chin, alternating light little kisses with soft wet licks.
Obi-Wan leaned into his lover's touch. "Mmm. And when I was just about to come, too." The organ in his palm was now fully erect again, pulsing with need.
Moving up to lick the shell of an ear and suck lightly on an ear lobe, Qui-Gon whispered, his lips feathering the sensitive spot, "You would have left me unsatisfied?"
"Never, my love. You were almost there too." Obi-Wan's hand was pumping his master's cock slowly.
The large hand moved down from Obi-Wan's now responsive penis, stroking, then pulling the sac to one side, tickling along the perineum and sliding up between the cheeks of the sweet ass. A broad fingertip circled the muscle ring there. Obi-Wan both heard and felt the breath catch in his lover's throat. "You're still loose. Can you feel me?"
Obi-Wan couldn't speak. He just nodded.
"Do you want me to stop?"
Obi-Wan still couldn't speak. He just shook his head.
The thick finger circled slowly around several times, then slid easily into the opening, just an inch. Oh, Gods, that felt good.
"Do you like that, my love?"
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan managed to breathe, only because a twitch of the finger had caused him to gasp deeply, filling his lungs with air.
"You're so hot, so ready."
Obi-Wan was starting to pant lightly. The finger twitched again, pressing forward, stretching the hole. His body started to move onto that finger involuntarily and he had to still himself, remembering that he was balanced on a branch no bigger around than his thigh. He concentrated on holding very still while the pleasure of the finger caressing him inside and out washed over him in waves. The arm around his waist tightened even further and then it was two fingers, going deeper. And he almost fell over.
"Please, Qui-Gon," he growled tensely. "Can we find some way to finish?" At these words, Obi-Wan felt the shaft he still gripped in his hand leap hopefully.
"And how, my clever love, would you propose accomplishing that?"
The fingers inside him had stilled and Obi-Wan thought quickly for a way to get them moving again. "I've got it," he said. He let go of Qui-Gon's shaft and, regretfully, pulled away from the tantalizing fingers. "Straddle the branch, Master. Then wrap your legs backwards around the trunk. That will hold you in place and free both your hands."
Obi-Wan could hear Qui-Gon moving into the position he had requested, hanging on as the movement shook his branch. He looked over his shoulder, making sure that Qui-Gon was following his directions. When he was satisfied, he instructed, "Now put your hands on the trunk behind your butt and push up, arching your back. Can you use the Force to hold yourself in place?" Qui-Gon shifted and squirmed. "Use your knees against the branch. That's right."
It took some manoeuvring. As Qui-Gon moved into the position Obi-Wan directed, he could see what Obi-Wan was talking about and managed the rest of the position unaided. As soon as he arched his back and pushed his pelvis forward, his erection stood out from his body, an easy target.
Obi-Wan shifted back again, carefully, until he could impale himself on the shaft, folding one leg lengthwise along the branch as he resting his weight on the shin beneath him, his hands holding tight to the branch. He gave a great sigh as the shaft penetrated into him, and he sank as far backwards as he could without loosening his grip on the branch. He used his other foot to brace himself against the trunk below the branch. Pushing up on that foot gave him just enough movement to shift his body forward and backwards a few inches.
Slowly and carefully, Obi-Wan started to move, his previously oiled and stretched passage accepting the bulk of his master's sex easily. They established an acceptable rhythm, each contributing a few inches worth of movement to the dance. As the rhythm sped up, bit by bit, it became a little easier for each of them to balance, and to contribute a little more movement until they were thrusting with some force, Obi-Wan fully impaling himself with each stroke. The air was filled with the sounds of their lovemaking: groans, grunts, cries of delight and pleasure, words of encouragement and praise, and the few Huttese curses that often accompanied their more vigorous couplings.
Finally, "Oh, Master, I'm coming," Obi-Wan cried as he pushed himself as upright possible and fell back onto Qui-Gon's shaft as hard as he could, forcing it deeply into himself, one last firm pass across his pleasure center.
"Watch where you're going," Qui-Gon cried out, fearing a loss of balance. But it was too late. Obi-Wan's penis was spurting out his relief. As the passage contracted around him, Qui-Gon was lost to the sensation, but forced himself to refrain from pulsing out his climax deep within his lover's body. He wanted to savor the moment of his lover's ecstasy, rather than lose himself to his own.
