A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with your
Master
by Wombat (thewombat@dial.pipex.com)
Pairing: None
Category: Humour
Rating: PG-13 for mild smut.
Archive: MA and anyone else who enjoys this tripe :)
Warnings: None
Spoilers: None
Summary: What it says in the title
Feedback: Oh, go on then...
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. British spelling
throughout. I'll try and get a section up a day for the next
week or so, depending on workload.
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master
Sponsored by BactaCorp. Bacta(tm) and "The wonders of
Bacta"(tm) are registered trademarks of Bactacorp Coruscant.
A message from our sponsor.
Hi! And on behalf of BactaCorp, welcome to your new life as a
Padawan learner! We are happy to be associated with the student
council in the publication of this guide, and we hope you find
it useful in the years to come. It's been a long, hard struggle
to get where you are today, but now you can relax and look
forward to many years of breaking limbs, getting cut, bitten,
burned, maimed, bruised, shot at and poisoned, and being
exposed to extremes of temperature and any number of toxic,
infectious and corrosive substances. Don't forget, when that
happens to you it's time for Bacta(tm)! Experienced Jedi have
come to rely on Bacta(tm) because it's quite simply the best.
Don't take anything less on your missions. Your life could
depend on it!
BactaCorp. Proud suppliers of medical equipment to the Jedi
Order. When you're there for the Republic, we're there for you!
Signed So-Cture Neech President, BactaCorp Coruscant.
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master
Agri-Corps
Often unfairly dismissed as an inferior career for Padawan
rejects, Agri-Corp offers an unparalleled opportunity to work
with irrigation techniques, soil conditioning, disease control
and crop selection and quality factoring. Go ahead and laugh,
but at some point in your career you will realise that your
Agri-corps colleagues have it much better than you do. Their
job is rewarding and relatively stress free. It involves
working not particularly lengthy hours, often in temperate,
semi-tropical or tropical climates. Everybody loves Agri-Corps
workers because they ensure that the locals get fed, and
consequently they are always getting asked to banquets and
festivals where it is very rare that anyone tries to
assassinate them, drug them or blow them up. In addition, they
almost never get shot at, starved, ambushed, imprisoned,
ill-treated or held hostage. We guarantee that you will wish
you had joined Agri-Corps many, many times over during your
Padawan career.
Amnesia
Temple healers report that amnesia is one of the ten most
common work related conditions for Jedi Knights and Padawans,
ranking just ahead of migraine headaches and just below Dagobah
jock itch. The two main causes of amnesia include i) the
traditional blow on the head and ii) being brainwashed by
slavers. In the first case another blow to the head after a
suitable length of time is usually a sure-fire cure. The second
kind of amnesia will require a few weeks of wandering around
the Temple until things sort of click back into place. The
Council would like us to stress that using this as an excuse to
get off training sessions is strongly frowned upon.
Angst
While most physical illnesses are easily curable thanks to the
wonders of Bacta(tm) there is still one pervasive condition
that cuts a swathe through the ranks of Jedi Knights every
year. Symptoms are lack of perspective, low self-esteem, loss
of appetite, moping around, general depression, uncontrollable
weeping, nail biting, involuntary whimpering and in extreme
cases curling up under the bed in a foetal position. We are, of
course, talking about angst. Angst related conditions cost the
Temple many thousands of hours a year and may result in some
Knights and Padawans leaving the order or even attempting
suicide. However in most cases angst is easily preventable if
caught at an early stage. And quite frankly, since the Temple
is stuffed full of Force using empaths, there isn't any real
excuse for angst happening at all.
Angst has many causes. These include having an unrequited
crush on your Master, your Master having an unrequited crush on
you, having a requited crush on your Master who nonetheless
refuses to sleep with you, sleeping with your Master, not
sleeping with your Master, casual teenage flings, belief that
you are not a proper Padawan, general feelings of unworthiness,
bad missions, good missions, not going on missions, losing your
virginity, not losing your virginity, being made a knight, not
being made a knight, getting bad grades, the Council etc. etc.
You may not think you're vulnerable to angst, but any one of us
can be a victim. Take this simple test to find out whether you
might one day find yourself with an angst problem.
How to tell if you are a potential angst victim
What would you do in the following scenarios?
Scenario 1: Your extra-curricular activities (teaching
handicapped orphans to read) are taking up a lot of your free
time and your grades are suffering because of it. Your Master
thinks you're spending all your time out on the town with your
friends and demands that you shape up and do more training.
Normal Person's Response: Discuss problem with Master, agree
new training timetable.
