A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with your Master

by Wombat (thewombat@dial.pipex.com)

Pairing: None

Category: Humour

Rating: PG-13 for mild smut.

Archive: MA and anyone else who enjoys this tripe :)

Warnings: None

Spoilers: None

Summary: What it says in the title

Feedback: Oh, go on then...

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. British spelling throughout. I'll try and get a section up a day for the next week or so, depending on workload.

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master

Sponsored by BactaCorp. Bacta(tm) and "The wonders of Bacta"(tm) are registered trademarks of Bactacorp Coruscant.

A message from our sponsor.

Hi! And on behalf of BactaCorp, welcome to your new life as a Padawan learner! We are happy to be associated with the student council in the publication of this guide, and we hope you find it useful in the years to come. It's been a long, hard struggle to get where you are today, but now you can relax and look forward to many years of breaking limbs, getting cut, bitten, burned, maimed, bruised, shot at and poisoned, and being exposed to extremes of temperature and any number of toxic, infectious and corrosive substances. Don't forget, when that happens to you it's time for Bacta(tm)! Experienced Jedi have come to rely on Bacta(tm) because it's quite simply the best. Don't take anything less on your missions. Your life could depend on it!

BactaCorp. Proud suppliers of medical equipment to the Jedi Order. When you're there for the Republic, we're there for you!

Signed So-Cture Neech President, BactaCorp Coruscant.

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master


Often unfairly dismissed as an inferior career for Padawan rejects, Agri-Corp offers an unparalleled opportunity to work with irrigation techniques, soil conditioning, disease control and crop selection and quality factoring. Go ahead and laugh, but at some point in your career you will realise that your Agri-corps colleagues have it much better than you do. Their job is rewarding and relatively stress free. It involves working not particularly lengthy hours, often in temperate, semi-tropical or tropical climates. Everybody loves Agri-Corps workers because they ensure that the locals get fed, and consequently they are always getting asked to banquets and festivals where it is very rare that anyone tries to assassinate them, drug them or blow them up. In addition, they almost never get shot at, starved, ambushed, imprisoned, ill-treated or held hostage. We guarantee that you will wish you had joined Agri-Corps many, many times over during your Padawan career.


Temple healers report that amnesia is one of the ten most common work related conditions for Jedi Knights and Padawans, ranking just ahead of migraine headaches and just below Dagobah jock itch. The two main causes of amnesia include i) the traditional blow on the head and ii) being brainwashed by slavers. In the first case another blow to the head after a suitable length of time is usually a sure-fire cure. The second kind of amnesia will require a few weeks of wandering around the Temple until things sort of click back into place. The Council would like us to stress that using this as an excuse to get off training sessions is strongly frowned upon.


While most physical illnesses are easily curable thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm) there is still one pervasive condition that cuts a swathe through the ranks of Jedi Knights every year. Symptoms are lack of perspective, low self-esteem, loss of appetite, moping around, general depression, uncontrollable weeping, nail biting, involuntary whimpering and in extreme cases curling up under the bed in a foetal position. We are, of course, talking about angst. Angst related conditions cost the Temple many thousands of hours a year and may result in some Knights and Padawans leaving the order or even attempting suicide. However in most cases angst is easily preventable if caught at an early stage. And quite frankly, since the Temple is stuffed full of Force using empaths, there isn't any real excuse for angst happening at all.

Angst has many causes. These include having an unrequited crush on your Master, your Master having an unrequited crush on you, having a requited crush on your Master who nonetheless refuses to sleep with you, sleeping with your Master, not sleeping with your Master, casual teenage flings, belief that you are not a proper Padawan, general feelings of unworthiness, bad missions, good missions, not going on missions, losing your virginity, not losing your virginity, being made a knight, not being made a knight, getting bad grades, the Council etc. etc. You may not think you're vulnerable to angst, but any one of us can be a victim. Take this simple test to find out whether you might one day find yourself with an angst problem.

How to tell if you are a potential angst victim

What would you do in the following scenarios?

Scenario 1: Your extra-curricular activities (teaching handicapped orphans to read) are taking up a lot of your free time and your grades are suffering because of it. Your Master thinks you're spending all your time out on the town with your friends and demands that you shape up and do more training.

Normal Person's Response: Discuss problem with Master, agree new training timetable.

