Archive : yes to M/A, QJEB, QGJDL and my website OMG
(Obiphil's Master of the Galaxy) at
http://home.netvigator.com/~phil777/index.htm
Pairing : Q/O
Category : AU, angst
Rating : G
Disclaimer : George Lucas owns Qui and Obi. I own my love for
them.
Summary : After Naboo, both Master and Apprentice make
startling discoveries.
Spoilers : TPM but AU
Warning : Darkiiiiiish.
Feedback : Sure thang, bring it on, be real grateful for it!
Beta readers : None. All mistakes mine.
Obi-Wan felt something cracked in him. It was tiny at first.
Just a hair breadth of a fault line. But it soon radiated out
in all directions, like a rapidly growing spider web that
acquired a predatory life of its own, reaching everywhere in no
time. Then it came.
He had held it in for so long that it hadn't yet hit him that
it was already alright to let go. His hand reflexively flew to
his mouth and very successfully stifled the first sob. But the
second one came on the heels of the first one. This time he did
know better.
He made it! We made it! His mind was screaming. It was time to
rejoice. He removed his hand and gave in to the cresting waves
of emotions that threatened to choke him if he continued to
have them pent in.
His ears immediately rang with his own raspy sobs and hitching
laugh. Without warning, immense fatigue came crashing over him
like a tidal wave, furious and inexorable. His knees suddenly
felt unbelievably weak, and the ache and sore in his body,
which had become ubiquitous these last few days, immeasurably
sharper. For a heartbeat of a moment, he could almost believe
that there was nothing more he wanted from the Universe than a
bed to lie on.
Except that it wouldn't be true. There was indeed one thing he
wanted even more than a bed to lie on, even at that point, even
in his state.
And that something was given to him when he had all but given
up hope for it, when he had felt that he had no right to it.
The healers were busy helping Qui-Gon out of the bacta tank.
The Jedi Master had just awaken after spending 3 days in it
battling his near-fatal sabre wound sustained at the hands of
the Sith on Naboo.
Qui-Gon was obviously too weak to be fully cognizant of his
surroundings. His eyes were open but were apparently half
seeing only. But it was enough for him to take in the sight of
his beloved apprentice. He blinked once weakly, and then again
at Obi- Wan, his lips struggling to form the word "Padawan---"
Obi-Wan crouched beside him and had to fight down the urge to
throw himself at his Master's bare, broad chest that was
soaking wet at the moment. Instead, he extended a hand at
Qui-Gon's pallid and bacta-covered face. But it froze inches
before actually touching it. It was as if he was afraid that
Qui-Gon was too fragile to touch, that the incipient life of
his Master and lover's, which was even more precious than his
own, would slip away if he were so much as to stir the air
around them.
The healers were skillfully wrapping Qui-Gon in thermal sheets
now and were about to move him to a conveyor for the trip to
the ICU.
Obi-Wan was struck by his own awkward presence. He was in the
way. He straightened and stepped aside numbly to give room to
the healers. One of them patted him on his back, whether to
comfort him or to congratulate him, he wasn't sure.
What he was sure was that hot tears were running freely down
his cheeks. The sobbing had stopped. The tears were silent
ones, but relentless and unstoppable nonetheless. The dam had
burst.
It was strange because the awareness that he was crying
registered so acutely in his mind now. He knew he must have
been in tears several times before since Qui-Gon's injury. He
even dimly remembered them. When he was cradling a severely
wounded Qui-Gon in his arms waiting frantically for the healers
to come, eaten alive by icy terror and gripping anxiety. When
the healers briefed him on their grim prognosis of Qui-Gon's
chances of survival. When he was waiting by the bacta-tank, his
mind reeling from thinking the unthinkable, morbidly playing
out all sorts of unspeakable scenarios over and over again as
if he was addicted to them, never mind the sheer horror and
gut-wrenching pain that they flooded him with.
Tears must have come at those moments. But he was never as
sharply conscious of them as he was now. Those times, his tears
had been just an afterthought, something that slipped through
the cracks of his armour without really being thought of. They
were the odd, harsh tears that pooled in his eyes at
particularly trying moments, hardly even spilled, much less
flowed wildly.