Angst Victim's Response: Give up all remaining free time and
possibly food and sleep as well in a doomed attempt to meet
unrealistic expectations. Hide deteriorating physical condition
from Master. End up lying in a Temple clinic bed suffering from
malnutrition, exhaustion and double pneumonia. Scenario 2:
Shortly before your knighting, your Master finds some
precocious, Force-using brat and decides to take him on as his
new apprentice (a bit far-fetched, we know). You can't help
feeling a bit... well, rejected.
Normal Person's Response: Discuss feelings of rejection with
Master.
Angst Victim's Response: Decide that this has happened because
you're the worst Padawan in the history of the order and your
Master can't wait to get rid of you and get a proper Padawan
instead. Sink into bitter morass of self-pity. After knighting
leave the Temple without saying goodbye and refuse to speak to
your Master for the next five years. Spend this time carrying
out increasingly suicidal missions. Actively seek opportunities
to take a weapon blast for your Master in order to die saving
his life, thus making him feel really bad.
Scenario 3: You sit your Master down and reveal your shameful
secret - the last time you went undercover as a pleasure slave,
you enjoyed it just a bit too much. He takes this revelation
badly.
Normal Person's Response: Invite Master to "get over it
already".
Angst Victim's Response: Flee in a distraught manner with a
couple of pathetic bags of possessions. Wander the mean streets
of Coruscant in a daze, easy prey for local criminals. Get hit
by stolen speeder. End up in Temple clinic (again).
If you chose the second response to any of these scenarios,
you may need help. We have a counselling service at this
Temple, people. Use it! And be vigilant; your friends may be
victims too. If you're worried about someone, do them a favour
and contact the counsellors. Remember, friends don't let
friends do angst!
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master Part II
Bacta (tm)
Bacta (tm) for anyone who's been posted to a Geo-Corps
assignment zapping rogue asteroids for the last few decades, is
a green goo capable of healing anything from mild cold or flu
type symptoms to being horribly run through with a lightsaber
(see also recoveries, miraculous). About the only thing it does
not cure is angst. Bacta (tm) is available in the student shop
in tablet form, splt applicator, handy pocket size spray, bath
and shower gel, deodorising foot powder, body lotion, and, in
extreme cases, by the bucket. While this amazing substance has
revolutionised health-care throughout the Republic, it also
means that you cannot use headaches, colds or hangovers as an
excuse for missing training sessions or being late for
assignments. Bacta (tm) is available in original and new!
icemint fresh flavour.
Beds, Shortage of
On many diplomatic missions you will discover that even though
the host race has housed you in one of their sprawling palaces,
only one bedroom, containing a single bed, has been made
available to you and your Master. The most likely explanation
is that there has been an overspend on scented oil and the
palace has run out of money for furniture. Or possibly there's
some truth in the rumour that the Republic is plagued by
ruthless mattress pirates. Whatever the reason, you'll find
that this mysterious lack of beds also applies to many of the
other situations you find yourself in, most notably all ships
from cramped courier vessels to enormous great cruise-liners,
primitive dwellings, ambassadorial residences and occasionally
your Master's quarters on Coruscant. When you are a Jedi Master
yourself you may wish to bring this perennial problem before
the Council. In the meantime, however, you will just have to
snuggle up and make do.
Bonds
Bonds resemble large mental rubber bands connecting you to
other members of the Order. Although some bonds can be formed
deliberately, others will sneak up on you and form
spontaneously, usually at the most inopportune moment. You can
have lots of bonds at once, but be aware that some kinds of
bonds have their disadvantages.
The most common bond is the standard training bond, which most
Padawans share with their Masters after a few false starts.
This gives you the benefit of limited telepathy and a degree of
emotional empathy with your Master, and may also improve
performance in paired lightsaber matches.
If you and your Master decide that your relationship has
developed to the next level you may wish to consider the
heart-bond. This gives you the benefit of limited telepathy and
a degree of emotional empathy with your Master, and may also
improve performance in paired lightsaber matches.
The last type of bond is the soul bond. This gives you the
benefit of limited telepathy and a degree of emotional empathy
with your Master, and may also improve performance in paired
lightsaber matches. However it also has the drawback that it is
permanent and practically irreversible. You may collapse if you
get too far away from your fellow bondee and it is likely that
you will both die at the same moment. For this reason, we
recommend that Padawans stick to training bonds.
With the existence of bonds so widespread, many Padawans have
wondered why they and their Masters still need to use
communicators. The answer to this is obvious - since Force
suppressing collars can now be purchased in most electrical
stores and larger supermarkets, keeping a communicator to hand
is to be regarded as a reasonable precaution.
Finally, be aware that breaking a bond sometimes becomes
necessary. This is the equivalent of pinging the aforementioned
large mental rubber band straight back at your head. Needless
to say, the bigger the bond, the worse the ping. It is for this
reason that bonding with everybody in your senior class is not
recommended, no matter how good an idea it seems after half a
bottle of Hutt whiskey at your knighting party.