Angst Victim's Response: Give up all remaining free time and possibly food and sleep as well in a doomed attempt to meet unrealistic expectations. Hide deteriorating physical condition from Master. End up lying in a Temple clinic bed suffering from malnutrition, exhaustion and double pneumonia. Scenario 2: Shortly before your knighting, your Master finds some precocious, Force-using brat and decides to take him on as his new apprentice (a bit far-fetched, we know). You can't help feeling a bit... well, rejected.

Normal Person's Response: Discuss feelings of rejection with Master.

Angst Victim's Response: Decide that this has happened because you're the worst Padawan in the history of the order and your Master can't wait to get rid of you and get a proper Padawan instead. Sink into bitter morass of self-pity. After knighting leave the Temple without saying goodbye and refuse to speak to your Master for the next five years. Spend this time carrying out increasingly suicidal missions. Actively seek opportunities to take a weapon blast for your Master in order to die saving his life, thus making him feel really bad.

Scenario 3: You sit your Master down and reveal your shameful secret - the last time you went undercover as a pleasure slave, you enjoyed it just a bit too much. He takes this revelation badly.

Normal Person's Response: Invite Master to "get over it already".

Angst Victim's Response: Flee in a distraught manner with a couple of pathetic bags of possessions. Wander the mean streets of Coruscant in a daze, easy prey for local criminals. Get hit by stolen speeder. End up in Temple clinic (again).

If you chose the second response to any of these scenarios, you may need help. We have a counselling service at this Temple, people. Use it! And be vigilant; your friends may be victims too. If you're worried about someone, do them a favour and contact the counsellors. Remember, friends don't let friends do angst!

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master Part II

Bacta (tm)

Bacta (tm) for anyone who's been posted to a Geo-Corps assignment zapping rogue asteroids for the last few decades, is a green goo capable of healing anything from mild cold or flu type symptoms to being horribly run through with a lightsaber (see also recoveries, miraculous). About the only thing it does not cure is angst. Bacta (tm) is available in the student shop in tablet form, splt applicator, handy pocket size spray, bath and shower gel, deodorising foot powder, body lotion, and, in extreme cases, by the bucket. While this amazing substance has revolutionised health-care throughout the Republic, it also means that you cannot use headaches, colds or hangovers as an excuse for missing training sessions or being late for assignments. Bacta (tm) is available in original and new! icemint fresh flavour.

Beds, Shortage of

On many diplomatic missions you will discover that even though the host race has housed you in one of their sprawling palaces, only one bedroom, containing a single bed, has been made available to you and your Master. The most likely explanation is that there has been an overspend on scented oil and the palace has run out of money for furniture. Or possibly there's some truth in the rumour that the Republic is plagued by ruthless mattress pirates. Whatever the reason, you'll find that this mysterious lack of beds also applies to many of the other situations you find yourself in, most notably all ships from cramped courier vessels to enormous great cruise-liners, primitive dwellings, ambassadorial residences and occasionally your Master's quarters on Coruscant. When you are a Jedi Master yourself you may wish to bring this perennial problem before the Council. In the meantime, however, you will just have to snuggle up and make do.


Bonds resemble large mental rubber bands connecting you to other members of the Order. Although some bonds can be formed deliberately, others will sneak up on you and form spontaneously, usually at the most inopportune moment. You can have lots of bonds at once, but be aware that some kinds of bonds have their disadvantages.

The most common bond is the standard training bond, which most Padawans share with their Masters after a few false starts. This gives you the benefit of limited telepathy and a degree of emotional empathy with your Master, and may also improve performance in paired lightsaber matches.

If you and your Master decide that your relationship has developed to the next level you may wish to consider the heart-bond. This gives you the benefit of limited telepathy and a degree of emotional empathy with your Master, and may also improve performance in paired lightsaber matches.

The last type of bond is the soul bond. This gives you the benefit of limited telepathy and a degree of emotional empathy with your Master, and may also improve performance in paired lightsaber matches. However it also has the drawback that it is permanent and practically irreversible. You may collapse if you get too far away from your fellow bondee and it is likely that you will both die at the same moment. For this reason, we recommend that Padawans stick to training bonds.

With the existence of bonds so widespread, many Padawans have wondered why they and their Masters still need to use communicators. The answer to this is obvious - since Force suppressing collars can now be purchased in most electrical stores and larger supermarkets, keeping a communicator to hand is to be regarded as a reasonable precaution.

Finally, be aware that breaking a bond sometimes becomes necessary. This is the equivalent of pinging the aforementioned large mental rubber band straight back at your head. Needless to say, the bigger the bond, the worse the ping. It is for this reason that bonding with everybody in your senior class is not recommended, no matter how good an idea it seems after half a bottle of Hutt whiskey at your knighting party.

