Archiving : yes to M&A, SWAL, OKEB, QJEB (if you want it).
others please ask
Categories : Humor
Warnings : everybody eats, nobody dies.
Spoilers : none
Summary : Obi-Wan engages in a personal vendetta against his
worst vampiric nightmare.
Disclaimer : We've tried to wax poetic about this, but we
somehow can't. We've flat-out stolen these boys from George
Lucas and that's that. We do promise to give them back when
we're done - and they will be in much better moods.
Though Obi-Wan might be a bit worse for wear...<g>
Feedback : Kate (rangerk8@home.com), Lilith (lilith@m-y.net),
and Cori (CoriLannam@aol.com) - any of us, all of us, whatever
<G>.
Obi-Wan Kenobi fished a dead spider out of his cup, then
slapped the insect currently trying to exsanguinate him. "Are
you going to keep the mosquitoes away from me, Master?"
"That kind of Force-shielding should be well within your
talents, Padawan."
"Mosquitoes have no respect for the Force."
"Well, smacking them is of the Dark Side. Remember, they are
part of a symbiont circle..."
"Only if I have malaria, Master - and after seven days in this
Sith-spawned swamp, I just might."
"...they have to have your blood to live. And they give you
back such an ecstasy of itching. Mosquitoes are of the Living
Force, too."
"Mosquitoes are of the Dark Side. It is my duty as a Jedi to
exterminate them." Obi-Wan scratched a new bite. "Will you at
least help me put calamine lotion on my bites, Master?"
Something in Obi-Wan's voice made Qui-Gon look up to see a
gamin grin on his apprentice's face. "Depends on where they
are, my young Padawan." A hint of smile crept across his
features.
"Name a body part - I probably have a mosquito bite there."
Obi-Wan slapped another blood-sucker.
"You have a mosquito bite on your spleen, Obi-Wan?"
The young Jedi sighed in exasperation. "An external body
part, Master."
"Mosquitoes, too, have their purposes, Padawan."
Obi-Wan let out another long-suffering sigh. "Yeah - to give me
practice in smacking them."
"You have much to learn, young Padawan." Qui-Gon closed his
eyes meditatively for a moment. "I believe I shall send you
camping even deeper into the swamp until you have achieved
peace with the mosquito."
"There will be no peace between me and the mosquito! They
aren't even pathetic lifeforms - they are the incarnation of
pure evil!"
"Mosquitoes are part of the energy field that surrounds and
binds us. If you cannot achieve peace with them, then you will
suffer the consequences of your stubbornness."
"I'm already suffering the consequences." Obi-Wan scratched at
the back of his neck.
"That alone should tell you that you need to take a different
approach, Obi-Wan."
"You're absolutely right, Master." Obi-Wan bounced to his feet
and grabbed his lightsaber, igniting it and swinging it through
the air.
"Overkill, young Padawan."
"Whatever it takes, Master. I figure a lightsaber is the
ultimate bug-zapper." Obi-Wan waved the lightsaber wildly,
smiling as he imagined billions of the little hemovores dying
in orgiastic pleasure, attracted to the light frequencies of
his blade.
"In the deep swamps, the mosquito rules supreme. You are a
guest in their domain. If you strike them down
indiscriminately, more will fly to obtain vengeance. A Jedi
never uses the Force for attack. It is the path to the Dark
Side, Padawan."
"I am not the one attacking, Master! I am not the one trying to
eat them alive!"
"They do only what they must to survive, Obi-Wan. And truly,
such a slight sacrifice does not harm you."
"They make me itch, Master!"
"If your meditations were truly deep enough, you could release
the itch into the Force."
"Well, when we get back to Coruscant, you can give me extra
meditation exercises. In the meantime..." Obi-Wan spun his
blade in the air, taking nearly orgasmic pleasure in watching
the tiny sparks and sputters along the blade signifying the
death of his foes.
The Jedi Master sighed deeply and rose to his feet. As he did
so, a faint metallic clank emanated from his robes.
"What was that, Master?"
"What was what, Obi-Wan?"
"That noise from your robes. Do you have something metal in
your pockets?"
"Of course not, Padawan. Just the usual survival gear..."
Obi-Wan deactivated his lightsaber. "I don't recall anything in
the survival gear making that hollow clanking sound, Master.
What have you got in there, anyway..." The young Jedi made a
dive for his Master's pockets, reaching in and finding the
source of the noise. Triumphantly, he pulled it out.
"A giant-economy sized can of Off! No wonder the little
bastards aren't touching you!"
"I told you there was an alternative to killing them, Padawan."
Obi-Wan began spraying himself with the insect repellent.
"Whatever works, Master." He sighed in relief as the tiny
vampires retreated from his now redolent form.
"Come here, my Padawan, and let me doctor those bug bites."
"Anything you say, Master. I think you'll find I have bites in
some of the most interesting places..."
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