NB: The author is ducking behind her desk with her flame-proof
vest on for this part...
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master Part III
The Council
You will ALWAYS have to go and report to the Council on your
mission the second you touch down on the Temple landing pad,
even if you have to be wheeled into the Council Chamber on a
trolley by medical staff. The Council apparently spends all its
time just hanging around, waiting for knights to return from
missions so they can instantly spend hours cross-examining them
without giving them time to write up their reports, rest, eat
or go to the bathroom. Why this is thought to be a good way of
carrying out a debriefing is a complete mystery.
Sometimes you will find that the Council are helpful and
sympathetic, but at other times they will be obstructive and
officious. The prevailing theory is that because the Council
has to be permanently on duty in order to take reports from
returning knights, they have created a set of pissed-off clones
to do most of the work for them. This has resulted in the
creation of two separate Councils, the nice Council and the
nasty Council. If you are lucky, you will go before the nice
Council. They will be good-humoured and understanding about
failed missions and positively encourage your adolescent
yearnings for your Master. Otherwise you will get the nasty
Council. While the nice Council spends all its spare time going
to festivals, gossiping and matchmaking, the nasty Council
spends every available minute being bureaucratic, obstructive
and separating Master/Padawan teams they feel have over-stepped
the bounds of propriety.
Being separated from your Master by the nasty Council can be a
depressing experience. In extreme cases you will both be
executed or exiled, however it is more usual for you to be
given a new Master while your old Master is sent off to spend
the next five years carrying out a Mynock census in the most
distant system the nasty Council can think of. If this happens,
all we can advise is that you hang in there. Council
separations are rarely permanent and they will eventually
realise the error of their ways. If you're really desperate,
faking a soul bond may help.
Of course there is an alternatibe to the nice/nasty Council
theory. This is that just one Council exists, all of whose
members suffer simultaneously from PMS at certain times of the
month. If you believe this to be the case, bringing chocolate
to offer round at Council sessions may help.
Discipline, Domestic
Domestic Discipline is a thorny issue in the Temple. Many
people think that Domestic Discipline (aka spanking) is a good
thing. They believe that everybody who does get spanked is
incredibly well adjusted and happy, while everybody who doesn't
get spanked is miserable and neurotic. The following scenario
is an example of this.
Obi-Wan skipped down the temple corridor happily. He was so
happy that his Master had spanked him! Then he met Bruck Chun
who looked really miserable. 'I failed all my exams and now I'm
going to have to go to Agri-Corps,' Bruck said desolately.
'Plus girls hate me and the healers say I'm going to have to
have years of therapy. I wish I was well-adjusted like you.
What are you so happy about, anyway?' 'Qui-Gon spanked me!'
Obi-Wan said blissfully. 'I did some bad thing, I forget what,
but now I've been thoroughly spanked everything's okay again
and I know Qui-Gon's really forgiven me.' 'I think all my
problems are because I never get spanked,' Bruck complained.
'How I wish my Master showed me how much he cared for me by
spanking me like your Master does instead of endlessly talking
things through.' Obi-Wan looked at him solefully, filled with
pity at his friend's predicament. 'Oh Bruck, I'm so sorry that
your Master abuses you like that. I can't believe anybody could
be such a bastard!'
However some other people think Domestic Discipline (aka
spanking) is a bad thing. This is because they believe that
everybody who does get spanked is scarred for life by the
experience while everybody who doesn't get spanked gets to feel
superior to the pitiful people who do get spanked. The
following scenario illustrates this opposing point of view.
Obi-Wan skipped down the temple corridor happily. He was so
happy that he and his Master could settle their issues through
discussion and compromise! Then he met Bruck Chun who looked
really miserable. 'I failed all my exams and now I'm going to
have to go to Agri-Corps,' Bruck said desolately. 'Plus girls
hate me and the healers say I'm going to have to have years of
therapy. I wish I was well-adjusted like you. What are you so
happy about, anyway?' 'Qui-Gon and I had an argument which we
settled with absolutely no recourse to physical violence of any
kind!' Obi-Wan said blissfully. 'I did some bad thing, I forget
what, but now we've talked it through and without any kind of
physical punishment at all being involved everything's okay
again.' 'I think all my problems are because my Master spanks
me so much,' Bruck complained miserably. 'How I wish my Master
showed me how much he cared for me by talking things through
like your Master does instead of getting out the paddle
whenever anything goes wrong and thrashing my butt.' Obi-Wan
looked at him solefully, filled with pity at his friend's
predicament. 'Oh Bruck, I'm so sorry that your Master abuses
you like that. I can't believe anybody could be such a
bastard!'