NB: The author is ducking behind her desk with her flame-proof vest on for this part...

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master Part III

The Council

You will ALWAYS have to go and report to the Council on your mission the second you touch down on the Temple landing pad, even if you have to be wheeled into the Council Chamber on a trolley by medical staff. The Council apparently spends all its time just hanging around, waiting for knights to return from missions so they can instantly spend hours cross-examining them without giving them time to write up their reports, rest, eat or go to the bathroom. Why this is thought to be a good way of carrying out a debriefing is a complete mystery.

Sometimes you will find that the Council are helpful and sympathetic, but at other times they will be obstructive and officious. The prevailing theory is that because the Council has to be permanently on duty in order to take reports from returning knights, they have created a set of pissed-off clones to do most of the work for them. This has resulted in the creation of two separate Councils, the nice Council and the nasty Council. If you are lucky, you will go before the nice Council. They will be good-humoured and understanding about failed missions and positively encourage your adolescent yearnings for your Master. Otherwise you will get the nasty Council. While the nice Council spends all its spare time going to festivals, gossiping and matchmaking, the nasty Council spends every available minute being bureaucratic, obstructive and separating Master/Padawan teams they feel have over-stepped the bounds of propriety.

Being separated from your Master by the nasty Council can be a depressing experience. In extreme cases you will both be executed or exiled, however it is more usual for you to be given a new Master while your old Master is sent off to spend the next five years carrying out a Mynock census in the most distant system the nasty Council can think of. If this happens, all we can advise is that you hang in there. Council separations are rarely permanent and they will eventually realise the error of their ways. If you're really desperate, faking a soul bond may help.

Of course there is an alternatibe to the nice/nasty Council theory. This is that just one Council exists, all of whose members suffer simultaneously from PMS at certain times of the month. If you believe this to be the case, bringing chocolate to offer round at Council sessions may help.

Discipline, Domestic

Domestic Discipline is a thorny issue in the Temple. Many people think that Domestic Discipline (aka spanking) is a good thing. They believe that everybody who does get spanked is incredibly well adjusted and happy, while everybody who doesn't get spanked is miserable and neurotic. The following scenario is an example of this.

Obi-Wan skipped down the temple corridor happily. He was so happy that his Master had spanked him! Then he met Bruck Chun who looked really miserable. 'I failed all my exams and now I'm going to have to go to Agri-Corps,' Bruck said desolately. 'Plus girls hate me and the healers say I'm going to have to have years of therapy. I wish I was well-adjusted like you. What are you so happy about, anyway?' 'Qui-Gon spanked me!' Obi-Wan said blissfully. 'I did some bad thing, I forget what, but now I've been thoroughly spanked everything's okay again and I know Qui-Gon's really forgiven me.' 'I think all my problems are because I never get spanked,' Bruck complained. 'How I wish my Master showed me how much he cared for me by spanking me like your Master does instead of endlessly talking things through.' Obi-Wan looked at him solefully, filled with pity at his friend's predicament. 'Oh Bruck, I'm so sorry that your Master abuses you like that. I can't believe anybody could be such a bastard!'

However some other people think Domestic Discipline (aka spanking) is a bad thing. This is because they believe that everybody who does get spanked is scarred for life by the experience while everybody who doesn't get spanked gets to feel superior to the pitiful people who do get spanked. The following scenario illustrates this opposing point of view.

Obi-Wan skipped down the temple corridor happily. He was so happy that he and his Master could settle their issues through discussion and compromise! Then he met Bruck Chun who looked really miserable. 'I failed all my exams and now I'm going to have to go to Agri-Corps,' Bruck said desolately. 'Plus girls hate me and the healers say I'm going to have to have years of therapy. I wish I was well-adjusted like you. What are you so happy about, anyway?' 'Qui-Gon and I had an argument which we settled with absolutely no recourse to physical violence of any kind!' Obi-Wan said blissfully. 'I did some bad thing, I forget what, but now we've talked it through and without any kind of physical punishment at all being involved everything's okay again.' 'I think all my problems are because my Master spanks me so much,' Bruck complained miserably. 'How I wish my Master showed me how much he cared for me by talking things through like your Master does instead of getting out the paddle whenever anything goes wrong and thrashing my butt.' Obi-Wan looked at him solefully, filled with pity at his friend's predicament. 'Oh Bruck, I'm so sorry that your Master abuses you like that. I can't believe anybody could be such a bastard!'

