Some Assembly Required

by Sar (bardless@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG

Archive: MA

Category: humour, AU (my Coruscant is slightly more friendly than canon would like.)

Spoilers: not a one

Summary: Obi-Wan opts for community service over nursing his injured Master.

Disclaimer: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and that crowd belong to George. Bant belongs to the JA people. Bill and his neighbourhood are my fault. No one's getting paid.

Author's Note: Third of the Bill stories, following The Adoyables. Thanks and chocolate-covered knights of all sorts to Kathye and Ange.

Feedback: why not?

Warning: Gratuitous lawn ornaments.

"No."

"I beg your pardon, Padawan?"

Obi-Wan blushed slightly, but held his ground. "No, Master. You heard the healers - you're to stay off that knee until this evening. I will run this report up to Chancellor Valorum, and then I will head to the practice rooms. You will stay here and let yourself heal."

Qui-Gon tried to stare his padawan into submission, but was distracted by an unpleasant twinge in his recently reconstructed joint. "Well who died and made you a knight, anyway," he grumbled, handing over the report regardless. "What are your plans for this afternoon?"

Seeing the trap approaching, Obi-Wan side stepped it neatly. "I promised Bant I'd help her with her levitation exercises, and I have a report to research for Master Nawebe. It's a rather full day, actually."

Qui-Gon leaned back in his chair and frowned. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were abandoning me in my weakened state."

"Of course not, Master." Obi-Wan's smooth innocence quickly dissolved into a grin, "And my absence has nothing to do with the fact that being unwell makes you unbearably cranky. I'll be back after dinner, Master."

Obi-Wan was almost out the door when Qui-Gon called him back. "Yes, Master?"

"Don't forget about Master Riisan's lecture this evening. I'll have permission to walk by then, and it's compulsory for all field agents."

*I was so close* Obi-Wan moaned to himself. "Master, it's the same lecture he gave the senior padawans last week. I don't-"

Only the knowledge that Jedi do not seek revenge kept Obi-Wan from immediately identifying the expression on his Master's face.

"Padawan, the Council has ordered that we all must be present to hear whatever Master Riisan has to say about the political and cultural traditions of Shernoth Beta. If I have to sit through it, you have to sit through it. I'll be waiting for you outside the assembly hall."

"Yes, Master." Resigned to his fate, Obi-Wan gripped the report and headed for the Senate complex. He hadn't gone far when he caught a stray thought from Qui-Gon's direction.

#I'll show you unbearably cranky.#

Obi-Wan suppressed a mental groan. It was going to be a very long day.

Obi-Wan had dropped off the report with Valorum's assistant, and was heading past Senator Palpatine's office when he thought he heard a familiar voice.

"Thanks, Daloosha. Tell Bob thanks for me when you get the chance. I'll see you later."

Obi-Wan waited, and sure enough, a moment later Bill Palpatine emerged through the doorway. "So, we meet again."

Bill looked up, and his face immediately brightened. "Kid! What brings you to the corridors of power? Oh, never mind, it's probably top secret Jedi stuff, right?"

Obi-Wan grinned. "Something like that. Are you here to see your brother?"

Bill motioned for Obi-Wan to walk with him, and the two set off down the corridor. "Yeah, I needed Bob to pull a couple of strings for me for a project I'm working on."

"What kind of project?" Obi-Wan asked as they reached the lifts.

"Well, it's a kind of... actually..." Bill had begun to reach for the control panal, and paused, "You got any plans for the day, kid? We could sure use your help."

Just as that moment, Obi-Wan heard another voice, this time in his head. A familiar voice.

A cranky voice.

"Pardon me for just a moment," he said to Bill. //Yes, Master?//

#Did you submit my report to Valorum?#

//To his assistant, Master.//

#The tall assistant or the short one? The tall one sometimes-#

//Misplaces things, I know, Master. I gave it to Alth'na - the short one.//

pause.

#Good.#

//Was there anything else, Master?//

#No, no,# came back in martyred tones, #I wouldn't want to keep you from your busy day.#

//Thank you, Master.// It was going to be harder to keep the sarcasm out of those words as the day wore on, Obi-Wan could tell. "Sorry," he said to Bill, who was looking mildly amused, "Qui-Gon's recovering from an injury, and he doesn't handle incapacitation well."

