Category: Humor
Warnings: Un-Betaed, Slash
Archive: sure
Rating: NC-17
Summery: Obi-Wan and Bant find a homemade porn.
Several months ago, Obi-Wan Kenobi stumbled across a folder
labeled 'Senate Infrastructure Committee.' However, the
contents of that folder had nothing to do with the senate or
infrastructures. Nothing about comities either. Instead, the
folder hid his Master's secret stash of magazines. Dirty
magazines.
Yuck.
Within the span of a few minutes, Obi-Wan's disgust
transformed to curiosity. And to Obi-Wan's annoyance, this
curiosity filled his mind until he was unable to think of
nothing else. While meditating, his mind often drifted from
thoughts of the Force to the mysterious realm of sex.
This afternoon during a mission debriefing, he caught himself
staring at members of the Council while his imagination
concocted 'interesting' scenarios. He'd die from embarrassment
if Master Gallia ever found out that he imagined her nude while
trapped with him in a malfunctioning turbolift.
Gods, he was glad his thoughts were privet.
He knew the culprit to blame was puberty, and knew about sex
in theory, but knowledge didn't help him deal with his confused
mental state. His only solace was that he didn't suffer alone.
His friend Bant suffered too. Often they would compare
fanticies. If Obi-Wan's master wasn't home, they'd sneak a look
at the magazines, as they were doing now.
"Whoa, look at this Obi!" Bant said from her position on
Obi-Wan's bedroom floor. "look where he put his tentacles!"
"Don't you mean 'testicles?' " Obi-Wan asked as he leaned
towards his friend for a look.
"Nope. Tentacles. He's got six of 'em. See?" she pointed to
the naked humanoid whom had squid-like appendages.
"That's gotta hurt," Obi-Wan guessed. He then took a closer
look at the picture. "Um, I don't think that's a 'he.' "
"Of course it a 'him.' He's got a dick. Two of 'em in fact."
"Yeah, I see them, but what about that opening. The
other opening in his, err uh, its posterior?" Obi-Wan
stammered as his face turned red.
Bant's eyes went wide. "What the hell is that? A vagina?" she
asked as she held the magazine at different angels trying to
figure it out.
"Turn the page," Obi suggested. "Maybe there's more."
Bant complied--or tried to. The pages were stuck together.
Carefully, she pried them apart revealing another picture of
the creature and a dried stain--the cause of the fused pages.
"Yuck!" Bant exclaimed, dropping the magazine.
"What?" Mystified by her reaction Obi-Wan picked it up and
examined the spot. He sniffed it, then chipped at it with a
thumbnail. "Looks like my master spilt some ice-cream or
chowder onto the page."
Bant rolled her large eyes. Chowder? "Think about this for a
moment, Obi. That," she said pointing to dry, crusty, white
stuff, "is not chowder."
Comprehension came slowly, bringing a temporary end to his
desire to look at the magazines. He gathered up the porn and
stuffed them back into the folder. He was about to seal it when
a metallic flash caught his eye: A holo-vid disk had slipped
out from the folder's pocket.
Curiosity incited, Obi-Wan picked it up and read the vid's
title aloud to Bant. "Doin' it Bantha Style."
Bant's eyes widened. A porn-vid. Wow. Obi-Wan was so lucky to
have a master like Qui-Gon. Bant doubted that her old 'n crusty
master remembered what sex was. "Put it into the player."
"What's a bantha?"
"Who cares what a bantha is," Bant Said. "Put it in."
The vid-screen flickered to life, displaying a familiar
image--Master Qui-Gon's bedroom. Candles lit the room, soft
music played and satiny sheets covered the bed. On that bed was
a naked Qui-Gon, his erection projecting proudly.
Bant's eyes seemed to grow larger--a difficult feet for a
Calamarian. She knew Obi-Wan's master was handsome, but naked
in the soft candlelight he was more. He was beautiful. A second
person appeared on the screen, walking out from behind the
camera--Mace Windu. "We shouldn't be watching this," Bant
whispered.
