Archive: M/A
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG
Summary: Someone's thought's on a certain Jedi.
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
Notes: This is not my story (darn it), I am posting for a
friend. Drop her a line and let her know she's just as talented
as everyone else here. Also, she wanted to thank me. So, thanks
Flip! Enjoy. =)
{The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in}
I crouch down by the door. No one will see me; they never see
me. I shouldn't be here, I know that, but I can't stay away. I
have to see him. I have to make sure he's OK. They wouldn't
understand. They would think I was just scared of him dying.
Well, I am, but it's more than that. I have to see him for
myself. They don't even think I know he's here. They don't tell
me anything, but I know. I always know things.
Looking through the door I see him. He's so pale. From this
angle it looks as if he's not breathing, but I know. He is. I
can see the monitor. White bandages cover the muscular chest.
His eyes are closed. He's unconscious I hear a healer say. They
don't know when he'll wake. A fluttering in my heart, why?
Because of him? I don't understand why I do this. Why am I
still watching?
{So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind's been}
I can't have him. I know that. He's bonded, or that's what
people say. It's like something out of a fairy tale. Or a
horror novel. Depends on how you see it, I guess. I don't think
it would be much fun. Maybe his bonded is different when
they're alone. He certainly isn't much fun in public. Always so
stern, always ready to point out the worst in people.
I have thoughts about him sometimes. Dreams too. I don't tell
anyone. They wouldn't think they were right. After all, he
doesn't want me, not like that. He wants the one he's bonded
with. And I don't blame him. Who would want someone like me?
But him...he's different. He's a legend. He's the one that Yoda
likes. Everybody talks about him. And they always say nice
things about him. Well, mostly. Some say he's too arrogant, but
they don't know him. Not like I do.
{Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall}
He's always so nice to me. Every time he sees me, he smiles at
me. Me! And he always sees me, even when no one else does.
Sometimes when I'm having a rough day, and I can't get my saber
drills down like I'm supposed to, he helps. He never gets mad
when I can't do it right away. He always says that I'll get it
when I'm supposed to and not any earlier so I shouldn't worry.
He told me I was pretty once. Some other initiates were teasing
me, calling me ugly. He ran them off, and then he said that I
was like the ugly duckling. That I would grow up into a
beautiful swan. I wasn't sure at first if he was calling me
ugly, and I asked. He smiled at me and laughed a little. But it
wasn't a mean laugh. It was a nice one. He told me that I
wasn't ugly at all.
I watch him. When I'm supposed to be in the mess hall or at
classes. I'll hide in the hallway and wait. I know what his
schedule is when he's here. I'll hide in a corner, and watch
him walk past me. He's always so graceful; I know why everybody
is in love with him. But they just love his looks. They don't
really love him; they just lust after him. I love him.
{I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you}
I watch him as his chest rises and falls. Once, when I was
younger, I broke into his suite. They never knew. I was very
careful, and didn't touch anything. I didn't even let my mind
out of its shield. I just wanted to see. To make sure that it
wasn't all an act. I had to know that he was really being nice
to me that it was because he liked me and not because he was
making fun of me.
I don't know why I thought I could find out by going into his
room. I almost got caught too. I saw him with his bonded. They
were so...playful. I watched, hidden in a closet, and I knew
that I would never ever have him like that. It didn't matter
much when I was little. I didn't really know what love was. Not
like that. But it certainly burned into my head. Even now, I
just have to close my eyes and the images spring up.
I wish I could have just a little piece of it though. Just a
little piece of his heart. It doesn't have to be like that.
Like with his bonded. I just want to be loved, like he loves
his bonded. I want someone that will always defend me. No one
does that. I'm all by myself. They say that I'm not, that all
the Jedi are my family, but it's not true. He's the only one
that hasn't seen the stupid little bint everyone else sees.
{So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin}
I overheard Master Windu and Master Yoda talking. They said he
was here. So I came to see him. I don't know why, I can't do
anything. I just wanted him to know I was here. But he won't,
because I don't dare get too close.
The Bondmate is there. He's like a stalking tiger, all coiled
muscle. He actually growls at anyone that comes too close. And
he wouldn't like me there. He'd know. All he'd have to do is
look at me and he'd know everything. No, I'll stay right here
and not say a word. They won't even care that I'm gone. They
won't even know I'll bet. But the Jedi aren't supposed to bet.
Guess I'm not much of a Jedi.
I sit and I wait. Darkness falls around the Temple, but no one
has come to bother me or shoo me away. I just want to wait
until I know he was okay. I've been listening to the Healers,
when they talk to the Bondmate. They talk in hush tones, but if
I try very hard I can hear them. Plus I can see the Bondmate's
face. I can see the reaction on his face. He looks...relieved.
It must be okay then. He'll be OK.
I watch as the Bondmate settles down in the chair. He waits
too, he waits for my...my what? Friend? Yes, that's a good
word. My friend to wake up. Slowly the Bondmate lets himself
relax. Sleep steals over him and I still wait and watch. I'm
not brave enough with the Bondmate there to get any closer. I
need to get back. They check heads at bedtime and they'll
notice if I'm gone. I just want to wait until he's awake, but I
can't.
{I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin}
Blue-green eyes fluttered open. Turning his head he rasped out,
"Qui-Gon?" While his mind strayed to a familiar presence.
Rachelle? Was that you? Why did you go? He wouldn't have
hurt you.
Archive 