Archive: master_apprentice, World of Pretty Boys, anyone else,
pls. ask
Author's web page:
http://www.ravenswing.com/ravendreams/
Category: Angst
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Spoilers: none
Summary: Obi-Wan confesses and Qui-Gon must respond
Notes: This is all basinke and Smitty's fault. Any complaints
on the subject matter? Blame them. Thanks to basinke and Velma
for their comments. Special thanks to Mystique for her
excellent beta work and the perfect title. All mistakes are
mine.
Feedback: Waited for with bated breath.
Disclaimers: I don't have enough to pay attention. Lucas owns
everything.
The Jedi Master paced restlessly, boot heels clicking on the
bare floor. He had been avoiding this confrontation for almost
two years and he had done a damned fine job of it, if he did
say so himself. Two years of pointedly ignoring heated stares.
Two years of unobtrusively moving away from hands that were
just a little too helpful. Two years of diplomatic practice in
not having an unwanted conversation.
He had known for two years that Obi-Wan desired him, cared for
him, even believed himself in love. Qui-Gon had spent hours in
the hope that his padawan would outgrow his feelings, let his
passions bank into the warmth of friendship and working
partners who would someday become equals.
The Jedi Master had dreaded the thought of breaking the heart
of the man who shared so much of his daily life. Qui-Gon knew
that the situation, if it arose, would take more delicacy than
many missions required. In this, he would have to disappoint,
but not harm. Disarm, but not humble.
Avoidance was a much easier solution.
For two years he had effectively utilized his distract and
delay tactics and then, today, he had been caught coming out of
his room and heading towards the kitchen by the simple request.
"Can I speak to you for a second, Master?"
Hindsight is the clearest, he supposed. Force! Why hadn't he
faked a stubbed toe, a Council meeting, a case of the hiccups,
anything to avoid that discussion? Why had he just walked right
in, a little concerned at the thread of desperation in
Obi-Wan's voice, and asked, "What can I do for you, Padawan?"
Qui-Gon sighed in frustration. Obi-Wan had looked so sincere,
so very honest. The young man had looked at the floor, flushed
slightly and then raised his chin firmly. "Master, I have
something to say to you and I would like to ask you to let me
say my piece before you respond."
"Padawan, I don't..." Qui-Gon's heart had sunk, stopping
somewhere around his navel.
Obi-Wan had raised his hand, stopping Qui-Gon's words.
"Please, Master. I need to do this. I need to say this, even
if... even if nothing comes of it. I need to say this."
Qui-Gon had simply nodded, not wanting to hurt his apprentice
anymore than was necessary. The sight of Obi-Wan gathering his
courage had been almost physically painful and Qui-Gon had
forced himself to stay still in his chair, keeping his face
composed.
"Master, I have to tell you how I feel. I... I have been
attracted to you for quite a long time, which I know is normal
and healthy and completely expected for a padawan, but Master,
I love you. I've meditated for hours and I'm not infatuated or
in lust or misunderstanding my feelings for you. I am in love
with you." Obi-Wan's eyes had never left Qui-Gon's, his voice
had been calm and steady, only a faint flush of his cheeks
betraying his emotional state.
Qui-Gon had closed his eyes in something very nearing defeat.
"Padawan, I just don't know..."
"Please Master, Qui-Gon. I have a class to go to. Don't say
anything right now. Just think about it, please. I can wait to
talk. After all, I've waited a long time already." Then Obi-Wan
had walked out, leaving his stunned master blinking dazedly at
the wall.
It was bad enough, the gentle honor and strength that Obi-Wan
showed, laced through with the sincere trust that his master
could not truly hurt him. The affection, the need, those basic
emotions were easily circumvented, altered. The worst part was
that the boy really was in love. What Obi-Wan felt wasn't lust,
wasn't some simple desire. The deep, solid love emanated from
him, gently seeking a similar response.
The response simply wasn't there.
The Jedi Master sorted through his possible responses, the
multiple reasons that he simply could not enter into a romantic
relationship with his apprentice.
"Padawan, you're so young. I need to be with someone I can
relate to, someone whose life experience equals my own."
"Obi-Wan, you're a handsome young man. You're talented and
funny and strong in the Force. You deserve someone you can
share a long life with."
"I'm not interested in a long-term commitment right now. There
are dark times ahead and I feel I need to keep my complete
focus on my work as a Jedi."
"It would hamper your training."
"I simply think of you as a friend."
"I'm too old for you, Obi-Wan."
"I have tried, Obi-Wan. I cannot force my heart on this
matter. Please try to understand."
Scenario after scenario were auditioned and turned aside. No
lies, no melodramas, no embarrassing confessions would do.
Obi-Wan deserved better.
Finally, Qui-Gon simply stopped his racing thoughts. "How can
I tell one of my very best friends that I simply do not share
his feelings?" he thought, sadness and regret welling up within
him. "What I would not give to be in love with him, if for no
other reason than to spare him this."
His padawan was coming, a mixture of hope and dread leaking
through their training bond. Qui-Gon stood and wrapped his
cloak around his shoulders, schooling his face into a careful
mixture of regret, affection and distance.
As Obi-Wan opened the door, their eyes met and with a gentle
shake of his head and calculated distance between their bodies,
Qui-Gon allowed Obi-Wan to read the truth without a word.
Qui-Gon fought back his own emotions as the eyes of a man he
had hoped never to hurt turned glassy with unshed tears.
"I have a meeting, Padawan. I won't be here for the evening
meal. Your time is your own. I'll see you in the morning." The
cleft chin was still firm, the gaze unwavering until Qui-Gon
finally looked down, avoid his padawan's eyes and headed out
the door. "I'm sorry."
Qui-Gon did not look back as the door closed behind him.
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