"You have my sympathy," Bill chuckled.

Obi-Wan clenched his hands into fists and thought for a moment, before letting the tension drain out of him. "I won't be able to focus on training with him whining at me all day, that's for sure." He slapped the other man on the back. "Well Bill, you've convinced me. Lead on."

Half an hour later, Bill parked his speeder on a communal dock and the two men scrambled out. They crossed the dock, and emerged on the roof of a vast warehouse/corporate complex.

"Obi-Wan, meet the neighbourhood." Bill said, gesturing to the scene ahead of them. "Neighbourhood, meet Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi." He stopped walking, and turned to Obi-Wan. "That's a mouthful of a name you got there, kid. I can just imagine your poor mother trying to call you in for dinner."

Obi-Wan gave a small shrug and grinned, "Mom just calls me Ben."

"Sensible woman, I like her already. Neighbourhood, meet Ben."

Obi-Wan looked around as the two walked. Bill's "neighbourhood" consisted of rows of two- and three-story houses, laid out on a grid of streets on the flat roof of the complex. Each house was brightly painted and had a small front yard. The architecture of the houses was similar, Obi-Wan noted, but each home managed to have a distinct character - this one had an old porch swing out front; the one next door had a yard so cluttered with toys that it was impossible to pick out a path from the street to the front door. The owners of the house across the way had painted the surface of their yard green, and had placed a wishing well in one corner and small gnomes at various intervals.

"So what is this mysterious project of yours?" he asked as they continued down the street.

"There's a couple of lots up ahead that never got built. They've been collecting junk for years, so I got Bob to pull some strings with the zoning authority so we can turn it into a park."

"That was nice of him."

"That's why he gets to be the good twin." Bill said, walking carefully around the large chalk picture that two small girls were drawing in the street, "Besides, we're smack in the middle of the Naboo quarter and there'll be no end of transmissions home about the opening of 'Senator Palpatine Park'. I'm sure his assistant has the press release written already."

#Obi-Wan, do you have my socks?#

//I beg your pardon, Master?// "So you do all the hard work and he gets all the credit?"

#My socks. I can't find them.#

Bill laughed, "Personally, I'd rather do manual labour than go up against the likes of the zoning authority."

//What would I be doing with them? You must have more than one pair, Master.// "If it's anything like dealing with the Council, I can't say that I blame you."

#I wanted my fuzzy ones! If I have to be hobbling around here all day-#

//You aren't supposed to be hobbling! You're supposed to be resting!//

"One big government town, that's all this place is." Bill said.

#Well who asked you anyway?#

Obi-Wan couldn't help rolling his eyes as his Master's touch on his mind vanished as abruptly as it had begun.

"You ok there, Ben?" Bill asked, catching the gesture.

"Oh, I'm fine." Obi-Wan said, with slightly more irritation than was becoming in a Jedi.

"Glad to hear that," Bill chuckled. "Here we are."

A dozen or so people were clearing away debris and piling it in a large dumpster that sat on the street. As Bill and Obi-Wan walked into the lot, a woman dusted off her hands and approached them. She greeted Bill with a quick kiss. "So, how is Bob?"

"In a meeting, as usual. Addi, this is Ben. Ben, this is Adella."

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am." Obi-Wan said.

"Call me Addi - everyone does." Addi replied, taking Obi-Wan's hand. "You must be the young Jedi Bill's been going on about."

As Obi-Wan shot Bill a questioning look, Bill put an arm around each of them and began walking. "Ben here volunteered to help with the park. Why don't you" he said, squeezing Addi, "go introduce him around and show him what needs doing, while I go see if I can salvage the garden."

"You got it, boss." Addi said, giving a mock salute before leading Obi-Wan to where the others were working.

A few hours later, the only thing that remained of the former junkpile was a mangled and burned out speeder.

"If we had a lever, we could pry it up - there should be enough of us to carry it." a young man named Be'arno said, wiping the sweat off his face.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "I have another idea. You guys can take a break - I'll deal with this."