So, which point of view is the right one? This Guide is SO not
going there...
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master Part IV
Disguises
Often you and your Master will be asked to go undercover in
the course of your duties. There are thousands of races in the
galaxy, and thousands of possible professions, but you will
generally only be asked to don one particular disguise.
Together with your robes you will have been supplied with one
standard issue exotic dancer / love slave costume. These may
vary, but usually include garments made of billowing, almost
transparent silk and/or supple, form-fitting leather. We
recommend that in order to save time in the future, new
Padawans should start practising their lap-dancing skills now;
there are a number of Knights and Masters who will be glad to
assist you in this. Sadly you may have to cut off your Padawan
braid in order to make your disguise convincing. Don't worry
about this too much. They stick back on very easily, thanks to
the wonders of Bacta(tm).
Drinks
The Council says that Padawans should drink alcohol only in
moderation, and for mission purposes. It is for this reason
that only spring fresh water, healthy herbal teas and fruit
juice are available within the Temple. If you want anything
stronger you're going to have to look further afield - Moogie
the Hutt's off-license ("we don't ask questions") on the
student plaza is the best place to get alchol for consumption
in the Temple, but exercise caution in trying to smuggle it
back past security. Alternatively you can get your Master to
write you a letter of authorisation by telling him that some
experience of drinking alcohol is necessary for your social
development. Don't over-use this excuse. More than three times
a week and most Masters will start to get suspicious.
If you want to go out for drinks, we say check out the Grey
Side on Fridays (indie night). Jedi Boyz and 14,565th avenue
are more local but considered tame by many, although Glitter
Night at Jedi Boyz can be lively. If you're on a budget then
try the Avenue where it's permanently happy hour. Your Twi-lek
hostesses also offer Padawans a 20% discount on production of
Temple ID.
Finally, if you do go out into the City, be aware of your
personal safety. The further you go into the sub-levels, the
more likely you are to encounter assassins, imperious warlords
who won't take no for an answer and slug-like traders. If you
meet any of these characters, you are strongly advised not to
accept any drinks you haven't seen poured, pumped or squeezed
yourself. Padawans are also advised not to go below level 436
in groups of less than three. Curfew is 2am unless you have
written permission from your Master or a really good reason.
NB. Getting blind drunk and falling asleep in a doorway is not
a really good reason.
Drugs
The Council says 'always say no to drugs' NB by drugs we don't
mean coffee, which is not a proper drug. Or alcohol, which
isn't either. Or Yoda's gimmer stick, which is a cultural
artifact and doesn't count. Oh yes, and any mind-altering
substances used by Council members in their own Padawan days,
which are down to youthful indiscretion.
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master Part V
Failed Padawans
It is very rare that a Padawan amicably parts with his or her
Master in order to try another career for a bit or just to take
a year off to travel. Instead, becoming a fallen Padawan will
usually involve an angst-filled confrontation with your Master,
who, blind to your obvious flaws, will have ignored your pride,
anger, greed and/or the way you were boffing your way around
the Temple like it was going out of fashion.
This confrontation may well involve a lightsaber duel, so if
you're considering this line of work a lot of practising
beforehand is advised. You'll probably survive the duel since
slaying a Padawan results in huge amounts of paperwork which
Masters prefer to avoid. However plenty of practice may help
minimise the risk of being horribly scarred, the most common
side-effect of turning away from the Jedi way of life. With
this in mind, you may also want to stay away from bubbling pits
of acid, cliff-tops and lava flows when you choose a site for
your epic battle.
As a failed Padawan you will almost certainly meet up with
your Master again. He will usually turn up to foil your
nefarious plans at the most inopportune moment (NB it is not
absolutely essential to have nefarious plans to be a failed
Padawan, but you will find that most people expect it.) Your
Master may also have a new Padawan, who will have melted your
Master's stony heart and in addition will be younger, prettier
and better at everything than you were. Plus your Master will
probably be sleeping with him, despite telling you time after
time that Master/Padawan relationships were inappropriate.
No matter how bitter and resentful you feel at this, be wary
of how you go about taking your revenge. Dramatic measures like
utterly destroying your Master and his bratty new Padawan by
blowing up the planet they're standing on may initially seem
satisfying. However, nine times out of ten your Master will
escape and dedicate his life to tracking you down and bringing
you to justice, so most of the time it's not worth the hassle.
Instead we suggest messing with your Master's head by telling
him you've reformed and being polite, helpful and considerate.