So, which point of view is the right one? This Guide is SO not going there...

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master Part IV


Often you and your Master will be asked to go undercover in the course of your duties. There are thousands of races in the galaxy, and thousands of possible professions, but you will generally only be asked to don one particular disguise. Together with your robes you will have been supplied with one standard issue exotic dancer / love slave costume. These may vary, but usually include garments made of billowing, almost transparent silk and/or supple, form-fitting leather. We recommend that in order to save time in the future, new Padawans should start practising their lap-dancing skills now; there are a number of Knights and Masters who will be glad to assist you in this. Sadly you may have to cut off your Padawan braid in order to make your disguise convincing. Don't worry about this too much. They stick back on very easily, thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm).


The Council says that Padawans should drink alcohol only in moderation, and for mission purposes. It is for this reason that only spring fresh water, healthy herbal teas and fruit juice are available within the Temple. If you want anything stronger you're going to have to look further afield - Moogie the Hutt's off-license ("we don't ask questions") on the student plaza is the best place to get alchol for consumption in the Temple, but exercise caution in trying to smuggle it back past security. Alternatively you can get your Master to write you a letter of authorisation by telling him that some experience of drinking alcohol is necessary for your social development. Don't over-use this excuse. More than three times a week and most Masters will start to get suspicious.

If you want to go out for drinks, we say check out the Grey Side on Fridays (indie night). Jedi Boyz and 14,565th avenue are more local but considered tame by many, although Glitter Night at Jedi Boyz can be lively. If you're on a budget then try the Avenue where it's permanently happy hour. Your Twi-lek hostesses also offer Padawans a 20% discount on production of Temple ID.

Finally, if you do go out into the City, be aware of your personal safety. The further you go into the sub-levels, the more likely you are to encounter assassins, imperious warlords who won't take no for an answer and slug-like traders. If you meet any of these characters, you are strongly advised not to accept any drinks you haven't seen poured, pumped or squeezed yourself. Padawans are also advised not to go below level 436 in groups of less than three. Curfew is 2am unless you have written permission from your Master or a really good reason. NB. Getting blind drunk and falling asleep in a doorway is not a really good reason.


The Council says 'always say no to drugs' NB by drugs we don't mean coffee, which is not a proper drug. Or alcohol, which isn't either. Or Yoda's gimmer stick, which is a cultural artifact and doesn't count. Oh yes, and any mind-altering substances used by Council members in their own Padawan days, which are down to youthful indiscretion.

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master Part V

Failed Padawans

It is very rare that a Padawan amicably parts with his or her Master in order to try another career for a bit or just to take a year off to travel. Instead, becoming a fallen Padawan will usually involve an angst-filled confrontation with your Master, who, blind to your obvious flaws, will have ignored your pride, anger, greed and/or the way you were boffing your way around the Temple like it was going out of fashion.

This confrontation may well involve a lightsaber duel, so if you're considering this line of work a lot of practising beforehand is advised. You'll probably survive the duel since slaying a Padawan results in huge amounts of paperwork which Masters prefer to avoid. However plenty of practice may help minimise the risk of being horribly scarred, the most common side-effect of turning away from the Jedi way of life. With this in mind, you may also want to stay away from bubbling pits of acid, cliff-tops and lava flows when you choose a site for your epic battle.

As a failed Padawan you will almost certainly meet up with your Master again. He will usually turn up to foil your nefarious plans at the most inopportune moment (NB it is not absolutely essential to have nefarious plans to be a failed Padawan, but you will find that most people expect it.) Your Master may also have a new Padawan, who will have melted your Master's stony heart and in addition will be younger, prettier and better at everything than you were. Plus your Master will probably be sleeping with him, despite telling you time after time that Master/Padawan relationships were inappropriate.

No matter how bitter and resentful you feel at this, be wary of how you go about taking your revenge. Dramatic measures like utterly destroying your Master and his bratty new Padawan by blowing up the planet they're standing on may initially seem satisfying. However, nine times out of ten your Master will escape and dedicate his life to tracking you down and bringing you to justice, so most of the time it's not worth the hassle. Instead we suggest messing with your Master's head by telling him you've reformed and being polite, helpful and considerate. Then you can spend fun-filled hours watching him and his new Padawan frantically trying to work out what it is you're really up to. Seducing your Master's new Padawan in something you may also wish to consider - as well as irritating your Master, if may put you in line for a large bonus if the new Padawan also turns to the dark side and decides to join your corporation.

