Archive: M_A archive, personal homepage.
Homepage url:
http://www.geocities.com/deathsquadder/fandom.html.
Series: none. (completely stand-alone).
Categories: angst.
Warning: none.
Pairing: Qui/Obi.
Summary: Qui-Gon Jinn writes to his current apprentice/lover.
Sometimes, we wonder about the aberrant in us.
Rating: PG-13.
Dear Obi-Wan,
I am sitting here in the quiet moonlight, enjoying the Garden
of Seclusion. It is actually very still in here. The plants are
not even stirring; there seems to be no breeze in here at all.
I am the only one alive and I breathe life onto the parchment.
You would have smiled that quiet smile at me, dear Obi-Wan. But
you are not here with me in the Garden and I have to say that I
miss you terribly. The sounds you make when you get up in the
morning, the tiny details I have grown to love. Absence does
make the soul grow miserable, doesn't it, Obi-Wan?
What are you doing now? Are you in bed, looking at the moon
like me? Are you reading a book in the silence of your room? I
wish I have the luxury to contact you with the training bond
but the Jedi Council has restricted your contacts with me to a
bare minimum. Right now, my mind feels empty without the
lingering presence of your touch, your spark of light. To say
that I want to hear your voice again is insubstantial: I want
to see and touch you once more. How long since you have last
visited me, Obi-Wan? A week ago? The Jedi Council is draconian
with their ruling and I chafe under the fetters. Yet... what
can I do, Obi-Wan? Should I rail against the injustice of the
situation? I have argued, believe me, Obi-Wan. But they have
turned their faces against me, even my old Master. He called me
an aberrant. He also labeled our relationship aberrant. To him,
we have strayed from the Right Path. We are deviants in his
sight now.
Yes, I am angry, Obi-Wan. Now, don't look at the word as if it
is poison. Anger is a justifiable emotion. It is alright to
feel angry. I know the Jedi adage that anger leads to the Dark
Side... but too much suppression of anger leads to Darkness. To
admit anger is honest. To admit anger and do nothing about it
is not. You are lying to yourself. At the moment, I am angry
because of the stringent Jedi rules. Is love an aberrant
emotion?
I remember seeing your face when we woke up after that night
of wonderful lovemaking. It glowed in the morning sunlight.
Your lips were moist with my kisses. Your eyes shone with
adoration. I remember the warmth when I embraced you with my
arms. Was it so long? I feel as if it was... My body feels a
loneliness even meditation doesn't cure. My skin shivers, due
to the chill in the Garden, and not because of feather-light
caresses. They want me to remember what I have done, Obi-Wan,
by locking me up in the Garden. Their attitude is medieval, old
fashioned. But the Republic exists on a bedrock of tradition,
hard and impenetrable.
I am not surprised at all that the Jedi have become staunch
traditionalists. You have to follow the Right Path. You have to
obey the tenets. You have to be serene. You have to be
peaceful. But we are all human, fraught with our own flaws and
mistakes. We are not gods. We fail sometimes. Yet... if I
choose not to be serene, I am seen as an aberrant in the eyes
of the Jedi. Do you see the flawed logic, dear Obi-Wan? We
cannot possibly attain the state of perfection. If they want us
to be perfect, we might have become mannequins, perfect in
every detail. The only thing that is so intrinsically wrong is
the lack of life in these perfect mannequins.
To be an aberrant in life is normal. Life is filled with the
odd, the abnormal, the strange. The variety makes Life
interesting. We walk in bustling marketplaces and we are faced
with the diversity of races, of species. To another alien race,
to another planet, we are probably their versions of
'aberrant', because we don't have extra limbs or eyes. Embrace
Life, Obi-Wan. Embrace it for its richness, its bewildering
variety... its beauty. The most basic Jedi tenet is to respect
Life and by accepting its diversity, we obey the most important
rule in the universe: tolerance.
Yet... yet, society can be unfair at times. It views with
disdain or disgust beliefs and people not conforming to the
status quo. Do you remember the fiasco we encountered Tantalus
IV? Remember the hermaphrodites in the cages? This is society
at its worse and most horrible form. Prejudice takes many
faces, assumes many forms. But its base hatred for Life is
evident. Yes, Obi-Wan. I remember you trying to save the
hermaphrodites from being ridiculed, from being handled like
entertainment freaks with no value except for their
'difference' in society. This potpourri of many individuals has
fascinated me to no end. But it has given me grief.
I feel as if I am being handled like a freak, dear Obi-Wan.
Isolated from the main community and subject to their scrutiny.
Around me, Force-resistant flexiglass is erected, like some
huge fish-tank with. I am the exotic aquatic creature here.,
beguiling to look at. But dangerous, like an Erewi lionfish.
The moon pools on the grass and on the plants. It is beautiful.
But even a zoo can look charming under different lights. I am
well fed here; I don't think the Council wants to see me
starving... or a martyr to my cause.
Obi-Wan, I long to hear your voice. Soft, laced with dry
humor. I stored that memory of you, looking from the outside of
the glass windows, your eyes conveying your sorrow and your
love. You looked haggard, standing pressed against the glass.
Our fingers met, tip to tip... separated by a thick layer of
artificial glass. Then, you had to go, summoned by the Jedi
guarding the Garden of Seclusion. I remember his disapproving
sanctimonious look, unmasked by the hood he was wearing.
Oh, how we live in such unbearable conditions! I have grown up
in the Temple. From early childhood to adulthood, I have lived
my life right here, in the sanctity that is the Jedi world. I
confess that I have obeyed its tenets. Yet, sometimes, I
chafe... I struggle with its unreasonable restraints. The Jedi
instruct its postulants to stay on the main track. I like to
deviate, to look at the flowering shrubs along the way. Oh yes,
I have fought with my peers. Remember Master Windu. He was my
closest friend when I was a boy around your age. We are still
friends but Mace has gone too traditional for my liking. He was
conservative when he was young. He has grown more conservative.
Like the others, he has become part of society who treats those
who are different with an air of condescension. I feel as if I
have lost a good friend, Obi-Wan...
I will be released soon. Two months will pass quickly with
meditation, reading and writing letters. Wait for me, dear
Obi-Wan. At the meantime, persist in your studies. Stay attuned
to the Living Force... and remember me, dear one...
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