Some of the others looked skeptical, but they backed away from the speeder. Obi-Wan relaxed his muscles and centered himself. Reaching out with his mind, he could feel the Force flowing around him, the speeder, and the surface he was standing on. He carefully sorted out the speeder from its resting place, extended his hand, and began manipulating the Force currents to push against each other. Slowly, the speeder began to rise. Obi-Wan tuned out the murmurs he could hear behind him, and concentrated on lifting the twisted metal. It was almost high enough, just a bit more...

#Padawan?#

//Yes, Master?//

#What are you doing?#

//At the moment I'm doing a levitation demonstration, Master.// Obi-Wan replied truthfully. *Timing is everything* he thought to himself.

#Ah yes, of course. Do we have any more ykala fruit?#

//No Master, you ate the last one three days ago.//

#So why didn't you get more?#

//When I asked, they said the next shipment wouldn't be in until next week, Master.//

#Oh.# The reply came back with just a trace of petulance, which Obi-Wan decided to ignore.

//Is that all you wanted to ask, Master?//

There was a pause. #You were a lot nicer to me when you were younger, you know. The last time my knee went out you spent the whole day looking after me.#

//The last time your knee went out I was fourteen years old and still thought you were larger than life.//

#Thought?# The word was slightly pained, but not enough to hide the amusement lurking underneath. #Dare I ask what you think of me now?#

Obi-Wan quickly squelched down any emotions that had been planning on responding to that particular question. *Oh, no. Two can play at this,* he thought to himself before venturing an answer. //Now? Now I just think you're tall. If you'll excuse me, Master, I'm kind of in the middle of something, here.//

There was a pause for roughly the length of time it would take a Jedi Master to stop laughing and collect himself. #Of course, Padawan.#

//Thank you, Master.// Obi-Wan had by this time steered the speeder over the dumpster, and carefully lowered it down. He heard cheering behind him, and turned to face the others.

"Ben, I wish I knew you last time I moved! You ever consider moonlighting?" Be'arno asked.

"Not really," said Obi-Wan, grinning, "but I'll keep it in mind."

Leaving the others to detox the area, Obi-Wan wandered over to the other end of the lot where Bill was working. Picking up a tray of seedlings, he followed Bill into the enclosed garden.

Compared to the order of the Temple's carefully designed gardens, the vegetation facing Obi-Wan was an absolute riot of colours and species. Offhand he guessed there were more than 40 different types of plants in the small space. "Where did you want these?" he asked, gesturing with the tray in his hands.

"Over here." Bill said, then crouched down. Obi-Wan followed, setting the tray on the ground. "These little guys are going to finish off this border."

It didn't take long before the last of the seedlings was in place. "There now," Bill said, wiping his hands on his pants as he stood up. "Well, kid, what do you think?"

Obi-Wan scrambled up, and surveyed Bill's work. "It's ... eclectic." he said.

Bill grinned, "That's the intended effect. We did up a list of everybody's favourite flower, and when I'm done they'll all be in there somewhere."

"What's that part going to be?" Obi-Wan asked, pointing out a small patch that was still bare.

"That's for Addi's Telasnian moonflowers. I just haven't been able to find any yet."

"Addi - she's your..." Obi-Wan's brain stalled as he tried to remember the correct Naboo term.

"Addi's Telasnian. They don't believe in formal commitment. Telasnians place a higher value on relationships in which both parties are free to leave at any time. We've been free to leave for almost 25 years now." Bill looked up as he felt a drop of water hit his head. "Blasted irrigator valve has come loose."

"I can get that for you." Obi-Wan offered.

"Thanks, Ben. I'm getting too old for this." Bill led Obi-Wan out of the garden, and showed him where to climb up in order to reach the valve. "Be careful, kid. It's a slippery climb."

Obi-Wan carefully scaled the wall of the garden. He found a small ridge on which to balance, reached out across the roof, and tightened the valve.

#Obi-Wan!#

Startled, Obi-Wan lost his footing and fell.

"Ben! Are you alright?"