If you are considering becoming a failed Padawan there are always plenty of job opportunities with corrupt corporations, with lots of opportunities to travel, a company transport and eventually a large number of minions. If spending the rest of your life bearing the scars left by your Master during your final confrontation is not for you, try to pick a corrupt corporation that offers cosmetic surgery as part of its employee health insurance plan.

Finally, remember that wearing black is compulsory for failed Padawans. If this colour doesn't suit you, you may be well advised to re-think this particular career choice.


Often contracted on Swamp Planets, you may also find yourself suffering from fevers when you are sent on a mercy mission to bring much needed drugs to an area of contagion but for some obscure reason have not actually been innoculated yourself. Fevers are rarely fatal, but will enable your concerned Master to spend his nights sitting by your bed, holding your hand, giving you sips of water and soothing your burning brow. Enjoy it while it lasts, is our advice.

A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master Part VI

Food: Nutrient Stew

You'll find nutrient stew mix in capsules on your utility belt. For centuries the Jedi have sought to create a foodstuff that's light, needs no special storage facilities or cooking and which will fill all your species' nutritional needs. Many solutions have been proposed, and without exception they taste either like lightly toasted carpet or tiling grout. Nutrient stew is no exception, and although it is extremely good for you, you will probably want to investigate other possible sources of nutrition first, such as potentially edible gravels. Replacement capsules, should you ever want them, are available from the quartermaster.

Food: Official Banquets

The average official banquet will have about fifteen courses, including many exotic and pointless dishes such as Ewok's tongue soup and Hoth Wampa nipple chips. You will not be expected to sample them all, since people will assume that as a Jedi you live on plain, simple foods like bread and stew (They are right. See 'Food: The Temple Canteen'). Make the most of these banquets. You never know when you'll be interrupted by an explosion or assassination attempt, which are perennial problems on these occasions. Also you'll have fond memories for the next time you're assigned to a world where only traditional braised swamp slug liver is served to honoured guests.

If you are not certain of the motives of your hosts, always try to surreptitiously scan the food. Be especially wary if you are presented with any 'special' dishes or mysterious drinks which everybody else is avoiding like the plague. Chances are that either a scheming diplomat, a bratty minor royal or an imperious-warlord-who-won't-take-no-for-an-answer will have drugged and/or poisoned it. This will be in an attempt to either kill you or, more usually, to turn you into an insatiable sex slave.

Food: The Temple Canteen

You will eat most, if not all of your meals at the Temple canteen while you are on Coruscant. There will usually be a Padawans' table and a Masters' table. If your Master is in a good mood, he will let you eat with him at the Masters' table. This is a great place to pick up Council gossip about who's sleeping with who, which you can use to score major brownie points next time you eat with the other Padawans. The food is plain but filling. Try the stew - you will have many opportunities to do this. Qualla ice days are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Torracs are served on Wednesdays. This is a good day to visit the kebab shop.

Food: The Kebab shop.

Find this three blocks from the Temple on the 48th level of the student plaza next to the poster shop and the dark and slightly strange smelling store that sells windchimes, ethnic bedspreads and candles. As with all kebab shops everywhere in the galaxy it's probably best not to ask what the meat is. We recommend that only silicon-based Padawans ask for the extra hot chili sauce. Insectoid Padawans in need of a snack may want to check out the late night flower shop a few doors down.

Food: Practical Cookery

When the thrill of eating nutrient stew finally wears off (average time 3.6 seconds) you may wish to try your hand at whatever is available in your immediate environment. There are many books available which list recipes and techniques, and you may also wish to sign up for one of the many cookery courses available to Padawans. The Temple has also produced the following guidelines for Padawan beginners.

Do not eat anything before you scan it for toxins. Do this before and after cooking. Do not eat anything that is still moving. Do not eat anything sentient. If in doubt, ask. Do not eat anything that volunteers itself for the purpose. It probably has an ulterior motive. Do not eat anything recommended by Master Yoda unless you are a two foot high swamp dweller with an 800 year old digestive system. Do not eat anything bigger than your head. Do not use your lightsaber to make toast or reheat your coffee, no matter how late you are for morning training sessions.