Not now. Obi-Wan was able to give his wild, wanton tears his
undivided attention now. Born of the final release of
monstrously coiled energy, his tears took over. He found
himself indulging in them, savouring them, wrapping his
thoughts around them, dissecting them.
He was aware of the cleansing they effected. He was aware of
where they were from. Most were from unadulterated joy and
relief. But as uncompromisingly large as his joy was at that
point, it couldn't account for all of his tears shed. There was
something else. Obi-Wan looked deeper and realized a few were
from a gloomier corner of his heart where a dull pang of doubt
was gnawing away incessantly : Qui-Gon had awaken from near
death, but did the Jedi Master still have the same beloved
Padawan of his to wake up to -----
(One moon later at the balcony of Qui-Gon's quarters, Master
and Apprentice sat together watching the setting sun.)
"You don't understand, Master. That's not what I meant. I hated
the Sith all right for wounding you. I killed him out of rage
and anger. I savoured the sweetness of ending his vile,
miserable existence. Yes. But I expected that much from myself.
I knew all along I would come to that if something like this
happened. What I didn't expect was something else----."
"And that is the turmoil that I've been sensing within you
during this past moon? You have been disquieted because you
felt you have been touched by darkness you have not foreseen?"
"Yes and no, Master. Darkness within me I haven't foreseen has
come to light. But it was not the cause of my turmoil. My
turmoil is part you, or how you see such darkness and part the
fact that such darkness has not been the cause of my turmoil.
Do you follow?"
"Afraid not. But I am listening."
"When you were in the bacta tank, when things were in the
balance and could have easily gone either way, I saw the side
of me that I had never thought I'd see. I questioned the Force.
I lost faith in it. I felt that it had no right to bestow such
horrendous suffering on me and the person I love. There were
times when my whole outlook on the Universe had changed. I---I
felt that the goodness in me had stopped flowing. I looked on
everyone and everything around me then and I felt not a single
shred of care for any of them. I know now that if you had not
come back to me, my goodness would have ceased for good. I
wouldn't have cared if the Universe had fallen to the dark side
-----"
"It was only your pain talking, Padawan. You were under
tremendous stress. It was completely understandable, if not
desirable. And it has passed. Stop being so hard on yourself."
"No, Master. It wasn't my pain. It was me. It was in me. Do you
know why? I am completely at peace with it. My mind knows it's
not the right thing to embrace. But now that I felt it, it
feels like the most natural thing for me. The goodness in me
would have died if you had. Hell, I would have declared a blood
feud on the Force if it had dared take you. And I am not
bothered by it the least bit looking back. Not a wisp of
remorse. I searched my heart in countless meditations this past
moon and I know that's the truth."
"No! You don't know that."
"Apparently, my love for you is a sword that cuts both ways.
When it doesn't ennoble, it debases."
"Love is a very potent emotion that needs to be controlled and
channeled properly if good is to come out of it, I agree
totally but this feeling of you-----"
"Master, there's more. Do you know what the most revealing
thing is? I realize that after all this soul-searching, after
all the meditation on observing the code and being the perfect
Jedi, my bottom line has not shifted an inch. It is YOU. It has
always been you. What worries me is not the knowledge of my new
found darkness, but how you will see it. I've seen myself for
what I am now. But my reckoning is you. Whether you would still
love me for what I am. That has always been the only thing I
care about."
"Oh Padawan----- why then did you tell me this if you thought I
might not accept it?"
"That's because if there is one thing as big as your love for
me, it will have to be my love for you. I love you too damned
much to let you love someone you have no respect for."
"-----------------That's---that's sobering to hear, Padawan. I
don't know what to say."
" Say nothing Master. Just take it in, search your heart and
give me your answer when you're ready. I won't apologize for
what I am. And I sure as the Sith hell won't apologize for the
way and how much I love you. I can't ------Will you still love
me as I am?"
Sunlight was fading fast, darkness was closing in with haste.
If one had passed by the said balcony at that point, one would
have made out faintly a tall, broad figure reach out and draw a
smaller one into a fierce embrace, almost abruptly. The two of
them encircled each other with their arms for long, long
moments. Then they parted slightly and the taller figure dipped
his head towards the shorter one, maybe to offer a kiss, maybe
not. But the sun had finally set. It was too dark to tell.
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