"No we shouldn't," Obi-Wan mumbled, never taking his eyes off
the screen as both men began kissing. Before long, Mace Windu
took Qui-Gon's shaft into his mouth. "It's an invasion of
privacy."
Neither teenager moved to turn the holo-player off.
Obi-Wan's eyes were fixed upon the image of his master.
Sweaty, breathing heavily and his eyes closed, an occasional
moan passed from his master's lips. He imagined it was he that
was caressing Qui-Gon with his lips. What would his Master's
moist, hot skin taste like, Obi-Wan wondered. What would it
feel like to run his tongue along the length of his Master's
erection? To fill his mouth with that sweet length... To taste
Qui-Gon's seed...
With a moan, Qui-Gon climaxed. Windu followed, then they
rested. Obi-Wan felt a pang of envy as his Master held another
in his arms. Qui-Gon started to nibble on Mace's ear.
"You have to make me a copy of this."
"Sure." Obi-Wan nodded absently. A few moments passed and
Master Windu got onto his hands and knees. Qui-Gon mounted him.
As Qui-Gon slid his shaft into Windu, Obi-Wan felt his envy
rise. Somehow, hew knew that he was the one Qui-Gon
should be mounting, Not Mace Windu.
"So is this is what 'bantha style' is? It looks uncomfortable."
Bant giggled, interrupting Obi-Wan's thoughts. "It looks
uncomfortable to have something like that shoved up your
posterior!"
Obi-Wan shrugged. It didn't look uncomfortable to him.
"I wonder how often Master Qui-Gon watches this vid."
"I've never seen him watch it," he mused. His voice took on a
suspicious tone. "He always makes me go to bed earlier than he.
I've always wondered what exactly he dose in those couple
hours."
Bant shrugged. "Now you know. Now I know." The girl
shuddered then made a face. "Ewe! I wonder if my Master watches
porn late at night while I'm asleep."
They were so distracted that Obi-Wan almost missed the
presence approaching the quarters.
"My Master!" Near panic, the padawan rushed to the player and
removed the disk. With trembling fingers, he shoved the
holo-vid back into the pocket and replaced the folder in its
hiding spot. He had just enough time to sit down next to Bant.
It had been a long day, Qui-Gon decided. After a mission
debriefing he had to wade through his yearly evaluations. All
in all, it was not a good day. And to top it off, his padawan
was up to something.
"Hello master," Obi-Wan said. He was seated on the floor next
to his friend. Guilty expressions were plastered upon their
faces.
"Padawan. Bant." He nodded his greetings as he made his way
past the two into the kitchen. He started some water boiling
for tea, the two apprentices silently watching, as if studding
him--analyzing him.
"So, are you two enjoying your day off? Do any thing
interesting?" The master asked. The question made them fidget.
Obi-Wan's eyes were wide, and his cheeks were red. Red with
embarrassment?
"Um, no. We uh, read a little, then watched a um, holo-vid,"
Obi-Wan answered. Qui-Gon didn't sense any falsehood in the
boy's answer. "Is it all right if I go to the rec. room with
Bant?"
Qui-Gon raised his right eyebrow in a 'I know you are up to
something' expression. "Are you sure that's all you did this
afternoon?"
"Yes Master."
Again no lies. He shrugged, asking himself Do I -want- to
know what they've been up to? He almost smiled at the
memory of the debriefing this afternoon. Obi-Wan was
broadcasting some very interesting ideas. No. I don't want
to know.
"Be back by dinner." Gods, I hope the boy isn't planning on
tampering with the turbolifts or wooing Master Gallia.
The master watched the two scurry out through the door, then
went to make dinner.
Obi-Wan came home several hours later to find dinner waiting
for him.
"I made your favorite," Qui-Gon said as he placed the bowl on
the table in front of Obi-Wan. " Calamarian Clam Chowder."
The padawan cringed. Chowder used to be his favorite--but that
was before this afternoon. Picking up a spoon, he stirred the
warm whitish liquid around in its bowl.