A Padawan's Guide, Part VII


For some reason felines outnumber all other domestic pets by approximately fifty to one. You will not be able to avoid them, so please note that felines do not fall into the pathetic life form category and treat them with respect. It is probably best to keep them on your side. Felines have been known to sniff out bombs, attack would-be assassins and to perform many other skills reserved for large, hairy canines in less civilised reaches of the galaxy. Be warned, however, that while felines do make useful companions there are some drawbacks such as dead rodents in your boots, hygiene problems in confined spaces such as starship quarters and, in extreme cases, rapidly increasing numbers of kittens.

Force Suppressing Collars

Watch out for these as they are becoming increasingly common. If someone you suspect of having ulterior motives attempts to give you an attractive necklace 'as a special present' or claims that it has some kind of vague religious or traditional significance, do not put it on! Watch out especially if it has a cold or greasy feel about it, or makes a barely audible humming noise. Force suppressing collars are notoriously difficult to get rid of and you will probably have to spend some time as an insatiable sex slave before you manage to free yourself.

In the worst case scenario you will be drugged or knocked unconscious and wake up to find yourself with one of these already on. If you are captured and enslaved, try to befriend your fellow captives. There will usually be a slave assigned to strip you, do your make-up and put glittery paint on your nipples etc. This is the person most likely to be persuaded into loosening your bonds, removing the collar or passing messages to the outside world (although you will almost certainly have to have sex before this happens). It is generally considered polite to come back and rescue this individual before he or she gets too badly beaten up for letting you escape.

General Health

Thanks to the wonders of Bacta (tm) most injuries are quickly curable. Also, although subject to many illnesses, you will not suffer from any of the following: hernias, clinical obesity, spots, embarrassing digestive problems, flatulence, bad breath, ingrown toenails, premature baldness or excessive nasal hair. It's just one of those Force things, or possibly something they put in the nutrient stew.

Hair Care

Human and human type padawans will already have realised that the traiditional Padawan buzz-cut is designed to look both undignified and stupid. Its purpose is to ensure that you are not preoccupied with your physical appearance and you will soon learn to ignore it when more fashionable teenagers snicker at you.

By the time you are a knight you will be so sick of this stupid haircut that you will either grow your hair as long as possible or alternatively shave your head completely. Until that time, your only consolation for spending your teenage years with such a terminally unfashionable look will be the fact that on occasions your Master may ask you to care for his or her own long, silky locks. This means you can spend long hours washing them, combing them, running your hands through their heavy, luxurient weight and possibly even burying your face in their heady scent.

Caring for your own hair is less time consuming. You may weave beads into your braid, but try not to use too many as you risk giving yourself a black eye when you turn around too fast. Please note that you will have to undo your braid when you wash your hair. Watch out for split ends, a regular trim should keep things under control. Bacta(tm) shampoo is available for those species who suffer from dandruff.


It is a condition of employment for healers at the Temple that they seem outwardly gruff, disrespectful of authority and short-tempered, but underneath it all have hearts of gold. Temple healers are dedicated to their work which generally involves sticking their patients in large tanks of warm, slimy Bacta until they promise that they feel a lot better and won't get injured again, honest.

Health Education

Unfortunately you will have to undergo the tedium of sex lessons. This may be enlivened slightly by live demonstrations of technique. Don't be too concerned if you are asked to participate as you will probably be partnered by someone much more experienced, like your Master, to pick someone totally at random.

Hip Problems

Because of the compulsory panther-like gait, hip problems can develop if you have to disguise yourself as a pleasure slave for any length of time. Try to limit this activity to no more than a one month period in any given standard year, no matter how much fun you may be having at the time.

Hypothermia or Exposure

These usually occur on very cold planets. The best cure for this in mild cases is, of course, sharing bodily warmth with your Master. Try to avoid severe hypothermia or exposure otherwise you may find yourself spending a week or two in Bacta(tm) growing various sensitive parts of your anatomy back. On top of everything else, this is extremely boring.

Exposure which occurs on hot planets is more likely to be of the painful sunburn variety. Luckily you will find sunblock, which often has strange and unsuspected lubricating qualities, lying around all over the place. To avoid sunburn when you visit a hot planet, keep your robe on and your hood up at all times. Do not worry about heat exhaustion - your dark, heavy robes are perfectly suited to keeping you cool in a desert environment.


