And Now for Something Completely Different.... part D

by Kaiburr (kwanyin4@aol.com)

Archive: master_apprentice, OKEB, and anyone else that wants it, just ask.

Category: humour/parody,

Rating: PG13

Warning: I have far too much free time.

Summary: The Phantom Menace meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Dedication: To my Master, Eliz-mar Von, and to Linda's husband, who inspired this. ;)

Disclaimer: GL owns TPM (and almost everything else) and a bunch of english blokes own Monty Python.

Feedback: Yes please. From monosyllabic up. Whether you liked it, can recommend an excellent therapist, or want me to stop the Python crossovers before your brain turns to Spam....

[Somewhere on Naboo...]

JEDI COUNCIL:  [chanting]  Phantom Menace Utinni, dona sithis anakin.    [on 
each "bonk" they hit themselves with the handles of their lightsabres.]
Phantom Menace Utinni,...    [bonk]    
...dona sithis anakin.    [bonk]
Phantom Menace Utinni,...    [bonk]    
...dona sithis anakin.

CROWD:  A Sith!  A Sith!    [bonk]    A Sith!  A Sith!

COUNCIL:  [chanting]  Phantom Menace Utinni...

[A CROWD rushes up to OBI-WAN, standing on a platform.]

CROWD:  A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!  We've found a Sith!
A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!  We've got a Sith!  A Sith!
A Sith!  Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn it!  We've found a Sith!  We've found a 
Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!

VILLAGER #1:  We have found a Sith.  May we burn it?

CROWD:  Burn it!  Burn!  Burn it!  Burn it!

OBI-WAN:  How do you know it is a Sith?

VILLAGER #2:  It looks like one.

CROWD:  Right!  Yeah!  Yeah!

OBI-WAN:  Bring it forward.

[a few VILLAGERS bring a struggling MAUL forward.]

MAUL:  I'm not a Sith.  I'm not a Sith.

OBI-WAN:  Uh, but you are dressed as one.

MAUL:  They dressed me up like this.

CROWD:  Augh, we didn't!  We didn't...

MAUL:  And these aren't my horns.  They're false.

OBI-WAN:  Well?

VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the horns.

OBI-WAN:  The horns?

VILLAGER #1:  And the tattoo, but it is a Sith!

VILLAGER #2:  Yeah!

CROWD:  We burn it!  Right!  Yeaaah!  Yeaah!

OBI-WAN:  Did you dress it up like this?

VILLAGER #1:  No!

VILLAGER #2 and 3:  No.  No.

VILLAGER #2:  No.

VILLAGER #1:  No.

VILLAGERS #2 and #3:  No.

VILLAGER #1:  Yes.

VILLAGER #2:  Yes.

VILLAGER #1:  Yes.  Yeah, a bit.

VILLAGER #3:  A bit.

VILLAGERS #1 and #2:  A bit.

VILLAGER #3:  A bit.

VILLAGER #1:  It has got a lightsabre.

RANDOM:  [cough]

OBI-WAN:  What makes you think it is a Sith?

VILLAGER #3:  Well, it turned me into a Gungan.

OBI-WAN:  A Gungan?

VILLAGER #3:  I got better.

VILLAGER #2:  Burn it anyway!

VILLAGER #1:  Burn!

CROWD:  Burn it!  Burn!  Burn it!...

OBI-WAN:  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
    it is a Sith.

VILLAGER #1:  Are there?

VILLAGER #2:  Ah?

VILLAGER #1:  What are they?

CROWD:  Tell us!  Tell us!...

OBI-WAN:  Tell me.  What do you do with Sith?

VILLAGER #2:  Burn!

VILLAGER #1:  Burn!

CROWD:  Burn!  Burn them up!  Burn!...

OBI-WAN:  And what do you burn apart from Sith?

VILLAGER #1:  More Sith!

VILLAGER #3:  Shh!

VILLAGER #2:  Wood!

OBI-WAN:  So, why do Sith burn?

[pause]

VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

OBI-WAN:  Good!  Heh heh.

CROWD:  Oh, yeah.  Oh.

OBI-WAN:  So, how do we tell whether it is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1:  Build a starship out of it.

OBI-WAN:  Ah, but can you not also make starship out of plasteel?

VILLAGER #1:  Oh, yeah.

RANDOM:  Oh, yeah.  True.  Uhh...

OBI-WAN:  Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1:  No.  No.

VILLAGER #2:  No, it floats!  It floats!

VILLAGER #1:  Throw it into the swamp!

CROWD:  The swamp!  Throw it into the swamp!

OBI-WAN:  What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1:  Bread!

VILLAGER #2:  Mynocks!

VILLAGER #3:  Uh, very small Death Stars!

VILLAGER #1:  Hutts!

VILLAGER #2:  Uh, ba-- bacta!

VILLAGER #1:  Lightsabres!

VILLAGER #2:  Mud!

VILLAGER #3:  Uh, temples!  Jedi Temples!

VILLAGER #2:  Droids!  Droids!

[QUI-GON steps into the picture.]

QUI-GON:  Master Yoda!

CROWD:  Oooh.

OBI-WAN:  Exactly.  So, logically...

VILLAGER #1:  If... it... weighs... the same as Master Yoda,... it's made of
    wood.

OBI-WAN:  And therefore?

VILLAGER #2:  A Sith!

VILLAGER #1:  A Sith!

CROWD:  A Sith!  A Sith!...

VILLAGER #4:  Here's a Jedi Master.  Use him.
    
YODA: [mutter] Like this I do not.  Get you for it later, I will.

OBI-WAN:  Very good.  We shall use the Force.

CROWD:  Ohh!  Ohh!  Burn the Sith!  Burn the Sith!  Burn it!  Burn it!
    Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn it!  Ahh!  Ahh...

OBI-WAN:  Right.

[OBI-WAN starts to lift both YODA and MAUL, using the Force.  They rise off 
the ground equally.]

CROWD:  A Sith!  A Sith!  A Sith!

MAUL:  It's a fair cop.

VILLAGER #3:  Burn it!

CROWD:  Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn it!  Burn!  Burn!...

YODA: But size matters not...

[The CROWD ignores YODA as they drag MAUL off to be roasted.   OBI-WAN turns 
to his mysterious visitor.]

OBI-WAN:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of the Force?

QUI-GON:  I am Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master.

OBI-WAN:  My Master!

QUI-GON:  O attractive young man, will you come with me to Coruscant and join 
me at the Jedi Temple?

OBI-WAN:  My Master!  I would be honored.

QUI-GON:  What is your name?

OBI-WAN:  'Obi-Wan Kenobi', my Master.

QUI-GON:  Then I dub you 'Jedi Kenobi, my Padawan learner'.


THE END 
[As the credits roll, sounds of "Ni" can be heard.]