Spoilers: Not really -this is an AU in that certain people are
still alive in this story after Naboo who were not alive at
that point in the film version :)
Summary: A padawan contemplates becoming a Jedi.
Feedback is always a treat
Disclaimers: Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm
He told me it would be a hard life. He said it like it was a
warning. And it's not like I didn't believe him, but I guess I
thought I already had a hard life. I was a slave on Tatooine; I
had a device inside me that would blow up if I tried to escape.
But maybe my life wasn't so terrible back then. Watto wasn't a
bad master -he didn't beat me and he let me enter the pod
races, which were wizard. I had friends on Tatooine. And my
mom. It wasn't really a hard life. If you could forget about
the slave part.
It's not like training to be a Jedi is so awful. Master Qui-Gon
is teaching me how to use the Force. I've always been different
from others. It was like I was a half a step in front, like I
knew things I shouldn't have and that they didn't. Now I know
why and how to use it and that's wizard. The sparring! Master
Qui-Gon helped me build my very own lightsaber and everything.
The classes I have to take are okay and I especially like the
ones on astrophysics, piloting and learning about other worlds
-all those stars.
I work very hard, but I expected that. What I didn't expect was
the loneliness. Everyone here knows I'm different. They look as
me as they pass me in the hall. They stop talking when I enter
a room. I think a lot of them are a little bit scared of me.
Master Qui-Gon isn't scared of me and I know he cares about me,
but he doesn't show it a lot. Jedi are supposed to be calm and
quiet, always watchful and ready and my master is a really good
Jedi. We discuss a lot of stuff -history, philosophy, slavery,
the state of the Republic, my lessons. When I make a good point
he smiles and praises me "well done, Anakin". I have to work
really hard for that "well done" though. I have to work even
harder for a warm hand squeezing my shoulder and I do. I am
becoming a wizard Jedi. Master Qui-Gon is going to be so proud
of me.
But some days I want a hug so badly it hurts. I want him to
hold me like my mother used to and tell me that he loves me.
When I have a nightmare I want to crawl into bed with him where
it's safe. Instead he sits by my bed, patting my leg, telling
me I'm okay and guiding me in meditation to purge the fear.
Sometimes I'm not so sure I want to be a Jedi if I have to give
up everything like joy and fun. I don't know if can live
without love.
I'm restless tonight. I always get morose when I can't sleep.
Master Qui-Gon would tell me to meditate, find my centre and
discover the reason for my restlessness; release my feelings
into the Force and go to sleep. He meditates a lot. I wonder if
he's doing it now and so I slip to my door and open it just
enough to see into the common room.
He isn't meditating -he's reading a book. I can't see the title
from here, but it's big and thick the way books about the Code
or philosophy are. I watch for a bit as he reads, slowly
turning the pages.
A soft knock at the door interrupts his reading and he looks at
the chrono on the wall. His eyebrows go up a little when he
sees the time. Putting his book down after carefully marking
his place, he gets up and crosses to the door.
It slides open at his touch and his gasp is loud. Obi-Wan
stands there with a tired but wide smile across his face. His
robe is covered in mud and is hanging open to reveal his torn
tunic and dusty leggings. He's been gone on missions ever since
becoming a Knight after saving Master Qui-Gon's life on Naboo.
It's been almost two years.
Master Qui-Gon steps back, his face blank, and Obi-Wan comes
in, the door sliding closed behind him. And then the most
amazing thing happens. Master Qui-Gon smiles and holds out his
arms. "Obi-Wan." He says it quietly but it sounds like he's
about to cry. Obi-Wan steps into his arms and they hug for a
long time, holding each other tightly.
Then they start kissing like they are going to devour each
other. Master Qui-Gon pulls off Obi-Wan's cloak and shoves him
back against the door, hard. It makes a loud noise, but it
doesn't stop them -they just keep kissing and kissing.
Obi-Wan's belt falls to the floor, followed by their sashes.
They step apart slightly, breaking the kiss. I should go back
to bed, I don't even like this kind of mushy stuff, but I'm so
surprised by my master's passion that it's like I'm glued to
the floor and I can't stop watching them.
Their tunics have fallen open and I can see Master Qui-Gon's
scar and Obi-Wan's smooth muscles. Their harsh breathing is
loud and it's the only sound in the room. They stay apart only
long enough to fumble with their leggings and then they are
kissing again, Master Qui-Gon shoving Obi-Wan back up against
the wall. He must have shoved him hard too because Obi-Wan
grunts, only it's all muffled because they're still kissing.
Obi-Wan wraps his legs around Master Qui-Gon's waist and Master
Qui-Gon starts to shove him against the wall over and over
again and they're both moaning and Master Qui-Gon's breath is
hitching like he's trying not to cry.
I know what they're doing and I know I shouldn't stand here and
watch them, but I can't tear myself away from the emotion that
flows around them, almost like a visible aura. Suddenly they
both moan and stop moving and Master Qui-Gon buries his face
into Obi-Wan's neck and now he is crying and Obi-Wan still has
his legs wrapped around Master Qui-Gon's waist and his hands
are on Master Qui-Gon's head, fingers running through the long
hair.
Master Qui-Gon raises his head and they look at each other and
rub their noses together.
"Welcome home." Master Qui-Gon's voice is so full of passion
that I barely recognise it. He steps away from the wall, still
holding Obi-Wan wrapped around him. I get a really good look at
his face as he carries Obi-Wan into his bedroom. It is open and
full of love and there is more peace there than I have ever
seen. I watch until the door closes behind them, cutting off
the small murmurs and gentle laughter.
I go back to bed, curling into a ball and pulling the covers
tightly around me. I'm happy for Master Qui-Gon, but there's a
hole in me that I don't think will ever be full and I'm more
lonely than ever.
He said it would be a hard life and it isn't that I didn't
believe him. I just didn't understand how he meant it.
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