Congratulations! You are now responsible for both your own and your Master's laundry. Laundry facilities are available in Temple sub-basement level 54 and are open twenty-four hours a day. Needless to say, after 22:00 hours is the best time to get a machine. Change machines are available but are rarely in working order, so bring lots of one and two dactari coins along. Most Padawans get used to the machines quickly - just remember not to mix beige and brown in the same wash. Also, don't forget that your love slave/exotic dancer costume will in most cases require specialist cleaning treatment. If you're not sure about a stain, however embarrassing, ASK. Believe us when we tell you that the staff at the local cleaning firms have heard it all before.

Low Self Esteem
(aka "I'm not worthy" syndrome)

The Student Counselling Service recommends that all Padawans repeat the following to themselves several times each morning. "I am an intelligent, confident, highly trained commando-diplomat with a buff, honed body and incredible mind control powers, who has been specially chosen for intensive one to one training by an experienced and powerful warrior. There is NO REASON for me to have an inferiority complex."


Tiny, parasitic life forms swimming around in your blood that supposedly form your link with the living Force. Nobody knows how they work, why they picked you or how they got there. They're just there. Inside your body. Try not to think about them too much.

Oil, Scented

Bottles of scented oil are obviously the equivalent of disposable pens and small coins in other universes because they turn up everywhere, in cupboards, on richly carved cabinets, down the sides of couches, under mattresses and in spartan emergency survival packs which only have enough food in them for three days at the most. Do not throw these away. Their use will become apparent.

Pathetic Life-Forms

Can be either sentient or non-sentient. Non-sentient pathetic life-forms usually take the form of sickly pets which your Master will take pity on and drag back to the Temple with him. It is in your interest to discourage this as you will invariably find yourself responsible for feeding, grooming and housing them.

You will be able to identify sentient pathetic life-forms by the way they latch onto your Master on particularly awkward missions. Once they are part of your group they will deplete your supplies, break your most delicate and irreparable equipment and antagonise the locals. They have many irritating habits including tripping over their own feet and/or shouting "yippee!" with very little provocation. Your Master will, unfortunately, be blind to their faults and arguing about it will only make things worse. Be patient. Eventually the PLF will decide to stick its finger in a live neutrino socket "to see what happens" or get into an arm-wrestling contest with a drunken wookiee. After a hurried but dignified funeral your problems will be over.

Potential New Apprentices

Similar to pathetic life-forms, only with extra added midichlorians, their precocious Force powers are matched only by their irritating personalities. If your Master picks up one of these brats maintain a polite but chilly attitude. Bring your experience with pathetic life-forms to bear and remember that arguing will only make things worse. Hopefully by the time you get back to the Temple your Master will be sick to the back teeth of your new travelling companion and will be only too happy to fob him or her off onto the long suffering creche staff. NB Make sure your Master takes the precocious little twerp up before the Nice Council, otherwise you'll never get rid of him.


You may think that you and your Master are not biologically compatible. Think again. A little research may save a lot of hassle, but make sure this is timely. There is no point in suddenly discovering that on rare occasions the males of your species can get pregnant when you're throwing up every morning and craving pickles and ice-cream at 3am. If you are genetically compatible with your Master, always take precautions: there is little more embarrassing then having to explain to the Council how your made your Master pregnant, or vice versa. Your Padawan counsellor will be able to advice you on contraception, although it's hard to imagine how much good this will do if having a partner of the same gender isn't an obstacle.


All species go through a phase of physical and mental development known as puberty in which their bodies adapt to the requirements ot a sexually active adulthood. The fortunate T'sephoids go through this phase in chrysalis form, while for Moolons it lasts approximately three minutes. For most species, the process lasts anything up to a year. However if you're unlucky enough to be a human, you may have as many as four or five years of puberty to go through!

You will know when you have reached puberty as you will feel clumsy, spotty and awkward. Members of the opposite sex will terrify you, and you will drop things a lot and trip over in training sessions. When this happens your Master will say something like "Padawan, these physical changes are necessary for you to grow into the true grace of your adulthood" or "Padawan, like a young colt you are simply re-learning the boundaries of your body". Don't be fooled - it is compulsory for Masters to say this kind of thing to avoid making any low self-esteem problems worse. What he actually means is "Padawan, you have all the co-ordination of a cross-eyed bantha, and in addition your room smells like a wookiee's armpit." In fact puberty is a living hell, and there is only one thing that will make going through it better. As generations of teenegers have discovered, this is alcohol (see drink).

Recoveries, miraculous

You will discover that thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm) even an incredibly serious injury such as being horribly run through with a lightsaber is only actually fatal about 30% of the time. Bearing this in mind you may wish to carry at all times an "in the event of my apparent death, please do not incinerate me on a ceremonial funeral pyre until I have been checked over by a proper healer" card, which you can obtain from your Padawan advisor or your local BactaCorp representative.