Then you can spend fun-filled hours watching him and his new
Padawan frantically trying to work out what it is you're really
up to. Seducing your Master's new Padawan in something you may
also wish to consider - as well as irritating your Master, if
may put you in line for a large bonus if the new Padawan also
turns to the dark side and decides to join your corporation.
If you are considering becoming a failed Padawan there are
always plenty of job opportunities with corrupt corporations,
with lots of opportunities to travel, a company transport and
eventually a large number of minions. If spending the rest of
your life bearing the scars left by your Master during your
final confrontation is not for you, try to pick a corrupt
corporation that offers cosmetic surgery as part of its
employee health insurance plan.
Finally, remember that wearing black is compulsory for failed
Padawans. If this colour doesn't suit you, you may be well
advised to re-think this particular career choice.
Fevers
Often contracted on Swamp Planets, you may also find yourself
suffering from fevers when you are sent on a mercy mission to
bring much needed drugs to an area of contagion but for some
obscure reason have not actually been innoculated yourself.
Fevers are rarely fatal, but will enable your concerned Master
to spend his nights sitting by your bed, holding your hand,
giving you sips of water and soothing your burning brow. Enjoy
it while it lasts, is our advice.
A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your
Master Part VI
Food: Nutrient Stew
You'll find nutrient stew mix in capsules on your utility
belt. For centuries the Jedi have sought to create a foodstuff
that's light, needs no special storage facilities or cooking
and which will fill all your species' nutritional needs. Many
solutions have been proposed, and without exception they taste
either like lightly toasted carpet or tiling grout. Nutrient
stew is no exception, and although it is extremely good for
you, you will probably want to investigate other possible
sources of nutrition first, such as potentially edible gravels.
Replacement capsules, should you ever want them, are available
from the quartermaster.
Food: Official Banquets
The average official banquet will have about fifteen courses,
including many exotic and pointless dishes such as Ewok's
tongue soup and Hoth Wampa nipple chips. You will not be
expected to sample them all, since people will assume that as a
Jedi you live on plain, simple foods like bread and stew (They
are right. See 'Food: The Temple Canteen'). Make the most of
these banquets. You never know when you'll be interrupted by an
explosion or assassination attempt, which are perennial
problems on these occasions. Also you'll have fond memories for
the next time you're assigned to a world where only traditional
braised swamp slug liver is served to honoured guests.
If you are not certain of the motives of your hosts, always
try to surreptitiously scan the food. Be especially wary if you
are presented with any 'special' dishes or mysterious drinks
which everybody else is avoiding like the plague. Chances are
that either a scheming diplomat, a bratty minor royal or an
imperious-warlord-who-won't-take-no-for-an-answer will have
drugged and/or poisoned it. This will be in an attempt to
either kill you or, more usually, to turn you into an
insatiable sex slave.
Food: The Temple Canteen
You will eat most, if not all of your meals at the Temple
canteen while you are on Coruscant. There will usually be a
Padawans' table and a Masters' table. If your Master is in a
good mood, he will let you eat with him at the Masters' table.
This is a great place to pick up Council gossip about who's
sleeping with who, which you can use to score major brownie
points next time you eat with the other Padawans. The food is
plain but filling. Try the stew - you will have many
opportunities to do this. Qualla ice days are Tuesdays and
Thursdays. Torracs are served on Wednesdays. This is a good day
to visit the kebab shop.
Food: The Kebab shop.
Find this three blocks from the Temple on the 48th level of
the student plaza next to the poster shop and the dark and
slightly strange smelling store that sells windchimes, ethnic
bedspreads and candles. As with all kebab shops everywhere in
the galaxy it's probably best not to ask what the meat is. We
recommend that only silicon-based Padawans ask for the extra
hot chili sauce. Insectoid Padawans in need of a snack may want
to check out the late night flower shop a few doors down.
Food: Practical Cookery
When the thrill of eating nutrient stew finally wears off
(average time 3.6 seconds) you may wish to try your hand at
whatever is available in your immediate environment. There are
many books available which list recipes and techniques, and you
may also wish to sign up for one of the many cookery courses
available to Padawans. The Temple has also produced the
following guidelines for Padawan beginners.
Do not eat anything before you scan it for toxins. Do this
before and after cooking. Do not eat anything that is still
moving. Do not eat anything sentient. If in doubt, ask. Do not
eat anything that volunteers itself for the purpose. It
probably has an ulterior motive. Do not eat anything
recommended by Master Yoda unless you are a two foot high swamp
dweller with an 800 year old digestive system. Do not eat
anything bigger than your head. Do not use your lightsaber to
make toast or reheat your coffee, no matter how late you are
for morning training sessions.
