by Beckymonster (becky@queenamidala.freeserve.co.uk)
Series: X-days and counting...
Rating: Errrr..... will you accept R/15?
Catergories: Angst/POV (point of view)
Synopsis: Qui-Gon's thoughts on his Padawan
Feedback?: Are Jedi cute?! OF COURSE!!!!!! Lots of it too!!! It
makes the muse want to work more - and espeically as I have
part four still to write :-) Send to
becky@queenamidala.freeserve.co.uk
Thanks: To J Wolfine of the M_A (again!), to Miss Jedi (again)
To Michelle (again!), Also to the Sith_Chicks, who are some of
the sweetest and smuttiest (does that sound right?!) I have
ever met! Chocolate Jedi/Sith Lords to you all! :)
Archiving permission: Yes to Sith_Chicks/SWC and to M_A (when I
get around to sending it!) anyone else, ask nicely! :-)
Author's note: This is where Michelle got the oil idea from :-)
Disclaimer: Not mine, George's, No infringement, No money, just
fun!
Qui-Gon Jinn
Another mission, another set of (shared) guest quarters.
Outside the sky is darkening with the approach of night.
I hear you moving around, preparing for sleep. You move
quietly, trying to give me the privacy and peace to meditate.
Part of me wishes to get up and tell you that this will not be
necessary, my ability to meditate has left me, temporarily
scared away by my demons.
I open my eyes for a brief moment. There was a time when I
would wonder why, on a majority of missions, that our hosts
would give us shared quarters.
After all, we spend so much of the day together. I know that
you would appreciate time alone from me, my Padawan.
Then, like a force vision, the truth presented itself one
mission. We had been sent to Corellia to bear witness for one
of their elections. Again we had been given shared quarters.
Quite sumptuous ones, if my memory serves. I distinctly
remember sitting on the edge of the bed when something caught
my eye. You were on the balcony admiring the view.
There on the bedside cabinet was a bottle, not a strange thing,
but it made me curious. So I picked it up for a closer
inspection.
It was a sexual lubricant.
I was shocked, and embarrassed by the whole thing, so much so
that I quickly stowed it in the cabinet drawer. I told myself
that I did this, to prevent you from seeing it and asking
questions about what it was for. You always have been a very
curious (and innocent) Padawan.
Our hosts must have thought that our relationship went further
than teacher and pupil, Master and Padawan.
Would that it were true.
Oh, I know all the reasons why a master should not break the
trust of the Master/Padawan bond. I have recited them to myself
a thousand times or more, usually when you are lying, naked as
a newborn, sleeping next to me.
I'm an old man. Well, not as old as Yoda, but by human
standards, I'm not young either. For as long as I can remember
I have lived as a Jedi, serving the code as I saw fit.
Is it too much to ask for a little passion to warm these old
bones?
I do not begrudge you youth Padawan. Age, reputedly has its
compensations. But I could never catch and hold your love. You
deserve someone of your own age, one who could meet your
passion with a fire of their own. I'm not saying that my own
fires are dead. Far from it, there is life in this body yet! I
could not give you all of the physical affection that you
deserve. The spirit is very willing, the flesh is having
problems.
I accept this, so why does this stop me from finding peace
through meditation?
I'm jealous.
You would be shocked Padawan if you knew that your Master
harboured such 'dark' emotions, it's silly really, It stems
from an encounter today. The Nathen attache assigned to us is
in lust with you. I dare not say love, as it reminds me too
much of my own predicament. I would never pry intentionally
into your inner thoughts Obi-Wan. I care too much to do that,
but I can still tell that you are interested in him. Your body
language gives you away.
Not that I blame you. He is very beautiful, tall with long dark
hair and the dusting of a beard over his high boned features,
green eyes. You would be blind not to. If you had not won my
heart, I too would have my head turned by one such as he.
So why am I jealous? Because I want your attentions on me, and
me alone. I have seen you grow from a small child, consisting
of mainly joints, to a beautiful young man.
My love for you has also changed. From the love a teacher has
for his student, to that of one man to another. Equals.
That could very well be the crux of the problem. We are not
truly equal. Yes, we are both Jedi, but we are not on the same
level. I am a knight, but you are still a learner.
You are nearly ready to take the tests. I have not wanted to
bring this to your attention, in case the resultant emotions
interfere with your final lessons.
When you pass, there is no if - you shall, I know this. You
shall no longer be my Padawan. I could accept that loss, if you
would be my love.
Could you do that? Could you accept an old man as your love, or
would you turn me away, revolted at such a prospect?
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