As a Padawan you will have an enormous crush on your Master. Everyone will assure you that this is a perfectly natural part of puberty and nothing to be ashamed of. However if your crush lasts longer than eighteen months it is probably "the real thing". You then have two choice: either tell your Master, or keep quiet about it. Obviously this is a personal choice and entirely up to you, but you may wish to weigh up the pros and cons before you make your decision.

Pros of telling your Master you want to sleep with him:

He might want to sleep with you too.
He might have been waiting for you to ask for years because of the unwritten rule that says Padawans have to make the first move.
It might improve your training bond, making you a much better team.
The Nice Council might find out and throw a huge bonding party for you.

Cons of telling your Master you want to sleep with him:

He might not want to sleep with you too.
He might be celibate.
He might even be straight!
He might decide that he can no longer be your Master at all because of the unwritten rule totally forbidding Masters from even thinking about sleeping with their Padawans.
The Nasty Council might find out and decide to separate you. If they are in a really bad mood, they might decide to execute you.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you tell your Master about your feelings and he doesn't return them, don't decide to sleep with everybody else instead. This is one of the main causes of both angst and failed padawans.

IMPORTANT NOTE 2: If you don't tell your Master that you want to sleep with him, somebody else will probably find out and a) decide to tell him anyway or b) put you and your Master in situations where you will be forced to reveal your true feelings to each other. Watch out for mysterious invitations to strip clubs, unexpected deliveries of confectionery, missions where it is compulsory for you to sacrifice your virginity to the local gods or, in extreme cases, undercover missions to the planet of the jello-wrestling sex slaves. If this kind of thing does happen to you, nine times out of ten it will be Yoda's doing. Nobody knows why he enjoys doing this kind of thing so much, although senility has been suggested on a number of occasions. Finally, you may also find that people will try to set you up with your Master even if sleeping with him is the last thing on your mind. In this case it's probably easiest just to sleep with him and get it over with.

Sex: Do's and Don'ts

Remember to use protection. You may not think you can get your Master pregnant (or vice versa) but it has already happened far too many times for the possibility to be discounted. Contraception advice can be obtained from your student counsellor.

Wait until you get back to your quarters before you have sex. Otherwise someone will always walk in on you, even if you choose a locked maintenance cupboard in a deserted droid-only access corridor on the 47th sub level.

Don't have sex in the gym showers. You never know when a class of initiates is going to walk in on you. Similarly, avoid having sex in any of the Temple gardens without checking the surrounding bushes first.

Try not to get filmed having sex. No matter how hard you try to keep the tape safe, it will end up in the local equivalent of Blockbusters within 24 hours. In another 24 hours most of the population of Coruscant will have seen it. There is apparently quite a network for this type of thing.

Sex Equipment

Thin sleep pants are available from stores. Believe us when we tell you that these are the only sex aid you will ever need.

Sex, Force Driven

Like standard sex, although it is advisable to make sure that all breakable objects, plants and pets are secured well out of the way before you begin.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm) there are no sexually transmitted diseases. We think this is why nobody ever uses protection. Male pregnancy, on the other hand, is fast becoming endemic. Take precautions - check out Bacta(tm) condoms and lubricant in the student shop.

Student Counselling

Available twenty-four hours a day, Advisors at the student counselling centre will be able to help you with both your angst and your low self-esteem problems. If you're thinking about becoming a failed Padawan, the Counsellor will also be able to advise you on initiating a final confrontation with your Master and also on job opportunities with corrupt corporations.


While it is important that you remain physically fit, there is no need to go overboard on training. A mere eight hours or so a day should be perfectly sufficient to keep you in shape.

Untraceable poisons/mysterious alien viruses

Try to avoid these, but if you do come into contact with them don't worry about it excessively. Thanks to the wonders of Bacta(tm) most are instantly curable. Please note, however, that a very small minority may be Bacta(tm) resistant. Again, please do not worry excessively. Although distressing at the time, an antidote/vaccine will usually turn up about five minutes before your conditions becomes irreversibly fatal.

Thank you for reading our guide! For more information about the wonders of Bacta(tm) write to the following address: Information Dept, Floor 4432, BactaCorp Coruscant, Bacta Towers, Block 475N 1248W, Central Commerce District 875, Coruscant.