A Padawan's Guide, Part VII
Felines
For some reason felines outnumber all other domestic pets by
approximately fifty to one. You will not be able to avoid them,
so please note that felines do not fall into the pathetic life
form category and treat them with respect. It is probably best
to keep them on your side. Felines have been known to sniff out
bombs, attack would-be assassins and to perform many other
skills reserved for large, hairy canines in less civilised
reaches of the galaxy. Be warned, however, that while felines
do make useful companions there are some drawbacks such as dead
rodents in your boots, hygiene problems in confined spaces such
as starship quarters and, in extreme cases, rapidly increasing
numbers of kittens.
Force Suppressing Collars
Watch out for these as they are becoming increasingly common.
If someone you suspect of having ulterior motives attempts to
give you an attractive necklace 'as a special present' or
claims that it has some kind of vague religious or traditional
significance, do not put it on! Watch out especially if it has
a cold or greasy feel about it, or makes a barely audible
humming noise. Force suppressing collars are notoriously
difficult to get rid of and you will probably have to spend
some time as an insatiable sex slave before you manage to free
yourself.
In the worst case scenario you will be drugged or knocked
unconscious and wake up to find yourself with one of these
already on. If you are captured and enslaved, try to befriend
your fellow captives. There will usually be a slave assigned to
strip you, do your make-up and put glittery paint on your
nipples etc. This is the person most likely to be persuaded
into loosening your bonds, removing the collar or passing
messages to the outside world (although you will almost
certainly have to have sex before this happens). It is
generally considered polite to come back and rescue this
individual before he or she gets too badly beaten up for
letting you escape.
General Health
Thanks to the wonders of Bacta (tm) most injuries are quickly
curable. Also, although subject to many illnesses, you will not
suffer from any of the following: hernias, clinical obesity,
spots, embarrassing digestive problems, flatulence, bad breath,
ingrown toenails, premature baldness or excessive nasal hair.
It's just one of those Force things, or possibly something they
put in the nutrient stew.
Hair Care
Human and human type padawans will already have realised that
the traiditional Padawan buzz-cut is designed to look both
undignified and stupid. Its purpose is to ensure that you are
not preoccupied with your physical appearance and you will soon
learn to ignore it when more fashionable teenagers snicker at
you.
By the time you are a knight you will be so sick of this
stupid haircut that you will either grow your hair as long as
possible or alternatively shave your head completely. Until
that time, your only consolation for spending your teenage
years with such a terminally unfashionable look will be the
fact that on occasions your Master may ask you to care for his
or her own long, silky locks. This means you can spend long
hours washing them, combing them, running your hands through
their heavy, luxurient weight and possibly even burying your
face in their heady scent.
Caring for your own hair is less time consuming. You may weave
beads into your braid, but try not to use too many as you risk
giving yourself a black eye when you turn around too fast.
Please note that you will have to undo your braid when you wash
your hair. Watch out for split ends, a regular trim should keep
things under control. Bacta(tm) shampoo is available for those
species who suffer from dandruff.
Healers
It is a condition of employment for healers at the Temple that
they seem outwardly gruff, disrespectful of authority and
short-tempered, but underneath it all have hearts of gold.
Temple healers are dedicated to their work which generally
involves sticking their patients in large tanks of warm, slimy
Bacta until they promise that they feel a lot better and won't
get injured again, honest.
Health Education
Unfortunately you will have to undergo the tedium of sex
lessons. This may be enlivened slightly by live demonstrations
of technique. Don't be too concerned if you are asked to
participate as you will probably be partnered by someone much
more experienced, like your Master, to pick someone totally at
random.
Hip Problems
Because of the compulsory panther-like gait, hip problems can
develop if you have to disguise yourself as a pleasure slave
for any length of time. Try to limit this activity to no more
than a one month period in any given standard year, no matter
how much fun you may be having at the time.
Hypothermia or Exposure
These usually occur on very cold planets. The best cure for
this in mild cases is, of course, sharing bodily warmth with
your Master. Try to avoid severe hypothermia or exposure
otherwise you may find yourself spending a week or two in
Bacta(tm) growing various sensitive parts of your anatomy back.
On top of everything else, this is extremely boring.
Exposure which occurs on hot planets is more likely to be of
the painful sunburn variety. Luckily you will find sunblock,
which often has strange and unsuspected lubricating qualities,
lying around all over the place. To avoid sunburn when you
visit a hot planet, keep your robe on and your hood up at all
times. Do not worry about heat exhaustion - your dark, heavy
robes are perfectly suited to keeping you cool in a desert
environment.
Laundry
Congratulations! You are now responsible for both your own
and your Master's laundry. Laundry facilities are available
in Temple sub-basement level 54 and are open twenty-four
hours a day. Needless to say, after 22:00 hours is the best
time to get a machine. Change machines are available but are
rarely in working order, so bring lots of one and two dactari
coins along. Most Padawans get used to the machines quickly -
just remember not to mix beige and brown in the same wash.