Jedi reflexes being better than those of most mortal men, both men were able to maintain their positions without conscious effort as their minds were overwhelmed with the waves of shared delight. Both of them came to their senses quickly, however, when beast below them bellowed with rage. Looking down, they could see the bear-like creature pawing frantically at his eyes and muzzle, trying to wipe away the sticky white goo that covered his face.
Without even a moment's hesitation, Qui-Gon pulled quickly out of Obi- Wan's body and, reaching out to a higher branch for balance, used his other arm to pull his lover's back up against his chest. And not a moment too soon. The trunk and branches began to shake and tremble as the brunjorn pummelled against it, as if the tree were another living creature.
Hanging on for dear life, Obi-Wan could barely get his hand outstretched to hold onto Qui-Gon's arm. With the instincts born of a lifetime of fight training, Obi-Wan felt a flash of fear as his other hand, without conscious intent, reached out and grasped something as it came flying down from above. A soft, fuzzy little something. Well, maybe `little' wasn't exactly the right word. It was a baby bird of some kind, apparently shaken out of the nest above, about four kilos and covered in fluffy grey down.
The brunjorn took a short break, circling the base of the tree, looking up. Obi-Wan looked over his shoulder to find Qui-Gon staring at the little grey fluff-ball Obi-Wan now held cradled against his chest. Qui-Gon grinned. "Good reflexes, Padawan."
But Qui-Gon's grin quickly turned to dismay.
"What is it, Master?" Obi-Wan asked quickly.
"It's an orn," Qui-Gon said grimly.
Now it was Obi-Wan's turn to look unsettled. Orns were notoriously fierce and aggressive creatures. Grown, they usually had wingspans of more than two meters and were known for their sharp claws and vicious beaks. It was rumoured that they could tear a man limb from limb in less than five minutes. "Oh." He thought for a moment. "But, Master, I couldn't just let it fall to the brunjorn." The little creature was pressed against his rescuer, trembling, its eyes squeezed tightly shut.
`No," Qui-Gon agreed. "It would have been eaten by now."
"Do you think I could climb up and get it back into its nest before its mother comes back?"
Qui-Gon looked up to where the trunk rose up above the branches to the nest high above. "It might be possible with equipment and clothing, Obi-Wan, but we have none of those."
Obi-Wan was trying to figure out how to accomplish this goal when the air around them suddenly fell very still. "Master. . .," he started.
"Shhh," Qui-Gon interrupted. Obi-Wan stilled. He, too, could feel the approach of a winged creature.
"The mother?" Obi-Wan whispered.
"Keep quiet." Qui-Gon stayed immobile for several seconds. "I can feel her. Perhaps she isn't Force-dampened after all."
The air filled with the sound of huge flapping wings. As the sound circled above them, the large bird started screeching as she approached her nest. The tree shook as she landed on the edge, her huge talons gripping the tangle of sticks and twigs. Then she started keening, a high-pitched pitiful sound. Obviously, she had found her baby missing.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan remained very still. Then, suddenly, the little grey fluff started making a sound suspiciously similar to a human baby whimpering. Instantly, the mother orn silenced, her head cocked to one side as she traced the source of her baby's sound. Quickly, her talons released their grip on the nest, and with a few flutters of her massive wings, she came to rest, wings outstretched for balance, perched on the narrow far end of branch on which the two Jedi balanced.
She stared at them with unblinking golden eyes, her beak working open and closed, making a sharp snapping noise. The baby orn, still clutched against Obi-Wan's chest, started making a similar movement with its truncated beak, emitting a smaller, weaker tone. The mother stopped and held immobile; the baby sat still.
Oddly, Obi-Wan realized that he felt no fear, despite the fact that the brunjorn below had resumed beating against the tree with its paws and head. He also realized that he could sense that Qui-Gon was, in some way, communicating with the mother orn. The big bird moved her head, almost as if she were nodding.
"Stand fast, padawan," Qui-Gon instructed, carefully extricating himself from behind Obi-Wan. As he moved beyond Obi-Wan on the branch, Obi-Wan fell back against the trunk, the little orn still clutched in the crook of his arm. It was no longer trembling and made no attempt to resist Obi-Wan's grasp.
With a nod to the Mother (done it again!) orn, Qui-Gon turned sideways and made as if to jump off the limb. "Master," Obi-Wan began, but a look from Qui-Gon silenced him. Qui-Gon turned back to the orn, nodded again, and she, in turn, nodded back.