"Aren't you going to eat, Obi-Wan?"
The boy looked up to see his master happily slurping his soup.
Fascinated, he watched as the white fluid beaded on his
Master's lower lip. A tongue slid out of his mouth and lapped
it up. With the next mouthful, some of the liquid oozed out of
the corner of Qui-Gon's mouth. Once again, the tongue licked it
clean. His master's lips glistened with moisture.
"Is there something you want to talk about, Padawan? Is
something bothering you?"
"Um, yeah, there is something I want to ask you about."
Obi-Wan looked down at the table as his master leaned forward
to listen. He had the man's total and undivided attention. His
heart thudded in his ears. "What's a bantha?"
Qui-Gon blinked in surprise, not expecting that question.
"Well, it's a large, hairy beast native to the planet of
Tatoonie."
"Oh." He couldn't hide the disappointment from his voce. The
description was a bit vague and un-exotic.
"Eat before the soup gets cold."
"Yes sir." He brought a spoonful to his mouth and swallowed
the salty liquid.
Latter that night, while the temple slept, a young padawan
made a digital copy of a holo-vid. He downloaded that vid onto
his computer and sent a copy to his friend.
A sleepy Bant plopped down onto the chair in front of her
computer terminal. It was early in the morning. Normally she
didn't log onto the computer until after breakfast. Browsing
through the slew of messages that she never bothered to delete
was a daunting task, especially so early, but today was
different. She was expecting an important letter.
Browsing past junk mail, unreturned correspondences and late
notices she finally found what she was looking for: a file
named 'bantha.vid.'
With a triumphant grin, she pulled up the file and hit the
'save' button. She now had her own copy of the disk.
Four Weeks later:
Obi-Wan had the apartment to himself. His master had gone out
for the evening, leaving Obi-Wan to his own devises. Bant was
going to come over and they were going to look at Qui-Gon's new
issues of porn-magazines and watch rented holo-vids.
The doorbell rung and Obi-Wan let his friend in. She looked
distraught. "What's wrong, Bant?"
"I'm so sorry Obi-Wan!"
He motioned for his friend to come in and sit down. "Sorry for
what?" A sinking feeling formed in the pit of his stomach. This
was going to be bad.
"I didn't mean to do it! Honestly! The holo-vid, the one with
your master in it, I returned it."
"Huh?" Obi-Wan was confused. "Returned it? What do you mean?"
"Several weeks ago my master and I rented some holo-vid disks.
Somehow, when I returned them, the vid with your master in it
got mixed in with rented ones. It got returned to the vid
store."
Obi-Wan felt the color drain from his face.
"Before I came over I thought that I'd bring the disk over so
we could watch it again. But when I went to look for the disk,
I found this." Bant held out the switched disk for Obi-Wan's
inspection. He read the label.
"The Adventures of Joie the Nerf-herder?" Obi-Wan moaned. "You
replaced my Master's homemade porn with a kiddy vid?"
"I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan shrugged. "It's okay, Bant. Who'll see it anyway? The
guy at the vid store will probably just throw it away.
Bant smiled. "Yeah, you're probably right."
Two customers, both tall, one bald and dark-skinned, the other
with long brown hair walked into the store. Max could tell that
they were Jedi. Many of his customers were Jedi because of his
location by the temple.
Somehow, the two looked familiar--he'd seen them before. But
where? They probably came in here frequently, Max decided. A
lot of Jedi came in here after all.
He watched as they ducked into the curtained off area where he
kept the adult vids. Idly, he wondered if they would rent the
new holo-vid. That vid had been a lucky find. It came in with
the returns a few weeks ago.
It was a pretty erotic vid, so Max copied it and set it out on
the shelves. It had been a hot renter since, turning a tidy
profit.
A moment later, two angry Jedi stormed out from behind the
curtain. As they stalked towards him, Max suddenly remembered
where he saw those two before. Uh-oh.
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