Also, don't forget that your love slave/exotic dancer costume
will in most cases require specialist cleaning treatment. If
you're not sure about a stain, however embarrassing, ASK.
Believe us when we tell you that the staff at the local
cleaning firms have heard it all before.
Low Self Esteem
(aka "I'm not worthy" syndrome)
The Student Counselling Service recommends that all Padawans
repeat the following to themselves several times each
morning. "I am an intelligent, confident, highly trained
commando-diplomat with a buff, honed body and incredible mind
control powers, who has been specially chosen for intensive
one to one training by an experienced and powerful warrior.
There is NO REASON for me to have an inferiority complex."
Midichlorians
Tiny, parasitic life forms swimming around in your blood that
supposedly form your link with the living Force. Nobody knows
how they work, why they picked you or how they got there.
They're just there. Inside your body. Try not to think about
them too much.
Oil, Scented
Bottles of scented oil are obviously the equivalent of
disposable pens and small coins in other universes because
they turn up everywhere, in cupboards, on richly carved
cabinets, down the sides of couches, under mattresses and in
spartan emergency survival packs which only have enough food
in them for three days at the most. Do not throw these away.
Their use will become apparent.
Pathetic Life-Forms
Can be either sentient or non-sentient. Non-sentient pathetic
life-forms usually take the form of sickly pets which your
Master will take pity on and drag back to the Temple with
him. It is in your interest to discourage this as you will
invariably find yourself responsible for feeding, grooming
and housing them.
You will be able to identify sentient pathetic life-forms by
the way they latch onto your Master on particularly awkward
missions. Once they are part of your group they will deplete
your supplies, break your most delicate and irreparable
equipment and antagonise the locals. They have many
irritating habits including tripping over their own feet
and/or shouting "yippee!" with very little provocation. Your
Master will, unfortunately, be blind to their faults and
arguing about it will only make things worse. Be patient.
Eventually the PLF will decide to stick its finger in a live
neutrino socket "to see what happens" or get into an
arm-wrestling contest with a drunken wookiee. After a hurried
but dignified funeral your problems will be over.
Potential New Apprentices
Similar to pathetic life-forms, only with extra added
midichlorians, their precocious Force powers are matched only
by their irritating personalities. If your Master picks up
one of these brats maintain a polite but chilly attitude.
Bring your experience with pathetic life-forms to bear and
remember that arguing will only make things worse. Hopefully
by the time you get back to the Temple your Master will be
sick to the back teeth of your new travelling companion and
will be only too happy to fob him or her off onto the long
suffering creche staff. NB Make sure your Master takes the
precocious little twerp up before the Nice Council, otherwise
you'll never get rid of him.
Pregnancy
You may think that you and your Master are not biologically
compatible. Think again. A little research may save a lot of
hassle, but make sure this is timely. There is no point in
suddenly discovering that on rare occasions the males of your
species can get pregnant when you're throwing up every
morning and craving pickles and ice-cream at 3am. If you are
genetically compatible with your Master, always take
precautions: there is little more embarrassing then having to
explain to the Council how your made your Master pregnant, or
vice versa. Your Padawan counsellor will be able to advice
you on contraception, although it's hard to imagine how much
good this will do if having a partner of the same gender
isn't an obstacle.
Puberty
All species go through a phase of physical and mental
development known as puberty in which their bodies adapt to
the requirements ot a sexually active adulthood. The
fortunate T'sephoids go through this phase in chrysalis form,
while for Moolons it lasts approximately three minutes. For
most species, the process lasts anything up to a year.
However if you're unlucky enough to be a human, you may have
as many as four or five years of puberty to go through!
You will know when you have reached puberty as you will feel
clumsy, spotty and awkward. Members of the opposite sex will
terrify you, and you will drop things a lot and trip over in
training sessions. When this happens your Master will say
something like "Padawan, these physical changes are necessary
for you to grow into the true grace of your adulthood" or
"Padawan, like a young colt you are simply re-learning the
boundaries of your body". Don't be fooled - it is compulsory
for Masters to say this kind of thing to avoid making any low
self-esteem problems worse. What he actually means is
"Padawan, you have all the co-ordination of a cross-eyed
bantha, and in addition your room smells like a wookiee's
armpit." In fact puberty is a living hell, and there is only
one thing that will make going through it better. As
generations of teenegers have discovered, this is alcohol
(see drink).