In the flash of a nanosecond, Qui-Gon jumped toward the ground and the orn flapped her wings once and dived down. The orn landed on top of the brunjorn's shoulder, her claws digging into its fur and flesh, her sharp beak quickly flicking against its face, plucking out its eye. Qui-Gon landed in a crouch just behind the brunjorn, and dove for the handle of the saber, just barely visible under the edge of Obi-Wan's cloak. The brunjorn bellowed in rage, but its bellow was cut off quickly as Qui-Gon turned, lighting the saber and making an arcing swing, cutting the beast's head off in one smooth motion as the orn relinquished her perch and flew off its shoulder.
Obi-Wan looked down, transfixed by the tableau below him. Qui-Gon, in fighting stance, panting and naked, saber still humming, but no longer moving; the body of the brunjorn collapsing as its head rolled to the side; the orn, gently landing on the ground beside the body.
After several moments, Qui-Gon pulled back to stand at rest, powering down the saber. He looked up into the tree and nodded to Obi-Wan, who instantly understood what had just transpired. Holding the baby orn carefully, Obi-Wan started back down the tree, shifting his balance to keep the fledgling secure in his grasp. At the last branch just ten feet above the ground, Obi-Wan stood carefully and manoeuvred out a few feet from the trunk, then dropped down to the ground gracefully, landing gently with his bent knees, one arm outstretched for balance and the other still clutching the little orn against his chest.
Rising, Obi-Wan walked over to stand in front of the mother orn, then dropped to his knees before her, holding her baby out in his joined hands. Leading delicately forward, the big bird took the back of the baby's neck into her beak. The baby went limp in its mother's grasp and waggled gently as the mother nodded, once to Qui-Gon and then to Obi-Wan. Then she spread her wings and was quickly gone from the clearing.
Qui-Gon broke the moment's silence. "Are you all right, Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, Master," the padawan said turning toward the larger man and, rising from the ground, he strode quickly into his master's embrace. They clung together, shaking from relief and happiness.
They pulled back a few inches from one another simultaneously.
"You were so brave. . ." Qui-Gon started.
"You were magnificent. . ." Obi-Wan started.
They both stopped and smiled into one another's eyes. There was no need for words. Their smiles broadened and, in seconds, they were laughing uproariously. The parted and collapsed on the cloak.
"Oh, Master, did you really say `watch where you're going'?" Obi-Wan chortled when he was able to get enough breath to speak.
"That I did. That I did."
"Did you mean `going' or `coming'?" Obi-Wan fell forward into another fit of giggles.
"Either," Qui-Gon chuckled. "Both." He began to rise off the cloak. "Come on, padawan, we need to get going."
"Oh, I can't believe you just said that," Obi-Wan said, succumbing to another bout of laughter, tears streaming down his face.
Realizing what he had said, Qui-Gon joined him. Finally, taking a deep breath and trying mightily to control himself, Obi-Wan reached over and grabbed the vial of oil where Qui-Gon had tossed it (was it just a half hour) before. "Here," he gasped, placing it into Qui- Gon's palm, "do you want to be going or coming right now?"
Now it was Qui-Gon's turn to collapse into uncontrollable laughter. After a moment, he rolled over, pinning his lover beneath him. "Oh, Gods, you're going to be the death of me one of these days."
His breath hitching as he got his laughter under control again, Obi- Wan leaned up and planted a wet kiss on Qui-Gon's lips. With their pelvises rubbing against one another, they were both rapidly becoming hard again. "No, my love, I'm what keeps you going." As Qui-Gon chucked at the repeated pun, Obi-Wan pushed up against his shoulders and used the space to pull his knees up, opening his legs and offering himself to his lover. "And coming. You still haven't come today."
Qui-Gon pulled back and kneeled between Obi-Wan's wantonly spread legs. He slathered oil onto his erection. "Yes," he hissed as he positioned the tip of his cock at the entrance to Obi-Wan's body. "Like running around bare in the woods is going to keep an old man like me young?"
Obi-Wan started to laugh again. "Bear in the woods?" But his laughter quickly stilled as he was filled to capacity in one quick thrust.
The Solentrea's were most grateful to the Jedi Council in their report on the success of the mission of the two Jedi hunters. They just didn't quite understand why the older knight insisted on taking the hide of the brunjorn back to Coruscant with them. Something about a bear rug?