Obi-Wan opened his eyes to see Bill hovering over him. "Fine." he said, trying to catch his breath. //What is it, Master?//

#I can't believe you actually read this stuff!#

*My shielding must be getting better,* Obi-Wan thought, *he didn't notice a thing.* //Actually read what stuff, Master?//

#Last Ship To Koozebain. I found it on your shelf.#

For about the hundredth time, Obi-Wan was grateful that he didn't keep a journal of any sort. //Bant gave it to me to read on our mission to Stetnil Prime last year. What's wrong with it?//

#Didn't you find it kind of ... obvious?#

//Nobody's making you read it, Master.//

#I've read everything else in here.#

"You know, in some cultures they take people who hear voices in their heads and lock them up." Bill said, helping Obi-Wan to his feet.

"Does it stop the voices?" Obi-Wan asked.

"No, I don't think so."

"Pity." //If you like, I could go down and pick some new slates up this evening.//

#Nice try, Padawan. I'll see you in front of the assembly hall in an hour.#

//Yes Master.//

Obi-Wan's eyes widened as his Master's words sunk in. "Bill, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. Qui-Gon's expecting me back soon."

"No apologies necessary, kid. We'd never have gotten this much done today without you." Bill said, fishing something out of his pocket. "Here, take my speeder. I can go in and pick it up tomorrow."

"Thanks, Bill. Good luck with the park." Obi-Wan said, then sprinted for the dock.

Obi-Wan cleaned himself up as best he could and headed for the assembly with ten minutes to spare. He had almost reached the hall when he heard a voice behind him.

"Obi-Wan! Wait up!"

Obi-Wan turned to see Bant hurrying to catch up. "Bant, am I glad to see you!"

"Don't tell me Qui-Gon's making you sit through that lecture again."

"Listen, about Qui-Gon, if you see him, I spent the afternoon helping you with levitation, ok?"

Band nodded slowly. "Ok, but only if you tell me why I'm covering for you."

"Qui-Gon's knee reconstruction was this morning and I kind of skipped out while he was confined to quarters."

Bant looked at Obi-Wan for a long moment. "And?"

Suddenly, Obi-Wan had an idea. "Listen, I'm supposed to be meeting him in a few minutes for that lecture. If you can distract him so that he'll be late, I'll meet you after and tell you the whole story, I promise."

Bant tilted her head and blinked. "This gets more and more intriguing by the minute. What makes you think Qui-Gon will let himself be distracted?"

Obi-Wan gave Bant his best conspiratorial grin. "He doesn't want to be there any more than I do. Give him a good excuse to sneak in late and he'll take it."

"Alright, how long do you need?"

"Think you can get me at least an hour?"

"An hour? That's going to need a major crisis, Obi-Wan." Bant's forehead furrowed as she concentrated.

"If you can't do it, I'll understand."

"Hush. I'm thinking." Bant's face broke into a devious smile. "Got it. You've got your hour, Obi-Wan. At least."

Obi-Wan wasn't sure he trusted the look on Bant's face. "What are you planning?"

"Nuh-uh, Kenobi. If you want my help deceiving your beloved Master, you're just going to have to trust me."

Obi-Wan blushed to the roots of his hair. "I never should have told you that." he muttered.

"You tell me everything, Obi-Wan." Bant said, rolling her eyes. "Somebody's coming down the other passage. I'll go see who it is, you go do whatever it is you're doing." Bant gave Obi-Wan a small push down the corridor, then went around the corner.

Obi-Wan took a few steps, but was still close enough to hear the voices in the other corridor.

"Master Qui-Gon, could I speak with you a moment?"

Obi-Wan could picture the look on Bant's face - an earnest, innocent expression that never failed to command the sympathy of anyone who didn't suspect the devious mind underneath. Fortunately, that category included Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Of course Bant. What's troubling you?"

Obi-Wan smiled as Qui-Gon took the bait. He knew he shouldn't be wasting time standing in the corridor, but he felt it wiser to at least have some idea what his friend was up to.

"Well, Master, sir, it's about Obi-Wan..." Bant was launching into a familiar routine - slight quaver in her voice, soon to be followed by a not-quite-contained trembling lower lip... Obi-Wan wondered if she'd go as far as bursting into tears this time.

"Well sir, it's just that he's..." *There goes the lip...* That is, lately he's..." *And cue the tears* "Oh Master Qui-Gon, I think there's someone else!"