Recoveries, miraculous
You will discover that thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm)
even an incredibly serious injury such as being horribly run
through with a lightsaber is only actually fatal about 30% of
the time. Bearing this in mind you may wish to carry at all
times an "in the event of my apparent death, please do not
incinerate me on a ceremonial funeral pyre until I have been
checked over by a proper healer" card, which you can obtain
from your Padawan advisor or your local BactaCorp
representative.
Sex
As a Padawan you will have an enormous crush on your Master.
Everyone will assure you that this is a perfectly natural
part of puberty and nothing to be ashamed of. However if your
crush lasts longer than eighteen months it is probably "the
real thing". You then have two choice: either tell your
Master, or keep quiet about it. Obviously this is a personal
choice and entirely up to you, but you may wish to weigh up
the pros and cons before you make your decision.
Pros of telling your Master you want to sleep with him:
He might want to sleep with you too.
He might have been waiting for you to ask for years because
of the unwritten rule that says Padawans have to make the
first move.
It might improve your training bond, making you a much
better team.
The Nice Council might find out and throw a huge bonding
party for you.
Cons of telling your Master you want to sleep with him:
He might not want to sleep with you too.
He might be celibate.
He might even be straight!
He might decide that he can no longer be your Master at all
because of the unwritten rule totally forbidding Masters from
even thinking about sleeping with their Padawans.
The Nasty Council might find out and decide to separate you.
If they are in a really bad mood, they might decide to
execute you.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you tell your Master about your feelings
and he doesn't return them, don't decide to sleep with
everybody else instead. This is one of the main causes of
both angst and failed padawans.
IMPORTANT NOTE 2: If you don't tell your Master that you want
to sleep with him, somebody else will probably find out and
a) decide to tell him anyway or b) put you and your Master in
situations where you will be forced to reveal your true
feelings to each other. Watch out for mysterious invitations
to strip clubs, unexpected deliveries of confectionery,
missions where it is compulsory for you to sacrifice your
virginity to the local gods or, in extreme cases, undercover
missions to the planet of the jello-wrestling sex slaves. If
this kind of thing does happen to you, nine times out of ten
it will be Yoda's doing. Nobody knows why he enjoys doing
this kind of thing so much, although senility has been
suggested on a number of occasions. Finally, you may also
find that people will try to set you up with your Master even
if sleeping with him is the last thing on your mind. In this
case it's probably easiest just to sleep with him and get it
over with.
Sex: Do's and Don'ts
Remember to use protection. You may not think you can get
your Master pregnant (or vice versa) but it has already
happened far too many times for the possibility to be
discounted. Contraception advice can be obtained from your
student counsellor.
Wait until you get back to your quarters before you have sex.
Otherwise someone will always walk in on you, even if you
choose a locked maintenance cupboard in a deserted droid-only
access corridor on the 47th sub level.
Don't have sex in the gym showers. You never know when a
class of initiates is going to walk in on you. Similarly,
avoid having sex in any of the Temple gardens without
checking the surrounding bushes first.
Try not to get filmed having sex. No matter how hard you try
to keep the tape safe, it will end up in the local equivalent
of Blockbusters within 24 hours. In another 24 hours most of
the population of Coruscant will have seen it. There is
apparently quite a network for this type of thing.
Sex Equipment
Thin sleep pants are available from stores. Believe us when
we tell you that these are the only sex aid you will ever
need.
Sex, Force Driven
Like standard sex, although it is advisable to make sure that
all breakable objects, plants and pets are secured well out
of the way before you begin.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm) there are no sexually
transmitted diseases. We think this is why nobody ever uses
protection. Male pregnancy, on the other hand, is fast
becoming endemic. Take precautions - check out Bacta(tm)
condoms and lubricant in the student shop.
Student Counselling
Available twenty-four hours a day, Advisors at the student
counselling centre will be able to help you with both your
angst and your low self-esteem problems. If you're thinking
about becoming a failed Padawan, the Counsellor will also be
able to advise you on initiating a final confrontation with
your Master and also on job opportunities with corrupt
corporations.
Training
While it is important that you remain physically fit, there
is no need to go overboard on training. A mere eight hours or
so a day should be perfectly sufficient to keep you in shape.
Untraceable poisons/mysterious alien viruses
Try to avoid these, but if you do come into contact with them
don't worry about it excessively. Thanks to the wonders of
Bacta(tm) most are instantly curable. Please note, however,
that a very small minority may be Bacta(tm) resistant. Again,
please do not worry excessively. Although distressing at the
time, an antidote/vaccine will usually turn up about five
minutes before your conditions becomes irreversibly fatal.
Thank you for reading our guide! For more information about
the wonders of Bacta(tm) write to the following address:
Information Dept, Floor 4432, BactaCorp Coruscant, Bacta
Towers, Block 475N 1248W, Central Commerce District 875,
Coruscant.
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