*I'm going to kill her.* Obi-Wan thought as he quickly left the scene.

There wasn't nearly as much traffic at this hour, and it didn't take Obi-Wan long to reach Bill's neighbourhood. He snuck quietly through the streets to the park, which was now deserted. Letting himself into the garden, Obi-Wan carefully unwrapped the bundle he was carrying. The pale petals of the Telasnian moonflowers he had liberated from the Temple gardens shone even in the quasi-darkness of nighttime Coruscant. Obi-Wan planted them, and manipulated the Force around them until it felt like they had always been growing in that small patch of earth.

"Guess that day I spent in the Agri-Corps wasn't a waste after all." he muttered, and hurried back to the speeder.

Obi-Wan snuck into the lecture just as Master Riisan was reviewing his summation of the peculiar variations on the principle of dynastic succession practiced in the northern hemisphere of Shernoth Beta. He was relieved to see Qui-Gon sneak in a few minutes later.

When the lecture was over, Obi-Wan made his way to where Qui-Gon was standing.

"I apologize for not meeting you, Padawan. I was late in arriving."

*Oh, I'll bet you were.* "Is your knee still bothering you, Master?"

"It's a little stiff. I should be fine by morning. Did you have a productive day, Padawan?" Qui-Gon asked as they walked from the hall.

"Yes Master."

They walked on.

The silence between them was beginning to become uncomfortable. Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "Master, may I be excused? I promised Bant I'd talk to her after the lecture."

A strange expression flashed across Qui-Gon's face. I think that would be a very good idea, Obi-Wan." he said carefully.

"Um...yes, Master. Thank you." *What in Sith hells did she say to him?* Obi-Wan thought as he went to find Bant.

He found her sitting on a couch in the common room. "Well?" he demanded, putting his hands on his hips.

"Sit down, Obi-Wan. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't even that far from the truth."

A series of horrible possibilities ran through Obi-Wan's mind as he sat down next to Bant. "What exactly did you say to him?"

"I just gave him a sob story about how I thought you were falling for somebody else. After a while, I admitted that we had only ever been friends and that you had never given me any sign of wanting more, but I assured him that all my hopes were dashed and that my poor heart was broken just the same." Bant leaned back and put her hand to her forehead, sighing theatrically.

Obi-Wan just stared in disbelief.

"Oh come on, Obi-Wan. It's not like he'll ever suspect that the somebody else is him. It was the best I could do on short notice. Now be an honourable little Padawan and tell me what you've been up to all day."

Obi-Wan considered his friend's arguments. "Well, I guess it's too late to change it now, anyway." he said, and promptly ducked as Bant swatted at him. "Alright, remember when Master Yoda sent me to that therapist?"

Obi-Wan and Bant spoke long into the night, and Qui-Gon was already asleep by the time he returned to their quarters. He had classes the next morning, so he didn't see Qui-Gon until he returned for lunch. He was putting the dishes away when the inevitable happened.

"Obi-Wan...your friend Bant came to see me yesterday..."

Obi-Wan tried not to blush, but then decided it was an appropriate enough reaction and went with it. "She told me. Last night. We had a long talk. She's fine. I'm fine. We're...fine." he finished lamely, realizing he was babbling.

"Glad to hear it." Qui-Gon said, rather indifferently. He handed Obi-Wan a note, folded in half. "This came for you this morning."

Obi-Wan unfolded the note.

Ben,
Thanks -
for everything.
          Bill

He smiled, then realized he was probably going to have to explain the note. He looked up, and recognized the expression Qui-Gon always wore when he was trying to sort something out in his head without his Padawan knowing. He braced himself for the inquisition, mentally reviewing what he had supposedly been doing the day before.

"Bill. He's the man from the cafe."

"Yes Master."

Obi-Wan waited for the next question, but it never came. Qui-Gon simply shrugged and said "Alright. Meditation, and then workout." With that, he turned and went into his room. Obi-Wan stared after him for a few moments, then went to his own room and pulled out his mat. As he was clearing his mind and centering himself, however, he felt Qui-Gon's shields slip for just a second, and a single thought escape.

#He calls you Ben?#

The end (for now).